Ugh…the column I never wanted to write, and I am feeling physically ill to have this topic breaking my smearer’s block.  As you may have noticed, I am unimpressed by Tim Tebow.  He is not a quarterback that can have long term success in the NFL.  That that being said, it is time to back off the guy.  The media has made too big a deal about him, but the public disgust needs to stop.  I feel that before I make my next point, I should share my own personal view on religion to put this in the proper context.  I personally enjoy learning about different religions, the similarity and differences in all beliefs is something I find fascinating, however, I don’t believe in organized religion.  I refuse to go to any church as I feel there is too much hypocrisy in most places of worship.  Despite all that, can we all please stop blasting Tebow for being a devout Christian and actually give him some props for it?  I have heard plenty of people say he himself is a hypocrite for dropping to a knee and praying after a touchdown or a win but saying he does not pray for assistance in the football game.  I actually believe him.  I believe his prayers are more a thank you for his well-being and strength to keep pushing on.  In a sports world where we see a Xavier-Cincinnati brawl that was as brutal a sports fight as I can remember, that was followed by a Xavier player going to the podium to proudly state his team is full of “gangsters”, shouldn’t we appreciate a guy who is wholesome?  We have all become jaded by the way we see our athletes.  We are no longer surprised when the greatest golfer of his generation has dozens of mistresses, our NL MVP tests positive for PEDs, a legendary QB is texting pictures of his junk a reporter, a washed up point guard it eating Vaseline on his online vlog, let us cautiously tip our cap to guys like Tebow.  The good guys in sports, the Drew Brees’, the Curtis Granderson’s, the Grant Hill’s, and the Tim Tebow’s.

It’s hard to imagine that the late Curt Flood could ever have fortold free agency in its current state when he campaigned against the Reserve Clause, that up until about the mid 70s, kept players with the teams they originally signed with until the team, with no recourse for the player, decided otherwise. Decade-long contracts for hundreds of millions of dollars like the ones the Angels gave Albert Pujols had to far exceed everyone’s imaginations 35 years ago, right? Nearly that long ago, Bill Gates was purported (inaccurately) to have said (paraphrase alert!) something like, “Nobody will ever need more than 640k of RAM.” Even though Gates never actually said that, according to Gates himself, one could imagine someone making a similar comment about the money in player contracts, couldn’t one? “Nobody will ever need to sign a contract for more than a few million annually.” I digress. On with this smear.

By today’s standards, the money Pujols signed for is really about par for the course. He is the best hitter around at the moment, and that is about the going rate. (Thank you Mr. Steinbrenner) Really though, much of the problem lies in the media and, yes, bloggers such as Shaun and myself. Anytime a legitimate superstar comes along, everyone with an opinion and an audience wants to crow about how so and so might be the best player ever. There has been plenty of that nonsense going around about Pujols. Is he the best hitter of his generation? Probably. Best player, or even just hitter for that matter, of all time? Puh-leeze. He’s adequate at first base defensively, but far short of good. Sure, he has two gold gloves, but the voting had to be colored by his offensive exploits.  Other first basemen like Derrek Lee, Adrian Gonzalez (both of whom have gold gloves themselves), James Loney (whose defensive excellence is obscured by his mediocrity at everything else), Lyle Overbay and a host of others are far better. You don’t need metrics to see it. Moreover, Pujols is either terribly slow, or fails to hustle 75% of the time. Best ever? Come on, let’s get real.

It’s been a while since we had some fun with one of our smears, having posted a few recently that could be categorized as a bit more serious. So I thought it would be fun to compose a few mock press releases about the free agency signings of players who you could legitimately make a case for, to be the best ever at their respective sports, except by today’s monetary standards for such excellence. Of course, we take a few MINOR liberties with creative license here, not the least of which is assuming they come out of retirement to play in 2012… in some cases, coming back to life to do so. Beware, it might get a little wordy so if you printed this out for toilet reading, be prepared to make up an illness for when your boss asks you where you were for the last 40 minutes and how come you’re walking like you have sandpaper in your shorts.

Ted Williams has signed a 8 year, $320 million contract to stay with the Boston Red Sox. Williams had been entertaining offers from the Yankees and Angels, but decided to come back to the team that he played his entire career with. With the imminent retirement of JD Drew, Williams should slot into right field, and be able to spell David Ortiz at DH occasionally, as Ortiz needs more days off as he gets older (see, that was funny right there… because… ah, never mind, it loses a lot in the explanation). With Williams, Adrian Gonzalez, Jacoby Ellsbury, and Ortiz, the Sox now have the most formidable left hand hitting line up in the pretend history of baseball.

There’s a bit of a parallel here, believe it or not. At age 41, in his last year, Williams hit .316 with 29 home runs. Pujols will be 41 at the end of his deal with the Halos. It’s definitely premature to say that Pujols is declining after hitting “only” .299 last season, but to think that he would put up Teddy Ballgame type numbers at 41 is a reach. Even in today’s dollhouse-sized ballparks, it’s a reach.

Willie Mays has agreed to join the Tampa Bay Rays for 4 years and $185 million. There was speculation he might look to join an NL team, but the opportunity to play in the warm climate that is Florida was too much to turn away from. And since Jeffrey Loria is a close personal friend of the Devil’s, that left the Rays. Mays last played in 1973 with the New York Mets and set the Big Apple on FIRE to the tune of…a .211 average. Still, the Rays have to rely on finding bargains to compete with the big money Yankees and Red Sox, and the short duration, comparatively speaking, fits into their budget.

The Say Hey Kid was, without a doubt and a due tip of the cap to Mickey Mantle, the best center fielder to ever play the game. If you conveniently ignore those last couple of years in New York, he defended the position like nobody ever has, before him, or since him. He could run like the wind, and (as much as I don’t love them) would break whatever algorithms the metrics folks rely on. He hit 660 career home runs, at five foot ten and 170lbs. There’s a good reason he is the lofty standard every center fielder who is ever called “great” will have to measure up to if they ever want to be called “best.” I’d actually have some nice things to say about Willie, but I hate the San Francisco Giants with every fiber of my being.

