I thought Arizona passed a law to deport all people in the state illegally.  I call BS….there are way more Canadians than I expected.  Also, worst drivers I have ever seen are here.  I watched a guy make a u-turn yesterday.  Only he did it in the middle of the road and not at an intersection, crossed 3 lanes, and found himself going up the curb, trying to three-point turn around the cacti before finally getting back on the road.  After getting past the horrible drivers, we finally made it to Tempe Diablo Stadium to watch the Angels take on the Indians.  One problem, the 25+ scalpers practically mugging every person walking by had already bought up all the tickets.  So we decided to give up on games for the day as I looked up two games, neither allowing online tickets, and Brandi and I just decided to head to the Scottsdale mall.  On our way, we happened to drive by the Spring Training home of the Oakland A’s, they had tickets, so we decided to go to that game.  White Sox-S’s, Peavy-Cahill…how did they do?  Not a friggin clue, took me nearly three innings to get a beer and a dog.  Then take into account they don’t have an outfield lawn, instead they have standing room only seats that are more expensive than lawn seats at any other park.  The stadium was so bad, it made me feel like I was in…well…Oakland.  I really only took one thing out of the game.  We were sitting out by the White Sox bullpen and one guy was having fun keeping the guys loose.  Non-roster invitee Brian Bruney.  In order to get through 162 games, you gotta have a couple guys that keep the guys loose and having fun, and Bruney looked like a guy that can do that.  Add the fact he is a better than average middle relief guy, and I am pulling for him to make the team, and if he doesn’t, you should hope your favorite team does.  Now onto the next game, heading down to Camelback Ranch to watch the Dodgers-White Sox.  Don’t worry, I bought these tickets yesterday, so I at least know I am getting in.



We got into town a little after 5 yesterday, settled into the hotel room, looked at the schedule, and realized there was a 7:00 game, so we took a quick trip from Glendale to Goodyear and watched the Rangers taking on a split squad Indians club. Both starters have a career ERA over 5, and they demonstrated why, really was not a good game, however, I talked up Choo the whole trip out and he did not disappoint. He made a great diving grab on a laser of a line drive, got hit in the dome by a pitch, then goes back out and guns down Chris Davis trying to go first to third a couple innings later. I made sure Austin Kearns knows The Stain has his back and is expecting a monster year from him. I sat by the Rangers pen for a while and took one thing out of that…Mike Maddux was a glaring omission from my Mustache Ride Through Time Smear a few weeks ago. While walking the stadium, we saw a seemingly lost Travis Hafner standing by the right field foul pole while the Indians were in the field. I decide to yell out to him asking him a few questions, to which he mumbled inaudible nonsense. He then stares at the scoreboard in left center, looks back at me and asks how many outs there are, and that is when it clicked, Pronk has sucked the last couple years because he is either constantly drunk at the ballpark, or he is blind as a friggin bat. Seriously, I get he is a DH, but how the hell do I, a fan wandering the stadium, know how many outs there are but the players don’t?!?! Also, Cleveland, are there no attractive women where you come from? The Indians bullpen gave out a baseball to a girl for showing them her rack. Makes sense, until you realize the girl might be a 6 if you just had 6 shots of tequila, shotgunned 6 beers, took 6 bong rips, and were blind as Travis Hafner! Check back later today or tomorrow with a day two update and notes from the Indians-Angels game.

The FA (English Football ((soccer)) (((game where you kick balls with your feet))) Association) has suspended Manchester United manager, Alex Ferguson for five games after he accused referee Martin Atkinson of bias. Specifically, he inferred that Atkinson was unfair and incapable. Needless to say, United aren’t thrilled but seriously, did they expect him to get off Scot free? Get it? Because Ferguson is Scottish? That was funny, I don’t care who you are. I kill me.

In terrible news, doctors have announced that Atlanta Braves minor league manager Luis Salazar has lost an eye after getting drilled by a line drive in a pre season game March 9th. There was some hope that doctors may be able to salvage the eye but sadly they couldn’t. A lost eye… Who saw that coming? Get it? Saw??? Because the whole eye thing? What, too soon? The great news here is that despite the terrible injury, Salazar is expected to recover well and he plans to resume his managerial duties this season. This is a pretty decent result considering that his life was considered to be in danger at one point.

Lastly, stay tuned for The Stain’s fictional player fantasy baseball draft recap. Not saying my team is stacked but Roy Hobbs and Clue Haywood? Sidd Finch??? I smell championship.

Age doesn’t seem to affect some people. There was that guy who swam the English channel in his 70s.  My grandpa once beat me in a footrace at the age of 76.  Granted, he tied my shoelaces together but we failed to put the groundrules of our little contest in writing. Well played, Opa.  Then it also got me thinking.  My buddy RG became a grandpa at the ripe old age of 40.  40 they say is the new 20, but not for pro athletes.  Few and far between are the guys who can continue to perform at a high level once they enter their fifth decade of life. Sure, there are guys who put one decent season or a couple good games together in the midst of obvious decline, but we’re talking about guys who did it (or look like they’ll be able to continue doing it) consistently while old enough to be the parents of their peers or teammates.  Without further ado, we’ll start with an honorable mention.

