As rabid baseball fans, Shaun and I certainly didn’t want to wait with our takes on free agency. I’d come up with funnier stuff to lead into this but… I can’t find my gin and tonic… Without further ado, the biggest bargains available in free agency, and biggest impending disasters.

The Bargains

Aaron Hill: Above average fielding, decent slugging second baseman failed to find his form of yore after being traded to the D Backs last season, and hits the market after being awful the last two seasons. His utter brutality will lend him to someone at a cut rate, incentive laden deal, and he can’t possibly be as awful as he has been after his brilliant ’09 with Toronto. Don’t expect another 30+ homeruns, but pretty good defense and 20 round trippers are on tap if you can stomach the sub .250 average.  My hope, the Dodgers give him a shot. Reality, the bankrupt Mets will probably take a shot at him.

David DeJesus: Was absolutely putrid in Oakland after a quietly stellar career in Kansas City. You can’t be very good for the better part of a decade and instantly suck from one year to the next. He defends well, doesn’t have an ego and is bound to recover. My guess, no good team will give him a shot, but he could go some place like Pittsburgh and hit around .300 with double digit home runs.

Takashi Saito: Yeah, he’s ancient. But even in his 40s, his low 90s fastball hasn’t lost a single tick since his heyday with the Dodgers and his slider is still quietly one of the best in baseball. The list of pitchers with an era lower than his 2.03 last season is a short and esteemed one. Need more convincing? Never in his MLB career has his ERA been over 3. Not once. Yeah, he’s brittle and needs to be limited to about 50 games, but it’s not his arm that ever hurts. Still need more convincing? He was untouchable this postseason for Milwaukee. Still need more convincing? 389 career strikeouts in just over 300 innings pitched. More? .199 career batting average against. Still more? Last season, it was .216, only a smidge above his career level. Just trust me already, he’s really good.  Really really good.  My guess… no bleepin idea, but he’ll be a steal wherever he signs, whether it’s the Yankees or Toledo Mud Hens.

Jimmy Rollins: He’ll never be the same guy that was the epitome of MVP. But with Jose Reyes getting the headlines as the best shortstop available in free agency, a team with realistic expectations will get a guy who hits .275 with 30 steals, 15 home runs, excellent defense, and walks enough to annoy opposing teams. In other words, the anti-Rafael Furcal.

Rod Barajas: I know, I know, you are all crying, “Homer!” So I’ll preempt your negativity. Somewhat flimsy arm lands him in the bottom third in runners caught stealing, though notorious slowpokes-to-the-plate Ted Lilly, Chad Billingsley, and the entire Dodger bullpen didn’t help. However, it bears mentioning that he never fails to sacrifice his body to block a pitch in the dirt, and almost never gives up a passed ball. Sure, Yadier Molina has the best arm around, but watching him merely swipe at pitches in the dirt all post season as they rocketed to the backstop for wild pitches made me take pause. Yeah, the Cards are deserved champs, and even though Yadi came up with some clutch hits, it’s really no thanks to him. Oh, and Barajas is good for 15-20 dingers if you can stomach the sub .250 batting average.

J.D. Drew: If he doesn’t retire, he’d make a decent DH somewhere, right? How can you get hurt just swinging the bat?

Russ Branyan: It’s about expectations. Live with the strikeouts, platoon him, and you get about 20 taters. There has to be an AL team that can use him, and then use him correctly.

The Disasters

Albert Pujols: .357, .327, .312, .299. His batting averages the last four years, in order.  See a trend? Sure, he’s the best hitter of the last ten years, and a surefire Hall of Famer.  But doesn’t that trend disturb you a little? Especially at the money he is gonna get? Maybe he hovers around .300, or even .320 for a few seasons, and he’s a lock for 35+ home runs for another half decade, but do you want to be the team that has him 6 years from now with three more remaining at 25 million+ per? I don’t. My guess, St. Louis. You don’t win the World Series and then let the biggest baseball icon your city has had since Stan Musial walk. You don’t. You can’t.

CJ Wilson: If he stays in Texas, I disown this part of this smear. But someone with deeper pockets is going to overpay, and he’ll crumble under the pressure. He still should have pitched the bottom of the tenth in Game 6, and that might have changed everything… But someone is going to pay big, and only the big teams can pay really big, and they’re going to get bitten really big. Shaun says Yanks, I say the other big team in the AL East. Someone has to take John Lackey’s place in the rotation, right? Ow. OW! Stop hitting me, Shaun!

Yu Darvish: Is he good? Oh, you betcha. Is he as good as advertised? Good question. Is someone going to overpay for him? Without a doubt. Even though he has better “stuff,” expect numbers like Hiroki Kuroda except with better run support leading to a few more wins. This would be excellent if he was making Kuroda money. But he’ll be making Cliff Lee money so the expectations will be higher. My guess, Atlanta? Why? I don’t know, but it’s getting late and I found my gin and tonic.

