Today marks the 30 year anniversary of the most controversial Scrabble match in the history of… well, word games. The year was 1993. The location? A musty ballroom in a Baltimore Holiday Inn and Suites. At stake? $3500. What, you expected something more dramatic? It’s not like the U.S. Scrabble Tour has a lucrative multi-media deal, especially when people were still watching tv with bunny ear antennas.

Defending champion Morton Grumby was set to face off with Cindy Li, a relative unknown in Scrabble cirlces, but who had decimated all six of her opponents on the road to the final, while Grumby had uncharacteristially struggled. He would later blame his underwhelming play on mistakenly taking night time cold medicine rather than the daytime version, which most medical experts would confirm is the better option at 10 am.

Grumby and Li would engage in a best of five for the cash prize, but also, the winner would get their entry and travel to the World Championship in Helsinki, Finland subsidized.

The first two games were uneventful, each player winning one of them, playing a very conservative style – wary of opening up any avenues at all for a big scoring word for their opponent.

That’s when it got weird. Grumby got off to a big start in game 3 and had a 37 point lead on Li. Time and tiles were running out on Li so she decided to take a chance, playing OVA with A landing on top of the previously played CORN to make ACORN. It wasn’t a massive score, but it got her back in the hunt, presuming of course that Grumby didn’t have the tiles to capitalize on the opportunity. For several tense minutes, it appeared he didn’t.

These days, you can get the entire compendium of allowable Scrabble words in a matter of seconds from the Internet. In 1993, you didn’t necessarily have that luxury. If someone played a word their opponent didn’t think was legal, they could challenge it, risking a loss of turn and likely the game as a result. The match officials, yes there are referees, would consult with a manual list of accepted words and any addenda recently published to either allow or deny the word.

Turn times are loosely governed at about five minutes in tournament Scrabble play, but are rarely strictly enforced. Grumby, a sportsman if there ever was one, and well liked by his fellow competitors, tried hard to observe the rule on his end. As the seconds ticked down, he elected to play MIXT, with the X landing on top of OVA to spell XOVA – a devastating score that all but lucked up game 3 for him. The dozens in attendance looked at each other nervously. XOVA? Was that a word?

Li was taken aback as well. What she lacked in reputation prior to this event, she made up with astute play and obscure words that were nonetheless found in all of the reference materials’ accepted plays. But she didn’t recall XOVA in any of them. After taking a moment to wrack her brain, and with nothing to lose, she challenged the play.

Ashgar Patel, the head referee for the event, and a former World Runner Up in Scrabble himself, strode to the table and signaled for a challenge time out, similar to the way an NBA referee would call a technical foul – probably on Dillon Brooks because that guy is a dick, even though he hadn’t been born yet.

Most challenges are quickly resolved as the questioned word is either on the list of allowed plays, or it isn’t. But as Patel reviewed the compendium, not finding it, he was nudged by assistant referee Carlos Bergman. Bergman was a medical researcher by trade, and was fairly certain he’d seen XOVA used in some clinical trial documentation he’d worked with.

It wasn’t unusual for Scrabble’s allowable plays to be updated, even frequently. So the compendium Patel was referencing wasn’t necessarily the gospel single source of truth.

“Are you sure?” Patel asked Bergman. As long as XOVA wasn’t a brand name, or otherwise a proper noun, it could potentially be allowed.

“Fairly,” Bergman replied. “I can’t say for 100% sure, but gun to my head, I’d say I saw it.”

Phone calls happened. Hushed conferences happened. An errand boy was even sent out to find copies of the scientific resource Bergman thought he’d seen the word used in – North American Medical Journal. Ultimately, Bergman was able to reach one of his researcher colleagues who confirmed for him that XOVA was indeed a word. Copies of a study containing it would be faxed to the hotel, but in the meantime, Bergman wanted to rush the verdict back to Patel.

The explanation sufficed for Patel and in a hurry to get the festivities going again. He strode to the table and with great pomp and self-importance, loudly stated, “word,” as he pointed to the board, much like a soccer referee would indicate a penalty kick was awarded.

Grumby was visibly delighted with the ruling, while Li remained stoic. There were still two games she could win, and she was tough.

