A mustache can say a lot.  It can range from “hide the kids, looks like there is a new petifile in town” to “look out, this dude will kick your ass” and everything in between.  So I have decided to rank the top 25 mustaches in sports history, but I couldn’t just stop at 25, so I decided to begin this Smear on The Stain with a list of the top 5 coaching ‘staches.  Now, I have to set some very basic ground rules.  1) The mustache must be awesome, a trademark, and/or live on forever in our memories and our hearts.  2) Must be real, sorry Bobby V.

Now, on to the list, begining with the top 5 coaching mustaches.

5) Mike Ditka – Not sure what is more timeless, the sweater or the ‘stache, so why not show both?

 

4) Jim Leyland – He may not be allowed to smoke in the dugout anymore, but he is allowed to keep his amazing lip scarf.

 

3) Mike Holmgren – Not only does he have a great ‘stache, but he kept another ‘stache off the list cause Andy Reid is cleary just copying his former boss.

 

2) Bill Cowher – The mustache or the scowl, you tell me which is more intimidating.

 

1) Dave Wannstedt – When you have the nickname “Wannstache”, you win this part of the countdown.

 

And now for the meat of the countdown, the top lipped 25 mustaches in sports history…

25) Jared Allen – If this was a best mullett countdown (now there is an idea) he would win, but, while he has a great ‘stache, his is not an upper lip trendsetter, so he will settle for 25.

 

24) Wade Boggs – He ate chicken before every game, pretty sure his mustache ate the feathers to replenish itself.

 

23) Carl Pavano – For those of you who have been with The Stain since the beginning, you know I love Carl Pavano for completely screwing the Yankees during his time there.  Well, here is reason #2 to cheer for Pavano.

22) Goose Gossage – Probably underrated here, but I have gotten bored of it and all the “he belongs in the Hall of Fame” talk.  Congrats, he is there, but he will jump up this list if his plaque properly displays the fu manchu.

 

21) Catfish Hunter – Doesn’t have the fu manchu intrigue, but he just rocked an old school chevron ‘stache.

 

20) Randy Johnson – The Big Unit has a big time ‘stache.

 

19) Mike Piazza – What more could you ask for from a catcher than to hit home runs and rip off the mask to reveal an all-time great lip frame.

18) Don Mattingly –  Donnie Baseball no longer sports the ‘stache due to the gray it has taken on, but it will always be there to me.

17) Al Hrabosky – The Mad Hungarian had no reason to be mad about his lip’s furry neighbor.

 

16) Larry Bird – The flesh colored ‘stache get’s forgotten, but it is awesome!  Doesn’t he kinda look like Jackie Moon?  Google it, I will wait….

 

Welcome back, time to move on to…

15) Dale Earnhardt – I will say nothing negative about this mustache, even from the grave The Intimidator scares the poo out of me.  (See what I did there?  Keeping it Stain friendly)

 

14) John Axford – He reminds me a lot of a guy you will see towards the end of this list, but friggin sweat none the less.

 

13) Jeff Kent – The only mustache in sports that can stand up to a round house kick from Chuck Norris’ mustache. (You know you loved the Chuck Norris jokes)

 

12) George Parros – It is no wonder he hardly ever loses a fight, you get distracted by the ‘stache.

11) Steve Prefontaine – He made America proud, not with his running ability, but with his ability to run with such a sweet ‘stache.

 

10) Jack Lambert – Seriously, as if the teeth, or lack thereof, were’t intimidating enough, he had to rock the mustache?

 

9) Scott Player – This will likely be the only list to ever appear on The Stain featuring a punter, but come on, you gotta give this one credit.

 

8) Carlos Valderrama – Maybe his bleached blonde ‘fro makes the ‘stache, or does the ‘stache make the bleached blonde ‘fro?  Think about it…

 

7) Dennis Eckersley – If you could consider a mustache classy, this would be the one.

 

6) Hulk Hogan – He may not have played a real sport, but he does have a real sick ‘stache.

 

5) Adam Morrison – Has there ever been a worse great ‘stache of all time?  I say nay!

 

4) Rod Beck – Now this is a man ‘stache, or is it a mug shot…eh….one in the same!

 

3) Sal Fasano – He may have been a journey man catcher, but he can be on my All-‘Stache team any day of the week.

 

2) Lanny McDonald – Is that a mustache, or is there a ferret sleeping on his upper lip?

 

And now, for the greatest mustache in sporst history, and was there ever any doubt?

1) Rollie Fingers – I will just let the picture speak for itself.

 

Thank you for taking this little mustache ride through time with me, hope you enjoyed this little Smear in The Stain.

 

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Recently, minor league hockey team the Bakersfield Condors announced that they would be holding “Charlie Sheen Night” at their March 12th game.  Of course, all two of us at The Stain immediately got excited.  We figured the first thousand fans would be treated to a hooker and two grams of blow.  What a great idea!!!  Sadly, there’s a more virtuous story behind it.  Any fan who shows up with a clean drug screening gets in for free.  There’s also some other nonsense about dressing up like any of Sheen’s movie characters and getting discounted admission.  Either way, anticlimactic, if not a bad idea anyway.

This got me thinking, why don’t more teams have nights named after idiot celebrities?  The possibilities are endless.  You could have Brittany Spears night where any woman having a meltdown in a local barbershop and shaving her head gets free tickets. You could have Rae Carruth night, where any man who can prove he didn’t murder his girlfriend (perhaps having her join him would suffice) gets a free milkshake.  Or Twilight night, where anyone who is willing to dress up as one of the characters from that insipid movie and book series and then get punched in the face by me eight times gets in for free.  I’ll open it up to the floor for more ideas but I think we may be on to something here.

Changing gears, Shaun’s story below is truly a nice one. And while it does show that there are things that transcend rivalries and restores a bit of faith in the human spirit, I must disagree with one thing.  I don’t think it will dampen the rivalry between the Red Sox and @#$%ing Yankees.  I mean, uh, the New York Yankees. All it will take in my opinion is some AJ Burnett chin music to the hot headed Kevin Youkilis and the soup will be simmering again. 