Jeff Francis: Someone is going to see the double digit win campaigns he put together for Colorado a while back, and wistfully imagine he is still that guy. Has incredible command, but when you throw nothing but strikes with tepid stuff, you get smoked. My guess, he re-ups in KC after not finding any bigger money takers.

Derek Lee: Pittsburgh got him for a playoff chase, which they were surprisingly in the thick of at the All Star break. How did he respond? With his best right-handed Roy Hobbs impersonation, of course. And he did it with enough aplomb that someone is going to forget how positively mediocre he’s been since a collision with Hee Seop Choi (speaking of which, whatever happened to that guy!!!) pulverized his wrist. My guess, San Diego. Anthony Rizzo, who happens to be the TRUTH, just isn’t quite ready yet.

Jonathan Papelbon: Great heater, albeit without much movement, and an overrated splitter have garnered him some success, though never convincingly enough for me to rate him among baseball’s best closers. A couple of rings put up an erstwhile argument to me, but ask any die-hard Sox fan if they wouldn’t rather have someone less flashy yet equally or more effective closing for them… say, your average Brian Wilson type… or Jose Valverde… Huston Street, anyone? Look, every closer takes one on the chin from time to time, sometimes epically, but I can’t remember anyone not named Francisco Rodriguez who has given fans as many heart attacks as Pap has since the days of Mitch Williams. My guess, the Red Sox pony up and regret it. I can’t blame them though. As awesome as Daniel Bard’s arsenal of stuff is, he suffers from something… lack of focus perhaps, that makes him a dodgey ninth inning proposition.

Non-baseball random blurt:

Fantasy football pickup of the week, Rams defense. I know, I know, homer. Still, playing against the hapless Cardinals with their rickety offensive line, I’m saying 15 or more points. Buy me a beer after my prediction wins you your week. Cheers.

Albert Pujols – Cubs – Theo will make the splash by signing Albert.  This signing will secure Theo’s job for a decade regardless of results on the field.

Cardinals Manager – Ryne Sandberg – What better way to give the finger to the rival cubs, especially with them going after your biggest free agent of this generation, than hiring their fan favorite as your new manager?  Theo has already told Sandberg he is not a candidate to be the Cubs manager, so he will take the job as Cards manager instead.

Jaime Moyer – Red Sox – The only active player older than Tim Wakefield, the Red Sox clearly need some help in the rotation, and he can introduce prune juice as the new clubhouse beverage of choice.

Prince Fielder – Nationals – The Nats gave a huge contract to Jason Werth last season; they will give another huge contract to Prince this season.  I have been on record for a few years saying the Nationals will win the World Series in 2013.  This will allow a starting lineup of Mike Morse, Jason Werth, and Bryce Harper in the outfield.  Prince Fielder, Ryan Zimmerman, Ian Desmond, Danny Espinosa in the infield and Jesus Flores behind the dish.  Add Strasburg and Zimmerman as a solid one-two at the top of a rotation, and this team is just a year away.

C.J. Wilson – Yankees – C.J. is the best available pitcher on the market, he just pitched in the World Series, and he has a knack for beating the Yankees.  AKA, the perfect formula to get grossly overpaid by the Yankees.

Aramis Ramirez – When is the last time the Angels had a true third baseman?  Troy Glaus a decade ago.  The Angels will finally sign somebody that won’t add to the 136 current outfielders they have.

Jonathon Papelbon – Phillies – Ryan Madson is not a top end closer; the Red Sox won’t break the bank to bring back Pap.  The Phillies have the best rotation in baseball with one of the worst back ends of the bullpen in baseball.  Papelbon will help fix that.

Carlos Beltran – Red Sox – J.D. Drew is finally gone, Kalish and Nava just are not the bats that will keep pace with the Yankees.  Carlos Beltran is a perfect fit in right field for the Red Sox.  He can bat 7^th, just play an average right field, and have no pressure to carry a team.  In that lineup with that much protection, he has the chance of hitting like he did way back when he played for Kansas City.

Dodgers Ownership – Steve Garvey Group – Mark Cuban would be the best move for the Dodgers, but Bud Selig clearly won’t allow it.  So, the group Steve Garvey is getting together will likely win.  Selig sees what has happened with the Texas Rangers with Nolan Ryan, and will try to follow the same model with Steve Garvey.  Had it been Mark Cuban, I would add a big signing for the Dodgers, but with Garvey, I think it will take a year or two to get the Dodgers back on the right track.

Jose Reyes – Brewers – Jose Reyes will create a fascinating double play duo with Ricky Weeks.  Reyes/Weeks/Braun would be one of the best top of the orders in baseball.  The Brewers have a solid pitching staff, and just need to add a little more power to the team and they will be a contender again next year.

Roy Oswalt – Reds – The Reds are good enough to compete in the Central, but they need more pitching.  Oswalt is a good veteran presence stopper as a third starter.  He could be a huge value to the Reds if they sign him to a one year deal with a second year club option.

