Shaun just asked me, given that the Patriots just lost an agonizingly close Superbowl to the Giants, if we knew ahead of time, before week one of the season, exactly how everything was going to turn out this season, would I rather be a Rams fan or a Patriots fan?

There are a few ways to answer this question honestly. You may ask, how can one possibly answer a question multiple ways while still remaining honest? I don’t @#$%ing know. I’m not a shrink. Leave me alone.

What’s indisputable is that we as sports fans end up with our allegiances to teams in unusual ways. Some of us inherit our teams from our dads, some base it on geography, some on particular players, and some people (including many that I know) simply support whatever team is in first place when they open the sports page because they think it gives them license to talk a little bit louder in the local sports bar.

There are other ways, surely, but let’s not stray off topic. Fact is, there are logical arguments in favor of both teams in question. Let’s begin.

Patriots: If it was easy to simply put down decades of allegiance to a particular team and choose a new one, who wouldn’t choose the Patriots? They have great players, compete every year, and have a way of turning ordinary players into Cinderella stories (see: Woodhead, Danny, among others). Plus, if you live in a major media market that doesn’t have a team (Los friggin Angeles for example), they televise pretty much every Patriots game. They play something like 9 Monday night games. And analysts can’t stop verbally ejaculating all over themselves about everything Tom Brady does. It must be pretty gratifying for fans.

Rams: They’ve been my team since I was old enough to comprehend football. Old loyalties die hard. Even though they are in the throes of one of the longest streaks of epically sucking in the history of pro sports, it’s not as simple as throwing in the proverbial sports towel. When the Rams won in ’99, it was directly after another extended period of futility. You just never know when it’s going to happen. They do have a few players on the squad who are worth cheering for. And it’s plain convenient to not have to donate several dozen shirts and hats to goodwill, and purchase a whole closet worth of new apparel.

And the verdict is… ok, you ought to know better.  We can’t make a call here until both the pros and cons have been weighed. And there are plenty of both for both teams.

Patriots: The elephant in the room is that any Pats fan, real or bandwagon, is immediately branded the latter living on the West Coast. That’s a big scarlet letter for any sports fan to want to wear on their foreheads. Object vehemently enough, and you’re likely to end up in fisticuffs if alcohol is involved, and at my age (even though 33 isn’t that old), that’s never an ideal scenario. Additionally, their coach is an unapologetic cheater willing to break just about any rule to gain an advantage, and the purist in me has a serious issue with that.

Rams: For decades, team management has held up a giant middle finger at the fans by consistently fielding a subpar product. The only three year interruption was by accident, when a future Hall of Famer named Kurt Warner ended up the quarterback due to a severe injury to starter, Trent Green. It’s almost like The Smartest Guys in the Room. A bunch of executives laughing about how their stupid fans will keep paying for the product despite it being markedly inferior to the rest of the league.

Sidebar: Tosh.0 has got to be the dumbest show in the history of television. Yet I can’t look away. I want to slap the smug smile off his face, and spend the majority of any episode wondering how someone could profit from the stupidity of the masses in such an abrasive manner, but it’s undeniably gratifying to know that so much of the world’s population is dumber than me.

The Verdict: It’s a slam dunk. I would rather be a Patriots fan. To know that your team will compete each and every year, and will do its best to put a product on the field its fans will appreciate is valuable beyond description. Sure, they lost a heartbreaker today, and they lost a heartbreaker after the 2007 season, but they’ve won a few in there too. You can’t win them all, and logic would dictate that if you make the Superbowl most years, you will take one on the chin every now and again.

But I’m not. I’m a Rams fan. And I will sit here in envy. With my beer.

1) Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck – QB – Stanford – Luck is the most pro-ready quarterback to come out of college since Peyton Manning.  It is time for the Colts to cut the cord, draft Luck, and prepare to be competitive in a couple years.

2) St. Louis Rams – Matt Kalil – OT – USC – In reality, this should be a traded pick.  The Rams need to milk as much talent out of this draft as they can and trading back to take advantage of a team wanting RG3, but I won’t predict trades in a mock.  Most people have Justin Blackmon here, but I think he is a bit overrated, and the Rams have enough guys at receiver, none #1 guys, but there is enough talent outside on that team.  Picking Kalil will allow them to move Jason Smith in to guard where he can resurrect his career similiar to Robert Gallery.

3) Minnesota Vikings – Justin Blackmon – WR – Oklahoma State – While I just discounted him above, I think this is the perfect pick to give Ponder another weapon and will help roll coverage off Pervy Harvin.