Sandy Koufax has signed with the Los Angeles Dodgers for 5 years, $175 million. The contract is heavily backloaded, given the Dodgers’ current bankruptcy issues, and $173 million will be paid posthumously via Koufax’s estate into a college trust for his great great great grandchildren. Koufax underwent Tommy John surgery on the troublesome left elbow that caused him to retire at age 30, following a season in which he won 27 games and sported a miniscule ERA of 1.73, the best of his career. 

Willie Stargell once likened hitting against Koufax to eating soup with a fork. It’s impossible to predict the proverbial “what could have been” but the baseball record books would likely have had several more pages in them had medical technology in the 60s been as advanced as it is today. How many no-hitters would he have thrown? 10?

Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan have signed identical one year, $100 million contracts with the Miami Heat. LeBron James was sported camping out in front of both of their houses at various times over the past three months, leading to rampant speculation that ultimately ended up being correct. NBA Commissioner David Stern reportedly tried to veto the deals because he’s a self-absorbed, narcissistic imbecile with a Napoleon complex, but after a visit from some “businessmen” that Jordan allegedly owed $98 million in gambling debts to, quickly abandoned that mission. Rumors that Magic and MJ plan to not actually play, rather taunt King James from the sidelines with the combined glare from the reflection off their championship rings, abound, but The Stain has been unable to find any corroborating evidence to support them.

Look, you could make an argument for both guys that they are the greatest to ever play basketball, and not sound like an idiot. Both guys were dominant in their own ways, neither with the advantage that Wilt Chamberlain had of being the equivalent of Cosmo Kramer in the karate class with a bunch of six year olds. I thought about giving each guy a 10 year, $1 billion contract, and in this context it would make sense, especially given the ridiculous amnesty clause in the NBA collective bargaining agreement. I’m not a legal expert so I can’t proclaim to know exactly how it works, but it certainly looks like it gives teams a do over when they make a stupid mistake by overpaying someone. If you make a decision that cripples your team’s flexibility in the future, shouldn’t that be something that was taken into account by the numbers crunchers before whatever stupid offer it was that put the team in the predicament was made?

Wayne Gretzky has put pen to paper on a deal with the Pittsburgh Penguins, just days after Sidney Crosby announced his retirement due to recurring issues with post-concussion syndrome. The NHL’s all-time leading scorer will be expected to fill the scoring void left by Crosby’s departure, and will team with Evgeni Malkin to form one of the league’s most potent power play units. Some teams stayed away from Gretzky, citing concerns that he wouldn’t be able to play at his old level with today’s advanced equipment, but he quickly dispelled those concerns by scoring in practice on a one on four break using a mop. Evidently, his sticks hadn’t arrived yet and he wanted to make a point. The deal reportedly will pay Gretzky $80 million over two years with a performance option that vests a third year at an additional $45 million.

People belly ache that the NHL has become too defensive in the post-no red line era, using neutral zone traps and 1-3-1 formations that keep teams from making controlled entrances into the offensive zone. But the truth is, if you look at old video from the 80s when The Great One was on the Oilers, teams were already trying to employ similar methods to slow him down, and it didn’t work. Hall of Fame broadcaster, Bob Miller’s call, “The Great One is now the greatest of them all,” after Gretzky’s goal to break the all-time points record is still accurate. Nobody, save for maybe Mario Lemieux, has even come close. Mike Bossy, if he never got hurt, might have gotten close too. No truth to the rumor he’s considering a come back with the Islanders.

Lawrence Taylor has agreed to a 6 year, $238 million contract with the Oakland Raiders. Only $1 million of the deal is guaranteed, and is reported to contain an underage hooker and narcotics clause. Commissioner Roger Goodell announced in the wake of the Taylor signing, that the Raiders last three games will be replayed. Apparently, this decision is an experiment to see how much of an impact morale has on the performance of a team. The signing of the game’s best linebacker ever should go a long way toward counteracting the negativity caused by the realization that the team traded two first round picks for Carson Palmer, who wasn’t any good in Cincy for several years before he retired rather than report to camp. Isn’t this the same team that once traded Randy Moss the season before he massacred all kinds of single season receiving records?

The word, “contract” means an agreement, does it not? I find it confusing that a guy can sign a contract worth a certain amount of money, but have only some of that be guaranteed. How is it that a team can sever the contract and not pay the player the agreed-upon amount, while if the player decides to hold out for better the team can suspend him and not pay him? Again, not a legal expert here, but the scales don’t appear balanced. Anyway, in a sport where 22 players are on the field at one time, it’s rare that one has a huge impact on how nearly every game results. Indianapolis Colts fans may disagree with me and argue that the difference between Peyton Manning and Curtis Painter and company is roughly the difference between 11-5 and an AFC playoff berth and a possible 0-16, but… well, no but. They might be right. In fact, Peyton Manning just signed a 25 year, $1.5 billion contract that… never mind.

I could go on. I could put something about Pele joining Manchester United on a $500 million transfer fee, and I might enjoy doing it, but it kind of steers away from the free agency angle since star players in World soccer are rarely in that spot, their teams electing to transfer them lest they lose them on a Bosman for nothing. And the players do have a say in their new destination, nearly all deals being contingent on the player agreeing to wage terms with their new club.

I said this was going to be a long one, and I wasn’t kidding. I also don’t want to get off of the point I was trying to make. Wait, did I have a point? If I did, I’m going to guess that it had something to do with the ridiculous money that free agents in today’s professional sports environment get paid. And if that was the point, it may also have included inferences to the money that free agents in today’s professional sports environment WOULD get paid if they were indeed the “best,” as so many are quick to anoint just about anyone who has put together a few all-star or MVP performances on their way to free agency. In their prime, who would you choose? Cliff Lee, or Sandy Koufax? Ted Williams, or Albert Pujols? Ilya Kovalchuk, or Wayne Gretzky? Just remember, the next time someone signs a contract for a king’s ransom, it could be worse. You know, if they really were the best.