Jonathon Broxton – Rangers – What better place for a big, corn fed, mid-Western guy like Broxton to go than the Rangers.  He is the fat, inconsistent, closing version of Nolan Ryan.  This will allow Neftali Feliz to move into the rotation, taking C.J. Wilson’s spot, and Broxton will get the chance to blow a save in game 7 of the World Series next year, making the Rangers this generation’s version of the Buffalo Bills.

Francisco Rodriguez – Angels – He will return to the place that started it all.  Angel fans still remember the great numbers he put up while in Anaheim, and it is the perfect place for K-Rod to get back to his premier closing form.

 Rick Ankiel – Cubs – Why?  Simple, just another chance to piss off Don for not trading me Chris Johnson in our fantasy football league.

Cubs Manager – Bill Buckner – While Theo has announced he wants a manager with big league coaching experience; Buckner will be able to change his mind.  Buckner will be the best symbolization of Theo not fearing any curses, and bring in a former Cub player.  Buckner will only manage for a year or two before being fired for Terry Francona who will have spent the previous two years being a studio analyst for Fox.

I should just leave this as a blank post since I am officially speechless, but that’s not smear style. I’m biased as a Dodger fan, so Game 1 of the 88 series always holds a special place in my heart. But let’s get real. Tonight’s Game 6 is unparalleled in history. Let’s get started with the observations, in order from most pertinent (since I’m enjoying some “cough” beverages and goodness only knows how far deep I’ll be in a few minutes) to possibly just random.

1. Both teams have serious bullpen issues. Blown saves happen, even in a World Series. Just ask the greatest closer ever to play, Mariano Rivera. But we’re talking about teams sporting Jason Motte and Neftal Feliz as their closers. Who knows about Motte, he’s never closed before this season, at least at the major league level. And Feliz, despite devastating stuff, has never been convincing. Even the heralded Mike Adams and Alexi Ogando have been iffy. And Scott Feldman, well, glittering post-season numbers before tonight aside, is middling. You have to wonder if Ron Washington was considering bringing in CJ Wilson on one day rest to pitch the bottom of the tenth.  And if he wasn’t, why the hell wasn’t he? And the Red Birds’ reliance on rookie Lance Lynn has to make you wonder as well. Game 7 should be another shootout.

2. If the Cards win Game 7, David Freese has to be the MVP, right? Right? There may be guys with better numbers this World Series, but if not for him, the streets of Arlington would be in a frenzy right now. On a team with Albert Pujols, Matt Holliday, comeback player of the year, Lance Berkman and… well, those three anyway, it’s Freese who is the hero.

3. Somewhere, the Phillies and Yankees are sobbing… in unison.

4. Both teams have serious bullpen issues. Did I already say that? Will the cards consider Skip Schumaker in an emergency? He hit 92 on the gun in a blowout loss to the Dodgers this seaon in mop up duty. Were the Rangers so desperate that they had to use Derek Holland in relief, he of the Game 4 shutout gem, rather than save him for Game 7 if necessary.  Now it’s Matt Harrison. Maybe.

5. Where’s the defense? 5 errors combined tonight? And it could have been 7 or 8 if mental errors or simply poor play counted. What kind of awful throw did Elvis Andrus make to first on Descalso’s grounder with the game on the line, rather than take the easy force at second? And Freese, before his heroics, how does he drop that popup?

6. Both teams have serious… ok, let’s just say pitching in general… issues. Matt Harrison and Jaime Garcia. If anyone bet before the season that those two would be pitching the most important game of the year, they are now rich.

7. Somewhere, Cliff Lee is sobbing.

8. I play competitive billiards in a league, and some would tell you I am quite good. I blame the Cardinals and Rangers for my loss in league play tonight. How on Earth was I supposed to concentrate on pool?  Really, someone tell me, how on Earth?

Anyway, now for some purely random, gin and tonic-induced thoughts.

The New Orleans Saints massacred the hapless Colts 62-7 last weekend. How badly will they destroy the Rams this Sunday. 89-3? 116-0??? I’m taking the over, regardless of the line, and I’m counting on only the Saints to score. Seriously, I could play defensive back for the Rams and be an improvement over who they trot out there now.

Did you see Game 6 tonight? Wow.

Jonathan Quick is human. He finally gave up a few goals after nearly 3.5 hours of nothing. Without Drew Dought, arguably the Kings’ best defenseman. Subnote to this, Slava Voynov might be as good as Doughty. Remember that name.

17 goals tonight in the Jets Flyers game. In hockey, that’s unheard of. Incidentally, 17 is approximately how many times I yelled, “What the !@#$???” at the tv during Game 6 tonight.

The Rangers and Cardinals have serious bullpen issues.

