God, I hate Charlie Sheen. Is there another human being on the planet who can do suitcases full of blow, hire hookers by the dozen, and suffer little to no legal consequences? Add to the fact how insufferably satisfied with himself the douche bag is, and that he cussed out his bosses in the national media and didn’t get fired (unless you count the transparent posturing of the 2.5 Men producers “halting” production) you just want to punch him. At least I do. And while there is nothing funny about substance abuse and addiction (until Sheen finally does me a favor and ODs) there have been a few athletes recently who have done some pretty epic stuff after getting polluted, and that IS funny.

Pat McAfee: Who ever thought punters could be cool? Nobody, that’s who. And then the soaking wet Indianapolis Colt was apprehended after getting bombed and going swimming in a canal near a local night club hot spot. He also scores major cool points for admitting to the cops, “I’m pretty drunk.” I have two words for McAfee. Role. Model. Hey Pat, you available for any baby sitting gigs?

Joe Namath: Every guy has that friend who WAY overestimates how good looking, smart, and desirable to the fairer sex he is, and how lucrative his 12 dollar an hour gig at the WalMart is. This friend then proceeds to shamelessly hit on every out-of-his-league woman at the bar, even trying to make out with a few, ruining any chance you may have had, merely by association. Thing is, Namath is good looking and filthy rich, which makes his shameless (and unsuccessful) attempt to kiss reporter Suzy Kolber on national television while blitzed (get the football reference there? I’m funny…) out of his mind all the more epic.

Miguel Cabrera: In no way does The Stain advocate or even condone drunk driving. Goodness knows, I have stupidly put my own safety and that of my fellow motorists at risk by ignorantly getting behind the wheel after one too many. Who am I kidding, more like six too many. And I paid the price, as I deserved to. I’d be lying though, if said a small part of me didn’t wish I had the grapefruits to defiantly swill from a bottle of scotch as the cops who ultimately arrested me were, well, arresting me. Again. Not condoning his poor decision to drive drunk (or mine for that matter) but I can see the humor. Can’t you? And while we are on the topic of Cabrera, am I the only one who thinks he’s not necessarily an alcoholic? You simply can’t put up numbers like he did last season if you’re hung over every day. What he has is an inability to make smart decisions after drinking.

Scotty Lago: Man, I wish I was a good enough snow boarder to win a bronze medal in the Olympics. Then I could get all baked and take suggestive photos with the medal covering my junk and hot women biting it! The medal, not my junk. Just in case clarification was needed. That stunt got our boy Scotty an early ticket home from the games. Your legend lives on though, Scotty.

Honorable Mentions: Jim McMahon telling the cops, “You got me!” and David Wells pitching a perfect game “half drunk” merit mention but fall short of making the grade. Did I forget any notables? Feel free to let me know. Until then, bottoms up.