Lastly, it was nice to see that Tim Tebow and Amare Stoudamire spoke up in defense of BYU’s Brandon Davies, who has been dismissed from the basketball team after having pre-marital sex with his girlfriend, violating the institution’s honor code.  It’s 2011, and while that in no way should mean that people should forsake virtue and honor in favor of debauchery, it’s not like the kid did anything illegal.  Sadly for him, BYU’s archaic rules are something out of 19th century Aamish country.  They can’t even drink tea, for crying out loud.  Tea?  What. The. Uh, heck. Wouldn’t want to talk about the fire and brimstone place and violate The Stain’s strict honor code.

Here at The Stain, we are all about taking a look at the lighter side of sports.  But from time to time, there may be stories that must be shared because the human element of sports reminds us why sports are such a huge part of our lives.  Ask me what I miss most about playing baseball, and I will tell you that despite that incredible feeling of standing on a mound staring down a hitter and just knowing there is nothing he can do, that you have him on the rope and you are about to sit him down no matter what he does, I miss the camaraderie I had with the guys in the dugout.  I was watching the Yankees-Red Sox spring training game from Friday, and a story was shared that showed that camaraderie expands past your own dugout.

Ron Johnson is the first base coach for the Boston Red Sox.  He spent more than 30 years coaching in the minor leagues before getting the job of base coach in the bigs, but that is nothing compared to the struggle his daughter recently went through.  Johnson’s 10 year old daughter at the time, Bridget, was riding her horse with her sister near the family’s ranch in Tennessee when Bridget and her horse were struck by a car.  The horse was killed on impact, and Bridget was nearly dead herself.  She was rushed to the hospital where she underwent 12 different surgeries and nearly died on 3 separate occasions over the next 35 or so days that she was in the hospital.  Her leg had to be amputated just above the knee.  Johnson never left his daughter’s side, spending every day and night at the hospital. 

When the family finally went home, there were letters and gifts from all over as word spread throughout baseball and the countless athletes Johnson had coached in his 30 years in baseball reached out to extend their thoughts and prayers.  But one package above all others stood out.  The Boston Red Sox coach had a package from the bitter rival New York Yankees.  One of Johnson’s former players is current Yankee hitting coach Kevin Long.  Long found out the medical bills for the Johnsons were accruing during the intensive rehab young Bridgett was going through were quickly becoming more than the Johnsons could afford.  The Red Sox players and organization certainly helped out, but the bills kept coming.

Kevin Long decided to hold a team meeting sharing the story of his mentor’s daughter and asked the Yankee players to help out.  Many of the players contributed to help out the Johnson family, including Jorge Posada, Mairano Rivera, and A.J. Burnett.  That package from the New York Yankees that Johnson received was a letter from Kevin Long on behalf of the Yankee organization, including a rather generous check to assist with the medical bills.  Needless to say, Ron and his wife, Daphane, will forever view the Red Sox-Yankee rivalry a little differently. 

This past week, the now 11 year old Bridget was fitted for her permanent prosthetic, and has begun riding horses again.  Where did she get the new horse?  Red Sox third baseman Kevin Youkilis bought her the new horse, and she decided to name it Youky.  There is also a chance that Bridget may throw out the first pitch of the Red Sox home opener on April 8^th, against, who else, but the Yankees.  So this season, when you are watching the great rivalry that is the Sox-Yankees, don’t be surprised if you see a few more handshakes and a few less punches as these two organizations have proven there is plenty more to life than what goes on between the lines of the baseball field.  Those athletes get paid to play the game they have loved since they were kids, and they put the competition aside, and used their good fortune to allow a kid to continue doing what she loves. 



1) Carolina Panthers – Da’Quan Bowers – DE – Clemson – He can play standing up or with his hand in the dirt and is the best pass rusher in this draft.  He will give the Panthers a pass rushing threat off the edge for a team that needs an upgrade in just about every position on the field.  To me, they need to pick the guy that will make the greatest impact and this is him.

2) Denver Broncos – Patrick Peterson – CB – LSU – Champ Bailey is back, but is aging.  Peterson playing the opposite corner to Bailey can create the best corner duo in the league, or this may give the Broncos a Bucs with Ronde Barber type transition and move Bailey to Free Safety.  Either way, the 4.34 40 corner can be a shut down, ball hawking, playmaker that the Broncos could desperately use.

3) Buffalo Bills – Cam Newton – QB – Auburn – He impressed in every measurable drill at the combine, which was expected, but missed 10 throws with no defense there.  Granted, he had no chemistry with any of the receivers, but this does still leave some concern.  All that being said, the playmaking Newton would still be an excellent fit in Buffalo giving them flexibility in play calls and give Newton time to grow into a NFL star quarterback.

4) Cincinnati Bengals – A.J. Green – WR – Georgia – Finally a change from my first mock.  Green is hands down the best receiver in this year’s draft class.  He has great hands, runs routes well, and always seems to make the big play.  The concern I have for him is his frame.  Just seeing his body this weekend at the combine makes me fear he may be subject to injury against the big NFL defenses.  The Bengals won’t have TO and just might cut OchoCinco, so the best receiver in the draft could be a huge help to this franchise in turmoil.

5) Arizona Cardinals – Blaine Gabbert – QB – Missouri – The only healthy quarterback to not throw at the combine, but despite that, he handled himself so well in his interviews and with the media, you can see why his maturity is compared to Sam Bradford.  He could really help a Cardinal team that is in a weak enough division to easily jump from worst to first next season.

6) Cleveland Browns – Marcell Dareus – DT/DE – Alabama – Was as impressive as it gets at the combine this weekend.  He could play 4/3 DT or 3/4 DE for a team that will be changing their defense.  He is a big body, but still has the quickness to get up field and make plays.  The Browns need a lot of help, but an anchor to solidify the defensive front is as good a pick up as they can get here.

