Torsten:

AL East: Red Sox

AL Central: Twins

AL West: Rangers

Wild Card: Angels

AL MVP: Joe Mauer

AL Cy Young: Brian Matusz

 

NL East: Phillies

NL Central: Reds

NL West: Giants (as he punches himself in the face for making this pick)

Wild Card: Atlanta

NL MVP: Andre Ethier

NL Cy Young: Ubaldo Jimenez

 

World Series: Twins over Phillies in 6

 

Shaun:

AL East: Red Sox

AL Central: Tigers

AL West: Rangers

Wild Card: A’s (yup, went against my original division preview)

AL MVP: Adrian Gonzalez

AL Cy Young: Jon Lester

 

NL East: Braves

NL Central: Reds

NL West: Rockies

Wild Card: Brewers

NL MVP: Jay Bruce

NL Cy Young: Tommy Hanson

 

World Series: Red Sox over Braves in 5

So normally, The Stain pays very little attention to tennis, seeing as it’s virtually impossible to drink beer and play effectively at the same time.  However, some pretty funny stuff happened at Indian Wells last week.  Xavier Malisse and his partner Alex Dolgopolov lost in the doubles final to super stud team Roger Federer and Stanislas Wawrinka.  You may be asking yourself, who? Everyone knows who Federer is but not Wawrinka.  Why?  Who cares, it’s tennis.  But anyway, Federer and Wawrinka are probably the best doubles team out there.  They rarely play doubles due to Federer’s overwhelming schedule of singles matches, but they are the defending Olympic gold medalists, and rarely lose when they play.  If anyone would have a chance to wrest the number one doubles ranking from Bob and Mike Bryan, it would be those guys. 

So the funny part is this. Evidently, Malisse and Dolgopolov were hitting some balls back and forth a couple of hours before the deadline to enter the doubles tournament and a version of the following paraphrased conversation happened.

Malisse: “Hey, wanna play doubles?”

Dolgopolov: “With who?  We’re the only ones out here.”

Malisse: “I meant in the tournament.”

Dolgopolov: “Oh. Sure, why not.”

Fast forward to the tournament, they went on a winning streak that included toppling the Bryan brothers on the way to the finals. That’s where the cinderella train came to an end, but only after a super tiebreak, which is a weird 10 point tiebreaker employed when… well, when nobody has won yet. They may not have won, but not bad for a couple guys who joined the tournament on a whim and HAD NEVER COMPETED AS A TEAM BEFORE.

Closing Thought:  I’m going to go out on a limb and venture to say that nobody in the entire country has a perfect March Madness bracket anymore.  Either Butler or Virginia Commonwealth are going to be in the finals and anyone who says they called that one is a liar. 

Other Closing Thought: Why not close with a blatant homer moment. There can’t be a team God hates more than the Los Angeles Kings. I guess he wasn’t paying attention to their excellent play of late, but decided to address it with catastrophic injuries to their two best players, Anze Kopitar and Justin Williams, within a 6 day period.  F. M. L.

When listening to an ESPN podcast, a question came up about which fictional baseball character the guys would take in a fantasy draft.  That then spawned us at The Stain to hold our own fictional fantasy draft.  There were three of us, and you might be surprised by who doesn’t get drafted.

 

Torsten:

P) Kenny Powers – Round 3

P) Sidd Finch – Round 6

P) Sam Malone – Round 8

P) Ed Harris – Round 10

IF) Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez – Round 2

IF) Clue Haywood – Round 5

OF) Roy Hobbs – Round 1

OF) Juan Primo- Round 7

C) Jack Parkman- Round 4

Utility) Jimmy Duggan- Round 9

Utility) Taka “Kamakaze” Tanaka- Round 11

Brandi:

P) Billy Chapel- Round 1

P) Ryan Dunne- Round 2

P) Miles Pennfield- Round 6

P) Eric Van Leemer- Round 11

IF) Miles Darlymple- Round 3

IF) Lou Collins- Round 5

OF) Scott Smalls- Round 4

OF) Bobby Rayburn- Round 8

C) Crash Davis- Round 7

Utility) G-Baby- Round 9

Utility) Billy Brubaker- Round 10

Shaun:

P) Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh- Round 1

P) Mel Clark- Round 4

P) Steve Nebraska- Round 7

P) Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn- Round 11

IF) Jack Elliot- Round 2

IF) Stan Ross- Round 6

OF) Willy Mays Hayes (Wesley Snipes Version)- Round 3

OF) Billy “Downtown” Anderson- Round 5

C) Jake Taylor- Round 8

Utility) Ed- Round 9

Utility) Kelly Leake- Round 10

 

Shaun’s take:  Usually Brandi is pretty legit when it comes to sports, but this draft she proved that her taste in baseball movies are truly that of a female.  I love For the Love of the Game and Summer Catch, and I have no problem admitting that, but Billy Chapel in the first round and practically the entire roster from Summer Catch…you got to be kidding me.  I got lucky with Wild Thing and Kelly Leake falling to me very late.  Add Mr. Baseball and Mr. 3000 and I have a solid infield.  Plus, I own every pitching category.  Now, one of my utility spots is a better real ballplayer than fantasy, but Ed owned the hot corner in the movie…Ed.  Torsten is sure he has the power numbers with Haywood and Parkman, but neither come through in the clutch, and his ace is Kenny Powers…weak.  Brandi certainly gets some steals and OBP help with G-Baby, mostly because applying a tag and finding the strikezone against a small 5 year old has got to be difficult.  To me, the biggest shock of the draft was the fact that nobody from Rookie of the Year made the list.  Chet Stedman and Henry Rowengardner are definitely better pitchers than the likes of Van Leemer, Sam Malone, and Ed Harris.

Torsten’s Take: I would like to start by saying, there is no way I’m not running away with the championship here. The Natural was, well, the natural pick at first overall.  Hell, the best that ever lived, right? I’ll admit that position scarcity played a role in Benny the Jet at number two, but overall, I cleaned up.  True, Parkman and Haywood each have a one movie history of failing in clutch situations… against a guy who throws triple digits!  Lest we forget, Harris went the first 8 in Major League 1, and to quote the great Harry Doyle (the incredibly awesome Bob Eucker), “That’ll do it for Harris, he has pitched a beauty.” Nuff said, not worried about my pitching. Shaun already astutely pointed out the flaws in Brandi’s draft so I need not say more.  However, I was a little miffed.  She didn’t take this very seriously, and if you can’t take a fantasy baseball draft involving only fictional characters seriously, well then I might not want to play with you.  So there.  On to Shaun’s team, the Wild Thing Vaughn, Jack Elliot, and Willie Mays Hayes were good value where he got them, as was Kelly Leake at the end, but I wouldn’t be criticising anyone else’s pitching with Nuke LaLoosh as my ace… Just sayin’.  If I had to be surprised that someone got snubbed, it would be a tie between Pedro Cerrano and Hank Bell. You just can’t leave power like that sitting around on the waiver wire. As far as pitching goes, Stedman’s arm went out and Rowengartner is just BEGGING for Tommy John surgery.  You can’t be 12, throw 113mph, and not get hurt.  Just ask Joel Zumaya. If you need some innings and possibly a win, Bill Wedman is still out there, but he does pitch for Seattle… and a 10 year old manager. 

We were throwing around idea of a fictional hockey draft too, but Brandi called dibs on everyone from Mystery Alaska, and you can’t make two competitive squads using Slap Shot and the Mighty Ducks octology, or however many they made.

We’re open to suggestions.