4) Cleveland Browns – Robert Griffin III – QB – Baylor – There is some mild concerns that RG3 might not be completely pro ready day one of the season, and I am not sure the Browns are not sold on Colt McCoy, but this is too good a talent to pass up.  Let the two guys compete and see if Griffin can take the spot going into the season.  I don’t see McCoy being an elite starter ever, but I do see him being one of the best back up guys in the NFL, and with some injury concerns over Griffin, the combo would be great for Cleveland to have.

5) Tamp Bay Buccaneers – Trent Richardson – RB – Alabama – Probably the best running back talent to come out of college since Adrian Peterson.  Blount has proved he is not an every down back, but a combination of Richardson and Blount could be one of the best in the league.

6) Washington Redskins – Morris Claiborne – CB – LSU – Mike Vick, Tony Romo, and Eli Manning.  Hakeem Nicks/Victor Cruz, DeSean Jackson/Jeremy Maclin, and Dez Bryant/Miles Austin.  That is what the Redskins see in their division, and since there are no guys in that mold available here, if they don’t trade up for Griffin, a corner that will help slow those guys for the next 10 years.

7) Jacksonville Jaguars – Riley Reiff – Iowa – OT – Just another excellent offensive lineman from Iowa.  Gabbert was the most disappointing rookie quarterback last year, but he also had the worst line and worst receiving core.  He became gun shy based on all the pressure he faced, and Reiff can help slow down an oppositions pass rush.

8/9) Carolina Panthers – Dre Kirkpatrick – CB – Alabama – He is 1B to Claiborne’s 1A, a big corner that will be helpful for a team that will need to slow down the passing games of Atlanta and New Orleans.  It was clear the Panthers needed more secondary help this season.

8/9) Miami Dolphins – Devon Still – DT – Penn State – This may not be the biggest position of need for the Dolphins, and it may not be the best player available, but in a division that leaves you chasing Tom Brady and the Patriots, you need a push up the middle, and Still is by far the best DT in this draft.

10) Buffalo Bills – Jonathon Martin – OT – Stanford – Since trading Jason Peters a couple years ago, the Bills have been near the top of the league in sacks given up.  Martin will not only help in that statline, but he is great in the run game as well.

11/12) Kansas City Chiefs – Luke Kuechly – ILB – Boston College – Not the most athletic inside backer, and would not fit a 4-3, but being the inside guy next to Derrick Johnson could be a special combination.  Putting those two guys together with Hali coming off the edge could be one of the best unknown linebacking corps in the league.

11/12) Seattle Seahawks – David DeCastro – OG – Stanford – May well be the best lineman in this draft, but being a guard, his value is lessened.  DeCastro lined up next to Russel Okung could make that left side of the line second to none, and open up massive holes for Marshawn Lynch.  If the Seahawks make this pick, mark Lynch as a top 5 fantasy running back next year.

13) Arizona Cardinals – Mike Adams – OT – Ohio State – I had him late first round until I watched the Senior Bowl where he dominated three first round pass rushers.  He will protect John Skelton’s blind side, yeah, I have given up on Kolb, and open some off tackle holes for Beanie Wells and Ryan Williams.

14) Dallas Cowboys – Quinton Coples – OLB/DE – North Carolina – I initially had Dre Kirkpatrick falling here and filling the biggest position of need for the Cowboys, but then I put my homerism aside and took another look at it.  At this spot, there won’t be a decent pick at a position of need for the Cowboys, but a team can never have too many pass rushers.  Coples take the spot that Anthony Spencer has disappointed in, or put his hand in the ground and come off the edge in front of Demarcus Ware, either way, he will be a factor on this team.

15) Philadephia Eagles – Courtney Upshaw – Alabama – DE/OLB – The worst position by far on the Eagles is at linebacker.  While they could really use an inside guy, there isn’t one worth drafting this early, but Upshaw can be a great addition as a DE/OLB opposite Babin.

16) New York Jets – Melvin Ingram – DE/OLB – South Carolina – The biggest need for the Jets, outside of Dr. Phil to fix the locker room, is an edge rusher.  There are several in this draft that grade out about the same, and ingram is the best fit for the Jets.

17) Cincinnati Bengals – Alfonso Dennard – CB – Nebraska – This may be too early, but the Bengals need a CB and this could be a really good one.  I was not happy to see him get kicked out of the bowl game by throwing a punch at Alshon Jeffrey, and his measurements may hurt him at the combine.  He is listed at 5’10”, but there is a concern he may measure in closer to 5’8″.

18) San Diego Chargers – Whitney Mercilus – DE/OLB – Illinois – The final of the 4 top talent edge rushers in this draft.  The Chargers of a few years ago with the intimidating pass rush is no longer, but this pick could start them back down that path.