7) San Francisco 49ers – Nick Fairley – DT – Auburn – Many people have him at the top of their boards, and he has the talent to be there.  My first mock I had him fall based on gut feeling, this time, I have him falling due to the impressive performances by others.  Not that he did anything to hurt his stock, l just don’t see him going earlier than Dareus based on the flexibility you get from him, and he will not go ahead of Bowers due to the pass rushing ability.  But Fairley can be a run stuffing presence that can also get into the backfield.  And in a division with Steven Jackson, and two teams without quarterbacks, what better fit than a big run stuffer?

8) Tennessee Titans – Robert Quinn – DE – North Carolina – The second coming of The Freak.  Jevon Kearse was great for a couple years, Quinn could be great for an entire career.  Had he not been suspended for the entire 2010 season, we could very well be talking about the easiest decision at #1 overall in quite some time.  Despite all the other problems last year, one of the most overlooked changes to the Titan defense was the loss of Vanden Bosch at defensive end, and Quinn will bring that back and more.

9) Dallas Cowboys – Prince Amukamara – CB – Nebraska – The hole in the roof may be for God to watch his favorite team, but now Jerry’s World can have a Prince in his kingdom.  Granted my girlfriend just read that, and as a Cowboy hater, she simply rolled her eyes and uttered “whatever”.  All homerisms (not a word but I like it here) aside, Amukamara could be a huge help for an often injured Terrance Newman, underperforming Mike Jenkins, and decent nickel corner Orlando Scandrick.  The Cowboys don’t have any decent safeties right now, but do have a bunch of underperforming ball hawking corners, don’t be surprised if Mike Jenkins moves back to a safety position.

10) Washington Redskins – Julio Jones – WR – Alabama – Dude only had a broken foot before going out and running a 4.30 40, 11’3” broad jump, and a 38.5” vertical.  In other words, the guy put up some of the best numbers at the combine, on one foot!!!  He is having surgery this week to place a pin in the foot, but will be healed in time to be a stud by the time next season starts. 

11) Houston Texans – Von Miller – OLB – Texas A&M– Cushing, Miller, Cushing, Miller…anyone calling a Texans game next year better get used to that combination.  Adding who is without question the best outside backer this year to a team that already has one of the best in the league, makes for a scary duo.  Peyton Manning, MJD, and Chris Johnson might already be looking into trade options if this duo is created in the former land of the Oilers.

12) Minnesota Vikings – Cameron Jordan – DE – Cal – An above average pass rusher, but a great run stopper.  Can make a tackle on the other end of the line on most run plays, and as a secondary pass rusher to Jared Allen, Jordan will be a great complimentary piece.  I have had people ask why not a QB here, or even a WR with Sidney Rice testing Free Agency.  Answers are simple, there are no more #1 receivers, and the only two quarterbacks worthy of first round picks are gone.  Believe it or not, the Vikes are best off with the CBA being delayed until after the draft, waiting to see if they get a QB to fall to them, and then sign a veteran that won’t throw 1,000 picks like the crooked gunslinger, Brett Favre.

13) Detroit Lions – Anthony Costanzo – OT – Boston College – This is just too early for Jimmy Smith after looking simply average at the combine.  This draft is full of above average, but not great tackles.  Costanzo could very well be the first or the fourth tackle taken, but, without a doubt, Stafford needs help to stay healthy, and Costanzo is a big, long armed, smart tackle with the footwork to start right away.  He should help Stafford start at least half the games this season before going down with yet another injury.

14) St. Louis Rams – Akeem Ayers – OLB – UCLA– Congrats Torsten, here is your OLB.  Problem, he underwhelmed at the combine.  So why did he move up here?  Because he is the best player at a position of need for the Rams.  Ayers didn’t look good at the combine, but watch any game of his, all he does is make smart, big time plays.  He will fit in great alongside Laurinaitis in St. Louis.

15) Miami Dolphins – Mark Ingram – RB – Alabama – Ronnie Brown can’t stay healthy, Ricky Williams has lost a step, and Patrick Cobbs will never be a RB you want carrying the ball more than a couple times a game.  A former Heisman trophy winning RB in the middle of the first round that can be a game changer would be a great addition for the Dolphins.  Sound familiar?  Yeah, cause it is exactly what I said last time.  This is as sure a pick as I feel in this entire mock draft.  Emmitt Smith saying Ingram reminds him of himself only solidifies my feelings here.

16) Jacksonville Jaguars – J.J. Watt – DE – Wisconsin – Top five in every measurable category at the combine among defensive lineman.  “Well, he should be to be a first round pick”, you might say.  But take into account he is 6’6” and about 290 lbs, and suddenly the agility and speed becomes even more impressive.  Watt could very well prove to be a steal for the Jags and potentially battle for a defensive rookie of the year.

17) New England Patriots (from Oakland Raiders) – Tyron Smith – OT – USC – Can play tackle on either side.  Matt Light is getting near the end of his career, and let’s face it, he isn’t a premier left tackle anymore.  Then you look at the right side right now and the Pats have Sebastian Vollmer.  Smith can step in at either side and be an improvement, or he could be the best third tackle in the league, which may be one of the most underrated positions if the CBA decides to expand to a 18 game season.

18) San Diego Chargers – Adrian Clayborn – DE – Iowa – The Charger’s need a rush linebacker and/or a pass rushing defensive end.  So how about going and getting a guy that could play either one?  That is what they would be getting in Adrian Clayborn.  He will never have Shawne Merriman type sack numbers, but he could very well require a double team by the end of his rookie year.  Side note…Bob Sanders signed with the Chargers, great pick up, but they need to resign Eric Weddle to help when Sanders goes down with an injury which happens every year.

19) New York Giants – Nate Solder – OT – Colorado – He stands 6’9”, so clearly he has the length to play left tackle.  William Beatty is a terrible left tackle, and as much as I would love to see the mouth breather Eli Manning get clobbered over and over, I really do think Solder will help protect him. 

20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Aldon Smith – DE/OLB – Missouri – This team is gonna be fun to watch, and Smith is just the type of guy that will help make them even more fun.  Bringing in a young physical specimen like Smith to help with a top notch rush defense and possibly develop into an excellent pass rusher that will help take the Bucs to the next level.  Yes, a Cowboy fan just may be sporting wood over the potential of another NFC team.  My early NFC favorites are the Bucs, but don’t worry, my delusions will set back in soon and I am sure to write an article about how the Cowboys are the greatest team since…well…the Cowboys, duh.