I love listening to podcasts about sports, and people often say they have trouble watching a game and truly enjoying it without thinking of their next article.  Now, I am in no way confusing myself with a real journalist, but I did get the same feeling this weekend.  While walking around the ballparks and watching the games, I kept seeing things that I wanted to reference here on The Stain…that was until Sunday.  Camelback Ranch is an absolutely incredible complex.  We pull up to park, pound a few beers, and start the decent hike to the stadium.  Usually the walk would be something to complain about, but not at Camelback.  On our right, there were two baseball games going on, both minor league Dodger games.  On the left, two more, those minor league White Sox games.  Separating the White Sox from the Dodgers, a fountain/pond, which I am pretty sure was 75% chlorine, but very cool none the less.  Then we reach the stadium, spread out the blanket on the grass, grabbed another beer and relaxed.  There are box seats at the stadium, and the structure is made to look like an old wood structure, but upon closer examination it is actually a steel frame.  But truly an excellent ballpark, wonderful grounds, and the best of all, despite the game technically being a White Sox home game…I was able to get a Dodger Dog.  The most difficult part of the trip was actually leaving, if you have never had the pleasure of doing a Spring Training weekend, do it.  The weather is always great, the ballgames are cheap, and you get to spend multiple days in a row watching baseball.  Now, in the Day 2 post, I mentioned the stupid Arizona drivers incapable of making U-Turns….I forgot California drivers are even more moronic.  Just before getting home, while driving in the carpool lane, a car was riding our ass before illegally exiting the carpool lane and passing us.  At this time I look over at the car and realize there is not a person in the passenger seat, but instead a friggin blow up doll.  Gotta love LA.

To rip off and butcher an old adage, those who can’t do, talk about it.  Few hate college basketball and March Madness as much as I do, but even I had to check out what happened at the end of the Butler Pitt game.  Ok, I admit it, I like a little drama, and that was intense.  What’s really stupid about it is the aftermath.  Mainly, the idiots who are out there saying stuff like, “How do you call those fouls at the end of a game?” Keep in mind, these are people who WRITE ABOUT SPORTS FOR A LIVING! Among the guilty are Sports Illustrated’s Will Carroll and Yahoo!’s Chris Chase. Carroll had the audacity to say they were the “two worst calls” he has ever seen.  Evidently, he has never seen an NFL game… and even if he were limiting his observation to basketball, he clearly hasn’t seen a single Heat Lakers game this season… not that he would have mentioned the Heat using Pau Gasol as a human crash test dummy. Now, Carroll isn’t generally a tool.  His words frequently, even if you disagree with them, have some merit.  One would have to guess he’s either a Pitt fan, or put some cheese on the over. Chase’s wax moronic was slightly less egregious, as he merely insinuated that the ref should have swallowed his whistle on the last play, allowing a tight, exciting game to go to overtime. I wonder if he would have insinuated a baseball umpire call a line drive on the chalk for a winning basehit a foul ball just to have a great game go to extra innings. Or have a ref call a great catch in the endzone for a winning touchdown so a stirring football game can go to OT. Or for a soccer ref to allow a clearly offside goal to stand just for an extra 30 minutes of Champions League action between two of the best teams in the world.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t credit With Leather’s Josh Zerkle for being the only one I know of who accurately observed what happened.  Paraphrased, he said it took grapefruits of steel for the ref crew of that game to make those calls in a frenzied environment.  Basically, they maintained the integrity of the game and it’s rules in the searing heat of a moment. Hats off to them. They didn’t forget that nowhere in any rule book does it say to forsake the written rule in the final minute of a game to facilitate an overtime period.

Speaking of people who really shouldn’t be allowed (yes, I’m aware it’s a free country, so I ask only this: if everything you say about a sporting event is going to be dumb or exaggeratedly homer, become a blogger, not a journalist/announcer. Granted, not much money in this gig.) to ever open their mouths on television, I watched the White Sox Dodgers spring training game today, which was attended by my fellow Stainer, Shaun. (Side note, I was trying to think of a good way to describe Shaun as my partner in this blog. Stainer was really the best I could come up with. Smear Buddy and Poo Partner were two suggestions that, for obvious reaons I had to decline… or pooh pooh, as it were.)