Dan Severn – Many of you may not remember him but he was one of the first stars of MMA, back when only the UFC was doing it.  He fought such contemporaries as Ken Shamrock, Tank Abbott, Royce Gracie, Oleg Taktarov, among others.  Now at the ripe old age of 52, he’s still fighting professionally.  And winning.  Sure, he’s not taking on elite competition anymore, but his recent results are still impressive over much younger competition.  That, and he has an awesome mustache, meaning he could very well slide seamlessly into Shaun’s list of top flavor savers, you know, had the list gone to 26.

Randy Couture – Sticking with MMA, our next guest on the list is one of the most revered fighters in the sport’s short history. His list of victims includes a who’s who of MMA legends, including Chuck Liddell, Tito Ortiz, Ken Shamrock, and many others; not the least of whom is man-mountain Tim Sylvia.  Before Sylvia decided to forsake cardio and get knocked out by inconspicuous suspects such as former pro boxing champion Ray Mercer, and The Ultimate Fighter tomato can, Abe Wagner, he was the UFC heavyweight champion.  Then 43-year-old Couture stepped into the cage with him and dominated a five round decision, become MMA’s oldest champion to date.  He seems to be retired now as he approaches 50, but I still wouldn’t mess with the guy.

Stachel Paige – Good old Leroy.  One of the great pitchers in baseball history, Paige made his mark in the Negro Leagues, becoming the benchmark of pitching among his peers of that time.  It looked like good old fashioned racism was going to screw the mainstream baseball fan out of being able to witness one of the game’s all time great’s plying his craft on the mound.  The Cliff’s Notes version then goes something like this.  MLB integrates with Jackie Robinson, Larry Doby shortly thereafter, and Paige among others.  At age 42, Paige made his MLB debut with the St. Louis Browns. While met with some skepticism, the Browns scored big time with that move as Paige dismissed any over-the-hill nonsense in short order, pitching for the Browns until age 47 and making two all star teams… despite pervasive racism. You don’t have to be Einstein to figure out that you had to be pretty damn good to be black and included among all stars in those days.  He was also the first Negro Leaguer to be inducted in Major League Baseball’s Hall of Fame.

Nicklas Lidstrom – It’s a bit early to say that Lidstrom will be among the best athletes to play into their 40s and be effective, seeing as he is only 40. What he also is is a leading candidate to win the Norris Trophy, awarded to the NHL’s best defenseman, this year. In addition to that, he is without a doubt the greatest defensive hockey player of this generation. Maybe ever. I saw Ray Borque and he was great, I’m too young to remember Bobby Orr, but his record speaks for itself. But Lidstrom is an icon.  Not only is the best defenseman in hockey, he is the greatest defensive player in any sport that I have ever seen. Showing no signs of slowing down, he could play until 50… theoretically.  Honorable mention here goes to Chris Chelios, who was effective into his 40s, but never approached Lidstrom’s excellence that late on.

Gordie Howe – I love hockey.  And I love guys who have a specific hat trick named after him like Howe did.  The Gordie Howe Hat Trick. A goal, assist, and five minute major for fighting in the same period.  Impressive, right? He was also the NHL’s leading career scorer until a fella named Wayne Gretzky came along and broke his record, meanwhile forever changing the way the game was played. Considering how many fights Howe got into (winning most, by the way), one is left to wonder how many more points he would have scored had he not spent 8 minutes a game in the penalty box for much of the early prime part of his career. His last NHL game was played in 1980 at the age of 52 for the Hartford Whalers.  He, believe it or not, scored 15 goals that season, and became the only player in NHL history to play in five decades. 

Nolan Ryan – Saving the best for last, how can anyone top The Express. If Ryan had ever pitched for any decent teams, his career winning percentage and win totals would likely be astronomically better. And he would likely have won a Cy Young award somewhere along the way, an honor he somehow managed to not earn.  What he did do, however, is throw two no hitters in his 40s, the last and record-breaking 7th of his incredible career at age 44. In his youth, Ryan’s pitches were regularly clocked above 100 miles per hour, a feat much rarer in those days when flame throwers like Aroldis Chapman and Joel Zumaya hadn’t been born.  Even Sandy Koufax, who was known for his nasty heater and may be the greatest pitcher that ever lived, couldn’t match Ryan’s smoke. Similarly, Robin Ventura couldn’t keep up with is bulldog headlock and right hook. If you don’t already know, just youtube it.  However, age finally did take it’s toll. Ryan threw his last career pitch at the age of 46, one that damaged his elbow and nudged him into retirement.  It was clocked at 98 miles per hour.

If I’ve forgotten anyone, or intentionally omitted someone you think deserving, let me know.  Goodness knows Shaun will.