21) Kansas City Chiefs – Corey Liuget – DT – Illinois – Again, Liuget alongside Glen Dorsey is a scary good defensive core.  They would be the equivalent of the Williams wall in Minnesota, only younger and with more pass rushing ability.  He will have to draw a double team from the Guard and Center, leaving either Tyson Jackson or Dorsey one-on-one which won’t be good for AFC West quarterbacks.

22) Indianapolis Colts – Gabe Carimi – OT – Wisconsin – Last year’s Outland Trophy winner for best college offensive tackle, standing 6’7” and pushing 315 lbs., giving Peyton Manning more time from the blind side…scary.  Manning has put together a hall of fame career with garbage on the line, minus Saturday, but as Peyton loses a step as his career progresses, having a top left tackle will allow him to continue making the playoffs and extending his postseason losing record for years to come.

23) Philadelphia Eagles – Jimmy Smith – CB – Colorado – In a pass heavy division, clearly top corners are a necessity.  Right now, the other side of Asante Samuel is bare.  Jimmy Smith is certainly a first round caliber corner, and will be able to learn a lot playing opposite as good a ball hawking corner as there is in Samuel.

24) New Orleans Saints – Muhammed Wilkerson – DT – Temple – Kid is 6’5”, 305 lbs, and out of a crappy school like Temple.  You know he has skills to be considered at a spot like this.  He was a high school basketball star, so he has the mobility, and had 10 sacks last season, so he can get in the backfield.  A big man in the center for this Saints team will help solidify an up and down defense.

25) Seattle Seahawks – Torrey Smith – WR – Maryland – Their top receiver last year was Mike Williams.  Yes, the same Mike Williams that starred at USC, declared for the draft a year too early, became the 364^th consecutive first round receiver taken by Matt “I ruined a franchise but am good enough to color commentate for you” Millen, bloated up to 300+ pounds, then came back and became the “stud” receiver for the first team to make the playoffs with a losing record.  Needless to say, best available WR is a good addition here, and Smith is it.

26) Baltimore Ravens – Brandon Harris – CB – Miami (Fla.) – Another Miami defensive back…it has worked out well for the Ravens in the past.  Harris has the ability to be a very good coverage corner.  He will be fit right in to the Ravens style of football and help shut down the pass heavy AFC North.  Again, may sound familiar, but I still believe 100% that this is the right guy for the Ravens.

27) Atlanta Falcons – Ryan Kerrigan – DE – Purdue – Guy is a worker and knows how to get into the backfield.  I see him turning into a Patrick Kerney type player for the Falcons with better run defending ability.  Time to start bringing in players rather than names on the defensive line, and this is the first step for it.

28) New England Patriots – Justin Houston – OLB – Georgia –A solid linebacker that has the potential to become the OLB they expected when they signed Adalius Thomas a few years back.  He can rush the quarterback or stop the run.  He needs to improve his footwork in coverage, but you better believe he will learn quickly in Belichick’s system.

29) Chicago Bears – Derrick Sherrod – OT – Mississippi St. – There was a drunken naked man running through Chicago this week asking people if they believed Jay Cutler really hurt his knee.  Had the Bears already had Sherrod, this never would have happened.  Ask the families in the neighborhood where the naked guy was asking about Cutler’s health was running around who they want the Bears to draft.  Enough said.

30) New York Jets – Cameron Heyward – DE – Ohio State – I still would not be surprised if they go with Rahim Moore here, but Cameron Heyward still available might be just what the Jets need to redeem themselves for the disaster that was Vernon Gholston.  I guarantee Heyward will have infinitely more sacks in his first year than Gholston had in his Jets career, easy since he had zero sacks in the three seasons.

31) Pittsburgh Steelers – Aaron Williams – CB – Texas – The Steelers two biggest weaknesses are offensive line and defensive secondary, so expect them to go one of the two routes here.  Williams is the best available of the positions of need, so this makes for a very simple decision by the Steelers.

32) Green Bay Packers – Bruce Carter – OLB – North Carolina – The Packers need an outside linebacker opposite Clay Mathews, and Bruce Carter is the best available.  He continues to move up my board, and I see him just sneaking into the first round more based on need than true ability.  He is a early to mid-second round talent, but since the Packers need an outside backer and don’t pick again until the end of the second round, Carter is not too big a reach for them.

Round two

33) New England Patriots (from Carolina Panthers) – Mike Pouncey – OG/C – Florida

34) Buffalo Bills – Stephen Pathea – DT – Oregon State

35) Cincinnati Bengals – Mikel LeShoure – RB – Illinois

36) Denver Broncos – Allen Bailey – DE – Miami

37) Cleveland Browns – Jonathan Baldwin – WR – Pittsburgh

38) Arizona Cardinals – Stefan Wisniewski – OC/C – Penn State

39) Tennessee Titans – Jake Locker – QB – Washington

40) Dallas Cowboys – Rahim Moore – S – UCLA

41) Washington Redskins – Ryan Mallett – QB – Alabama

42) Houston Texans – Phil Taylor – DT – Baylor

43) Minnesota Vikings – Christian Ponder – QB – Florida State

44) Detroit Lions – Martez Wilson – OLB – Illinois

45) San Francisco 49ers – Andy Dalton – QB – TCU

46) Denver Broncos (from Miami Dolphins) – Kyle Randolph – TE – Notre Dame

47) St. Louis Rams – Jerrel Jernigan – WR – Troy

48) Oakland Raiders – Danny Watikins – OG – Baylor

49) Jacksonville Jaguars – Ras-I Dowling – CB – Virginia

50) San Diego Chargers – Titus Young – WR – Boise St.

51) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Tyler Sash – S – Iowa

52) New York Giants – Greg Jones – ILB – Michigan St.