Shortly after, roughly a third of the way into game 4 of a possible 5, is when the problems started. The fax with XOVA used in context had arrived via a lobby machine, and been brought to the judges. Patel immediately glared at Bergman. XOVA was short for XOVALEFRIN POLYFLUOXIDE, an arthritis drug that had shown ineffective results in trials, but was now being investigated for potential therapeutic benefits with other maladies. XOVA was simply the abbreviation for it, making it ineligible for Scrabble play, even if it hadn’t been a proper noun, also making it ineligible. Bergman hadn’t shared the context of his question with his researcher pal, and in his haste to deliver the news, hadn’t waited for an explanation from him.

Patel consulted the official rules for the Scrabble championship and found on page 18 that all officiating decisions are final, even if made in error. There would be no way to go back and undo this call. Patel decided he would wait until after the match was concluded to share the mistake with Li and apologize. And the way it was looking, she had a shot. She had pulled ahead in game 4, and looked certain to force a deciding game 5.

Bergman was embarrassed and angry, and threw the faxed copy of the study in the trash bin.

Bad became worse. One of Grumby’s friends in attendance, Abdelkader Baan, himself a strong Scrabble player who had been eliminated in the quarterfinals, had noticed the somewhat heated exchanges between Patel and Bergman, and was curious what two game officials could be arguing about. He inauspiciously made his way to the trash bin and snuck a peek at the sheaf of papers on the top of it. He smiled to himself. “Wait until Morty finds out about this,” he thought to himself.

Meanwhile, Li had locked up game 4, and the two competitors agreed on a quick restroom break before resuming. As Li headed off for the ladies room, Baan followed his buddy Grumby into the mens room. “You got away with one!” he laughed. Grumby then told him something wildly unexpected. “I grabbed the wrong tile. By the time I realized it, it was too late.”

He had meant to play MINT, and make NOVA, but grabbed the X instead of the N by mistake – a shocking error for a player of Grumby’s quality, but he’d considered playing a different word using the X and had what he would later characterize as a brain fart. By rule, once a player releases his hand from the final tile he or she plays, it’s final. Had he only not released his finger from the T, he could have unplayed the X and avoided the controversy.

When Grumby returned to the table, Li was waiting for him, none the wiser. He felt bad, and wanted to apologize to her, but them’s the breaks. He would figure out a proper apology after.

Game 5 was a tight one. Grumby was saddled with a bunch of vowels with his tiles while Li was sitting on the always tough Z, X and J tiles. After several more turns back and forth of conservative plays, Grumby had acquired a better tile situation and was able to play EMBARGO, a full 7 tile, 50 point bonus on top of the word score. Li had edged to a narrow lead but was now seemingly hopelessly behind. She smiled at Grumby and said, “Nice one.” If there was a silver lining to Grumby’s huge play, it was that it opened up opportunities for Li. She was able to play HAZE on a double word score, ridding herself of the troublesome Z and climbing back to within striking distance.

Grumby had gotten unlucky with his new 7 tiles and didn’t have any great options. Sometimes when a player is in this situation, they’ll try to gum up the open tiles by playing a series of two letter words along it, but Grumby chose to open up a different avenue by playing OVA using the O from EMBARGO.

This is when it all went to hell. Li, who had remained mostly stoic throughout the match, laughed to herself. She looked up at Grumby and said, “You’re gonna either hate me or laugh.” She played XI, making XOVA with the X as well. Grumby smiled, and shook his head. “That’s insane,” he said.

Inside his head, an internal debate raged. He now knew that XOVA wasn’t a word, but he had been credited for it in game 3. Was it fair to challenge? By rule, the officials can’t intervene unless a player challenges a word. Patel’s eyes betrayed nothing behind his professorial glasses.

“Hell with it,” Grumby mumbled to himself. “Challenge,” he called loudly.

Wasting no time, Patel strode to the table and made a dramatic signal like an NFL referee would indicate an incomplete pass, and in an even voice said, “No word.”

Li was incredulous, more than upset. “How is that possible?”

Patel’s face turned red from embarrassment and he explained the error to Li. She said nothing, nodded grimly and stood. “I concede,” she said.

“The game isn’t over yet! Anything can happen!” Grumby tried in vain to convince her to finish the match, but her decision was made.

Prize money was given and the most controversial finish in organized Scrabble history was recorded in the annals. What’s done is done.

So, if you’ll now check your calendar, you’ll see it’s April Fools, and none of this actually ever happened. But what IS happening, is that The Stain is back. And along with our usual stylistic content, rife with nincompoopery and absurdity, we’ll be featuring a monthly segment called, “Did it Happen?” We’ll tell you a crazy story about a sporting event, and it will be up to you to determine whether it happened or not. No Googling allowed!