 

A mustache can say a lot.  It can range from “hide the kids, looks like there is a new petifile in town” to “look out, this dude will kick your ass” and everything in between.  So I have decided to rank the top 25 mustaches in sports history, but I couldn’t just stop at 25, so I decided to begin this Smear on The Stain with a list of the top 5 coaching ‘staches.  Now, I have to set some very basic ground rules.  1) The mustache must be awesome, a trademark, and/or live on forever in our memories and our hearts.  2) Must be real, sorry Bobby V.

Now, on to the list, begining with the top 5 coaching mustaches.

5) Mike Ditka – Not sure what is more timeless, the sweater or the ‘stache, so why not show both?

 

4) Jim Leyland – He may not be allowed to smoke in the dugout anymore, but he is allowed to keep his amazing lip scarf.

 

3) Mike Holmgren – Not only does he have a great ‘stache, but he kept another ‘stache off the list cause Andy Reid is cleary just copying his former boss.

 

2) Bill Cowher – The mustache or the scowl, you tell me which is more intimidating.

 

1) Dave Wannstedt – When you have the nickname “Wannstache”, you win this part of the countdown.

 

And now for the meat of the countdown, the top lipped 25 mustaches in sports history…

25) Jared Allen – If this was a best mullett countdown (now there is an idea) he would win, but, while he has a great ‘stache, his is not an upper lip trendsetter, so he will settle for 25.

 

24) Wade Boggs – He ate chicken before every game, pretty sure his mustache ate the feathers to replenish itself.

 

23) Carl Pavano – For those of you who have been with The Stain since the beginning, you know I love Carl Pavano for completely screwing the Yankees during his time there.  Well, here is reason #2 to cheer for Pavano.

22) Goose Gossage – Probably underrated here, but I have gotten bored of it and all the “he belongs in the Hall of Fame” talk.  Congrats, he is there, but he will jump up this list if his plaque properly displays the fu manchu.

 

21) Catfish Hunter – Doesn’t have the fu manchu intrigue, but he just rocked an old school chevron ‘stache.

 

20) Randy Johnson – The Big Unit has a big time ‘stache.

 

19) Mike Piazza – What more could you ask for from a catcher than to hit home runs and rip off the mask to reveal an all-time great lip frame.

18) Don Mattingly –  Donnie Baseball no longer sports the ‘stache due to the gray it has taken on, but it will always be there to me.

17) Al Hrabosky – The Mad Hungarian had no reason to be mad about his lip’s furry neighbor.

 

16) Larry Bird – The flesh colored ‘stache get’s forgotten, but it is awesome!  Doesn’t he kinda look like Jackie Moon?  Google it, I will wait….

 

Welcome back, time to move on to…

15) Dale Earnhardt – I will say nothing negative about this mustache, even from the grave The Intimidator scares the poo out of me.  (See what I did there?  Keeping it Stain friendly)

 

14) John Axford – He reminds me a lot of a guy you will see towards the end of this list, but friggin sweat none the less.

 

13) Jeff Kent – The only mustache in sports that can stand up to a round house kick from Chuck Norris’ mustache. (You know you loved the Chuck Norris jokes)

 

12) George Parros – It is no wonder he hardly ever loses a fight, you get distracted by the ‘stache.

11) Steve Prefontaine – He made America proud, not with his running ability, but with his ability to run with such a sweet ‘stache.

 

10) Jack Lambert – Seriously, as if the teeth, or lack thereof, were’t intimidating enough, he had to rock the mustache?

 

9) Scott Player – This will likely be the only list to ever appear on The Stain featuring a punter, but come on, you gotta give this one credit.

 

8) Carlos Valderrama – Maybe his bleached blonde ‘fro makes the ‘stache, or does the ‘stache make the bleached blonde ‘fro?  Think about it…

 

7) Dennis Eckersley – If you could consider a mustache classy, this would be the one.

 

6) Hulk Hogan – He may not have played a real sport, but he does have a real sick ‘stache.

 

5) Adam Morrison – Has there ever been a worse great ‘stache of all time?  I say nay!

 

4) Rod Beck – Now this is a man ‘stache, or is it a mug shot…eh….one in the same!

 

3) Sal Fasano – He may have been a journey man catcher, but he can be on my All-‘Stache team any day of the week.

 

2) Lanny McDonald – Is that a mustache, or is there a ferret sleeping on his upper lip?

 

And now, for the greatest mustache in sporst history, and was there ever any doubt?

1) Rollie Fingers – I will just let the picture speak for itself.

 

Thank you for taking this little mustache ride through time with me, hope you enjoyed this little Smear in The Stain.

 

//

Recently, minor league hockey team the Bakersfield Condors announced that they would be holding “Charlie Sheen Night” at their March 12th game.  Of course, all two of us at The Stain immediately got excited.  We figured the first thousand fans would be treated to a hooker and two grams of blow.  What a great idea!!!  Sadly, there’s a more virtuous story behind it.  Any fan who shows up with a clean drug screening gets in for free.  There’s also some other nonsense about dressing up like any of Sheen’s movie characters and getting discounted admission.  Either way, anticlimactic, if not a bad idea anyway.