 

 

We’ve all had times in our lives, professional and otherwise, where we have just wanted to up and leave it all behind. Disappear. Get the hell out of Dodge. But we don’t. We have bills. Responsibilities. Obligations. And maybe some fear, that if we did actually indulge the fantasy of pulling a Half Baked on our own video store, we’d eventually have to come crawling back with our tails between our legs. Then there’s Paul Ranger.

Back the calendar up several years, Paul Ranger is a highly regarded young defenseman for the Tampa Bay Lightning. He’s big, agile, clever, and skillful. The whole package. He’s on his way to possible stardom in Tampa, on a team that looks to be a potential Stanley Cup contender for years to come. Then comes October of 2009. Eight games into the season, Ranger abruptly goes on personal leave… and hasn’t been back. There hasn’t been any kind of explanation into Ranger’s absence, which is now into its third year. Ranger isn’t, nor should he be required to give one to the public. One would have to assume he gave a reason to the Lightning, as his employer at the time, and if he did, they’ve done superbly in not letting any information leak. What’s odd is that there hasn’t even been much speculation.

The reasons a young man approaching his prime as a professional athlete would up and leave the game he dedicated his life to becoming good enough to play at the World’s elite level are relatively few. They’re all troubling though. Schizophrenia manifests in men who are in their early or mid 20s. Even if managed, that can be crippling. Clinical Depression, while not as age-restricted diagnostically, is another possibility. Anxiety disorders and substance abuse target young men also. Most physically degenerative disorders come later in life, though there have been cases of ALS (Lou Gherig’s Disease) in younger people. Even if it’s simply Burn Out, a lost desire to continue to play, that is usually attached to other, more serious issues. Glen Coffee walked away from a promising career in the NFL to join the Seminary, but he’s the only one I can think of who gave up a lucrative career for no other reason than a higher calling. Is it macabre to speculate about the well-being of someone like this? Maybe. But we look at car wrecks with a hypnotized curiosity, don’t we?

There’s precedent here. Some of it is encouraging, others not so much. Josh Hamilton overcame the relentless grasp of substance abuse to become one of baseball’s brightest stars. Zach Greinke battled anxiety and is a terrific starting pitcher. But for every success story, there’s multiple sadder endings. Dontrelle Willis had his promising career derailed by anxiety. Khalil Green appeared to be a budding all-star shortstop but was unable to overcome his internal demons. George Best, one of the greatest soccer players the world has ever known, was unable to conquer alcohol’s vice grip and was essentially finished at age 27. Michael Dokes was a heavyweight boxing champion but drugs ruined the better part of his career. The list could get pretty extensive.

There’s a facebook page dedicated to him, more specifically, his mysterious departure from the NHL. A couple of recent Paul Ranger “sightings” have fueled a little chatter, but nothing even approaching concrete. One sighting had him working out at a hockey facility and he looked “in shape.” Another had him visiting with Lighning GM Steve Yzerman. True or otherwise, these sightings mean little.

We as human beings struggle with things we can’t explain. Religion and the accompanying faith in the intangible has caused war and bloodshed beyond comprehension. The most corrupt and fallibe human beings are those we elect to office. Let’s not even get into Area 51.

On a more social level, we have the, “Whatever happened to that guy,” conversations with our buddies over a beer. Or three. I’m curious, whatever happened to Paul Ranger?

MVP! MVP!  Ok, ok, we’ll hold off on engraving the trophy for now… and I won’t make my reservations for his Hall of Fame induction ceremony just yet. But you must admit, something interesting is afoot. At no time in recent memory has there been a player as polarizing as Tim Tebow, as far as whether or not he belongs playing football at the professional level. His ardent supporters will point to his iron will, determination, leadership qualities, and something called “intangibles,” which if you translate it literally, would mean things you cannot touch. His ruthless detractors will point to is hideous throwing motion, poor arm (remember, Bernie Kosar had a terrible throwing motion too, but a decent arm among other things helped him overcome that), inaccuracy, and shameless devotion to Christ (as if that should really have anything to do with anything… though just once I want to hear the losing team blame Jesus for an ill-timed fumble). There is little, if any, middle ground. You love him, or you want to see him battered into oblivion. Not just fail, but fail epically.

So let’s take a look at a Cliff’s Notes version of the Bronco’s season. At 1-4, and on the verge of the season being a lost cause, exit stage left embattled starter, Kyle Orton. Enter, Tebow.

First game against the winless Dolphins, Tebow vindicates all the haters’ hatred by putting up one of the most diabolical performances by a quarterback in memory for 54 minutes. All of a sudden, with a bit of good fortune, 6 minutes of excellence lead to a furious fourth quarter comeback and a win. Still, though, it’s only the Dolphins, right? (side note, Miami continues to play with backbone in spite of the season being a lost cause, and has put together a couple wins behind backup quarterback, Matt Moore, when other teams cough cough Indianapolis cough cough appear to shamelessly be sucking for Luck. More on this later) No way he can win consistently.

Second game against, Detroit, see? Told you. Tebow is dreadful, so much so, that Detroit players are openly mocking him and criticising him in postgame interviews, a line rarely crossed in pro sports. Then again, these are the classless Lions who openly mocked Tebow during the game, jeered an injured Matt Ryan as he writhed in pain on the turf, and have been called for an inordinate amount of personal fouls for late hits and other dirty plays this season. Still, fearless forecasts of Brady Quinn sightings abound. The Tim Tebow era was surely over, soon to be followed by his career as a professional quarterback.