Thanks for reading.

With games like this – friendlies in the January camp – you have to take everything with a grain of salt. That said, our competitive spirit means we want to win. That clearly didn’t happen. The US was completely outplayed by a novice Serbian squad, containing none of its World Cup contingent. To be fair, many of the US players were either uncapped, teenagers, or both as well. If we’re being honest, the expectations should have been low. Combine inexperience with precious limited practice time, throw in an unmitigated disaster of caretaker manager, and you get what you got today. Defeat. Not all is lost however. There were some moments of brightness, reasons for optimism, and perhaps even glimpses of guys who might play more meaningful roles with the national team in the future.

Before get into it, as per the usual we use a ten point rating system, with half points issued when I can’t make up my mind. In case you were wondering, there are no zeros, though they might have been appropriate for a couple of the guys. Ok, without further ado.

LB Jonathan Gomez – 6.0

One of the few bright spots today. No shortage of energy and effort with this fella. He’s a liability on defense but marauding up the left wing, he constantly had the Serbian defense on its heels. Let down a couple times by a brick-footed first touch, and a couple of others by Cade Cowell (more on him later) choosing poorly in distribution, he could have had more of an impact on the game. Certainly nothing to be ashamed of though.

LCB Jalen Neal – 4.0

What a mixed bag. The LA Galaxy youngster looks absolutely splendid on the ball. Firm, accurate passes. Confident in possession. Positive in his intent. He was fun to watch… parts of him anyway. Now for the bad. If you’re a center back, you can’t be blundering the ball away in the defensive third… which he did twice, once leading directly to a goal. He’s an absolute oil spill on defense at this point. He’s just 19, and may get a bunch of experience in the upcoming MLS season, but let’s get another look at him in two years.

RCB Walker Zimmerman – 3.0

Supposed to be the veteran presence among the youth. Was mostly anonymous, which isn’t always the worst thing for a center back, but he was directly to blame for Serbia’s equalizer, abandoning his post in the wall just as the shot was taken. Failed to keep an organized back line. His partner Neal’s passing was far more positive, not to mention accurate. One to forget for the World Cup veteran.

RB Julian Gressel – 5.0

Hit a beautiful cross right onto the dome of Brandon Vazquez for the US opener. That’s about where the positives end. Got turned inside out too easily on several Serbian attacks on his wing. Generally positioned himself well, but didn’t look at all capable of winning a one on one battle. He’s a marvelous MLS player but the international stage is just too big for him, based solely (and possibly unfairly) on this one performance.

LM Paxton Pomykal – 2.5

The Dallas FC veteran, which sounds funny to say because he’s only 23, doesn’t belong on an international pitch, even in a friendly. Consistently slow to react, second to 50/50 balls, uninventive in possession – what else is there to say? He’s a perfectly adequate MLS player – and maybe some of his rough performance is just not knowing the system – but I can’t imagine him seeing another minute for the USMNT in any scenario. Which probably means Hudson gives him 90 against Colombia.

CM Aidan Morris – 6.5

Another one of the few bright spots for the US. Most people have no idea who he is, mainly because he plays in Columbus. But there’s some real ability here. Absent a traditional holding midfielder – a role generally inhabited by the outstanding Tyler Adams – Morris was left to absorb a lot of those responsibilities. And while he didn’t look great defending, he was a force pushing the ball forward. Distributed nicely as well as intelligently, and had a suberb strike from 22 yards kept out by a very nice save from the Serbian goalkeeper.

RM Alan Sonora – 3.5

Could be even lower but we give marks for effort here. Scuppered several attacking opportunities for the US by being out of position, with a shitty first touch, or simply losing possession. I had hopes for him. Not high ones, necessarily, but considering his club pedigree, a better performance wouldn’t have been a shock. Alas, it wasn’t to be. Another guy who probably shouldn’t be invited back.

LF Cade Cowell – 7.5

Easily the man of the match for the US. Was at the center of about 80% of the US’ attacking threats. Hit the woodwork twice in a span of minutes in the second half, and fired a curling effort narrowly wide in the first. Could have conceivably had a hat trick, was savagely unlucky to not have at least one goal, and ultimately had zero. The future is bright for him though. On the negative side, on multiple occasions he either simply missed an overlapping, surging Gomez on his left or elected to force a pass into a more congested space. He’s marvelously talented, and always open it seems, but you have to also make the right choices. Given time, I would think, he will.