This got me thinking, why don’t more teams have nights named after idiot celebrities?  The possibilities are endless.  You could have Brittany Spears night where any woman having a meltdown in a local barbershop and shaving her head gets free tickets. You could have Rae Carruth night, where any man who can prove he didn’t murder his girlfriend (perhaps having her join him would suffice) gets a free milkshake.  Or Twilight night, where anyone who is willing to dress up as one of the characters from that insipid movie and book series and then get punched in the face by me eight times gets in for free.  I’ll open it up to the floor for more ideas but I think we may be on to something here.

Changing gears, Shaun’s story below is truly a nice one. And while it does show that there are things that transcend rivalries and restores a bit of faith in the human spirit, I must disagree with one thing.  I don’t think it will dampen the rivalry between the Red Sox and @#$%ing Yankees.  I mean, uh, the New York Yankees. All it will take in my opinion is some AJ Burnett chin music to the hot headed Kevin Youkilis and the soup will be simmering again. 

Lastly, it was nice to see that Tim Tebow and Amare Stoudamire spoke up in defense of BYU’s Brandon Davies, who has been dismissed from the basketball team after having pre-marital sex with his girlfriend, violating the institution’s honor code.  It’s 2011, and while that in no way should mean that people should forsake virtue and honor in favor of debauchery, it’s not like the kid did anything illegal.  Sadly for him, BYU’s archaic rules are something out of 19th century Aamish country.  They can’t even drink tea, for crying out loud.  Tea?  What. The. Uh, heck. Wouldn’t want to talk about the fire and brimstone place and violate The Stain’s strict honor code.

Here at The Stain, we are all about taking a look at the lighter side of sports.  But from time to time, there may be stories that must be shared because the human element of sports reminds us why sports are such a huge part of our lives.  Ask me what I miss most about playing baseball, and I will tell you that despite that incredible feeling of standing on a mound staring down a hitter and just knowing there is nothing he can do, that you have him on the rope and you are about to sit him down no matter what he does, I miss the camaraderie I had with the guys in the dugout.  I was watching the Yankees-Red Sox spring training game from Friday, and a story was shared that showed that camaraderie expands past your own dugout.

Ron Johnson is the first base coach for the Boston Red Sox.  He spent more than 30 years coaching in the minor leagues before getting the job of base coach in the bigs, but that is nothing compared to the struggle his daughter recently went through.  Johnson’s 10 year old daughter at the time, Bridget, was riding her horse with her sister near the family’s ranch in Tennessee when Bridget and her horse were struck by a car.  The horse was killed on impact, and Bridget was nearly dead herself.  She was rushed to the hospital where she underwent 12 different surgeries and nearly died on 3 separate occasions over the next 35 or so days that she was in the hospital.  Her leg had to be amputated just above the knee.  Johnson never left his daughter’s side, spending every day and night at the hospital. 

When the family finally went home, there were letters and gifts from all over as word spread throughout baseball and the countless athletes Johnson had coached in his 30 years in baseball reached out to extend their thoughts and prayers.  But one package above all others stood out.  The Boston Red Sox coach had a package from the bitter rival New York Yankees.  One of Johnson’s former players is current Yankee hitting coach Kevin Long.  Long found out the medical bills for the Johnsons were accruing during the intensive rehab young Bridgett was going through were quickly becoming more than the Johnsons could afford.  The Red Sox players and organization certainly helped out, but the bills kept coming.

Kevin Long decided to hold a team meeting sharing the story of his mentor’s daughter and asked the Yankee players to help out.  Many of the players contributed to help out the Johnson family, including Jorge Posada, Mairano Rivera, and A.J. Burnett.  That package from the New York Yankees that Johnson received was a letter from Kevin Long on behalf of the Yankee organization, including a rather generous check to assist with the medical bills.  Needless to say, Ron and his wife, Daphane, will forever view the Red Sox-Yankee rivalry a little differently. 

This past week, the now 11 year old Bridget was fitted for her permanent prosthetic, and has begun riding horses again.  Where did she get the new horse?  Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis bought her the new horse, and she decided to name it Youky.  There is also a chance that Bridget may throw out the first pitch of the Red Sox home opener on April 8^th, against, who else, but the Yankees.  So this season, when you are watching the great rivalry that is the Sox-Yankees, don’t be surprised if you see a few more handshakes and a few less punches as these two organizations have proven there is plenty more to life than what goes on between the lines of the baseball field.  Those athletes get paid to play the game they have loved since they were kids, and they put the competition aside, and used their good fortune to allow a kid to continue doing what she loves. 



1) Carolina Panthers – Da’Quan Bowers – DE – Clemson – He can play standing up or with his hand in the dirt and is the best pass rusher in this draft.  He will give the Panthers a pass rushing threat off the edge for a team that needs an upgrade in just about every position on the field.  To me, they need to pick the guy that will make the greatest impact and this is him.