Anyhoo, the White Sox WGN announcer (I think it’s Ken Harrellson) has to be one of the most annoying play by play guys in history. His pretentious “be gone” every time someone on the other team strikes out, gets caught stealing or whatever is gag inducing. Add to that, he had the audacity to call the sovereign period of Bud Selig (who was a studio guest in the second inning of the telecast) the best of any commissioner in his 5 decades in baseball. Then, he proceeded to brownnose Selig in the most ridiculous, borderline insane way.  I’m sorry, did he forget that Selig turned a conscious blind eye to the steroid and other PED epidemic that left a, ahem, stain on the sport? For goodness’ sake, if Barry Bonds’ home run exploits come with an asterisk, so should Selig’s (debatable) praise for steadily growing attendance since a cataclysmic strike in 94 wiped out half a season and the World Series. I’m not a lawyer, but if you partake in an activity that leads to someone getting killed, you are an accessory to murder. How is Selig not an accessory to felony drug trafficking and distribution? In my opinion, that’s exactly what he is, because I don’t believe for one second he was not aware of the rampant PED use going on. If he was, he may not be a felon, but he’s certainly an idiot.  Brady Anderson hit 50 home runs, for crying out loud.  BRADY ANDERSON!!!

Those who criticise, call it throwing stones in a glass house if you want, should also be willing to praise and give credit where it’s due.  At least he does one thing well, speak in complimentary terms about the opposition’s players. He did, to his credit, call Andre Ethier a wonderful player and predicted a huge year from the talented but mercurial Matt Kemp.  That didn’t, however, make me want to vomit any less when he referred to the Sox as the “good guys” and the Dodgers as the “bad guys.” The only guy whose obnoxious homer enthusiasm I can even consider turning a blind eye to is LA Clippers play by play guy, Ralph Lawler. Hearing “Bingo!” every time Blake Griffin does something good (sorry, in my opinion a super freak athlete like Griffin should be able to slam dunk the ball from within five feet of the hoop… he is good though.) is grating to my ears. Anyone who can remain enthusiastic about the Clippers after more than three weeks deserves some slack.  He’s done it for eons, he deserves more than slack. ((reluctant nod of the head to Mike Smith))

My solution to this problem is this. We clone Vin Scully, ressurect Jack Buck and Harry Caray, clone each of them a dozen times, inject the clones with stem cells for enhanced longevity, and assign each clone to a team to do all games, home or away. And yes, the wonderfully impartial Jon Miller and Joe Morgan can play too. That does it for this smear, see you during the week.

I thought Arizona passed a law to deport all people in the state illegally.  I call BS….there are way more Canadians than I expected.  Also, worst drivers I have ever seen are here.  I watched a guy make a u-turn yesterday.  Only he did it in the middle of the road and not at an intersection, crossed 3 lanes, and found himself going up the curb, trying to three-point turn around the cacti before finally getting back on the road.  After getting past the horrible drivers, we finally made it to Tempe Diablo Stadium to watch the Angels take on the Indians.  One problem, the 25+ scalpers practically mugging every person walking by had already bought up all the tickets.  So we decided to give up on games for the day as I looked up two games, neither allowing online tickets, and Brandi and I just decided to head to the Scottsdale mall.  On our way, we happened to drive by the Spring Training home of the Oakland A’s, they had tickets, so we decided to go to that game.  White Sox-S’s, Peavy-Cahill…how did they do?  Not a friggin clue, took me nearly three innings to get a beer and a dog.  Then take into account they don’t have an outfield lawn, instead they have standing room only seats that are more expensive than lawn seats at any other park.  The stadium was so bad, it made me feel like I was in…well…Oakland.  I really only took one thing out of the game.  We were sitting out by the White Sox bullpen and one guy was having fun keeping the guys loose.  Non-roster invitee Brian Bruney.  In order to get through 162 games, you gotta have a couple guys that keep the guys loose and having fun, and Bruney looked like a guy that can do that.  Add the fact he is a better than average middle relief guy, and I am pulling for him to make the team, and if he doesn’t, you should hope your favorite team does.  Now onto the next game, heading down to Camelback Ranch to watch the Dodgers-White Sox.  Don’t worry, I bought these tickets yesterday, so I at least know I am getting in.