CF Brandon Vazquez – 5.0

Well, he scored a goal on a marvelous header. Other than that, he did jack shit. Also took a goal right off the foot of Julian Gressel as the Serbian defense fumbled their way around a US corner. Hard to get too mad at him for that since a center forward’s job is to be greedy around the net… but he literally did nothing apart from the goal. Maybe he had… what, a dozen touches total? Only one of them good. But hey, a goal is a goal.

RF Alejandro Zendejas – 5.5

It took him a half, but he grew into the game. Got himself out of position a bunch early on, which jacked up the US formation in transition and congested the field. On the plus side, showed some real ambition in the second half. The final product needs some work, and he was unlucky not to win a penalty in the second half (announcer Kyle Martino, a former US international himself, said the referee got the no call correctly, but the slow motion replay showed a clear foul, even if it wasn’t an egregious one). We haven’t seen the last of him.

The Substitutes

Aaron Long – 4.5

Came on for Zimmerman into the heart of the US defense. Let’s just throw it out there. He isn’t good enough. Another guy who isn’t out of place at all in MLS, but put him against quality opposition and he’s a liability. To his credit, he came forward on all set pieces and attacked them well. Just didn’t get anhy results out of it.

Matthew Hoppe – 1.5

Came on for Vazquez. Just useless. From Bundesliga hat trick scorer to… what even is he now? I can’t imagine he’ll last even at Middlesboro.

Kellyn Acosta – 2.0

I had come nearly all the way around on Acosta after initially praying for his banishment from the national squad. From playing brilliantly in World Cup qualifying, to acquitting himself well in somewhat limited time at the big tournament, what wasn’t to like? To start, today. His trademark excellence at set pieces was nowhere to be seen (how the fuck do you smash a cross right into a one man wall?) and from open play he either underhit or overjuiced nearly every one of his passes. Just a sinkhole of a performance form him.

Eryk Williamson – 5.0

Williamson is an interesting one. He’s a hard worker and a tremendous athlete, and immensely popular with Portland Timbers fans. He was unlucky to see a fizzing effort from 20 plus yards go narrowly over, and generally had a more positive impact than negative. The problem with him is, he’s already 25, and the finer points (first touch, passing, etc.) are lacking in his game. He will probably get some more minutes against Colombia, and he earned them, but he’s not one for the future really.

DeJuan Jones – 4.5

Came on for Gressel. He actually looks to be an interesting prospect. Had one unforgiveable turnover in defense and was lucky it didn’t result in a goal. You simply can’t do that as a defender. But showed real gumption getting forward, and fired no less than four dangerous crosses in from the right wing. He’s one we’ll need to see more of, and if the defensive brainfart was the aberration rather than the norm, there’s a future for him. We saw the God awful Shaq Moore get World Cup minutes, after all.

Paul Arriola – 6.0

Did his usual bit. Worked hard. Ran hard. Wasted a glorious opportunity by rolling his shot tamely at the keeper. Also had a much better effort kept out by a brilliant save. And importantly, made all the right runs on attack. They generally didn’t work out because he was relying on the likes of the hapless Matt Hoppe to provide some service to him, but nonetheless, quality showing from the popular and dependable veteran.

Coach Anthony Hudson – 5.0

In history, and I mean since these things were tracked for coaches, no coach has a more futile record than Hudson. He’s literally never had success as a coach, anywhere he’s coached. That’s fucking impressive, in its own way. So no, keep this man far away from the full time job. That said, not a ton to lambast him over. The formation was fine. He gave minutes to some guys we needed to see. But, as they say, results matter and they lost. Additionally, it would have been nice to see Paxten Aaronson get in the game…and John Tolkin too… and while we’re at it, Emmanuel Sabbi.

Did we get it wrong? Right? Indifferent? Let us know on Twitter @thestainsports. Thanks for reading.

Sadly, and to me, unexpectedly, the USA’s run in the World Cup came to a crushing end today with a 3-1 defeat to The Netherlands. Perhaps it shouldn’t be a big surprise, but with an aging Holland team that had a flu bug raging through its ranks versus a young and athletic USA team, I fully expected the USA to win today. Alas, it didn’t happen.

Before we get into the ratings, here’s what we learned today.