My roommate is playing World of Warcraft right now, and I’m strangely feeling compelled to fashion a sword out of the loaf of bread on my table, ride my cat into his room and smash my breadsword on his keyboard. No real reason, it just sounds like fun.

We promised you an EPL podcast two months ago, and darn it, we are going to make it happen.

And now that I have updated my iPhone with IOS 5, all my apps are gone. Time to go try to restore them. Good night and I hope you’ve enjoyed our latest smear.

I will begin this rant with a bit of a disclaimer. I have no problems with Tim Tebow as a person, despite many of the things he believes in differs greatly from my own views. He is an excellent competitor and certainly has an incredible work ethic. That said, ENOUGH ALREADY. A few weeks ago I called out the Dolphins for planning a celebration of the 2008 Florida Gators National Championship team. Gainesville is a 5 ½ hour drive from Miami, Miami already has a university that is a rival of the Gators, and Tim Tebow was going to be on the team playing the Dolphins. Then it comes out that Tebow will get his first start in that game. All of a sudden the game in Miami became a home game for the Denver Broncos. Then the game starts, and Tebow looks terrible. Team passing yards take sacks into consideration, and halfway through the fourth quarter the Broncos had -2 team passing yards. Then the Broncos start making some plays. They get a touchdown, successful onside kick, Tebow drives down for another touchdown, punches in the two point conversion, the Broncos win in overtime, and Tebow is celebrated. Did anyone pay attention to what had to happen for the Broncos to make the comeback? The defense had to make a stop, but the Dolphins are awful, so that was easy. Then Demaryius Thomas made a couple of excellent plays to get to balls and break tackles. Then they get possession off an onside kick that was simply booted by the Dolphins. On the ensuing drive the announcers drove me absolutely nuts. Tebow completes a pass to a diving tight end. The announcers actually ask where those great throws were all game while showing the replay over and over. If you watch that pass you will realize punts have better spirals than his pass. The ball came out of his hand end over end. I have seen 5 year olds throw the ball better. Another ugly pass and great play by the tight end gets them into the end zone and Miami inexplicably leaves no middle linebackers in on the two point conversion allowing the most obvious QB draw of all time to be successful. Denver then gets the ball in great field position, Tebow can’t move the ball and Prater connects on a long field goal. The Broncos won the game despite Tebow, not thanks to him. If I am a Bronco fan I am pissed at Tebow today because his luck cost them a shot at Luck.

10) Roger Craig – No not the running back, but the former New York Mets Pitcher and San Francisco Giants manager.  In the early ‘90’s, while managing the Giants, he showed up on the bench with a bandaged hand due to a deep cut he had suffered the night before.  What is the big deal about a guy cutting his hand?  How about the fact he cut it while attempting to unstrap a woman’s bra?  I can guarantee a pillow with a bra strapped to it was placed in his office in the coming days for him to practice on.

9) Ken Griffey Jr. – This is one I can actually relate to.  I pitched when I was in high school.  One day, as I go through my leg kick in my pitching motion, I feel an incredible pain.  It was one of my testicles popping out of my cup and getting pinched as I followed through.  I sucked it up, held back the tears, finished the inning, removed the cup and never wore one again.  Well…Ken Griffey Jr. managed to pinch his testicles in his cup so bad he actually had to take a few games off.

8) Ron Russell – If you haven’t played disk golf, you are missing out.  A nice Saturday afternoon, out at a park, a case of beer, chucking things at a pole with chains dangling from it.  It really is surprisingly enjoyable.  That said, you are not pulling any ladies at the bar for being a professional disk golfer, especially if you are Ron Russell.  At a PDGA (Professional Disk Golf Association) event in 2000, Ron was on the 5^th hole in the rough.  He took a mighty swing, and his hand slams straight into a tree…breaking his hand.

7) Chris Coghlan – Quite possibly the best headline I have seen was one day I go to yahoo.com and see the title of a story “Marlin’s Coghlan tears knee in cream pie attack”.  At first I was afraid Coghlan had taken Roger Craig’s injury to the next level, but then I cautiously viewed the video, it was just him trying to shove a shaving cream pie in the face of a teammate after a game winning hit.  Coghlan slipped, tore his meniscus, and missed the rest of the season.

6) John Smoltz – Do you ever put on a shirt, look down and realize it has a wrinkled crease right across the front of it?  You probably take it off and iron it, throw it in the dryer, or (I assume if you are a reader of ours) just say screw it and wear it anyway.  Not John Smoltz.  He reportedly had to miss a start after trying to iron his shirt…while wearing it.  As you can guess, he burnt himself pretty bad.  Now, there have been reports since that it was not an iron, but rather a steamer…but is that really any better?

5) Plaxico Burress – You know the story.  Plax is a NFL star, so it is apparently acceptable to show up to a club wearing sweatpants, but it takes a really dumb NFL star to have a handgun tucked into said sweatpants.  It takes someone truly special to proceed to somehow click the gun off safety and pull the trigger, shooting himself in the leg.  I guess he should just be happy the bullet made it to his leg and not somewhere else.

