The FA (English Football ((soccer)) (((game where you kick balls with your feet))) Association) has suspended Manchester United manager, Alex Ferguson for five games after he accused referee Martin Atkinson of bias. Specifically, he inferred that Atkinson was unfair and incapable. Needless to say, United aren’t thrilled but seriously, did they expect him to get off Scot free? Get it? Because Ferguson is Scottish? That was funny, I don’t care who you are. I kill me.

In terrible news, doctors have announced that Atlanta Braves minor league manager Luis Salazar has lost an eye after getting drilled by a line drive in a pre season game March 9th. There was some hope that doctors may be able to salvage the eye but sadly they couldn’t. A lost eye… Who saw that coming? Get it? Saw??? Because the whole eye thing? What, too soon? The great news here is that despite the terrible injury, Salazar is expected to recover well and he plans to resume his managerial duties this season. This is a pretty decent result considering that his life was considered to be in danger at one point.

Lastly, stay tuned for The Stain’s fictional player fantasy baseball draft recap. Not saying my team is stacked but Roy Hobbs and Clue Haywood? Sidd Finch??? I smell championship.