2) Denver Broncos – Patrick Peterson – CB – LSU – Champ Bailey is back, but is aging.  Peterson playing the opposite corner to Bailey can create the best corner duo in the league, or this may give the Broncos a Bucs with Ronde Barber type transition and move Bailey to Free Safety.  Either way, the 4.34 40 corner can be a shut down, ball hawking, playmaker that the Broncos could desperately use.

3) Buffalo Bills – Cam Newton – QB – Auburn – He impressed in every measurable drill at the combine, which was expected, but missed 10 throws with no defense there.  Granted, he had no chemistry with any of the receivers, but this does still leave some concern.  All that being said, the playmaking Newton would still be an excellent fit in Buffalo giving them flexibility in play calls and give Newton time to grow into a NFL star quarterback.

4) Cincinnati Bengals – A.J. Green – WR – Georgia – Finally a change from my first mock.  Green is hands down the best receiver in this year’s draft class.  He has great hands, runs routes well, and always seems to make the big play.  The concern I have for him is his frame.  Just seeing his body this weekend at the combine makes me fear he may be subject to injury against the big NFL defenses.  The Bengals won’t have TO and just might cut OchoCinco, so the best receiver in the draft could be a huge help to this franchise in turmoil.

5) Arizona Cardinals – Blaine Gabbert – QB – Missouri – The only healthy quarterback to not throw at the combine, but despite that, he handled himself so well in his interviews and with the media, you can see why his maturity is compared to Sam Bradford.  He could really help a Cardinal team that is in a weak enough division to easily jump from worst to first next season.

6) Cleveland Browns – Marcell Dareus – DT/DE – Alabama – Was as impressive as it gets at the combine this weekend.  He could play 4/3 DT or 3/4 DE for a team that will be changing their defense.  He is a big body, but still has the quickness to get up field and make plays.  The Browns need a lot of help, but an anchor to solidify the defensive front is as good a pick up as they can get here.

7) San Francisco 49ers – Nick Fairley – DT – Auburn – Many people have him at the top of their boards, and he has the talent to be there.  My first mock I had him fall based on gut feeling, this time, I have him falling due to the impressive performances by others.  Not that he did anything to hurt his stock, l just don’t see him going earlier than Dareus based on the flexibility you get from him, and he will not go ahead of Bowers due to the pass rushing ability.  But Fairley can be a run stuffing presence that can also get into the backfield.  And in a division with Steven Jackson, and two teams without quarterbacks, what better fit than a big run stuffer?

8) Tennessee Titans – Robert Quinn – DE – North Carolina – The second coming of The Freak.  Jevon Kearse was great for a couple years, Quinn could be great for an entire career.  Had he not been suspended for the entire 2010 season, we could very well be talking about the easiest decision at #1 overall in quite some time.  Despite all the other problems last year, one of the most overlooked changes to the Titan defense was the loss of Vanden Bosch at defensive end, and Quinn will bring that back and more.

9) Dallas Cowboys – Prince Amukamara – CB – Nebraska – The hole in the roof may be for God to watch his favorite team, but now Jerry’s World can have a Prince in his kingdom.  Granted my girlfriend just read that, and as a Cowboy hater, she simply rolled her eyes and uttered “whatever”.  All homerisms (not a word but I like it here) aside, Amukamara could be a huge help for an often injured Terrance Newman, underperforming Mike Jenkins, and decent nickel corner Orlando Scandrick.  The Cowboys don’t have any decent safeties right now, but do have a bunch of underperforming ball hawking corners, don’t be surprised if Mike Jenkins moves back to a safety position.

10) Washington Redskins – Julio Jones – WR – Alabama – Dude only had a broken foot before going out and running a 4.30 40, 11’3” broad jump, and a 38.5” vertical.  In other words, the guy put up some of the best numbers at the combine, on one foot!!!  He is having surgery this week to place a pin in the foot, but will be healed in time to be a stud by the time next season starts. 

11) Houston Texans – Von Miller – OLB – Texas A&M– Cushing, Miller, Cushing, Miller…anyone calling a Texans game next year better get used to that combination.  Adding who is without question the best outside backer this year to a team that already has one of the best in the league, makes for a scary duo.  Peyton Manning, MJD, and Chris Johnson might already be looking into trade options if this duo is created in the former land of the Oilers.

12) Minnesota Vikings – Cameron Jordan – DE – Cal – An above average pass rusher, but a great run stopper.  Can make a tackle on the other end of the line on most run plays, and as a secondary pass rusher to Jared Allen, Jordan will be a great complimentary piece.  I have had people ask why not a QB here, or even a WR with Sidney Rice testing Free Agency.  Answers are simple, there are no more #1 receivers, and the only two quarterbacks worthy of first round picks are gone.  Believe it or not, the Vikes are best off with the CBA being delayed until after the draft, waiting to see if they get a QB to fall to them, and then sign a veteran that won’t throw 1,000 picks like the crooked gunslinger, Brett Favre.