4) Gus Frerotte – You have all seen the classic video.  Frerotte scrambles in a 1997 game, scores a touchdown, and instead of doing a pre-choreographed touchdown dance, he runs head first into the wall.  At first it just looked like a comically dumb move, but then the second half of the game comes around and he is not in the game.  Turns out the guy gave himself a concussion.

3) Bill Gramatica – You remember the Gramatica’s.  Kick a 23 yard field goal in the first quarter and jump up and down celebrating like they just won a big game.  Then, against the Giants in 2001, what we had all been hoping for finally happened.  Granted it wasn’t Lawrence Taylor sprinting out of the stands and drilling him to make the insane celebration end, it was Bill Gramatica himself.  On his second or third leap for joy, his ACL blew, proving yet again that kickers are not worthy of being called football players.

2) Paulo Diogo – Sometimes you see a kicker wearing his wedding band, you always see guys wearing their flashy diamond studs, and you see baseball players wearing a cross around their necks.  But never has wearing a piece of jewelry caused a person so much pain as Paulo Diogo in 2004.  After scoring a goal in a Swiss Super League match, he jumped up on the metal fencing separating the field from the stands.  When he jumped off, his wedding band got caught on the fence.  The fence won taking the ring and most of his finger with it.  Diogo appealed to the official asking he stall the game so he could go back and find his finger and ring.  The official showed Diogo no sympathy and actually booked him with a yellow card for excessive celebration.  After the game, the hospital informed him they could not re-attach the finger and recommended amputation.

1) Slobodan Jankovic – I thought the Gus Frerotte injury after head-butting a wall was bad until I did some research for this Smear and read the story of Serbian basketball player Slobodan Jankovic in a Greek basketball playoff game.  He fouled out of an important playoff game, and as you may expect, he was not very happy about the scenario.  In his frustration, he decided to head-butt a concrete post in the arena, immediately dropping him to the floor.  He hit his head hard enough that his survival was of concern to the medical personnel.  He survived the self-inflicted head-butt, but permanently damaged his spinal cord and has been paralyzed waist down ever since.

Jim Harbaugh – Act like you have been there before.  This isn’t Stanford going to USC and getting a win which can have a huge improvement in recruiting.  This is mid-October in the NFL.  Yes, it sends you to 5-1, but you still have 10 games left.  Don’t jump around like a Gramatica who just kicked a field goal.  Jog across the field, shake the hand of the opposing head coach whose team just gave you all your team could handle, and congratulate him on his team playing a great game.  You won a week 6 game, don’t act like it was a playoff game.

 

Lance Kendricks – I am tired of the apologetic announcers.  During Sunday’s game, the announcers said something along the lines of, “The Rams have streamlined the responsibilities of Kendricks which should help him given there was no off –season workouts.  Now he doesn’t have to think so much and can just go out and play.”  If his issues were simply running the wrong routes and missing blocking assignments, fine, but he dropped what I believe was his 643^rd pass this season.  How about simply call it what it is, a guy who just isn’t ready to play in the NFL.

 

Field Goal Nets – Not really sure what to call those things that go up behind the goal posts during a field goal or extra point, but I am tired of watching two guys pulling on ropes and having the net go up crooked.  I am not a fan of people losing their jobs, but really?  You have four guys whose jobs are to pull the net up?  With all the technologies we have added to football, nobody has created a way to motorize the net?  Seriously, just add two small motors in the bottom of the wall and have it pull up at the push of a button.  Let’s bring the kicking game into the 21^st century.

 

Tony Romo – Granted I am a Romo apologist, but can we please stop with the “Romo is amazing, Romo is terrible” flip flop from week to week.  Romo is a top 10-15 QB in the NFL.  He is not a top 5, never will be.  He can make plays most other quarterbacks can’t, but does give away plays many other quarterbacks know better than to even try.  Can the team win a championship with Romo?  Yes.  Will they?  Time will tell.  The guy throws interceptions at the worst times, but the offense has incredible weapons and their front seven on defense are second to none.  If the team improves in the secondary and Romo strings together a few of his good games, they have a shot.  But regardless of all that, he isn’t and never claimed to be the best QB in the NFL, so why is there a special every week on NFL network and ESPN saying they are disappointed because he isn’t playing like a hall of famer?

 

Defense – I get the NFL is trying to protect the players, but could we stop will all the roughing the passer and defenseless receiver calls?  Brian Orakpo hit Vick, side of helmet to the side of Vick’s shoulder pad in the endzone, and a penalty was called.  This was at a point in the game that the Redskins were gaining momentum and you could feel the game starting to swing.  The Eagles get to move out of the shadow of their own endzone, get a fresh set of downs, and are able to put together a long scoring drive that was clearly not going to happen before the penalty.  Defense is awful this year, and you can chalk it up to the fact that defenses are essentially no longer allowed to tackle a guy.

