For those of you who did not see, the other day Real Madrid faced off against bitter rival F.C. Barcelona in the Copa Del Rey final. In the 104th minute, Cristiano Rinaldo headed in the lone goal, giving Real Madrid they first Copa Del Rey title since 1993.  About 4:15 am, Real Madrid was touring the city of Madrid atop a double decker bus showing off the trophy to near 60,000 supporters.  That is when one of the greatest moments in celebration history happened.  Sergio Ramos lifted the trophy, and reminded us all why soccer players don’t use their hands, dropping the trophy to the ground, where it was run over slightly by the front bumper of the bus.  A group of cops had to come out and pry the trophy out from beneath the bus.  Thank you Sergio Ramos, you have saved The Stain from Smearer’s block!

Every once in a while, you hear a story that reminds you of the good in sports…none of these are that story.

 

Canseco Brothers – It is well known that Jose Canseco is a nut job.  But what can go under the radar at times is the fact he has a brother, Ozzie, who looks just like him, that is just as big a mess.  Whether it is an autograph session, a reality tv show, or even the bedroom with ones wife, there are questions as to which was who, when, and where.  The most recent came in a celebrity boxing match.  Jose was given $5k in advance with another $5k to be received after the fight.  Jose didn’t feel like fighting, so Ozzie decided to show up for the fight instead.  What the two failed to consider is the fact Jose has tattoos on his arms that Ozzie does not.  Needless to say, it was found out the wrong Canseco was discovered and the final $5k was not delivered and the fight was cancelled.

Mario Balotelli – The European footballer, again, soccer, that game you play with your feet, with Manchester City recently got bored.  Typically that wouldn’t be news, a guy gets bored at the facilities, plays some pool, maybe throws darts….well, he did the latter, at kids!!!  While bored he picked up darts, opened the window, and took aim at the youth team.  Naturally, as a player in a sport that isn’t allowed to use your hands, he missed on every shot.

Dez Bryant – Remember when you were 14, hanging at the mall with your pants too low, making fun of the mall security guards, giving cat calls to the girls while making fun of the nerds at the arcade?  Well, apparently Dez Bryant still is.  He recently added to his MALL RAP SHEET when he and his group of friends were asked to pull up their pants.  They proceeded to make a scene, and Dez was mentioned in yet another incident report at a Dallas area mall.  He was also recently sued for almost $1 million in legal fees and the cost of unpaid jewelry.  Add that to money “borrowed” after being suspended by the NCAA, the 6 figure dinner he paid for after refusing to carry Roy Williams pads, and we now know who is most desperate for the NFL lockout to end.

David Ferrer – Midway through the second set of his match at the Sony Ericsson Open, Ferrer got frustrated by a crying baby in the stands.  So he did what anyone named Ferrer or Balotelli would do, he hit a tennis ball into the stands in the direction of the baby.  He missed, and lost the match.  After he blamed indigestion for his loss…wonder what he blames for missing the baby.

Ballz Deep Draft Podcast

Torsten:

AL East: Red Sox

AL Central: Twins

AL West: Rangers

Wild Card: Angels

AL MVP: Joe Mauer

AL Cy Young: Brian Matusz

 

NL East: Phillies

NL Central: Reds

NL West: Giants (as he punches himself in the face for making this pick)

Wild Card: Atlanta

NL MVP: Andre Ethier

NL Cy Young: Ubaldo Jimenez

 

World Series: Twins over Phillies in 6

 

Shaun:

AL East: Red Sox

AL Central: Tigers

AL West: Rangers

Wild Card: A’s (yup, went against my original division preview)

AL MVP: Adrian Gonzalez

AL Cy Young: Jon Lester

 

NL East: Braves

NL Central: Reds

NL West: Rockies

Wild Card: Brewers

NL MVP: Jay Bruce

NL Cy Young: Tommy Hanson

 

World Series: Red Sox over Braves in 5

So normally, The Stain pays very little attention to tennis, seeing as it’s virtually impossible to drink beer and play effectively at the same time.  However, some pretty funny stuff happened at Indian Wells last week.  Xavier Malisse and his partner Alex Dolgopolov lost in the doubles final to super stud team Roger Federer and Stanislas Wawrinka.  You may be asking yourself, who? Everyone knows who Federer is but not Wawrinka.  Why?  Who cares, it’s tennis.  But anyway, Federer and Wawrinka are probably the best doubles team out there.  They rarely play doubles due to Federer’s overwhelming schedule of singles matches, but they are the defending Olympic gold medalists, and rarely lose when they play.  If anyone would have a chance to wrest the number one doubles ranking from Bob and Mike Bryan, it would be those guys. 