The USA desperately needs a center forward, and there’s nobody currently in the player pool who looks the part. Josh Sargent is ok and works hard, but that’s about it. Jesus Ferreira is what he is, which is great against poor competition and anonymous against any sort of quality. Haji Wright is just a guy, and while he got a goal today, it’s unlikely he knew much about it. Unless you have someone, ideally more than just one, at the 9 who can be a consistent threat, all this possession the US can dominate is pretty meaningless. Tim Weah can play the 9, and probably be servicable, but it’s not his best position by a long stretch. We need to develop a center forward. Period, full stop.

Tyler Adams is human.

This team will never achieve its full potential with Gregg Berhalter as coach. And while the man deserves some credit for getting the team qualified, something his predecessors could not do for 2018, he has a long enough track record at offensive ineptness that expecting change at this point is insanity.

Matt Turner is world class goalie. You can win a World Cup with him.

There’s more, but we’ll get into it in greater detail with the individual ratings, which as always will include a half point scoring system because… reasons.

GK Matt Turner – 7.0

Pretty wild ride for Turner this tourney, but he was mostly excellent. He’s still an adventure with the ball at his feet, and at least once a game (he did it again today) he will have an awful touch or make some wildly unnecessary dribble. But the man can stop shots. He couldn’t have done a thing about any of the three goals scored by The Netherlands today, and made three solid saves to keep his team in it. There’s still a ton of upside with Turner and if Arsenal gives him a chance to play more often, he should be even better in 2026. In international circles the US has been largely known for excellent goalkeeping and there’s no reason to think that should change with Turner now the clear cut number 1.

LB Antonee Robinson – 3.5

Shockingly bad today. He’s still quite the talent and we shouldn’t make any rash judgments on his future on one bad performance. After all, Denzel Dumfries is an extraordinary player, but when the guy you’re essentially in charge of has a hand in all three goals your defense allows, you didn’t do your job. He still tried hard, ran forward and tried to create, which is nice. And his final balls into the box were better than they usually are, but when you’re a defender, you’ll be judged first on your defense, and his was woefully lacking today. Leaving Dumfries entirely alone at the far post for Holland’s third was criminal.

CB Tim Ream – 6.5

Just a brilliant tournament from the veteran Fulham captain. Smart in possession and accurate with his passes, he showed a steadiness in a massive game that was missing from his younger compatriots. His lack of footspeed got exposed a few times on Netherlands long balls into space, but he recovered each time into solid position. You’d like to see him actually get to the ball first, but speed isn’t something you can teach. In any case, if he’s still playing at age 39 when the World Cup comes back around again, it’s not crazy to think he might be one of the center backs for the US.

CB Walker Zimmerman – 6.5

Probably his best game of the tournament. Notably, he played smartly in one on one situations that could result in penalties pretty easily in the case of an unwise challenge. Despite their win, The Netherlands were entirely ineffective on set pieces and that’s largely due to Zim’s dominance in the air.

RB Sergino Dest – 5.0

Holland did little on their left flank and he too made wise decisions in one on one situations. But while he’s usually a menace on the right wing, he offered little in attack. Emblematic of his game was when he had a clear shot on goal from about 22 yards away and it ended up in a throw in. For the Netherlands. It would have taken a remarkable shot to score from that distance, especially with the excellent Andries Noppert in goal, but when you take a shot that’s meant to score… and it ends up being a throw in for the opposite team… dude…

CM Tyler Adams – 2.5

Woof. The captain and fearless leader of this team turned in a performance to forget. Not sure if it was fatigue or what, but Memphis Depay’s opener was from his office, the backbreaking second from Daley Blind was from almost the exact same spot. There’s not much else to say. Both goals were preventable with responsible defense and he wasn’t there to do it.

CM Yunus Musah – 5.0

Rendered mostly ineffective by Holland’s strategic defensive posture, you didn’t hear his name called enough. He didn’t do a ton wrong, but you’d like to see a creative player like him make some adjustments and utilize the spaces he’s given. It didn’t happen today, but he wasn’t awful.

CM Weston McKennie – 5.5

You can copy paste Musah’s summary above. Played a nice ball in to Pulisic on which he should have scored in the third minute but otherwise accomplished little, though not for lack of effort. Exhausted after an hour, was subbed off. Not a knock on him, he came into the tournament short on match fitness and gave it his best.