13) Detroit Lions – Anthony Costanzo – OT – Boston College – This is just too early for Jimmy Smith after looking simply average at the combine.  This draft is full of above average, but not great tackles.  Costanzo could very well be the first or the fourth tackle taken, but, without a doubt, Stafford needs help to stay healthy, and Costanzo is a big, long armed, smart tackle with the footwork to start right away.  He should help Stafford start at least half the games this season before going down with yet another injury.

14) St. Louis Rams – Akeem Ayers – OLB – UCLA– Congrats Torsten, here is your OLB.  Problem, he underwhelmed at the combine.  So why did he move up here?  Because he is the best player at a position of need for the Rams.  Ayers didn’t look good at the combine, but watch any game of his, all he does is make smart, big time plays.  He will fit in great alongside Laurinaitis in St. Louis.

15) Miami Dolphins – Mark Ingram – RB – Alabama – Ronnie Brown can’t stay healthy, Ricky Williams has lost a step, and Patrick Cobbs will never be a RB you want carrying the ball more than a couple times a game.  A former Heisman trophy winning RB in the middle of the first round that can be a game changer would be a great addition for the Dolphins.  Sound familiar?  Yeah, cause it is exactly what I said last time.  This is as sure a pick as I feel in this entire mock draft.  Emmitt Smith saying Ingram reminds him of himself only solidifies my feelings here.

16) Jacksonville Jaguars – J.J. Watt – DE – Wisconsin – Top five in every measurable category at the combine among defensive lineman.  “Well, he should be to be a first round pick”, you might say.  But take into account he is 6’6” and about 290 lbs, and suddenly the agility and speed becomes even more impressive.  Watt could very well prove to be a steal for the Jags and potentially battle for a defensive rookie of the year.

17) New England Patriots (from Oakland Raiders) – Tyron Smith – OT – USC – Can play tackle on either side.  Matt Light is getting near the end of his career, and let’s face it, he isn’t a premier left tackle anymore.  Then you look at the right side right now and the Pats have Sebastian Vollmer.  Smith can step in at either side and be an improvement, or he could be the best third tackle in the league, which may be one of the most underrated positions if the CBA decides to expand to a 18 game season.

18) San Diego Chargers – Adrian Clayborn – DE – Iowa – The Charger’s need a rush linebacker and/or a pass rushing defensive end.  So how about going and getting a guy that could play either one?  That is what they would be getting in Adrian Clayborn.  He will never have Shawne Merriman type sack numbers, but he could very well require a double team by the end of his rookie year.  Side note…Bob Sanders signed with the Chargers, great pick up, but they need to resign Eric Weddle to help when Sanders goes down with an injury which happens every year.

19) New York Giants – Nate Solder – OT – Colorado – He stands 6’9”, so clearly he has the length to play left tackle.  William Beatty is a terrible left tackle, and as much as I would love to see the mouth breather Eli Manning get clobbered over and over, I really do think Solder will help protect him. 

20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Aldon Smith – DE/OLB – Missouri – This team is gonna be fun to watch, and Smith is just the type of guy that will help make them even more fun.  Bringing in a young physical specimen like Smith to help with a top notch rush defense and possibly develop into an excellent pass rusher that will help take the Bucs to the next level.  Yes, a Cowboy fan just may be sporting wood over the potential of another NFC team.  My early NFC favorites are the Bucs, but don’t worry, my delusions will set back in soon and I am sure to write an article about how the Cowboys are the greatest team since…well…the Cowboys, duh.

21) Kansas City Chiefs – Corey Liuget – DT – Illinois – Again, Liuget alongside Glen Dorsey is a scary good defensive core.  They would be the equivalent of the Williams wall in Minnesota, only younger and with more pass rushing ability.  He will have to draw a double team from the Guard and Center, leaving either Tyson Jackson or Dorsey one-on-one which won’t be good for AFC West quarterbacks.

22) Indianapolis Colts – Gabe Carimi – OT – Wisconsin – Last year’s Outland Trophy winner for best college offensive tackle, standing 6’7” and pushing 315 lbs., giving Peyton Manning more time from the blind side…scary.  Manning has put together a hall of fame career with garbage on the line, minus Saturday, but as Peyton loses a step as his career progresses, having a top left tackle will allow him to continue making the playoffs and extending his postseason losing record for years to come.

23) Philadelphia Eagles – Jimmy Smith – CB – Colorado – In a pass heavy division, clearly top corners are a necessity.  Right now, the other side of Asante Samuel is bare.  Jimmy Smith is certainly a first round caliber corner, and will be able to learn a lot playing opposite as good a ball hawking corner as there is in Samuel.

24) New Orleans Saints – Muhammed Wilkerson – DT – Temple – Kid is 6’5”, 305 lbs, and out of a crappy school like Temple.  You know he has skills to be considered at a spot like this.  He was a high school basketball star, so he has the mobility, and had 10 sacks last season, so he can get in the backfield.  A big man in the center for this Saints team will help solidify an up and down defense.