So the funny part is this. Evidently, Malisse and Dolgopolov were hitting some balls back and forth a couple of hours before the deadline to enter the doubles tournament and a version of the following paraphrased conversation happened.

Malisse: “Hey, wanna play doubles?”

Dolgopolov: “With who?  We’re the only ones out here.”

Malisse: “I meant in the tournament.”

Dolgopolov: “Oh. Sure, why not.”

Fast forward to the tournament, they went on a winning streak that included toppling the Bryan brothers on the way to the finals. That’s where the cinderella train came to an end, but only after a super tiebreak, which is a weird 10 point tiebreaker employed when… well, when nobody has won yet. They may not have won, but not bad for a couple guys who joined the tournament on a whim and HAD NEVER COMPETED AS A TEAM BEFORE.

Closing Thought:  I’m going to go out on a limb and venture to say that nobody in the entire country has a perfect March Madness bracket anymore.  Either Butler or Virginia Commonwealth are going to be in the finals and anyone who says they called that one is a liar. 

Other Closing Thought: Why not close with a blatant homer moment. There can’t be a team God hates more than the Los Angeles Kings. I guess he wasn’t paying attention to their excellent play of late, but decided to address it with catastrophic injuries to their two best players, Anze Kopitar and Justin Williams, within a 6 day period.  F. M. L.

When listening to an ESPN podcast, a question came up about which fictional baseball character the guys would take in a fantasy draft.  That then spawned us at The Stain to hold our own fictional fantasy draft.  There were three of us, and you might be surprised by who doesn’t get drafted.

 

Torsten:

P) Kenny Powers – Round 3

P) Sidd Finch – Round 6

P) Sam Malone – Round 8

P) Ed Harris – Round 10

IF) Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez – Round 2

IF) Clue Haywood – Round 5

OF) Roy Hobbs – Round 1

OF) Juan Primo- Round 7

C) Jack Parkman- Round 4

Utility) Jimmy Duggan- Round 9

Utility) Taka “Kamakaze” Tanaka- Round 11

Brandi:

P) Billy Chapel- Round 1

P) Ryan Dunne- Round 2

P) Miles Pennfield- Round 6

P) Eric Van Leemer- Round 11

IF) Miles Darlymple- Round 3

IF) Lou Collins- Round 5

OF) Scott Smalls- Round 4

OF) Bobby Rayburn- Round 8

C) Crash Davis- Round 7

Utility) G-Baby- Round 9

Utility) Billy Brubaker- Round 10

Shaun:

P) Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh- Round 1

P) Mel Clark- Round 4

P) Steve Nebraska- Round 7

P) Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn- Round 11

IF) Jack Elliot- Round 2

IF) Stan Ross- Round 6

OF) Willy Mays Hayes (Wesley Snipes Version)- Round 3

OF) Billy “Downtown” Anderson- Round 5

C) Jake Taylor- Round 8

Utility) Ed- Round 9

Utility) Kelly Leake- Round 10

 

Shaun’s take:  Usually Brandi is pretty legit when it comes to sports, but this draft she proved that her taste in baseball movies are truly that of a female.  I love For the Love of the Game and Summer Catch, and I have no problem admitting that, but Billy Chapel in the first round and practically the entire roster from Summer Catch…you got to be kidding me.  I got lucky with Wild Thing and Kelly Leake falling to me very late.  Add Mr. Baseball and Mr. 3000 and I have a solid infield.  Plus, I own every pitching category.  Now, one of my utility spots is a better real ballplayer than fantasy, but Ed owned the hot corner in the movie…Ed.  Torsten is sure he has the power numbers with Haywood and Parkman, but neither come through in the clutch, and his ace is Kenny Powers…weak.  Brandi certainly gets some steals and OBP help with G-Baby, mostly because applying a tag and finding the strikezone against a small 5 year old has got to be difficult.  To me, the biggest shock of the draft was the fact that nobody from Rookie of the Year made the list.  Chet Stedman and Henry Rowengardner are definitely better pitchers than the likes of Van Leemer, Sam Malone, and Ed Harris.