LF Christian Pulisic – 5.0

Spurned a golden opportunity to open the US accounts in the third minute by firing straight into Noppert’s leg when alone through on goal. You just have to score there, especially when your team doesn’t create much in terms of quality chances. Moreover, he found himself with space to shoot on several occasions, but rolled the ball harmlessly into Noppert’s gloves. It would be unfair to say he was poor, and the effort was once again there, but someone had to provide a spark and it wasn’t him.

RF Tim Weah – 5.0

Utilized space on the right wing well, but time after time was unable to provide a useful ball into the box. Overall there’s grounds for huge optimism for Weah’s future on the USMNT, and he should be everpresent. Today just wasn’t his day, though like most of his teammates, it wasn’t for lack of trying.

CF Jesus Ferreira – 1.5

Did nothing. And I mean nothing. As a Ferreira truther of sorts, I took this personally. Should have some work to do before wearing the US shirt again. Subbed off at half time, which was probably 44 minutes too late.

SUBS

Haji Wright – 5.5

Well, he got a goal, though it was pure luck. Should have had one before after smartly intercepting a back pass, but an abysmal first touch around Noppert put him too far towards the end line and his tame attempt on goal was easily cleared. There may be something there with Wright but for now, he’s a work in progress and if the US was going to advance farther than they did, they need better from the center forward position.

Gio Reyna – 5.0

Came on at halftime for Ferreira. While his paucity of minutes this tournament will be a subject of debate for quite some time, I imagine, he didn’t do a lot with his opportunity. He’s definitely a threat when he’s on the ball, and we saw that today, but the final quality – stop me if you’ve heard this before – was missing. Body language is also an issue. He tends to pout and slouch when the ball gets turned over rather than hustling back. That’s a problem.

Brenden Aaronson – 5.0

Came on for Weah. You’ll never fault the effort. And his rating today is purely on that. He will run relentlessly, and moreover, plug passing lanes on defense with admirable commitment. The problem is, a player of his profile needs to be offensively effective. He just isn’t good enough to beat guys one on one. He won’t run at anyone and try to win a penalty. His passing isn’t good. And that’s what we saw today. He may one day be good enough to be an international midfielder, but we aren’t there yet, and the hype train needs to pull the air brake.

DeAndre Yedlin – 5.0

Look, it’s not his fault that when in desperate need of a goal, Berhalter replaced the offensively capable Dest with the rugged and defensively inclined Yedlin. Did well recovering on the wing when the US threw resources forward, but as one of those resources, we again saw why he is still without a goal in 80something games as a US international. That’s fine. He’s a perfectly viable defender on the international level. Just not who you needed today.

Jordan Morris – N/A

Wasn’t out there long enough to calculate any rating of meaning. But in the few minutes he got, he ran hard, as he always does. After all he’s been through with injuries, it was nice to see him get a few minutes here and there this tournament. It’s hard to imagine he’ll be on the roster in 2026, but he’s an easy guy to cheer for.

Coach Gregg Berhalter – 4.0

It’s always easy to point fingers after a loss. Scapegoat. Call for heads, etc. Starting Ferreira today was a gamble, and it didn’t pay off. That’s ok, he pulled the sub string at halftime. Here’s the brass tacks. If you blame him for the team’s offensive ineptness at scoring goals, you would be well within your rights. You would also, however, have to give him some credit for their defensive excellence in this tournament. And if not for an uncharacteristically poor game from their excellent captain today, it could have been 1-1 after 90 minutes. But the bottom line is, he just lacks imagination. For Christ’s sake, needing to score, he replaced the offensive minded Dest with the defensive minded Yedlin. This team needs to score goals. And his coaching track record is flush with leading teams that struggle to score. Give him credit for what he got done. He got the team here. He got them through the group stage. But this is as far as they’ll ever get with him at the helm. A change is needed.

Thanks for reading.

The USA overcame a nervy close and brutal mismanagement from Gregg Berhalter after a dominant start to advance out of the group stages in the World Cup. Their reward, a round of 16 battle with a talented, but also beatable Netherlands team. You know, had someone told me before the games began – hell, before the GROUPS were picked – that the US would advance to the knockout stages, I’d have signed on the dotted line. Wouldn’t care how they got there, who they beat, who they lost to, etc. Or after the groups were announced, I wouldn’t care that they drew against Wales, easily the weakest team of the group. Or that they looked like the better team for much of their draw against England, easily the group’s powerhouse. Or that it took a nervy finish against a tough and resilient Iran squad. It’s weird that I care now.