Next, a stunning defeat of the division leading Oakland Raiders. Tebow’s pedestrian sub-50% completion rate would be vigorously pointed to by his detractors, and his 2TD passes and 100 yards rushing conveniently ignored. It had to be a fluke, though, right? The Raiders are good this season, and no way that win happens without a huge game from Willis McGahee. Right?

Next, once again, Tebow comes crashing back down to Earth as… oh, wait. That’s right, the Broncos beat Kansas City. No thanks to Timmy T, though. He only completed 2 passes.  Count ’em! 2. One was a late 56 yard, game clinching TD to Eric Decker, but seriously? 2 passes? It may bear mentioning though, for the second straight game, no turnovers for Tebow. Quietly, what appears to be a underrated Broncos defense turns in another decent performance. No, the Chiefs are not world beaters, but they are only one season removed from a terrific 2010 campaign, and lo and behold, they are not out of the running in the AFC West this year either.

And then, it comes crashing to halt. The vaunted Jets defense smashes a hapless Tebow into… oh, that didn’t happen? Nope. After several days of crowing about how they would easily handle Tebow, the loudest of which was done by all universe corner, Darrelle Revis, the Denver QB led his troops on 95 yard, game-winning fourth quarter touchdown drive capped by his own 20 yard run. The Jets, while having failed to live up to expectations after being a popular pre-season prognosticator’s pick for the AFC Superbowl representative, are a good team with a good defense. Don’t look now, but Denver is half a game behind Oakland for first place. It should be noted, since I mentioned the trash talking, that I should also mention that Revis and Jets coach Rex Ryan were both complimentary of Tebow after the game.

Tebow is now 4-1 as a starter this year. It’s easy for people to get excited over success, or failure for that matter, in a small sample area. And five games is a small sample area. It afflicts other sports too. David Ortiz suffers through an early April slump and half the baseball media is shouting that he’s washed up and about to be released, and like clockwork he finishes the season with his customary 30 home runs and 100 rbis. It’s as reliable as rising and setting of the sun. But we aren’t talking about Big Papi. We’re talking about Tebow.

It still seems that the overwhelming majority (not counting Denver, of course) of people want, or even seem like they need Tebow to fail. Why is this? It can’t be that he breaks the mold of what a traditional pro quarterback is. Michael Vick, Vince Young, Randall Cunningham, Fran Tarkenton, Doug Flutie, and others have done that before, and none of them (save for Vick, after his unspeakable acts against dogs) have been met with such opposition to success. (we’re speaking here of football reasons, not ignoramuses who wanted the first three guys I mentioned to fail for idiotic racist reasons.)

It hit me today, as I recalled an interview I saw on television with Doug Flutie, the former Charger, Bills, and Patriots starter (as well as a distinguished career in the CFL). Flutie (who MIGHT be about 5 foot 9) theorized that the mold of the current starter is what it is, and not too many others get chances because front office execs are worried about their jobs. If they draft a towering behemoth with a cannon for an arm (say, Jamarcus Russell) and he fails, well, that guy is an underachiever. No mistake made on the part of the front office, the kid just ended up not working out. If someone takes a chance on a kid who may be undersized, or well put together abysmal technically, but has a way to will his team to win, and he fails, that guy will lose his job. Of course that guy was going to fail! Look how terrible his technique is! You thought he could win?

It’s true, right? I don’t watch college football for a variety of reasons, so I will not be able to back up my next claim with names. But I must be right. There have to be dozens of guys over the years who had glittering college credentials but were passed over at the pro level because their intangible ability to get the job done despite a lack of the prototypical skillset of a starting NFL quarterback was deemed good enough for college, but insufficient for the pros. Oh sure, several journalists have come out recently saying they’re pulling for Tebow because of what a genuinely nice fella he is. And he really does seem to be. But those in football’s inner circles (Again, outside of Denver) want, no, need him to fail. They need to continue to have the luxury of making safe picks at quarterback, and the job security that comes along with it.

Watching Cincinnatti’s Andy Dalton play, you have to know that every owner of a team with a quarterback need, that had the opportunity to pick Dalton, but passed on him, is asking his general manager, “Where were you on that one, moron?” Watching Dalton, he can only succeed, with his poise, accuracy, and the belief in him that’s demonstrated by his teammates. But he’s a prototype. Over 6 feet tall, well over 200 lbs, good arm.

What happens if Tebow succeeds, this season and beyond?  Suddenly, it won’t seem so far fetched that a unorthodox quarterback can be a winner. And then the guys in the plush chairs making the draft picks will have something to think about. Seriously, if us regular folks performed as poorly at their jobs as so many of these GMs do, we’d be fired in weeks, not years, and we don’t have the guaranteed millions on our contracts to fall back on.

So, do I want Tebow to succeed? I don’t know. The praying thing is kind of annoying… but sure.  Why not? He seems like a nice kid.

Ok, that was supposed to be end of this article. However, I forgot to mention something that I intended to say earlier, and rather than scroll back up and try to find where I wanted to put it, I will just say it here. I can’t wait for Tebow to throw a pick, run upfield to try and make a tackle, and have the defensive back slide down, quarterback style at Tebow’s feet rather than get leveled by him. Seriously, wouldn’t you? Who wants to get hit by that monster? Plus, he has Jesus power behind him!

Venezuelan authorities have rescued kidnapped Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos, two days after he was kidnapped at gunpoint from in front of his mother’s home.  So obviously, this is great news. And now that Ramos is safe, I feel 100% comfortable making light of his ordeal… okay, maybe 100% is an exaggeration. Especially since his life was likely in danger. So… ok, let’s be real. We joke around a lot here, but in all seriousness, we are incredibly glad, both as baseball fans and as human beings, not necessarily in that order, that Ramos is now okay.  And since he now is, I’m going to place a bet in Vegas, if the line is available, that the Yankees hired the kidnappers because they’re not thrilled with the thought of Russell Martin as their catcher in 2012.