Torsten’s Take: I would like to start by saying, there is no way I’m not running away with the championship here. The Natural was, well, the natural pick at first overall.  Hell, the best that ever lived, right? I’ll admit that position scarcity played a role in Benny the Jet at number two, but overall, I cleaned up.  True, Parkman and Haywood each have a one movie history of failing in clutch situations… against a guy who throws triple digits!  Lest we forget, Harris went the first 8 in Major League 1, and to quote the great Harry Doyle (the incredibly awesome Bob Eucker), “That’ll do it for Harris, he has pitched a beauty.” Nuff said, not worried about my pitching. Shaun already astutely pointed out the flaws in Brandi’s draft so I need not say more.  However, I was a little miffed.  She didn’t take this very seriously, and if you can’t take a fantasy baseball draft involving only fictional characters seriously, well then I might not want to play with you.  So there.  On to Shaun’s team, the Wild Thing Vaughn, Jack Elliot, and Willie Mays Hayes were good value where he got them, as was Kelly Leake at the end, but I wouldn’t be criticising anyone else’s pitching with Nuke LaLoosh as my ace… Just sayin’.  If I had to be surprised that someone got snubbed, it would be a tie between Pedro Cerrano and Hank Bell. You just can’t leave power like that sitting around on the waiver wire. As far as pitching goes, Stedman’s arm went out and Rowengartner is just BEGGING for Tommy John surgery.  You can’t be 12, throw 113mph, and not get hurt.  Just ask Joel Zumaya. If you need some innings and possibly a win, Bill Wedman is still out there, but he does pitch for Seattle… and a 10 year old manager. 

We were throwing around idea of a fictional hockey draft too, but Brandi called dibs on everyone from Mystery Alaska, and you can’t make two competitive squads using Slap Shot and the Mighty Ducks octology, or however many they made.

We’re open to suggestions.

I love listening to podcasts about sports, and people often say they have trouble watching a game and truly enjoying it without thinking of their next article.  Now, I am in no way confusing myself with a real journalist, but I did get the same feeling this weekend.  While walking around the ballparks and watching the games, I kept seeing things that I wanted to reference here on The Stain…that was until Sunday.  Camelback Ranch is an absolutely incredible complex.  We pull up to park, pound a few beers, and start the decent hike to the stadium.  Usually the walk would be something to complain about, but not at Camelback.  On our right, there were two baseball games going on, both minor league Dodger games.  On the left, two more, those minor league White Sox games.  Separating the White Sox from the Dodgers, a fountain/pond, which I am pretty sure was 75% chlorine, but very cool none the less.  Then we reach the stadium, spread out the blanket on the grass, grabbed another beer and relaxed.  There are box seats at the stadium, and the structure is made to look like an old wood structure, but upon closer examination it is actually a steel frame.  But truly an excellent ballpark, wonderful grounds, and the best of all, despite the game technically being a White Sox home game…I was able to get a Dodger Dog.  The most difficult part of the trip was actually leaving, if you have never had the pleasure of doing a Spring Training weekend, do it.  The weather is always great, the ballgames are cheap, and you get to spend multiple days in a row watching baseball.  Now, in the Day 2 post, I mentioned the stupid Arizona drivers incapable of making U-Turns….I forgot California drivers are even more moronic.  Just before getting home, while driving in the carpool lane, a car was riding our ass before illegally exiting the carpool lane and passing us.  At this time I look over at the car and realize there is not a person in the passenger seat, but instead a friggin blow up doll.  Gotta love LA.