19) Chicago Bears – Michael Floyd – WR – Notre Dame – The least flashy, but best fundamental WR in the draft.  The Bears need a guy that can become a #1 receiver, and Floyd is it.  He may not have the highest upside, but he certainly has the highest floor.

20) Tennessee Titans – Peter Konz – C – Wisconsin – Probably the pick in the first round that will draw the least amount of attention.  He is not on the level of a Pouncey or Mangold, but he is an excellent center and can be extremely valuable for a young QB in Locker and a RB in CJ.

21) Cincinnatti Bengals – Lamar Miller – RB – Miami – They need a guy to spell and be the heir apparent to Cedric Benson.  Miller runs very similiar to another former ‘Cane running back, Clinton Portis.

22) Cleveland Browns – Kendall Wright – WR – Baylor – Baylor teammate RG3 goes there early in the first, why not build instant chemistry and bring this combination to Cleveland.  Wright is a very talented WR for a team that is in need of a receiver.

23) Detroit Lions – Cordy Glenn – OT/OG – Georgia – The Lions have quickly established themselves as a tough, sometimes dirty team.  Yet, on the offense, they have yet to establish a running attack.  Glenn is a big powerful guy that plays tackle but probably best suited as a guard that will blow people up at the line of scrimmage.

24) Pittsburh Steelers – Mark Barron – S – Alabama – This was the easiest pick in the mock for me.  The Steelers need a safety because theirs are getting old and injury prone, and Barron is the only safety with a first round grade.  Enough said.

25) Denver Broncos – Janoris Jenkins – CB – North Alabama – This Florida transfer will help an aging secondary.  My biggest concern for Jenkins is he was beat multiple times on double moves in the Senior Bowl.  But time in the film room with Champ Bailey should help him recognize those at the next level.

26) Houston Texans – Alshon Jeffrey – WR – South Carolina – The Texans could use another outside weapon opposite Andre Johnson.  Jeffrey is a special talent and on a team that just needs more weapons to take the next step, this is a perfect fit.

27) New England Patriots – Zach Brown – LB – North Carolina – Most likely an inside backer, he could also slide outside, which is important for the multiple formations the Patriots use.  His combine will be important to prove he is athletic as he appears to be.

28) Green Bay Packers – Nick Perry – DE – USC – The defense didn’t get to the QB as often as they would have liked this year, but Nick Perry can help bring pressure from the line.  The linebackers and BJ Raji have masked the fact the Packers really don’t have an end to write home about, but Perry just might change that.

29) Baltimore Ravens – Vontaze Burfict – ILB – Arizona State – Crazy talent, maybe even a little crazy, sound like anyone else that plays inside linebacker in the NFL?  Oh, yeah, Ray Lewis…so why not learn from him.  He has fallen after punching a teammate, but if he can get his anger under control, he will be the steal of the draft.

30) San Francisco 49ers – Mohamed Sanu – WR – Rutgers – Alex Smith completed something like 1 pass to a wide receiver in the NFC Championship game.  So, obviously, a WR is their #1 need, and Sanu is the best available.  

31/32) New York Giants – Zebie Sanders – OT – Florida State – The Giants line is getting a bit old, and Sanders can play either the left or right side.  He may start as depth, but will likely be the starting left tackle after just a year or two.

31/32) New England Patriots – Jared Crick – DE – Nebraska – While he may not be the pure pass rusher the Patriots are in need of, he is a solid defensive end.  He will need to become a bit more explosive in his 5 technique, but could fit the Patriots scheme well.

For the overwhelming majority of fantasy football leagues, seasons are over. Therefore, anyone who isn’t a fan of one of the four remaining teams, the real NFL season is essentially over as well. Looking back, anyone who lost miserably with one of their fantasy teams this season after starting the season with high hopes can offer a variety of excuses. Will it matter? No. But if The Stain can give you one more reason to be aggravated but chose not to, well, we wouldn’t be doing our duty. (That’s duty as in obligation, not doody as in…well, you know… though some would argue that we are full of doody but that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.)

Thought 1: Tom Brady had to have Rob Gronkowski on his fantasy team, right? No doubt, Gronk is a terrific athlete and good player, but record breaking touchdown good? Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that Tom Terrific has Gronk and… say, Vince Wilfork has Wes Welker or Aaron Hernandez. And of course there may be a “small” wager between the teammates and friends. Both guys are open, who would YOU throw to? Just sayin…

Thought 2: Lots of people say that drafting a kicker with anything other than your final pick is stupid. They may or may not be right, but in a 16 round draft, how many guys taken in round 13 or later offer a measurable contribution. How many teams made fantasy playoffs and/or won their leagues just by having David Akers as their kicker this season? Is it really the worst thing in the world to take a proven, reliable machine of a kicker like Akers a couple rounds before the end, when you could pick up a gem of a receiver like… who, exactly? Exactly.