We got into town a little after 5 yesterday, settled into the hotel room, looked at the schedule, and realized there was a 7:00 game, so we took a quick trip from Glendale to Goodyear and watched the Rangers taking on a split squad Indians club. Both starters have a career ERA over 5, and they demonstrated why, really was not a good game, however, I talked up Choo the whole trip out and he did not disappoint. He made a great diving grab on a laser of a line drive, got hit in the dome by a pitch, then goes back out and guns down Chris Davis trying to go first to third a couple innings later. I made sure Austin Kearns knows The Stain has his back and is expecting a monster year from him. I sat by the Rangers pen for a while and took one thing out of that…Mike Maddux was a glaring omission from my Mustache Ride Through Time Smear a few weeks ago. While walking the stadium, we saw a seemingly lost Travis Hafner standing by the right field foul pole while the Indians were in the field. I decide to yell out to him asking him a few questions, to which he mumbled inaudible nonsense. He then stares at the scoreboard in left center, looks back at me and asks how many outs there are, and that is when it clicked, Pronk has sucked the last couple years because he is either constantly drunk at the ballpark, or he is blind as a friggin bat. Seriously, I get he is a DH, but how the hell do I, a fan wandering the stadium, know how many outs there are but the players don’t?!?! Also, Cleveland, are there no attractive women where you come from? The Indians bullpen gave out a baseball to a girl for showing them her rack. Makes sense, until you realize the girl might be a 6 if you just had 6 shots of tequila, shotgunned 6 beers, took 6 bong rips, and were blind as Travis Hafner! Check back later today or tomorrow with a day two update and notes from the Indians-Angels game.

The FA (English Football ((soccer)) (((game where you kick balls with your feet))) Association) has suspended Manchester United manager, Alex Ferguson for five games after he accused referee Martin Atkinson of bias. Specifically, he inferred that Atkinson was unfair and incapable. Needless to say, United aren’t thrilled but seriously, did they expect him to get off Scot free? Get it? Because Ferguson is Scottish? That was funny, I don’t care who you are. I kill me.

In terrible news, doctors have announced that Atlanta Braves minor league manager Luis Salazar has lost an eye after getting drilled by a line drive in a pre season game March 9th. There was some hope that doctors may be able to salvage the eye but sadly they couldn’t. A lost eye… Who saw that coming? Get it? Saw??? Because the whole eye thing? What, too soon? The great news here is that despite the terrible injury, Salazar is expected to recover well and he plans to resume his managerial duties this season. This is a pretty decent result considering that his life was considered to be in danger at one point.

Lastly, stay tuned for The Stain’s fictional player fantasy baseball draft recap. Not saying my team is stacked but Roy Hobbs and Clue Haywood? Sidd Finch??? I smell championship.

Age doesn’t seem to affect some people. There was that guy who swam the English channel in his 70s.  My grandpa once beat me in a footrace at the age of 76.  Granted, he tied my shoelaces together but we failed to put the groundrules of our little contest in writing. Well played, Opa.  Then it also got me thinking.  My buddy RG became a grandpa at the ripe old age of 40.  40 they say is the new 20, but not for pro athletes.  Few and far between are the guys who can continue to perform at a high level once they enter their fifth decade of life. Sure, there are guys who put one decent season or a couple good games together in the midst of obvious decline, but we’re talking about guys who did it (or look like they’ll be able to continue doing it) consistently while old enough to be the parents of their peers or teammates.  Without further ado, we’ll start with an honorable mention.

Dan Severn – Many of you may not remember him but he was one of the first stars of MMA, back when only the UFC was doing it.  He fought such contemporaries as Ken Shamrock, Tank Abbott, Royce Gracie, Oleg Taktarov, among others.  Now at the ripe old age of 52, he’s still fighting professionally.  And winning.  Sure, he’s not taking on elite competition anymore, but his recent results are still impressive over much younger competition.  That, and he has an awesome mustache, meaning he could very well slide seamlessly into Shaun’s list of top flavor savers, you know, had the list gone to 26.

Randy Couture – Sticking with MMA, our next guest on the list is one of the most revered fighters in the sport’s short history. His list of victims includes a who’s who of MMA legends, including Chuck Liddell, Tito Ortiz, Ken Shamrock, and many others; not the least of whom is man-mountain Tim Sylvia.  Before Sylvia decided to forsake cardio and get knocked out by inconspicuous suspects such as former pro boxing champion Ray Mercer, and The Ultimate Fighter tomato can, Abe Wagner, he was the UFC heavyweight champion.  Then 43-year-old Couture stepped into the cage with him and dominated a five round decision, become MMA’s oldest champion to date.  He seems to be retired now as he approaches 50, but I still wouldn’t mess with the guy.