Big deals have been made about South and Central American baseball players carrying guns, and using them no less.  In recent years, Alfredo Simon, Ugueth Urbina, and several others whose names I would remember several But Lights ago have ended up in legal hot water as a result of fire arms. Personally, I hate guns.  But can you really blame these guys for carrying them?

General Shadiness:  Ryan Madsen has a deal with the Phillies… and then he doesn’t. And then Papelbon signs… Shenanigans?  Yep.  Joke is on Ruben Amaro, though. Madson = good.  Pap = uh, half way decent river dancer?

Fantasy Football Play of the Week:  Brandon Gibson. (Shut up, Shaun, I’m not a homer.) Joe Haden will be on Brandon Lloyd all game, and who the @#$% else is Bradford going to throw the ball to?  Exactly. 7 receptions, 88 yards and a score. You saw it here first.  I think. Unless some other idiot somewhere else said it. And I read Matthew Berry’s ESPN column before I wrote this just to be sure that nobody else… well, at least nobody else worth reading, said it before me.

Last night, my cat tried to poop out two feet of yarn that he ate.  Unsuccessfully.  An emergency trip to the vet and 75 bucks later, he’s fine. At least he was before I did my best Shane Lechler impersonation and punted him 85 yards off my balcony.  Back off, PETA, I’m kidding… at least as far as you know.

Let’s start a contest.  We do have a few readers, Google analytics confirms it.  Best fantasy football team name ever. Submit your ideas.  I’m starting with Raging Fluffy Kittens of Doom. There’s a reason for this, but it’s not worth sharing.  Just ruminate on the awesomeness of the name for a moment, and then consider that they are well on their way to defending their 2010 league title. 

And… good night.  One more Bud Light and I’m passing out… wherever that ends up being.

As rabid baseball fans, Shaun and I certainly didn’t want to wait with our takes on free agency. I’d come up with funnier stuff to lead into this but… I can’t find my gin and tonic… Without further ado, the biggest bargains available in free agency, and biggest impending disasters.

The Bargains

Aaron Hill: Above average fielding, decent slugging second baseman failed to find his form of yore after being traded to the D Backs last season, and hits the market after being awful the last two seasons. His utter brutality will lend him to someone at a cut rate, incentive laden deal, and he can’t possibly be as awful as he has been after his brilliant ’09 with Toronto. Don’t expect another 30+ homeruns, but pretty good defense and 20 round trippers are on tap if you can stomach the sub .250 average.  My hope, the Dodgers give him a shot. Reality, the bankrupt Mets will probably take a shot at him.

David DeJesus: Was absolutely putrid in Oakland after a quietly stellar career in Kansas City. You can’t be very good for the better part of a decade and instantly suck from one year to the next. He defends well, doesn’t have an ego and is bound to recover. My guess, no good team will give him a shot, but he could go some place like Pittsburgh and hit around .300 with double digit home runs.

Takashi Saito: Yeah, he’s ancient. But even in his 40s, his low 90s fastball hasn’t lost a single tick since his heyday with the Dodgers and his slider is still quietly one of the best in baseball. The list of pitchers with an era lower than his 2.03 last season is a short and esteemed one. Need more convincing? Never in his MLB career has his ERA been over 3. Not once. Yeah, he’s brittle and needs to be limited to about 50 games, but it’s not his arm that ever hurts. Still need more convincing? He was untouchable this postseason for Milwaukee. Still need more convincing? 389 career strikeouts in just over 300 innings pitched. More? .199 career batting average against. Still more? Last season, it was .216, only a smidge above his career level. Just trust me already, he’s really good.  Really really good.  My guess… no bleepin idea, but he’ll be a steal wherever he signs, whether it’s the Yankees or Toledo Mud Hens.

Jimmy Rollins: He’ll never be the same guy that was the epitome of MVP. But with Jose Reyes getting the headlines as the best shortstop available in free agency, a team with realistic expectations will get a guy who hits .275 with 30 steals, 15 home runs, excellent defense, and walks enough to annoy opposing teams. In other words, the anti-Rafael Furcal.

Rod Barajas: I know, I know, you are all crying, “Homer!” So I’ll preempt your negativity. Somewhat flimsy arm lands him in the bottom third in runners caught stealing, though notorious slowpokes-to-the-plate Ted Lilly, Chad Billingsley, and the entire Dodger bullpen didn’t help. However, it bears mentioning that he never fails to sacrifice his body to block a pitch in the dirt, and almost never gives up a passed ball. Sure, Yadier Molina has the best arm around, but watching him merely swipe at pitches in the dirt all post season as they rocketed to the backstop for wild pitches made me take pause. Yeah, the Cards are deserved champs, and even though Yadi came up with some clutch hits, it’s really no thanks to him. Oh, and Barajas is good for 15-20 dingers if you can stomach the sub .250 batting average.

J.D. Drew: If he doesn’t retire, he’d make a decent DH somewhere, right? How can you get hurt just swinging the bat?

Russ Branyan: It’s about expectations. Live with the strikeouts, platoon him, and you get about 20 taters. There has to be an AL team that can use him, and then use him correctly.

The Disasters

Albert Pujols: .357, .327, .312, .299. His batting averages the last four years, in order.  See a trend? Sure, he’s the best hitter of the last ten years, and a surefire Hall of Famer.  But doesn’t that trend disturb you a little? Especially at the money he is gonna get? Maybe he hovers around .300, or even .320 for a few seasons, and he’s a lock for 35+ home runs for another half decade, but do you want to be the team that has him 6 years from now with three more remaining at 25 million+ per? I don’t. My guess, St. Louis. You don’t win the World Series and then let the biggest baseball icon your city has had since Stan Musial walk. You don’t. You can’t.