To rip off and butcher an old adage, those who can’t do, talk about it.  Few hate college basketball and March Madness as much as I do, but even I had to check out what happened at the end of the Butler Pitt game.  Ok, I admit it, I like a little drama, and that was intense.  What’s really stupid about it is the aftermath.  Mainly, the idiots who are out there saying stuff like, “How do you call those fouls at the end of a game?” Keep in mind, these are people who WRITE ABOUT SPORTS FOR A LIVING! Among the guilty are Sports Illustrated’s Will Carroll and Yahoo!’s Chris Chase. Carroll had the audacity to say they were the “two worst calls” he has ever seen.  Evidently, he has never seen an NFL game… and even if he were limiting his observation to basketball, he clearly hasn’t seen a single Heat Lakers game this season… not that he would have mentioned the Heat using Pau Gasol as a human crash test dummy. Now, Carroll isn’t generally a tool.  His words frequently, even if you disagree with them, have some merit.  One would have to guess he’s either a Pitt fan, or put some cheese on the over. Chase’s wax moronic was slightly less egregious, as he merely insinuated that the ref should have swallowed his whistle on the last play, allowing a tight, exciting game to go to overtime. I wonder if he would have insinuated a baseball umpire call a line drive on the chalk for a winning basehit a foul ball just to have a great game go to extra innings. Or have a ref call a great catch in the endzone for a winning touchdown so a stirring football game can go to OT. Or for a soccer ref to allow a clearly offside goal to stand just for an extra 30 minutes of Champions League action between two of the best teams in the world.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t credit With Leather’s Josh Zerkle for being the only one I know of who accurately observed what happened.  Paraphrased, he said it took grapefruits of steel for the ref crew of that game to make those calls in a frenzied environment.  Basically, they maintained the integrity of the game and it’s rules in the searing heat of a moment. Hats off to them. They didn’t forget that nowhere in any rule book does it say to forsake the written rule in the final minute of a game to facilitate an overtime period.

Speaking of people who really shouldn’t be allowed (yes, I’m aware it’s a free country, so I ask only this: if everything you say about a sporting event is going to be dumb or exaggeratedly homer, become a blogger, not a journalist/announcer. Granted, not much money in this gig.) to ever open their mouths on television, I watched the White Sox Dodgers spring training game today, which was attended by my fellow Stainer, Shaun. (Side note, I was trying to think of a good way to describe Shaun as my partner in this blog. Stainer was really the best I could come up with. Smear Buddy and Poo Partner were two suggestions that, for obvious reaons I had to decline… or pooh pooh, as it were.)

Anyhoo, the White Sox WGN announcer (I think it’s Ken Harrellson) has to be one of the most annoying play by play guys in history. His pretentious “be gone” every time someone on the other team strikes out, gets caught stealing or whatever is gag inducing. Add to that, he had the audacity to call the sovereign period of Bud Selig (who was a studio guest in the second inning of the telecast) the best of any commissioner in his 5 decades in baseball. Then, he proceeded to brownnose Selig in the most ridiculous, borderline insane way.  I’m sorry, did he forget that Selig turned a conscious blind eye to the steroid and other PED epidemic that left a, ahem, stain on the sport? For goodness’ sake, if Barry Bonds’ home run exploits come with an asterisk, so should Selig’s (debatable) praise for steadily growing attendance since a cataclysmic strike in 94 wiped out half a season and the World Series. I’m not a lawyer, but if you partake in an activity that leads to someone getting killed, you are an accessory to murder. How is Selig not an accessory to felony drug trafficking and distribution? In my opinion, that’s exactly what he is, because I don’t believe for one second he was not aware of the rampant PED use going on. If he was, he may not be a felon, but he’s certainly an idiot.  Brady Anderson hit 50 home runs, for crying out loud.  BRADY ANDERSON!!!