53) Indianapolis Colts – Marvin Austin – DT – North Carolina

54) Philadelphia Eagles – Marcus Cannon – OT – TCU

55) Kansas City Chiefs – Randall Cobb – WR – Kentucky

56) New Orleans Saints – Ryan Williams – RB – Virginia Tech

57) Seattle Seahawks – Jabaal Sheard – DE – Pitt

58) Baltimore Ravens – Leonard Hankerson – WR – Miami

59) Atlanta Falcons – Greg Little – WR – North Carolina

60) New England Patriots – Christian Ballard – DE – Iowa

61) Chicago Bears – Rodney Hudson – OG/C – Florida St.

62) San Diego Chargers (from New York Jets) – Orlando Franklin – OT – Miami

63) Pittsburgh Steelers – Jason Pinkston – OT – Pitt

64) Green Bay Packers – Shane Vereen – RB – Cal

God, I hate Charlie Sheen. Is there another human being on the planet who can do suitcases full of blow, hire hookers by the dozen, and suffer little to no legal consequences? Add to the fact how insufferably satisfied with himself the douche bag is, and that he cussed out his bosses in the national media and didn’t get fired (unless you count the transparent posturing of the 2.5 Men producers “halting” production) you just want to punch him. At least I do. And while there is nothing funny about substance abuse and addiction (until Sheen finally does me a favor and ODs) there have been a few athletes recently who have done some pretty epic stuff after getting polluted, and that IS funny.

Pat McAfee: Who ever thought punters could be cool? Nobody, that’s who. And then the soaking wet Indianapolis Colt was apprehended after getting bombed and going swimming in a canal near a local night club hot spot. He also scores major cool points for admitting to the cops, “I’m pretty drunk.” I have two words for McAfee. Role. Model. Hey Pat, you available for any baby sitting gigs?

Joe Namath: Every guy has that friend who WAY overestimates how good looking, smart, and desirable to the fairer sex he is, and how lucrative his 12 dollar an hour gig at the WalMart is. This friend then proceeds to shamelessly hit on every out-of-his-league woman at the bar, even trying to make out with a few, ruining any chance you may have had, merely by association. Thing is, Namath is good looking and filthy rich, which makes his shameless (and unsuccessful) attempt to kiss reporter Suzy Kolber on national television while blitzed (get the football reference there? I’m funny…) out of his mind all the more epic.

Miguel Cabrera: In no way does The Stain advocate or even condone drunk driving. Goodness knows, I have stupidly put my own safety and that of my fellow motorists at risk by ignorantly getting behind the wheel after one too many. Who am I kidding, more like six too many. And I paid the price, as I deserved to. I’d be lying though, if said a small part of me didn’t wish I had the grapefruits to defiantly swill from a bottle of scotch as the cops who ultimately arrested me were, well, arresting me. Again. Not condoning his poor decision to drive drunk (or mine for that matter) but I can see the humor. Can’t you? And while we are on the topic of Cabrera, am I the only one who thinks he’s not necessarily an alcoholic? You simply can’t put up numbers like he did last season if you’re hung over every day. What he has is an inability to make smart decisions after drinking.

Scotty Lago: Man, I wish I was a good enough snow boarder to win a bronze medal in the Olympics. Then I could get all baked and take suggestive photos with the medal covering my junk and hot women biting it! The medal, not my junk. Just in case clarification was needed. That stunt got our boy Scotty an early ticket home from the games. Your legend lives on though, Scotty.

Honorable Mentions: Jim McMahon telling the cops, “You got me!” and David Wells pitching a perfect game “half drunk” merit mention but fall short of making the grade. Did I forget any notables? Feel free to let me know. Until then, bottoms up.

I may be a bit late on this, but I was on vacation, so better late than never.  When I first decided I wanted to write a post about the trade deadline, I was going to write about what a joke it is that these players are able to just pick and choose where to create “super teams”.  I do believe the way many of these guys are going about it is wrong.  The summit idea that was thrown around last summer of the games top free agents and free agents to be discussing where each would go to create a select few teams that would battle it out each year would have been terrible for the game.  But then I started to think, just look at the Cavs this year, it is clear that a single player can have a tremendous impact on a team more in basketball than any other sport.  So if a player can get together with another star, and one more that is an all-star, why wouldn’t you?  Look at the Lakers and Celtics, who are winning championships, both have a 3-4 all-stars on the team.  Then I thought back to when I was a huge basketball fan.   It was the Jordan led Bulls dynasty, then the Kobe and Shaq dynasty.  I then looked back to the 80’s.  In that decade, only 5 teams made it to the finals, and the Lakers and Celtics combined for 8 Championships.  Now, and I was one of them at first, people are up in arms about the way these teams are forming.  You have D-Wade, Chris Bosh, and LeDouche James, just because I am backing these NBA teams doesn’t mean I have to like the guy, are in Miami.  You have Melo, Amare, and Chauncey in New York, with the rumors already spreading that CP3 will replace Chauncey once he becomes a free agent.  And we have already seen what the Kobe/Pau/Artest/Bynum Lakers and the Rondo/Ray Allen/Paul Pierce/KG Celtics have managed to do.  Next we will see the Thunder step into that class as they already have a great young duo in Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook, have a very athletic Amare Stoudamire clone in Serge Ibaka, and just brought in a center that has proven can give the Lakers trouble in Kendrick Perkins.  The NBA still has the Spurs with Tony Parker, Manu Ginobli, and Tim Duncan currently leading the West.  So, while the Pacers, Warriors, Raptors, and Jazz fans will be stuck rooting to win the lottery, we actually have what could turn out to be some great NBA battles.  This year we have the Spurs/Lakers/Thunder in the West and the Celtics/Heat/Knicks in the East.  Each of these six teams have multiple all-stars, and are fun to watch play, with the exception of the Spurs who are just boring as all hell to watch.  There are actually more stud teams now than ever before, so tune in, and enjoy what could prove to be one of the best stretch runs and playoffs we have ever had.