Anyway, I digress. Let’s take a look at our individual performers and (barf) the coach from today’s game. As always, a half point scoring system will be used because I feel like it.

GK Matt Turner – 5.0

I wouldn’t say that Turner made any huge errors, but after two games in which he was solid, authoritative, decisive, a little nuts, and mostly confidence inspiring, he just seemed unsure of himself today. Especially late on, it seemed he could have come for a couple crosses, marshalled his back line more effectively and be more assured of his positioning. Hey, a clean sheet is a clean sheet and he deserves some credit for that, but he will hope for a more commanding performance against the Netherlands.

LB Antonee Robinson – 8.0

This might be his coming out party as one of the world’s best left backs. Fulham, I suspect, will be getting some calls in January. Once again he was a terror all along the left wing, and once again he was virtually unbeatable as a defender. And before you say anything regarding the quality of opponent, Iran is much better than you think they are, and even if they weren’t, then he did what he was supposed to do anyway. As always the caveat with him is that his final ball is poor, and there was nothing today to indicate it wasn’t, hence the 8.0 instead of even better.

CB Tim Ream – 7.0

I’ve seen enough. He’ll be 39 when the 2026 World Cup is hosted in North America and I’m ready to name him to the squad there already. You didn’t hear his name much today, but that was game script rather than anonymity. No mistakes. The right play every time. Held firm in the dying moments. He isn’t the captain here like he is at Fulham, but he’s a veteran leader and he’s acting and playing like it. Another good one from him.

CB Cameron Carter-Vickers – 6.5

A (maybe?) surprise starter ahead of Ream’s normal partner in crime, Walker Zimmerman, CCV didn’t look out of place. I suspect he got the nod over Zimmerman because he’s more of a threat on offense, not any kind of punishment for a shaky cup so far from Zim. Sure enough, he looked threatening on offense, and was good enough on defense. Maybe got lucky not to concede a penalty in stoppage time – not because he committed a foul. He absolutely didn’t. But because the referees were abysmal today and virtually every call of consequence went in favor of Iran. Nothing to be ashamed of from him today.

RB Sergino Dest – 8.5

Another marauding performance on the right wing from the dynamic Dest. Much like his countepart on the opposite wing, Dest was a constant menace against a durable Iranian defense. Also defended better than he generally gets credit for, and crucially assisted on the game’s only goal with an inch perfect headed pass. Also like Robinson, you’d probably sacrifice your firstborn to see his cross delivery improve, but now you’re wanting your cake and to eat it too.

LM Weston McKennie – 6.5

Solid, if unspectacular from him. Not that he was bad by any stretch, but after dominating in the game against England, he was merely… good-ish today. You wonder if fatigue is becoming a factor with him. Match fitness was going to be a question before the games started, and he’s given a tremendous effort. Visibly flagging after an hour, Berhalter correctly subbed him off.

CM Tyler Adams – 8.5

He’s irreplaceable, for his calmness and leadership as much as his play. Asked to be more involved in the offense with today’s formation, he was, and sacrificed zero of his defensive excellence to do so. I’m running out of superlatives for him. He’s simply special.

RM Yunus Musah – 9.0

Ok, son. I see you. Everyone and their mom was gushing about Musah’s play the first two games, to the point of annoyance and tedium. He was indisputably one of the team’s weaker players on the field. Which brings us to today’s man of the match performance. Borderline flawless. Excellent defensively, creative and aggressive offensively, all that was missing was a goal. If he can put in performances like today at age 19, the sky is the limit in 2026. He can be that good, and better.

LF Christian Pulisic – 8.0

He keeps playing like this, I might have to start liking him. Another guy who wasn’t wearing the armband, but led by example. Even had his dick and balls not been smashed on his game-winning goal, it was still a courageous finish with a heavy collision all but certain. After receiving treatment, he gutted out the last few minutes of the first half in hopes of recovering enough to play the second. It wasn’t to be. The dick trauma was understandably too acute for him to continue and he was subbed off to start the second half. Hell of a 45 minutes though from the US’ most recognizable player.

CF Josh Sargent – 6.0

I wish I had better things to say about Sargent. He’s certainly trying hard, and he’s been fine defending from the front on set pieces. He’s just not the sort of greedy, goals by the bushelful center forward this team needs. Nobody on the roster is, to be fair, but still. Never seemed likely to score today, and you just can’t have that from your center forward if you have designs on getting very far. Other than that, he was decent enough.