CJ Wilson: If he stays in Texas, I disown this part of this smear. But someone with deeper pockets is going to overpay, and he’ll crumble under the pressure. He still should have pitched the bottom of the tenth in Game 6, and that might have changed everything… But someone is going to pay big, and only the big teams can pay really big, and they’re going to get bitten really big. Shaun says Yanks, I say the other big team in the AL East. Someone has to take John Lackey’s place in the rotation, right? Ow. OW! Stop hitting me, Shaun!

Yu Darvish: Is he good? Oh, you betcha. Is he as good as advertised? Good question. Is someone going to overpay for him? Without a doubt. Even though he has better “stuff,” expect numbers like Hiroki Kuroda except with better run support leading to a few more wins. This would be excellent if he was making Kuroda money. But he’ll be making Cliff Lee money so the expectations will be higher. My guess, Atlanta? Why? I don’t know, but it’s getting late and I found my gin and tonic.

Jeff Francis: Someone is going to see the double digit win campaigns he put together for Colorado a while back, and wistfully imagine he is still that guy. Has incredible command, but when you throw nothing but strikes with tepid stuff, you get smoked. My guess, he re-ups in KC after not finding any bigger money takers.

Derek Lee: Pittsburgh got him for a playoff chase, which they were surprisingly in the thick of at the All Star break. How did he respond? With his best right-handed Roy Hobbs impersonation, of course. And he did it with enough aplomb that someone is going to forget how positively mediocre he’s been since a collision with Hee Seop Choi (speaking of which, whatever happened to that guy!!!) pulverized his wrist. My guess, San Diego. Anthony Rizzo, who happens to be the TRUTH, just isn’t quite ready yet.

Jonathan Papelbon: Great heater, albeit without much movement, and an overrated splitter have garnered him some success, though never convincingly enough for me to rate him among baseball’s best closers. A couple of rings put up an erstwhile argument to me, but ask any die-hard Sox fan if they wouldn’t rather have someone less flashy yet equally or more effective closing for them… say, your average Brian Wilson type… or Jose Valverde… Huston Street, anyone? Look, every closer takes one on the chin from time to time, sometimes epically, but I can’t remember anyone not named Francisco Rodriguez who has given fans as many heart attacks as Pap has since the days of Mitch Williams. My guess, the Red Sox pony up and regret it. I can’t blame them though. As awesome as Daniel Bard’s arsenal of stuff is, he suffers from something… lack of focus perhaps, that makes him a dodgey ninth inning proposition.

Non-baseball random blurt:

Fantasy football pickup of the week, Rams defense. I know, I know, homer. Still, playing against the hapless Cardinals with their rickety offensive line, I’m saying 15 or more points. Buy me a beer after my prediction wins you your week. Cheers.

Albert Pujols – Cubs – Theo will make the splash by signing Albert.  This signing will secure Theo’s job for a decade regardless of results on the field.

Cardinals Manager – Ryne Sandberg – What better way to give the finger to the rival cubs, especially with them going after your biggest free agent of this generation, than hiring their fan favorite as your new manager?  Theo has already told Sandberg he is not a candidate to be the Cubs manager, so he will take the job as Cards manager instead.

Jaime Moyer – Red Sox – The only active player older than Tim Wakefield, the Red Sox clearly need some help in the rotation, and he can introduce prune juice as the new clubhouse beverage of choice.

Prince Fielder – Nationals – The Nats gave a huge contract to Jason Werth last season; they will give another huge contract to Prince this season.  I have been on record for a few years saying the Nationals will win the World Series in 2013.  This will allow a starting lineup of Mike Morse, Jason Werth, and Bryce Harper in the outfield.  Prince Fielder, Ryan Zimmerman, Ian Desmond, Danny Espinosa in the infield and Jesus Flores behind the dish.  Add Strasburg and Zimmerman as a solid one-two at the top of a rotation, and this team is just a year away.

C.J. Wilson – Yankees – C.J. is the best available pitcher on the market, he just pitched in the World Series, and he has a knack for beating the Yankees.  AKA, the perfect formula to get grossly overpaid by the Yankees.

Aramis Ramirez – When is the last time the Angels had a true third baseman?  Troy Glaus a decade ago.  The Angels will finally sign somebody that won’t add to the 136 current outfielders they have.

Jonathon Papelbon – Phillies – Ryan Madson is not a top end closer; the Red Sox won’t break the bank to bring back Pap.  The Phillies have the best rotation in baseball with one of the worst back ends of the bullpen in baseball.  Papelbon will help fix that.

Carlos Beltran – Red Sox – J.D. Drew is finally gone, Kalish and Nava just are not the bats that will keep pace with the Yankees.  Carlos Beltran is a perfect fit in right field for the Red Sox.  He can bat 7^th, just play an average right field, and have no pressure to carry a team.  In that lineup with that much protection, he has the chance of hitting like he did way back when he played for Kansas City.

Dodgers Ownership – Steve Garvey Group – Mark Cuban would be the best move for the Dodgers, but Bud Selig clearly won’t allow it.  So, the group Steve Garvey is getting together will likely win.  Selig sees what has happened with the Texas Rangers with Nolan Ryan, and will try to follow the same model with Steve Garvey.  Had it been Mark Cuban, I would add a big signing for the Dodgers, but with Garvey, I think it will take a year or two to get the Dodgers back on the right track.

Jose Reyes – Brewers – Jose Reyes will create a fascinating double play duo with Ricky Weeks.  Reyes/Weeks/Braun would be one of the best top of the orders in baseball.  The Brewers have a solid pitching staff, and just need to add a little more power to the team and they will be a contender again next year.

Roy Oswalt – Reds – The Reds are good enough to compete in the Central, but they need more pitching.  Oswalt is a good veteran presence stopper as a third starter.  He could be a huge value to the Reds if they sign him to a one year deal with a second year club option.