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Shafted: I’ll take, How Jerry Sloan Probably Feels, for 500, Alex. The situation is not unprecedented.  Star player clashes with venerated coach, ownership sides with star player, coach resigns or is shown the door.  It’s not really right since players are more frequently to blame for whatever situation there was, but owners are generally chicken poo when it comes to their stars and side with them.  But I have never seen the star player traded after the coach resigned.  That is, until the Jazz traded Deron Williams to New Jersey shortly after Jerry Sloan resigned.  Sloan was the longest tenured coach in the league at the time.  And I’m the farthest thing from a basketball aficionado, mainly because I don’t like sports where scoring a point is insignificant in the large scheme of things, but my understanding is that Sloan was respected and admired in Utah.  So how would you feel if you were him right now?  Yup.  Me too.

Douche Nozzle:  I’ll take, Torsten’s Opinion on Rip Hamilton, for 400, Alex. I seem to remember saying something about players generally being the cause of problems with coaches and management.  I’m not saying I’m right but… actually, yes I am.  I don’t have much to say about Hamilton’s reproachable behavior by boycotting his team’s shootaround before the Pistons’ game against the 76ers, pretty much because ESPN’s Jon Barry already said it all.  You collect a check, you show up to work.  A very simple rule.  I make roughly 1/15647098476 of what Rip makes and I show up, regardless of how gruntled or lack there of I may be at the moment.  Sources are now saying that the alleged boycott that Hamilton orchestrated with some of his teammates wasn’t that at all, but I have my doubts.  He’s an influential veteran and pro athletes are known for having underdeveloped social skills and an inability to think and act for themselves.  Hence, I seriously doubt that Tayshaun Prince and the rest of the guys who missed the shoot around did that independently. 

Eff Manchester United: I’ll take, More Or Less What Torsten Yelled At The Television This Morning for 1000. Yep, it’s true. Sorry mom, I do occasionally use that kind of language.  My beloved Wigan Athletic gave it a pretty good run at the EPL leaders today, before faltering late and shipping three goals in the game’s last quarter hour to go down 4-0.  Sure, the game could have been a bit different if Wayne Rooney had gotten his deserved marching orders for his deliberate elbow to the head of Wigan’s James McCarthy, or if Victor Moses had done better with his one-on-on with United keeper, Edwin Van Der Saar, or for that matter if Van Der Saar didn’t channel himself from 8 years ago with brilliant saves to deny Ben Watson and Maynor Figueroa.  And to add insult to injury, now I owe Shaun lunch.  That’s okay though, I’m going to poo in it.  I’ll have the last laugh then.

Pay Attention:  I’ll take, Things The NFL Will Not Do In The Wake Of Dave Duerson’s Death for… can’t put a dollar amount on tragedy. Those greedy bastards are too busy with their CBA negotiations over who should get more billions than to stop and take notice of the former all-pro safety’s apparent suicide. And it’s sad.  Duerson likely will not be the last to succumb to what appears to have been depression/mental illness, and it makes you wonder, when will they take notice.  I’m certainly not the first to write about this, and doubt I will be the last, but it deserves as much mention as it can get. Oversized super-athletes are crashing head first into one another at alarming speeds, yet there always seems to be an air of artificial surprise on the NFL’s part when another of their own is lost.  There are exceptions. Former coach Mike Ditka, and many former players have stood up in recent years and tried to make a difference but the going is slow.  Too slow.

Jimmer:  I’ll take, What I Would Put On My Basketball Jersey If I Were BYU Star Jimmer Fredette for 100, Alex. Pele, Kaka, and host of Brazilian and Portugese soccer players do it. Why not college basketball stars? I really hope he gets drafted by the Celtics.  I want him to go to Boston so they can interview fans there about him. “Yeah, Jimmah is awesome.  We love Jimmah.  GO JIMMAH!” The comedy potential there is endless.

Lastly but not leastly (yeah, I know.  Not a word.  Tried it in Words With Friends), my friend George Ogier wrote a wonderful article about disability in soccer. I recommend you visit www.georgeogier.wordpress.com and check it out. It’s very good stuff.

Do you know anything about the Caltech basketball team?  If so, you better only know them thanks to a certain game in 2007, be talking about Tuesday night’s game, or be an alumnus, because Caltech has redefined futility.  There was a day in 2007 when the crowd likely stormed the court, yes, all three of them, as the Caltech Beavers ended their 207 game losing streak.  Then, in the 2010/2011 season, Caltech had a season to remember…they won 5 of 25 games.  Who cares, you ask?  Caltech fans care!  Why, you ask?  Because on the last game of the season, a special February night in “lovely” Pasadena, California, the Caltech basketball team did something they had not done in my lifetime…they won a conference game.  Yes, for the first time since January 23, 1985, Caltech won a NCAA D-III SCIAC basketball game.  On the final game of the season, against conference foe Occidental, Occidental accidentally forgot how to score, losing 46-45.  No, contrary to popular belief, that is not a WNBA score, it is the score of the first SCIAC game Caltech has won since knocking off La Verne more than 26 years ago.  You may be sitting back thinking, “Well, maybe there are decent teams in the SCIAC”.  Let’s take a look at the other teams in that division.  You have the previously mentioned La Verne (where I am pretty sure their top scorer is Shirley), Redlands, Whittier, Occidental, Pomona-Pitzer, Claremont-Mudd-Scripps, and California Lutheran University.  Still not sure if the division is downright pitiful?  Let me put it this way…Caltech is in good shape down in the paint as they have two big bodies coming back that can play center for them, one stands an intimidating 6’5”, while the other just 6’4”.  My bold prediction for next year…the Caltech Beavers will win 7 games, 3 of which division games.  Check back this time next year to find out, but I likely won’t be posting anything about SCIAC athletics because, well, let’s be honest, nobody cares about the conference unless there is an epic losing streak going on (sorry Chad).



I have always been a big draft nut, but never done a true mock draft.  Now that I have the platform to do it, I am going to.  Here is my first version.  You can expect another one sometime next week after this weekends combine, then another after all the pro days, and one more still the week before the draft. 

 

1) Carolina Panthers – Da’Quan Bowers – DE – Clemson – 6’4” 280 lb. defensive end that will become a force off the end.  Not ever going to be quite the pass rusher Julius Peppers was, but damn close.  The Panthers have a ton of needs, but bringing in a pass rusher from the defensive end position will help bring back a bit of a defensive identity.