Those who criticise, call it throwing stones in a glass house if you want, should also be willing to praise and give credit where it’s due.  At least he does one thing well, speak in complimentary terms about the opposition’s players. He did, to his credit, call Andre Ethier a wonderful player and predicted a huge year from the talented but mercurial Matt Kemp.  That didn’t, however, make me want to vomit any less when he referred to the Sox as the “good guys” and the Dodgers as the “bad guys.” The only guy whose obnoxious homer enthusiasm I can even consider turning a blind eye to is LA Clippers play by play guy, Ralph Lawler. Hearing “Bingo!” every time Blake Griffin does something good (sorry, in my opinion a super freak athlete like Griffin should be able to slam dunk the ball from within five feet of the hoop… he is good though.) is grating to my ears. Anyone who can remain enthusiastic about the Clippers after more than three weeks deserves some slack.  He’s done it for eons, he deserves more than slack. ((reluctant nod of the head to Mike Smith))

My solution to this problem is this. We clone Vin Scully, ressurect Jack Buck and Harry Caray, clone each of them a dozen times, inject the clones with stem cells for enhanced longevity, and assign each clone to a team to do all games, home or away. And yes, the wonderfully impartial Jon Miller and Joe Morgan can play too. That does it for this smear, see you during the week.

I thought Arizona passed a law to deport all people in the state illegally.  I call BS….there are way more Canadians than I expected.  Also, worst drivers I have ever seen are here.  I watched a guy make a u-turn yesterday.  Only he did it in the middle of the road and not at an intersection, crossed 3 lanes, and found himself going up the curb, trying to three-point turn around the cacti before finally getting back on the road.  After getting past the horrible drivers, we finally made it to Tempe Diablo Stadium to watch the Angels take on the Indians.  One problem, the 25+ scalpers practically mugging every person walking by had already bought up all the tickets.  So we decided to give up on games for the day as I looked up two games, neither allowing online tickets, and Brandi and I just decided to head to the Scottsdale mall.  On our way, we happened to drive by the Spring Training home of the Oakland A’s, they had tickets, so we decided to go to that game.  White Sox-S’s, Peavy-Cahill…how did they do?  Not a friggin clue, took me nearly three innings to get a beer and a dog.  Then take into account they don’t have an outfield lawn, instead they have standing room only seats that are more expensive than lawn seats at any other park.  The stadium was so bad, it made me feel like I was in…well…Oakland.  I really only took one thing out of the game.  We were sitting out by the White Sox bullpen and one guy was having fun keeping the guys loose.  Non-roster invitee Brian Bruney.  In order to get through 162 games, you gotta have a couple guys that keep the guys loose and having fun, and Bruney looked like a guy that can do that.  Add the fact he is a better than average middle relief guy, and I am pulling for him to make the team, and if he doesn’t, you should hope your favorite team does.  Now onto the next game, heading down to Camelback Ranch to watch the Dodgers-White Sox.  Don’t worry, I bought these tickets yesterday, so I at least know I am getting in.



We got into town a little after 5 yesterday, settled into the hotel room, looked at the schedule, and realized there was a 7:00 game, so we took a quick trip from Glendale to Goodyear and watched the Rangers taking on a split squad Indians club. Both starters have a career ERA over 5, and they demonstrated why, really was not a good game, however, I talked up Choo the whole trip out and he did not disappoint. He made a great diving grab on a laser of a line drive, got hit in the dome by a pitch, then goes back out and guns down Chris Davis trying to go first to third a couple innings later. I made sure Austin Kearns knows The Stain has his back and is expecting a monster year from him. I sat by the Rangers pen for a while and took one thing out of that…Mike Maddux was a glaring omission from my Mustache Ride Through Time Smear a few weeks ago. While walking the stadium, we saw a seemingly lost Travis Hafner standing by the right field foul pole while the Indians were in the field. I decide to yell out to him asking him a few questions, to which he mumbled inaudible nonsense. He then stares at the scoreboard in left center, looks back at me and asks how many outs there are, and that is when it clicked, Pronk has sucked the last couple years because he is either constantly drunk at the ballpark, or he is blind as a friggin bat. Seriously, I get he is a DH, but how the hell do I, a fan wandering the stadium, know how many outs there are but the players don’t?!?! Also, Cleveland, are there no attractive women where you come from? The Indians bullpen gave out a baseball to a girl for showing them her rack. Makes sense, until you realize the girl might be a 6 if you just had 6 shots of tequila, shotgunned 6 beers, took 6 bong rips, and were blind as Travis Hafner! Check back later today or tomorrow with a day two update and notes from the Indians-Angels game.