Cam Newton – Yes, he had two 400 yard games to start the season and every time you look up, he seems to be doing something special, but he is already the most overrated quarterback in the NFL.  He has a 58% completion percentage, 7 touchdowns, 9 interceptions, and a 1-5 record.  Granted, he has run for quite a few touchdowns, but how long do you expect a QB acting as the goal line back to last?  You want to see a true talent as a rookie QB?  Look at Andy Dalton.  His completion percentage is just slightly higher at 62%, but has more touchdowns than interceptions.  Also, he has taken a far less talented offense to a 4-2 record.  Cam is getting all the hype because he played in the SEC, was the first overall pick, and is always smiling.  Andy Dalton just goes out, plays the position, and wins football games.

Anyone who listens to me, and there aren’t many, but the few who do know how much I hate college football.  The reasons are plenty. The BCS, stupid conferencing, corruption, idiotic illegal benefits rules when it comes to players, and three glasses of wine ago I would have come up with a few more. But today, my vindication was finalized.

Those of you who watch and pay attention to college football may already know, but for those of you who don’t, the NCAA instituted a anti-showboating rule that can wipe a touchdown off of the board if the player scoring is judged to have taunted the opposing team to an egregious extent. Now, I think showboating is one of the stupidest things an athlete can do. Especially in the pros when little further proof is needed beyond the limited command of standard grammar many players exhibit, that most of these fools had people pay cheerleaders or whomever to do their homework. Then again, I cheer for these same fools if they play for my teams… Anyway, I digress. For a rule to be instituted that wipes a score away that was legally accomplished is ridiculous.

Fast forward to today, LSU punter Brad Wing scored on a lengthy run on a brilliantly executed fake punt. As he was approaching the endzone, he briefly extended his arms in a “how do you like them apples,” gesture. Sure enough, THIS was the sort of taunting the rule was intented to stop, right? To make matters even stupider, the gesture did not appear to be directed at any particular player on Florida, and lasted all of a second, if that.  But sure enough, the refs (who probably had money on Florida… and if they did, last laugh is on you, zebras.) decided that it warranted a TD-erasing flag. 

So, Brad Wing, a redshirt freshman punter from Australia loses a touchdown, very likely the greatest moment of his sporting life, due to one of the stupidest rules ever invented.  To repeat, the touchdown was scored legally, without any kind of illegal blocks or any other kind of infraction. If the rule had been a fifteen yard penalty assessed on the ensuing kick off, it would still have been a lousy call, but at least a kid with a dream wouldn’t have had his touchdown ripped away from him.  Congrats, NCAA, you have clinched any argument I have with anyone in the future about college football and why it sucks in my favor. If only you could do the same for me when I argue that NASCAR and poker are not sports. (Disclaimer: I have the utmost respect for professional racecar drivers and poker players.  Both require skill, discipline, patience, and a variety of other things I don’t possess.  But they’re not sports.)

Things That Make Me Happy:

Unapologetic UFC fan here.  Also, unapologetic Melvin Guillard hater. So you can imagine my glee when he was choked out in less than a minute by Joe Lauzon after promising to win by dramatic knockout. People might think that it’s a barbaric sport, but many of these guys are smart, kind, and family-oriented people when they are not in the Octagon.  They respect their craft, their opponents, and attempting to speak the English language properly. Guillard is not one of these men. (Disclaimer number 2: Guillard may very well be a family man, and a good one. I don’t know. I just find him brash and offensive, and wish I had the fighting prowess to beat his ass myself. Alas, I don’t.) So imagine my joy when he was dispatched in short order by veteran Joe Lauzon (who can count legend Jens Pulver among his conquests) who does all the things, including respecting the craft and his opponents, you look for in a person or team you would give your support to. 

The Yankees are out of the MLB playoffs.  My smear partner, Shaun is probably happier than I am about this but he is a Red Sox fan so you’ll have to take that with a grain of salt.  But really, why would anyone cheer for the Yankees, apart from those who grew up in New York or maybe has a dad that brainwashed them? Would you cheer for Brad Pitt to get the girl? Enough said.

Death:

Death is never a happy thing. Not including serial killers, rapists, and other like degenerates who deserve whatever firing squad or poison in their veins they get, nobody’s death is a reason for celebration.  Not even Al Davis.  So, despite being a giant asshole among other undesirable traits, he still had a family who loved him… I’m sure some of them did anyway. So RIP, Al. Hopefully now the Raiders can emerge from decades of your ineptitude as owner and resume their place as one of the NFL’s flagship franchises. (Disclaimer number 3. Not a Raiders fan.  Never have been. Never will be. But you can’t deny the gravitas of the franchise. The NFL needs the Raiders. Simple as that.)

Speaking of death, RIP Steve Jobs. I’m sure he was a fan of some sport, so deserves mention here for his entrepreneurial genius, but more for his charitiable work and philanthropy.