2) Denver Broncos – Patrick Peterson – CB – LSU – Tall for a corner and great ball skills.  With Champ Bailey possibly not being in Denver this coming season, a ball hawking corner is a huge need.  Plus being a relative of Bryant McFadden, Sinorice Moss, and Santana Moss has got to be a good sign.

3) Buffalo Bills – Cam Newton – QB – Auburn – Ryan Fitzpatrick proved to be a quality quarterback for the Bills.  So why draft a QB here?  Simple, Cam Newton is the most dynamic talent in the draft, he needs some time to learn the position at the NFL level, so what better way than to sit behind a Harvard grad in Fitzpatrick to learn the game, but get playing time in a triple threat wildcat package with C.J. Spiller where he could hand it off, run, or throw.  If they want to compete in the division, a talent like this could go a long way.

4) Cincinnati Bengals – Von Miller – OLB – Texas A&M – This will allow Maualuga to move back to the inside and add an end rusher to the Bengals.  He will need to improve on his run defense, but he is fast and can make tackles sideline to sideline.  He could be an addition that will make the Bengals line backing core as good a young group as you can find.

5) Arizona Cardinals – Blaine Gilbert – QB – Missouri – This will likely change as we get closer to the draft.  I fully expect the Cardinals to get a QB prior to the draft like Kevin Kolb…oh…wait…there probably won’t be a CBA in place so they won’t be able to trade or sign anyone.  Ok, Fitz, you will have another terrible season with a rookie QB.  The guy is good, better than advertised accuracy, a big arm to get the long ball to Larry Fitzgerald, and a smart QB, but still a rookie.

6) Cleveland Browns – Robert Quinn – DE – North Carolina – He was suspended the entire 2010 season, but the man has skills.  He is nearly 6’5” but only 250 or so pounds.  He will likely get pushed around in the beginning and might run out of steam by the end of his rookie season after a full year off, but he is quick off the ball, around the end and could make a real impact by mid-season, but you will never know it because he will be playing in Cleveland.

7) San Francisco 49ers – Nick Fairley – DT – Auburn – A huge talent.  Could easily go 1 or 2, but I see him falling instead.  He is a big man, can get in the backfield and even get to the quarterback.  He fits better in a 4-3, but he is such a dynamic talent, the 49ers would not let him slip past here and he is the kind of guy worth taking a second look at your defensive scheme for.  Slide Sopanga into the other interior lineman spot, let Ahmad Brooks or Parys Haralson play the OLB/DE spot and this D could really surprise some people.

8) Tennessee Titans – Prince Amukamara – CB – Nebraska – A quality corner opposite Cortland Finnegan would be a big move for Tennessee.  Prince is an incredible athlete and an even harder worker.  I would not be surprised if he is a combine stud and moves up this board into the top 5, but for now I see him going Tennessee.  Yes, they need a QB and Locker is available, but they need a guy that won’t be a bust, and Prince won’t be.  But do look for them to jump on Mallett or even Locker if he is still available on day 2.

9) Dallas Cowboys – Anthony Costanzo – OT – Boston College – It was painfully obvious the Cowboys need a big offensive tackle to protect Tony Romo.  And while Costanzo might not even be 300 pounds, he is 6’7” with long arms and very good in pass protection.  The Cowboys will no doubt go best available tackle in this position, and right now, I think that is Costanzo.

10) Washington Redskins – A.J. Green – WR – Georgia – Who knows who will be throwing the ball to him in Washington, but it is clear the Redskins need a WR.  They have not had a premier receiving threat since…um…Art Monk.  A.J. Green is a top 5 talent and could be a huge steal for the ‘skins at 10.

11) Houston Texans – Marcell Dareus – DT – Alabama – He can play either defensive tackle in a 4-3 or defensive in a 3-4.  He will be the interior end creating a young, incredibly talented defensive front with Mario Williams, Amobi Okoye, and Dareus.  Line Cushing off his hip and you have a pass rush that is second to none and a team that can stuff the run.

12) Minnesota Vikings – Cameron Jordan – DE – Cal – More of a run stopping end than a pass rushing end, but the Vikings already have the pass rushing end in Jared Allen.  Jordan can settle in next to the Williams wall.  He could start as a defensive end or he can become the replacement to Pat Williams at defensive tackle. 

13) Detroit Lions – Jimmy Smith – CB – Colorado – We will see what the combine has in store for him as he could come out of there with a top 10 grade, or I could drop him out of the first round.  But for now, I like him to Detroit.  He is 6’2” and pretty fast for a big corner.  Think Antonio Cromartie without the laundry list of kids.  The Lions don’t really have a quality corner to speak of, so Smith would make an immediate impact.

14) St. Louis Rams – Julio Jones – WR – Alabama – Torsten is currently screaming at this article as I do not have an OLB or secondary help here.  Yes, the Rams need both, but I see there being big talent available in the second round.  Bradford needs another receiving threat, and Julio Jones will fit in very well in St. Louis. 

15) Miami Dolphins – Mark Ingram – RB – Alabama – Ronnie Brown can’t stay healthy, Ricky Williams has lost a step, and Patrick Cobbs will never be a RB you want carrying the ball more than a couple times a game.  A former Heisman trophy winning RB in the middle of the first round that can be a game changer would be a great addition for the Dolphins.

16) Jacksonville Jaguars – J.J. Watt – DE – Wisconsin – Will be a great fit opposite Aaron Kampman on the defensive line, but at 6’6” and 290+ he can play inside as well.  He is versatile and productive.  He can play the run or the pass, he could very well go earlier, but again, I see him slipping due to the fact he doesn’t fit into any one system perfectly, just every system very well, and that is just the kind of guy the Jaguars need as Jack Del Rio will be on the hot seat all season.

17) New England Patriots (from Oakland Raiders) – Akeem Ayers – OLB – UCLA – The Patriots desperately need a pass rushing threat off the edge, and if the Rams go WR rather than reaching for Ayers in that spot, he should be available for the Patriots and could be a great addition to the defense.