Thought 3: I believe the Madden Curse now. I do.

Thought 4: Three of the four remaining quarterbacks in the NFL playoffs (Joe Flacco, Alex Smith, and Eli Manning) were effectively fantasy afterthoughts before this season. (Eli likely won’t be in next year’s drafts.) Something should be wrong with this. I don’t know if it is though.

Thought 5: Is anyone else looking at Cam Newton as the first overall pick next season? Good.

Random observations are probably frowned upon in the professional sports media. Well, we ain’t there yet so we still have that freedom.

Rumor has it Texas is talking to Prince Fielder. Shouldn’t they be trying to sign Yu Darvish who they just ponied up a gazillion dollars to talk to? SIDENOTE: Chad Moriyama wrote a terrific article on laziness in analysis by sports media by deferring to race when comparing players. It’s very very good. That little line under the “terrific article” a couple lines above, that’s a link. Click it.

Referees are not held accountable enough in any sport. Now, the Giants won today so nobody is going to talk about the atrocious officiating that led to the Packers’ first two scores… but what if Green Bay had won?

I like rasberry vodka and fruit punch.

Can we plan a celebrity boxing match between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal for ten years from now? They’ve done such an excellent job at pretending to be friendly (until Rafa’s dig at Roger the other day about not being vocal enough about difficult scheduling conditions for players) to this point that the animosity absolutely must be simmering. Dana White, Lorenzo Fertitta, interested in making this an MMA thing?

Speaking of MMA… What do you do if you don’t like what you are getting paid at your job? Find another? Ask for a raise? Yahoo!’s Dave Meltzer wrote that many UFC fighters are unhappy with their pay. The article, once again, is journalistically excellent. It fairly captures input from both sides, does not pass overt judgment, and provokes thought. Here’s one thought it provoked from me. All you fighters who offered your quotes in anonymity, Curt Flood is rolling over in his grave. Personally, if you’re only making 20 grand a year at that job, either ask for more money, perform better so you can get a bonus, or get another job. I love MMA and respect the intensity of the sport and the training fighters must go through to perform, but this rankles me. We all work for a living in a variety of jobs. We all have bosses. If you can man up to an opponent with the professional skills to snap your limbs and concuss your brain, you can schedule an appointment in your boss’ office and discuss your compensation.

Lastly, stay tuned for a podcast soon. It may be Shaun and I putting each other on the spot with random philosophical sports questions, it may even be the long-promised EPL analysis. And with a bit of luck, we may be able to have our friend, George Ogier join us. He contributes to a bunch of sites. Here is a another example of his excellent work.

Stay tuned for more.

AT the time of this quick blurb, the Steelers and Broncos are tied at 23 in the fourth quarter with just over three minutes left.  The Broncos may still drive to win it… or lose it. But if they win, is God really helping Tebow? The religious young quarterback has had a great game so far, very little thanks to some of his teammates. So far, Demaryius Thomas has dropped what would have been a sure touchdown, either by himself or after first and goal from inside the one, on a pass that hit him in the numbers as the first half drew to a close. Denver settled for a field goal. Later, on what appeared to be a game sealing drive, Willis McGahee coughed up an inexcusable fumble leading to Pittsburgh’s tying touchdown drive.  That same drive, moments before the score, Champ Bailey dropped a sure interception that seemed easier to catch than the alternative. Hmmm….

Update:  AND terrible officiating. Second blatant facemask not called against Pittsburgh. Less than two minutes left, Pitt ball.

Update 2: For once I actually agree with the announcers. How on Earth do you not let Suisham try a 66 yard field goal. You can see how the ball travels on kickoffs. Practically out of the end zone.

Update 3: I hate the new overtime rules… and the referee that confusingly “explained” them. Seriously.

Update 4: With. Definitely with…

Well, it’s January, the month where our gyms get packed with thousands of resolutionites who have decided it’s time for them to get fit. If you’re a regular gym rat and annoyed at the sudden packedness you’re experiencing, worry not. 90% are gonna quit within six weeks and you’ll have your space back. If you’re one of the resolutionites, and plan to be one of the ten percent that doesn’t throw in the towel after a month, listen up. The Stain has your keys to success.

Disclaimer: We know more about beer than we do about most other things. Nothing in this article is intended in any way to represent us as doctors of any kind. We are merely not dumb.