Personal Bitching Section:

I have teams in four fantasy football leagues this season. I should practically be guaranteed to win three of these leagues. I am, after all, a fantasy football genius. The fourth team, well, I admittedly drafted poorly and should be pretty much doomed. So how is it that my three teams that are guaranteed to win are going to end up in a struggle to reach fantasy playoffs, and the fourth which I completely screwed up is looking like a champ? I don’t know.  But I am sitting here with an empty wine glass, and need to fix that. Good night, and good luck. (Disclaimer number 4: Is Edward R. Murrow still alive? If not, I’m usurping that quote.)

John Mayberry Jr. – Mayberry, a bench player for the Philladelphia Phillies saw something he liked in an actress in the movie Just Go With It, Antionette Nikprelaj.  So, he did what any guy would do, called his agent and told him to get him in touch with her.  His agent did send an email to her agent and started the email with “I hate to be sending you this email and am quite embarrassed to say the least”, then informed her agent that Mayberry would like to invite her to a baseball game and described Mayberry as “a great guy, down-to-earth, humble, Stanford-educated, etc”.  One thing Mayberry didn’t check first was to see if Antionette was already married, which she is.  Hunter Pence responded on Twitter staying something along the lines of “would anyone like to go on a date with my boy John Mayberry? He is Stanford-educated”.

Kelvin Goliday – Head football coach at Garfield High School in the Seattle area made news last week.  In the third quarter, Goliday was not fond of a call, pulled his team off the field and did ordered them to remain on the sidelines.  As a result, Goliday was ejected and the team had to forfeit.

Faulkner University – Alan Moore was named the kicker for Faulkner University, a small christian university in Alabama.  What makes this a story?  Moore is a 61 year old Vietnam war veteran.

Miami Dolphins – On October 23rd, the Miami Dolphins will honor the 2008 National Champion Florida Gators football team.  This is strange enough given that the Florida Gators are a rival of the hometown Miami Hurricanes, but even worse, the Dolphins will be playing the Denver Broncos on October 23rd.  So yes, the Dolphins will be honoring their opponents 3rd string quarterback.  Nothing screams team pride like putting your rival and opponent up on a pedestal.

Paul Hamm – The former olympian and now former Ohio State gymnastics coach was recently arrested.  Hamm took a taxi home after a night out, fell asleep on the way home, and when the cab driver woke him up at his destination, Hamm refused to pay the $23 fare.  According to the cab driver, Hamm elbowed, punched, and kicked him.  When the police arrived, they struggled to get him under control.  In a video released by the police you can hear Hamm say “All the sudden, looking at my wallet and I’m looking at a situation, I don’t have my ID” to which the officer simply responded, “That’s cause I have it man, You gave it to me less than 5 minutes ago”.  During the struggle with the to get Hamm under control you can also hear him yell out, “You guys are so funny.  You guys have no idea.  I’m going to kill you guys.” 

New England Patriots – In a press conference the other day, Tom Brady told fans to “start drinking early, get lubed up and root on the team.”  A refreshing moment of candidness from an otherwise scripted guy.  Then the Patriots turned a comical comment into the worst PR spin of all time.  The Patriots released a statement saying brady actually meant stay hydrated, drink lot’s of water, and drink responsibly.  Um, yeah, sure.

If you were watching the Dodger game tonight, and my guess is that since they suck, you weren’t, you’ll have witnessed a prime example of what plagues officiating in all major sports; an inability by the official to exercise common sense.

In yesterday’s game, the Diamondbacks’ Gerardo Parra postured and showboated after homering off of Hong Chi Kuo, several pitches after a fastball from Kuo went high and tight on Parra as he squared to bunt. Clayton Kershaw, tonight’s starting pitcher, was shown on television yelling at Parra as he showboated, “You’ll find out! You’ll find out!” One would assume that he was letting Parra know that he could expect a little chin music next game, if not a shiny new baseball sized tattoo somewhere around his ribcage.

Fast forward to tonight’s game, Parra is leading off the sixth inning for the D Backs and on an oh and one count, Kershaw throws an inside fastball that hit Parra on the elbow. Home plate umpire, Bill Welke immediately gave Kershaw the heave ho. Now, one might understand the ejection given the events of the previous game… except that there are several facts that Welke, who is by all accounts a decent umpire, ignored. Kershaw is working on a one hit shutout and in a hot competition with Arizona’s Ian Kennedy for the NL Cy Young award, Parra made only a cursory attempt to get out of the way, and Kershaw, who has excellent command, would not have gone for Parra’s elbow if he was out for retribution.  He would have gone right for the rib cage, where you can cause maximum pain with minimum risk of causing serious injury. Why should Welke have known this? Because, as a veteran umpire anyone would know, there is an art to drilling an opposing hitter intentionally. 