Jonathon Broxton – Rangers – What better place for a big, corn fed, mid-Western guy like Broxton to go than the Rangers.  He is the fat, inconsistent, closing version of Nolan Ryan.  This will allow Neftali Feliz to move into the rotation, taking C.J. Wilson’s spot, and Broxton will get the chance to blow a save in game 7 of the World Series next year, making the Rangers this generation’s version of the Buffalo Bills.

Francisco Rodriguez – Angels – He will return to the place that started it all.  Angel fans still remember the great numbers he put up while in Anaheim, and it is the perfect place for K-Rod to get back to his premier closing form.

 Rick Ankiel – Cubs – Why?  Simple, just another chance to piss off Don for not trading me Chris Johnson in our fantasy football league.

Cubs Manager – Bill Buckner – While Theo has announced he wants a manager with big league coaching experience; Buckner will be able to change his mind.  Buckner will be the best symbolization of Theo not fearing any curses, and bring in a former Cub player.  Buckner will only manage for a year or two before being fired for Terry Francona who will have spent the previous two years being a studio analyst for Fox.

I should just leave this as a blank post since I am officially speechless, but that’s not smear style. I’m biased as a Dodger fan, so Game 1 of the 88 series always holds a special place in my heart. But let’s get real. Tonight’s Game 6 is unparalleled in history. Let’s get started with the observations, in order from most pertinent (since I’m enjoying some “cough” beverages and goodness only knows how far deep I’ll be in a few minutes) to possibly just random.

1. Both teams have serious bullpen issues. Blown saves happen, even in a World Series. Just ask the greatest closer ever to play, Mariano Rivera. But we’re talking about teams sporting Jason Motte and Neftal Feliz as their closers. Who knows about Motte, he’s never closed before this season, at least at the major league level. And Feliz, despite devastating stuff, has never been convincing. Even the heralded Mike Adams and Alexi Ogando have been iffy. And Scott Feldman, well, glittering post-season numbers before tonight aside, is middling. You have to wonder if Ron Washington was considering bringing in CJ Wilson on one day rest to pitch the bottom of the tenth.  And if he wasn’t, why the hell wasn’t he? And the Red Birds’ reliance on rookie Lance Lynn has to make you wonder as well. Game 7 should be another shootout.

2. If the Cards win Game 7, David Freese has to be the MVP, right? Right? There may be guys with better numbers this World Series, but if not for him, the streets of Arlington would be in a frenzy right now. On a team with Albert Pujols, Matt Holliday, comeback player of the year, Lance Berkman and… well, those three anyway, it’s Freese who is the hero.

3. Somewhere, the Phillies and Yankees are sobbing… in unison.

4. Both teams have serious bullpen issues. Did I already say that? Will the cards consider Skip Schumaker in an emergency? He hit 92 on the gun in a blowout loss to the Dodgers this seaon in mop up duty. Were the Rangers so desperate that they had to use Derek Holland in relief, he of the Game 4 shutout gem, rather than save him for Game 7 if necessary.  Now it’s Matt Harrison. Maybe.

5. Where’s the defense? 5 errors combined tonight? And it could have been 7 or 8 if mental errors or simply poor play counted. What kind of awful throw did Elvis Andrus make to first on Descalso’s grounder with the game on the line, rather than take the easy force at second? And Freese, before his heroics, how does he drop that popup?

6. Both teams have serious… ok, let’s just say pitching in general… issues. Matt Harrison and Jaime Garcia. If anyone bet before the season that those two would be pitching the most important game of the year, they are now rich.

7. Somewhere, Cliff Lee is sobbing.

8. I play competitive billiards in a league, and some would tell you I am quite good. I blame the Cardinals and Rangers for my loss in league play tonight. How on Earth was I supposed to concentrate on pool?  Really, someone tell me, how on Earth?

Anyway, now for some purely random, gin and tonic-induced thoughts.

The New Orleans Saints massacred the hapless Colts 62-7 last weekend. How badly will they destroy the Rams this Sunday. 89-3? 116-0??? I’m taking the over, regardless of the line, and I’m counting on only the Saints to score. Seriously, I could play defensive back for the Rams and be an improvement over who they trot out there now.

Did you see Game 6 tonight? Wow.

Jonathan Quick is human. He finally gave up a few goals after nearly 3.5 hours of nothing. Without Drew Dought, arguably the Kings’ best defenseman. Subnote to this, Slava Voynov might be as good as Doughty. Remember that name.

17 goals tonight in the Jets Flyers game. In hockey, that’s unheard of. Incidentally, 17 is approximately how many times I yelled, “What the !@#$???” at the tv during Game 6 tonight.

The Rangers and Cardinals have serious bullpen issues.

My roommate is playing World of Warcraft right now, and I’m strangely feeling compelled to fashion a sword out of the loaf of bread on my table, ride my cat into his room and smash my breadsword on his keyboard. No real reason, it just sounds like fun.

We promised you an EPL podcast two months ago, and darn it, we are going to make it happen.

And now that I have updated my iPhone with IOS 5, all my apps are gone. Time to go try to restore them. Good night and I hope you’ve enjoyed our latest smear.