18) San Diego Chargers – Nate Solder – OT – Colorado – They need a guy to be molded into the left tackle of the future, and Nate Solder is the guy.  A year behind Marcus McNeil will allow Solder to improve his pass blocking ability.  He has good footwork and is very athletic for a guy standing 6’8” and weighing around 315.  He will be a great pick for depth along the line for this season and a guy to have Rivers back in the future.  They could use help on the defensive side of the ball and at receiver, but both positions can be addressed in the later rounds.

19) New York Giants – Tyron Smith – OT – USC – He can be a big help on this offensive line.  Will depend how he comes out in training camp, but he could take the left tackle spot from David Diehl allowing Diehl to slide into left guard, or he could prepare to take the right tackle spot from Kareem McKenzie next season when his contract runs out.

20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Adrian Clayborn – DE – Iowa – They have a good interior defensive line, Clayborn can be a pass rushing defensive end that can make the Buc’s defensive line one of the best in football for years to come.  They will probably get a running back in the second round, look Shane Vereen if he is there in round 2, as I have been in the past, this may be a biased call since I have known him since he was about 9, and improve that offensive line.

21) Kansas City Chiefs – Corey Liuget – DT – Illinois – Liuget is 6’3” 300 lbs, he would line up over center while they have Glen Dorsey at 6’1” also 300 lbs. at “end”.  These two, along with Tyson Jackson on the other end, would able to stuff the run in a division with two teams that rely on it.  They will look outside linebacker to come off the side around Glen Dorsey later in the draft, but here, they will shore up the defensive line.

22) Indianapolis Colts – Gabe Carimi – OT – Wisconsin – Most of their offensive lineman have been late round picks, and you might look at them and think they are decent.  But they aren’t.  Peyton Manning is the best at moving around in the pocket and getting rid of the ball quick.  What better way to improve the line than adding the best offensive lineman in college last season.

23) Philadelphia Eagles – Mike Pouncey – OG/C – Florida – His brother Maurkice plays on the north end of the state and played incredibly well last season.  He may be riding his brother’s coat tails into the draft, and he will never be as good as his brother, but he will be a quality interior offensive lineman.  They need help on the line at nearly every position, and Mike Pouncey can play either guard spot or center, and since there is not a tackle here that wouldn’t be a reach, Pouncey is a great pick.

24) New Orleans Saints – Mikel LeShoure – RB – Illinois – Ok, so this may be a bit of a stretch, especially since you see guy after guy fill in well at running back for New Orleans, but I really like LeShoure here.  Pierre Thomas is a Free Agent, and missed most of last season due to injury.  Reggie Bush is not a true running back.  He is a swing back who is at his best in the slot or on screen passes.  Do you really want to run with Chris Ivory again?  LeShoure’s 6 foot, 230 lb. body can handle the inside runs and will open up the wing for Bush. 

25) Seattle Seahawks – Justin Houston – OLB – Georgia – And every Packer fan just shed a tear.  This is the last top notch talent at outside linebacker.  There are guys that can fill in well, but no more with first round type talent.  Houston is a very good pass rushing linebacker, but could improve in his coverage skills.  Aaron Curry will handle one side, Lofa Tatupa will run the middle, and Justin Houston will be able to complement those two well.

26) Baltimore Ravens – Brandon Harris – CB – Miami (Fla.) – Another Miami defensive back…it has worked out well for the Ravens in the past.  Harris has the ability to be a very good coverage corner.  He will fit right into the Ravens style of football and help shut down the pass heavy AFC North.

27) Atlanta Falcons – Cameron Heyward – DE – Ohio State – A big defensive end that can take up space or get to the quarterback.  They have some big names at the position, but not so much in terms of production.  Heyward would certainly be an upgrade at the defensive end position, and his long frame will help him in pass defense.  It will be interesting to see if he can be successful in the running game though.

28) New England Patriots – Ryan Kerrigan – DE – Purdue – He led D-1A, or Bowl Division, or whatever they call it now, in tackles for loss last season.  He knows how to get in the backfield, not the biggest guy, but strong enough to bull rush, and fast enough to speed rush.  He is a great fit for the New England defense.  If they don’t get Ayers in their first pick, don’t be surprised if he is taken there, but he could very well slip down to here as well.

29) Chicago Bears – Derrick Sherrod – OT – Mississippi St. –  If Jay Cutler had Derrick Sherrod at Tackle, maybe he wouldn’t have been standing on the sidelines oblivious to the fact there was a NFC Championship game going on after apparently tearing his MCL.  Sherrod is a very good tackle and should really help shore up an average line in Chicago.

30) New York Jets – Rahim Moore – S – UCLA – Everyone saw the trouble the Jets secondary had after the Jim Leonhard injury, and while Leonhard is a strong safety and Moore will likely play free safety, a ball hawking, big hitting safety, will be a huge addition to a secondary that already has 3 very good to great corners and a very smart strong safety.  Rahim Moore has the talent to be a Defensive Rookie of the Year candidate, and with the freedom he would have to react on his natural instincts, I see him winning it if he lands in New York.

31) Pittsburgh Steelers – Aaron Williams – CB – Texas – Going into the Super Bowl, the big mismatch everyone pointed to was the Packers 3-4-5 wide receivers vs. the lack of secondary depth of the Steelers.  That proved to be a big difference in the game based on the game Jordy Nelson had.  Aaron Williams will be a quality Nickel corner his rookie season, and can become a really good #2 or even a decent #1 corner in his career.

32) Green Bay Packers – Aldon Smith – DE – Missouri – The Packers need an outside linebacker opposite Clay Mathews, but it won’t be available here.  But the 6’5”, 260 lb. defensive end can play with his hand down, and he may be able to play standing up as well.  They can use a pass rushing guy on the line Mathews can rush behind, but with time and coaching, he just may be able to become the OLB to compliment Mathews.  Adding a guy like Aldon Smith and some depth later in the draft could set up the Packers to be the favorite to become the first repeat champion since the Patriots.

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