25) Seattle Seahawks – Torrey Smith – WR – Maryland – Their top receiver last year was Mike Williams.  Yes, the same Mike Williams that starred at USC, declared for the draft a year too early, became the 364^th consecutive first round receiver taken by Matt “I ruined a franchise but am good enough to color commentate for you” Millen, bloated up to 300+ pounds, then came back and became the “stud” receiver for the first team to make the playoffs with a losing record.  Needless to say, best available WR is a good addition here, and Smith is it.

26) Baltimore Ravens – Brandon Harris – CB – Miami (Fla.) – Another Miami defensive back…it has worked out well for the Ravens in the past.  Harris has the ability to be a very good coverage corner.  He will be fit right in to the Ravens style of football and help shut down the pass heavy AFC North.  Again, may sound familiar, but I still believe 100% that this is the right guy for the Ravens.

27) Atlanta Falcons – Ryan Kerrigan – DE – Purdue – Guy is a worker and knows how to get into the backfield.  I see him turning into a Patrick Kerney type player for the Falcons with better run defending ability.  Time to start bringing in players rather than names on the defensive line, and this is the first step for it.

28) New England Patriots – Justin Houston – OLB – Georgia –A solid linebacker that has the potential to become the OLB they expected when they signed Adalius Thomas a few years back.  He can rush the quarterback or stop the run.  He needs to improve his footwork in coverage, but you better believe he will learn quickly in Belichick’s system.

29) Chicago Bears – Derrick Sherrod – OT – Mississippi St. – There was a drunken naked man running through Chicago this week asking people if they believed Jay Cutler really hurt his knee.  Had the Bears already had Sherrod, this never would have happened.  Ask the families in the neighborhood where the naked guy was asking about Cutler’s health was running around who they want the Bears to draft.  Enough said.

30) New York Jets – Cameron Heyward – DE – Ohio State – I still would not be surprised if they go with Rahim Moore here, but Cameron Heyward still available might be just what the Jets need to redeem themselves for the disaster that was Vernon Gholston.  I guarantee Heyward will have infinitely more sacks in his first year than Gholston had in his Jets career, easy since he had zero sacks in the three seasons.

31) Pittsburgh Steelers – Aaron Williams – CB – Texas – The Steelers two biggest weaknesses are offensive line and defensive secondary, so expect them to go one of the two routes here.  Williams is the best available of the positions of need, so this makes for a very simple decision by the Steelers.

32) Green Bay Packers – Bruce Carter – OLB – North Carolina – The Packers need an outside linebacker opposite Clay Mathews, and Bruce Carter is the best available.  He continues to move up my board, and I see him just sneaking into the first round more based on need than true ability.  He is a early to mid-second round talent, but since the Packers need an outside backer and don’t pick again until the end of the second round, Carter is not too big a reach for them.

Round two

33) New England Patriots (from Carolina Panthers) – Mike Pouncey – OG/C – Florida

34) Buffalo Bills – Stephen Pathea – DT – Oregon State

35) Cincinnati Bengals – Mikel LeShoure – RB – Illinois

36) Denver Broncos – Allen Bailey – DE – Miami

37) Cleveland Browns – Jonathan Baldwin – WR – Pittsburgh

38) Arizona Cardinals – Stefan Wisniewski – OC/C – Penn State

39) Tennessee Titans – Jake Locker – QB – Washington

40) Dallas Cowboys – Rahim Moore – S – UCLA

41) Washington Redskins – Ryan Mallett – QB – Alabama

42) Houston Texans – Phil Taylor – DT – Baylor

43) Minnesota Vikings – Christian Ponder – QB – Florida State

44) Detroit Lions – Martez Wilson – OLB – Illinois

45) San Francisco 49ers – Andy Dalton – QB – TCU

46) Denver Broncos (from Miami Dolphins) – Kyle Randolph – TE – Notre Dame

47) St. Louis Rams – Jerrel Jernigan – WR – Troy

48) Oakland Raiders – Danny Watikins – OG – Baylor

49) Jacksonville Jaguars – Ras-I Dowling – CB – Virginia

50) San Diego Chargers – Titus Young – WR – Boise St.

51) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tyler Sash – S – Iowa

52) New York Giants – Greg Jones – ILB – Michigan St.

53) Indianapolis Colts – Marvin Austin – DT – North Carolina

54) Philadelphia Eagles – Marcus Cannon – OT – TCU

55) Kansas City Chiefs – Randall Cobb – WR – Kentucky

56) New Orleans Saints – Ryan Williams – RB – Virginia Tech

57) Seattle Seahawks – Jabaal Sheard – DE – Pitt

58) Baltimore Ravens – Leonard Hankerson – WR – Miami

59) Atlanta Falcons – Greg Little – WR – North Carolina

60) New England Patriots – Christian Ballard – DE – Iowa

61) Chicago Bears – Rodney Hudson – OG/C – Florida St.