I will begin this rant with a bit of a disclaimer. I have no problems with Tim Tebow as a person, despite many of the things he believes in differs greatly from my own views. He is an excellent competitor and certainly has an incredible work ethic. That said, ENOUGH ALREADY. A few weeks ago I called out the Dolphins for planning a celebration of the 2008 Florida Gators National Championship team. Gainesville is a 5 ½ hour drive from Miami, Miami already has a university that is a rival of the Gators, and Tim Tebow was going to be on the team playing the Dolphins. Then it comes out that Tebow will get his first start in that game. All of a sudden the game in Miami became a home game for the Denver Broncos. Then the game starts, and Tebow looks terrible. Team passing yards take sacks into consideration, and halfway through the fourth quarter the Broncos had -2 team passing yards. Then the Broncos start making some plays. They get a touchdown, successful onside kick, Tebow drives down for another touchdown, punches in the two point conversion, the Broncos win in overtime, and Tebow is celebrated. Did anyone pay attention to what had to happen for the Broncos to make the comeback? The defense had to make a stop, but the Dolphins are awful, so that was easy. Then Demaryius Thomas made a couple of excellent plays to get to balls and break tackles. Then they get possession off an onside kick that was simply booted by the Dolphins. On the ensuing drive the announcers drove me absolutely nuts. Tebow completes a pass to a diving tight end. The announcers actually ask where those great throws were all game while showing the replay over and over. If you watch that pass you will realize punts have better spirals than his pass. The ball came out of his hand end over end. I have seen 5 year olds throw the ball better. Another ugly pass and great play by the tight end gets them into the end zone and Miami inexplicably leaves no middle linebackers in on the two point conversion allowing the most obvious QB draw of all time to be successful. Denver then gets the ball in great field position, Tebow can’t move the ball and Prater connects on a long field goal. The Broncos won the game despite Tebow, not thanks to him. If I am a Bronco fan I am pissed at Tebow today because his luck cost them a shot at Luck.

10) Roger Craig – No not the running back, but the former New York Mets Pitcher and San Francisco Giants manager.  In the early ‘90’s, while managing the Giants, he showed up on the bench with a bandaged hand due to a deep cut he had suffered the night before.  What is the big deal about a guy cutting his hand?  How about the fact he cut it while attempting to unstrap a woman’s bra?  I can guarantee a pillow with a bra strapped to it was placed in his office in the coming days for him to practice on.

9) Ken Griffey Jr. – This is one I can actually relate to.  I pitched when I was in high school.  One day, as I go through my leg kick in my pitching motion, I feel an incredible pain.  It was one of my testicles popping out of my cup and getting pinched as I followed through.  I sucked it up, held back the tears, finished the inning, removed the cup and never wore one again.  Well…Ken Griffey Jr. managed to pinch his testicles in his cup so bad he actually had to take a few games off.

8) Ron Russell – If you haven’t played disk golf, you are missing out.  A nice Saturday afternoon, out at a park, a case of beer, chucking things at a pole with chains dangling from it.  It really is surprisingly enjoyable.  That said, you are not pulling any ladies at the bar for being a professional disk golfer, especially if you are Ron Russell.  At a PDGA (Professional Disk Golf Association) event in 2000, Ron was on the 5^th hole in the rough.  He took a mighty swing, and his hand slams straight into a tree…breaking his hand.

7) Chris Coghlan – Quite possibly the best headline I have seen was one day I go to yahoo.com and see the title of a story “Marlin’s Coghlan tears knee in cream pie attack”.  At first I was afraid Coghlan had taken Roger Craig’s injury to the next level, but then I cautiously viewed the video, it was just him trying to shove a shaving cream pie in the face of a teammate after a game winning hit.  Coghlan slipped, tore his meniscus, and missed the rest of the season.

6) John Smoltz – Do you ever put on a shirt, look down and realize it has a wrinkled crease right across the front of it?  You probably take it off and iron it, throw it in the dryer, or (I assume if you are a reader of ours) just say screw it and wear it anyway.  Not John Smoltz.  He reportedly had to miss a start after trying to iron his shirt…while wearing it.  As you can guess, he burnt himself pretty bad.  Now, there have been reports since that it was not an iron, but rather a steamer…but is that really any better?

5) Plaxico Burress – You know the story.  Plax is a NFL star, so it is apparently acceptable to show up to a club wearing sweatpants, but it takes a really dumb NFL star to have a handgun tucked into said sweatpants.  It takes someone truly special to proceed to somehow click the gun off safety and pull the trigger, shooting himself in the leg.  I guess he should just be happy the bullet made it to his leg and not somewhere else.

4) Gus Frerotte – You have all seen the classic video.  Frerotte scrambles in a 1997 game, scores a touchdown, and instead of doing a pre-choreographed touchdown dance, he runs head first into the wall.  At first it just looked like a comically dumb move, but then the second half of the game comes around and he is not in the game.  Turns out the guy gave himself a concussion.

3) Bill Gramatica – You remember the Gramatica’s.  Kick a 23 yard field goal in the first quarter and jump up and down celebrating like they just won a big game.  Then, against the Giants in 2001, what we had all been hoping for finally happened.  Granted it wasn’t Lawrence Taylor sprinting out of the stands and drilling him to make the insane celebration end, it was Bill Gramatica himself.  On his second or third leap for joy, his ACL blew, proving yet again that kickers are not worthy of being called football players.

2) Paulo Diogo – Sometimes you see a kicker wearing his wedding band, you always see guys wearing their flashy diamond studs, and you see baseball players wearing a cross around their necks.  But never has wearing a piece of jewelry caused a person so much pain as Paulo Diogo in 2004.  After scoring a goal in a Swiss Super League match, he jumped up on the metal fencing separating the field from the stands.  When he jumped off, his wedding band got caught on the fence.  The fence won taking the ring and most of his finger with it.  Diogo appealed to the official asking he stall the game so he could go back and find his finger and ring.  The official showed Diogo no sympathy and actually booked him with a yellow card for excessive celebration.  After the game, the hospital informed him they could not re-attach the finger and recommended amputation.

1) Slobodan Jankovic – I thought the Gus Frerotte injury after head-butting a wall was bad until I did some research for this Smear and read the story of Serbian basketball player Slobodan Jankovic in a Greek basketball playoff game.  He fouled out of an important playoff game, and as you may expect, he was not very happy about the scenario.  In his frustration, he decided to head-butt a concrete post in the arena, immediately dropping him to the floor.  He hit his head hard enough that his survival was of concern to the medical personnel.  He survived the self-inflicted head-butt, but permanently damaged his spinal cord and has been paralyzed waist down ever since.