Stachel Paige – Good old Leroy.  One of the great pitchers in baseball history, Paige made his mark in the Negro Leagues, becoming the benchmark of pitching among his peers of that time.  It looked like good old fashioned racism was going to screw the mainstream baseball fan out of being able to witness one of the game’s all time great’s plying his craft on the mound.  The Cliff’s Notes version then goes something like this.  MLB integrates with Jackie Robinson, Larry Doby shortly thereafter, and Paige among others.  At age 42, Paige made his MLB debut with the St. Louis Browns. While met with some skepticism, the Browns scored big time with that move as Paige dismissed any over-the-hill nonsense in short order, pitching for the Browns until age 47 and making two all star teams… despite pervasive racism. You don’t have to be Einstein to figure out that you had to be pretty damn good to be black and included among all stars in those days.  He was also the first Negro Leaguer to be inducted in Major League Baseball’s Hall of Fame.

Nicklas Lidstrom – It’s a bit early to say that Lidstrom will be among the best athletes to play into their 40s and be effective, seeing as he is only 40. What he also is is a leading candidate to win the Norris Trophy, awarded to the NHL’s best defenseman, this year. In addition to that, he is without a doubt the greatest defensive hockey player of this generation. Maybe ever. I saw Ray Borque and he was great, I’m too young to remember Bobby Orr, but his record speaks for itself. But Lidstrom is an icon.  Not only is the best defenseman in hockey, he is the greatest defensive player in any sport that I have ever seen. Showing no signs of slowing down, he could play until 50… theoretically.  Honorable mention here goes to Chris Chelios, who was effective into his 40s, but never approached Lidstrom’s excellence that late on.

Gordie Howe – I love hockey.  And I love guys who have a specific hat trick named after him like Howe did.  The Gordie Howe Hat Trick. A goal, assist, and five minute major for fighting in the same period.  Impressive, right? He was also the NHL’s leading career scorer until a fella named Wayne Gretzky came along and broke his record, meanwhile forever changing the way the game was played. Considering how many fights Howe got into (winning most, by the way), one is left to wonder how many more points he would have scored had he not spent 8 minutes a game in the penalty box for much of the early prime part of his career. His last NHL game was played in 1980 at the age of 52 for the Hartford Whalers.  He, believe it or not, scored 15 goals that season, and became the only player in NHL history to play in five decades. 

Nolan Ryan – Saving the best for last, how can anyone top The Express. If Ryan had ever pitched for any decent teams, his career winning percentage and win totals would likely be astronomically better. And he would likely have won a Cy Young award somewhere along the way, an honor he somehow managed to not earn.  What he did do, however, is throw two no hitters in his 40s, the last and record-breaking 7th of his incredible career at age 44. In his youth, Ryan’s pitches were regularly clocked above 100 miles per hour, a feat much rarer in those days when flame throwers like Aroldis Chapman and Joel Zumaya hadn’t been born.  Even Sandy Koufax, who was known for his nasty heater and may be the greatest pitcher that ever lived, couldn’t match Ryan’s smoke. Similarly, Robin Ventura couldn’t keep up with is bulldog headlock and right hook. If you don’t already know, just youtube it.  However, age finally did take it’s toll. Ryan threw his last career pitch at the age of 46, one that damaged his elbow and nudged him into retirement.  It was clocked at 98 miles per hour.

If I’ve forgotten anyone, or intentionally omitted someone you think deserving, let me know.  Goodness knows Shaun will.

 

A mustache can say a lot.  It can range from “hide the kids, looks like there is a new petifile in town” to “look out, this dude will kick your ass” and everything in between.  So I have decided to rank the top 25 mustaches in sports history, but I couldn’t just stop at 25, so I decided to begin this Smear on The Stain with a list of the top 5 coaching ‘staches.  Now, I have to set some very basic ground rules.  1) The mustache must be awesome, a trademark, and/or live on forever in our memories and our hearts.  2) Must be real, sorry Bobby V.