62) San Diego Chargers (from New York Jets) – Orlando Franklin – OT – Miami

63) Pittsburgh Steelers – Jason Pinkston – OT – Pitt

64) Green Bay Packers – Shane Vereen – RB – Cal

God, I hate Charlie Sheen. Is there another human being on the planet who can do suitcases full of blow, hire hookers by the dozen, and suffer little to no legal consequences? Add to the fact how insufferably satisfied with himself the douche bag is, and that he cussed out his bosses in the national media and didn’t get fired (unless you count the transparent posturing of the 2.5 Men producers “halting” production) you just want to punch him. At least I do. And while there is nothing funny about substance abuse and addiction (until Sheen finally does me a favor and ODs) there have been a few athletes recently who have done some pretty epic stuff after getting polluted, and that IS funny.

Pat McAfee: Who ever thought punters could be cool? Nobody, that’s who. And then the soaking wet Indianapolis Colt was apprehended after getting bombed and going swimming in a canal near a local night club hot spot. He also scores major cool points for admitting to the cops, “I’m pretty drunk.” I have two words for McAfee. Role. Model. Hey Pat, you available for any baby sitting gigs?

Joe Namath: Every guy has that friend who WAY overestimates how good looking, smart, and desirable to the fairer sex he is, and how lucrative his 12 dollar an hour gig at the WalMart is. This friend then proceeds to shamelessly hit on every out-of-his-league woman at the bar, even trying to make out with a few, ruining any chance you may have had, merely by association. Thing is, Namath is good looking and filthy rich, which makes his shameless (and unsuccessful) attempt to kiss reporter Suzy Kolber on national television while blitzed (get the football reference there? I’m funny…) out of his mind all the more epic.

Miguel Cabrera: In no way does The Stain advocate or even condone drunk driving. Goodness knows, I have stupidly put my own safety and that of my fellow motorists at risk by ignorantly getting behind the wheel after one too many. Who am I kidding, more like six too many. And I paid the price, as I deserved to. I’d be lying though, if said a small part of me didn’t wish I had the grapefruits to defiantly swill from a bottle of scotch as the cops who ultimately arrested me were, well, arresting me. Again. Not condoning his poor decision to drive drunk (or mine for that matter) but I can see the humor. Can’t you? And while we are on the topic of Cabrera, am I the only one who thinks he’s not necessarily an alcoholic? You simply can’t put up numbers like he did last season if you’re hung over every day. What he has is an inability to make smart decisions after drinking.

Scotty Lago: Man, I wish I was a good enough snow boarder to win a bronze medal in the Olympics. Then I could get all baked and take suggestive photos with the medal covering my junk and hot women biting it! The medal, not my junk. Just in case clarification was needed. That stunt got our boy Scotty an early ticket home from the games. Your legend lives on though, Scotty.

Honorable Mentions: Jim McMahon telling the cops, “You got me!” and David Wells pitching a perfect game “half drunk” merit mention but fall short of making the grade. Did I forget any notables? Feel free to let me know. Until then, bottoms up.

I may be a bit late on this, but I was on vacation, so better late than never.  When I first decided I wanted to write a post about the trade deadline, I was going to write about what a joke it is that these players are able to just pick and choose where to create “super teams”.  I do believe the way many of these guys are going about it is wrong.  The summit idea that was thrown around last summer of the games top free agents and free agents to be discussing where each would go to create a select few teams that would battle it out each year would have been terrible for the game.  But then I started to think, just look at the Cavs this year, it is clear that a single player can have a tremendous impact on a team more in basketball than any other sport.  So if a player can get together with another star, and one more that is an all-star, why wouldn’t you?  Look at the Lakers and Celtics, who are winning championships, both have a 3-4 all-stars on the team.  Then I thought back to when I was a huge basketball fan.   It was the Jordan led Bulls dynasty, then the Kobe and Shaq dynasty.  I then looked back to the 80’s.  In that decade, only 5 teams made it to the finals, and the Lakers and Celtics combined for 8 Championships.  Now, and I was one of them at first, people are up in arms about the way these teams are forming.  You have D-Wade, Chris Bosh, and LeDouche James, just because I am backing these NBA teams doesn’t mean I have to like the guy, are in Miami.  You have Melo, Amare, and Chauncey in New York, with the rumors already spreading that CP3 will replace Chauncey once he becomes a free agent.  And we have already seen what the Kobe/Pau/Artest/Bynum Lakers and the Rondo/Ray Allen/Paul Pierce/KG Celtics have managed to do.  Next we will see the Thunder step into that class as they already have a great young duo in Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, have a very athletic Amare Stoudamire clone in Serge Ibaka, and just brought in a center that has proven can give the Lakers trouble in Kendrick Perkins.  The NBA still has the Spurs with Tony Parker, Manu Ginobli, and Tim Duncan currently leading the West.  So, while the Pacers, Warriors, Raptors, and Jazz fans will be stuck rooting to win the lottery, we actually have what could turn out to be some great NBA battles.  This year we have the Spurs/Lakers/Thunder in the West and the Celtics/Heat/Knicks in the East.  Each of these six teams have multiple all-stars, and are fun to watch play, with the exception of the Spurs who are just boring as all hell to watch.  There are actually more stud teams now than ever before, so tune in, and enjoy what could prove to be one of the best stretch runs and playoffs we have ever had.

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