RF Tim Weah – 7.5

Let’s just get this out of the way. He was onside. This isn’t sour grapes. This isn’t an accusation of cheating, favortism, or gambling by the officials, though let’s be honest, they probably do. At least some of them. But the review technology for offside is fatally flawed. FIFA has fucked with the rule over the years to the point where it’s absurd now. But back to the automated screen, the graphic we were shown was not representative of reality. It was a good goal. If it was even debatable, I would tell you that. It wasn’t. In the live replay we were shown Weah as level at worst with the Iranian defender. Last I will say on it is this. I am in favor of technology helping officials get calls right. Ok? I am. But the technology has to be accurate. And this isn’t. It’s a shitty rule in its current form, and it has shitty technology to help enforce it. Ok, I’m done.

Back to Weah, he was a constant threat. Apart from his goal that should have counted, he could have at least two more with better finishing – the only wart on an otherwise sterling performance.

SUBS

Brenden Aaronson – 6.0

Came on for the injured Pulisic and made himself a constant nuisance to the Iranians. As Berhalter abandoned any endeavor to get a second goal, Aaronson was in the unfamiliar role of having to almost exclusively defend. It’s not his ideal application but he didn’t look out of place and gave it his usual 100% effort.

Kellyn Acosta – 5.0

Replaced an exhausted McKennie in about the 65th minute. Didn’t do a whole lot wrong, but was in the wrong role for the formation. He’s essentially a not as good Tyler Adams, so you either play two defensive mids when they’re both on – an option – or you’re fucking doing it wrong. Not his fault. Just saying. Not many opportunities for his signature set piece delivery either. Also not his fault.

Walker Zimmerman – 6.5

Replaced Weah late on with Iran attacking for their tournament lives. Another sub that made sense with the game script, but could have turned disastrous due to formational application. Not his fault. In fact, had a crucial block and clearance late on with Iran posing a real threat. Didn’t seem out of place as a sub after starting the first two games.

Haji Wright – 4.5

Came on for Sargent and was almost entirely anonymous. Not all his fault, but he’s just not the caliber of player that plays center forward for a team that’s going to win anything big. I hope I end up being wrong.

Shaq Moore – 1.5

Shaq Moore is a perfectly fine right back in MLS. Especially if the game is low pressure. In a World Cup scenario, he’s simply awful. Came on for Sergino Dest. Made poorly timed runs. Didn’t close down attackers. Needlessly conceded corners. There is absolutely no reason for him, apart from injuries to the first dozen guys who would play a better right back than him, for him to ever see the field again this World Cup.

Coach Gregg Berhalter – 3.5

Wow. Just, wow. How this team has managed to succeed at all inspite of their coach is actually inspiring. If we’re being fair, the decision to start CCV in place of Zimmerman was a good one, and tactically logical and sound. GGG also deserves credit for sticking with the guys that have worked well so far. And that’s where the plaudits end. Yes, it sucked to have Pulisic have to leave injured. But it’s unconscionable for him to abandon all pretense of attacking and just park the bus the entire second half. You want to talk about chicken shit?

Now, while it does make sense late LATE on to bring on guys like Zimmerman and Acosta in place of more attack-minded players like McKennie and Weah, you have to adjust your formations accordingly. Because otherwise you’ll end up with three center backs, two defensive center mids, and two outside fullbacks, and only two of these players (two of the three center backs) will know where they need to be. Simply throwing on another defender in place of an attacker without a plan beyond that isn’t enough.

Lastly, we come to the Shaq Moore debacle. When he was included on the final roster, the incredulous looks were likely accompanied by “well, does it REALLY matter who the 26th guy is? Not like he’ll see the field.” Well, he has now. And no sane man or woman will have seen his appearance against England and thought, “that guy needs to be on the field again.” Yet here we were. Berhalter really looked at Joe Scally, the Borrussia Moenchen Gladbach right back whose sterling performances against Alphonso Davies of all people elevated him to national awareness. And he really looked at the rugged and dependable veteran DeAndre Yedlin, a guy with actual world cup experience. And he thought, “nope, I’m going with Moore!” It’s indefensible.

This team is too talented to be saddled with the brutal ineptness of Berhalter’s in-game management. Once again, yes, the team qualified with him as coach, and ADVANCED with him as coach. But it’s becoming more and more clear that any success this team attains will be in spite of him, not led by him.

Not for the first time today, I hope I’m wrong.