Now, on to the list, begining with the top 5 coaching mustaches.

5) Mike Ditka – Not sure what is more timeless, the sweater or the ‘stache, so why not show both?

 

4) Jim Leyland – He may not be allowed to smoke in the dugout anymore, but he is allowed to keep his amazing lip scarf.

 

3) Mike Holmgren – Not only does he have a great ‘stache, but he kept another ‘stache off the list cause Andy Reid is cleary just copying his former boss.

 

2) Bill Cowher – The mustache or the scowl, you tell me which is more intimidating.

 

1) Dave Wannstedt – When you have the nickname “Wannstache”, you win this part of the countdown.

 

And now for the meat of the countdown, the top lipped 25 mustaches in sports history…

25) Jared Allen – If this was a best mullett countdown (now there is an idea) he would win, but, while he has a great ‘stache, his is not an upper lip trendsetter, so he will settle for 25.

 

24) Wade Boggs – He ate chicken before every game, pretty sure his mustache ate the feathers to replenish itself.

 

23) Carl Pavano – For those of you who have been with The Stain since the beginning, you know I love Carl Pavano for completely screwing the Yankees during his time there.  Well, here is reason #2 to cheer for Pavano.

22) Goose Gossage – Probably underrated here, but I have gotten bored of it and all the “he belongs in the Hall of Fame” talk.  Congrats, he is there, but he will jump up this list if his plaque properly displays the fu manchu.

 

21) Catfish Hunter – Doesn’t have the fu manchu intrigue, but he just rocked an old school chevron ‘stache.

 

20) Randy Johnson – The Big Unit has a big time ‘stache.

 

19) Mike Piazza – What more could you ask for from a catcher than to hit home runs and rip off the mask to reveal an all-time great lip frame.

18) Don Mattingly –  Donnie Baseball no longer sports the ‘stache due to the gray it has taken on, but it will always be there to me.

17) Al Hrabosky – The Mad Hungarian had no reason to be mad about his lip’s furry neighbor.

 

16) Larry Bird – The flesh colored ‘stache get’s forgotten, but it is awesome!  Doesn’t he kinda look like Jackie Moon?  Google it, I will wait….

 

Welcome back, time to move on to…

15) Dale Earnhardt – I will say nothing negative about this mustache, even from the grave The Intimidator scares the poo out of me.  (See what I did there?  Keeping it Stain friendly)

 

14) John Axford – He reminds me a lot of a guy you will see towards the end of this list, but friggin sweat none the less.

 

13) Jeff Kent – The only mustache in sports that can stand up to a round house kick from Chuck Norris’ mustache. (You know you loved the Chuck Norris jokes)

 

12) George Parros – It is no wonder he hardly ever loses a fight, you get distracted by the ‘stache.

11) Steve Prefontaine – He made America proud, not with his running ability, but with his ability to run with such a sweet ‘stache.

 

10) Jack Lambert – Seriously, as if the teeth, or lack thereof, were’t intimidating enough, he had to rock the mustache?

 

9) Scott Player – This will likely be the only list to ever appear on The Stain featuring a punter, but come on, you gotta give this one credit.

 

8) Carlos Valderrama – Maybe his bleached blonde ‘fro makes the ‘stache, or does the ‘stache make the bleached blonde ‘fro?  Think about it…

 

7) Dennis Eckersley – If you could consider a mustache classy, this would be the one.

 

6) Hulk Hogan – He may not have played a real sport, but he does have a real sick ‘stache.

 

5) Adam Morrison – Has there ever been a worse great ‘stache of all time?  I say nay!

 

4) Rod Beck – Now this is a man ‘stache, or is it a mug shot…eh….one in the same!

 

3) Sal Fasano – He may have been a journey man catcher, but he can be on my All-‘Stache team any day of the week.

 

2) Lanny McDonald – Is that a mustache, or is there a ferret sleeping on his upper lip?

 

And now, for the greatest mustache in sporst history, and was there ever any doubt?

1) Rollie Fingers – I will just let the picture speak for itself.

 

Thank you for taking this little mustache ride through time with me, hope you enjoyed this little Smear in The Stain.

 

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