How to do it:  In the 2008 NLCS between the Phillies and Dodgers, Brett Myers was obviously headhunting. He nailed Manny Ramirez, who don’t forget hit .357 with 17 home runs for the Dodgers during the stretch run, and nearly nailed several other hitters including Andre Ethier with fastballs near the head. The next game, after Cole Hamels went high and tight on a couple of Dodger batters (though giving him the benefit of the doubt, there was very little if any ill intent by the Phillies’ southpaw on those plays) Hiroki Kuroda sacked up and whipped a 93 mph fastball about three feet over the head of Shane Victorino. The intent was clear. Stop hitting my guys. Sure, it probably would have been more appropriate to smoke Victorino in the backside, but Kuroda sent the message without allowing a baserunner… and more importantly, without seriously hurting anyone.

How not to do it: Earlier this year, the Angels’ ace Jered Weaver allowed a decisive home run to the Tigers’ Carlos Guillen, who uncharacteristically (Guillen has always been considered a classy dude) taunted Weaver as he jogged up the first baseline. A visibly irritated Weaver launched his next pitch, a 90+ fastball, at Tigers’ catcher Alex Avila’s head. Avila was lucky to avoid getting smoked in the earhole. Weaver was duly tossed from the game, and for good reason.  Weaver risked causing grave injury to Avila, who had absolutely nothing to do with what angered Weaver to begin with. The proper way to handle this would have been for Weaver, the next time he faced Guillen, to nail him in the butt or ribs… or better yet in this blogger’s opinion, fan him and show him back to the dugout with a decisive point.

You’re just an idiot if: Remember a decade ago or so, when Mike Piazza hit a comebacker against Roger Clemens, breaking his bat in the process, and Clemens picked up the business end of the broken bat and winged at Piazza as the big catcher jogged toward first? And to make matters worse, claimed after the game that he was confused, in the heat of the moment, and thought it was the ball? Well, moron, if it had been the ball, wouldn’t you have lobbed it to Tino Martinez at first base for the out? Anyway, fast forward to the following season, the Mets were playing the Yanks in Interleague play and, lo and behold, at Shea Stadium, Clemens had to bat.  The idiot the Mets had pitching (as always, beer is more) took two shots at Clemens. Both went behind Clemens’ legs. Understandably, he was tossed after the second attempt, presumably as much for the fact that he missed so horribly on both his retribution attempts that the ump wanted to put him out of his misery.

If you’re an umpire: In ice hockey, players are allowed to police their own transgressions with fighting, so long as the sticks and cheap shots from behind don’t get involved, with the penalty being a mere five minutes in the sin bin. In baseball, you should be allowed to make a statement when rules of etiquette have been breached. One statement that doesn’t endanger someone’s career or life. Even if Kershaw’s pitch that hit Parra’s elbow had been intentional, which is debatable at best, Welke had no business ejecting him. After all, there are rules.

Let’s start with something that isn’t an over-reaction…the ceremonies honoring this 10th anniversary of America’s darkest, but most inspiring day, was certainly something to behold.  Lady Antebellum’s national anthem was about the best I have seen since Whitney Houston at the Super Bowl several years back.  We honor all our armed forces and all who so abruptly perished that faithful day ten years ago.

That being said, time to get back to what The Stain is known for and what we do best, making light, making fun, and over-reacting to sports.  Here are my over-reactions to week 1:

Ndamukong Suh – Anyone watch him today?  Pretty sure he is the first black man I have ever seen with a farmer’s tan.

Chargers – Opening kick-off goes for a touch down against you?  Apparently the coverage team wasn’t fixed this off-season.

Cam Newton – Send his bust to Canton, he is the greatest QB ever!!!

Arian Foster – Worst first round pick ever.

Rams – (In honor of Torsten) – Did you see the drops?  Clearly the worst draft ever.  Did you see the injuries? Good thing they had that fourth pre-season game, the third team might have to start week 2.

Colts – Finally the GM has been exposed for the terribleness that has been the way they have run the organization since drafting Peyton Manning.  Everyone is awful without Peyton…and with the neck surgery…time to suck for luck.

Pac-10 – Apparently Harbaugh really does have Pete Carrolls number.

Buffalo – Super Bowl…wait, have we ever won one of those?

Joe Flacco – What was that James Harrison? Not gonna win a Super Bowl?  Suck it!!! (remember the title of this article…over-reactions)

Matty Ice – More like Matty “Christ, another loss in a big game?”

Bengals-Browns – Seriously, who cares?

Fat F*ck Mike Tolbert – If it wasn’t for the Thursday game, I would swear he ate Darren Sproles and stole his nose for the end zone.

Donovan McNabb – I don’t care what the critics say, his 39 huge passing yards prove he is back and will make the Viking forget about the crooked gun slinger, Brett Favre.

Still have two Monday night games and a god amount of the Sunday night game to go, but I believe I have over-reacted enough.