Albert Pujols – Cubs – Theo will make the splash by signing Albert. This signing will secure Theo’s job for a decade regardless of results on the field.
Cardinals Manager – Ryne Sandberg – What better way to give the finger to the rival cubs, especially with them going after your biggest free agent of this generation, than hiring their fan favorite as your new manager? Theo has already told Sandberg he is not a candidate to be the Cubs manager, so he will take the job as Cards manager instead.
Jaime Moyer – Red Sox – The only active player older than Tim Wakefield, the Red Sox clearly need some help in the rotation, and he can introduce prune juice as the new clubhouse beverage of choice.
Prince Fielder – Nationals – The Nats gave a huge contract to Jason Werth last season; they will give another huge contract to Prince this season. I have been on record for a few years saying the Nationals will win the World Series in 2013. This will allow a starting lineup of Mike Morse, Jason Werth, and Bryce Harper in the outfield. Prince Fielder, Ryan Zimmerman, Ian Desmond, Danny Espinosa in the infield and Jesus Flores behind the dish. Add Strasburg and Zimmerman as a solid one-two at the top of a rotation, and this team is just a year away.
C.J. Wilson – Yankees – C.J. is the best available pitcher on the market, he just pitched in the World Series, and he has a knack for beating the Yankees. AKA, the perfect formula to get grossly overpaid by the Yankees.
Aramis Ramirez – When is the last time the Angels had a true third baseman? Troy Glaus a decade ago. The Angels will finally sign somebody that won’t add to the 136 current outfielders they have.
Jonathon Papelbon – Phillies – Ryan Madson is not a top end closer; the Red Sox won’t break the bank to bring back Pap. The Phillies have the best rotation in baseball with one of the worst back ends of the bullpen in baseball. Papelbon will help fix that.
Carlos Beltran – Red Sox – J.D. Drew is finally gone, Kalish and Nava just are not the bats that will keep pace with the Yankees. Carlos Beltran is a perfect fit in right field for the Red Sox. He can bat 7th, just play an average right field, and have no pressure to carry a team. In that lineup with that much protection, he has the chance of hitting like he did way back when he played for Kansas City.
Dodgers Ownership – Steve Garvey Group – Mark Cuban would be the best move for the Dodgers, but Bud Selig clearly won’t allow it. So, the group Steve Garvey is getting together will likely win. Selig sees what has happened with the Texas Rangers with Nolan Ryan, and will try to follow the same model with Steve Garvey. Had it been Mark Cuban, I would add a big signing for the Dodgers, but with Garvey, I think it will take a year or two to get the Dodgers back on the right track.
Jose Reyes – Brewers – Jose Reyes will create a fascinating double play duo with Ricky Weeks. Reyes/Weeks/Braun would be one of the best top of the orders in baseball. The Brewers have a solid pitching staff, and just need to add a little more power to the team and they will be a contender again next year.
Roy Oswalt – Reds – The Reds are good enough to compete in the Central, but they need more pitching. Oswalt is a good veteran presence stopper as a third starter. He could be a huge value to the Reds if they sign him to a one year deal with a second year club option.
Jonathon Broxton – Rangers – What better place for a big, corn fed, mid-Western guy like Broxton to go than the Rangers. He is the fat, inconsistent, closing version of Nolan Ryan. This will allow Neftali Feliz to move into the rotation, taking C.J. Wilson’s spot, and Broxton will get the chance to blow a save in game 7 of the World Series next year, making the Rangers this generation’s version of the Buffalo Bills.
Francisco Rodriguez – Angels – He will return to the place that started it all. Angel fans still remember the great numbers he put up while in Anaheim, and it is the perfect place for K-Rod to get back to his premier closing form.
Rick Ankiel – Cubs – Why? Simple, just another chance to piss off Don for not trading me Chris Johnson in our fantasy football league.
Cubs Manager – Bill Buckner – While Theo has announced he wants a manager with big league coaching experience; Buckner will be able to change his mind. Buckner will be the best symbolization of Theo not fearing any curses, and bring in a former Cub player. Buckner will only manage for a year or two before being fired for Terry Francona who will have spent the previous two years being a studio analyst for Fox.