Losing weight/getting in shape is a very simple equation. Caloric intake versus output. If you take in more calories than you burn, you are going to gain weight or become flabby. If you burn more than you take in, you’ll lose weight/increase your fitness. Period. The following five workout tips are all you need to succeed.

Start slow: Look, fatty. You didn’t gain it in a day, you ain’t gonna lose it in a day. Trying to fix decades of sloth with one three hour mega workout is only going to get you hurt. Now you’re fat AND injured. Not a good combo. Your first few workouts should consist of focusing on correct form and getting comfortable with the weights and equipment. Feeling some burn in your muscles? Good. Feeling shooting pains in your ligaments? You’re doing it wrong.

Tell the trainer to buzz off: Unless you are trying to tranform yourself from a Biggest Loser contestant to Mr. Universe, you don’t need professional help. If what you want is to just improve your overall health and pick up some definition, the basic excercises are more than enough. Walk or jog to warm up. Bench press, leg press, shoulder press, arm curls, pull downs, you don’t need some kid who wasn’t smart enough to major in something other than Phys Ed to teach you those.

Bring music: You’re not there to socialize. Pop in your headphones and listen to something upbeat. It will keep you moving. See a friend? Smile and nod and move on. You can talk over coffee another time.

Hold yourself accountable: If you just stopped going to work, you’d get fired, right? If you stop going to the gym, you’ll only lose your self esteem. No biggy, right? Look, it’s okay to skip a day if you’re under the weather, or that three martini lunch hasn’t made its way through your metabolic process yet. But, if you do, schedule a replacement workout on a day you weren’t originally planning on going. Same goes for when you’re there. We don’t always feel our strongest, but if you’re not the least bit tired when you’re done working out, you haven’t really tried very hard, have you?

Cut out vices incrementally: Reaching your goals involves effort, but you can speed up the process by cutting back on the stuff your dentist would kick your ass for anyway. Sucking down four Cokes every afternoon at the office? Try cutting that in half, and then againg. Voila. Hundreds of calories gone right there. And don’t be fooled by diet soda. They’re worse for you than the regular stuff. Want some ice cream? Have some. But rather than the whole tub, how about just a couple scoops?

Got it? Good. Now, a couple more things. You might be a newbie, but there are some people who are very advanced in that same gym as you, lifting heavy weights on big bars with some complicated excercises.  Watch where the hell you’re going. Accidentally clip the bar a guy is using to squat 500 pounds and you could get him killed. Like skipping rope to warm up? Great. Do it somewhere else. A jump rope can have the effect of a lasso or a noose on someone if they get caught by it. Taking this workout thing seriously? Great! We’re proud of you. Sweat is good!!!  Unless it’s somebody else’s. You might think the stuff streaming from your pores is sexy and smells like roses, but the guy patiently waiting to use the machine after you thinks it’s nasty. Have some decency and bring a towel to wipe down after yourself.

Print this, reread it in six months and look at yourself in the mirror.  You’re welcome.

 

Some people make resolutions, I have requests. With the New Year just a few hours away now, depending on where you live, what better time? Without further ado:

Armchair quarterbacks need to stop second-guessing every team or competitor who was defeated, as if they know so much better than the professionals currently calling the shots, unless the situation is obvious. Earlier this year, the Vikings were playing Kansas City (I think) and were up by three touchdowns behind strong runnig from Adrian Peterson. In the second half, they decided to move away from the strategy of using AP because it seemed to be working, and duly lost. Whomever made the decision to give the ball to AP only four or five times in the entire second half should be roundy criticized by everyone and their mother… and fired. But let’s stop bagging on Brock Lesnar for not attempting enough take downs in his fight against Alistair Overeem. You do realize, all who are bagging on Brock, that Overeem would crush you, right? That includes you, Dana White. Perhaps Overeem’s entire defensive strategy involved preventing getting taken down since on the ground is where Lesnar does his most effective work. Ever think of that? Overeem is a professional after all.

When I was a kid, there were a handful of college football bowl games people cared about. Orange, Rose, Sugar, Cotton, and maybe Fiesta. Enough. Seriously, enough. I don’t have the answer to solving the idiotic labryinth that is the BCS, but what I do know is that nobody needs the Depends Undergarments Bowl so Aamish Lutheran Polytechnic can take on Eastern Oklahoma State A&M. Nobody needs the Pet Duty Pooper Scooper bowl so St. Mary’s Catholic Junior College for Blind Nuns can take on the Thousand Oaks Pop Warner B Team. In a word, it’s unnecessary.

I am all for women reporting on sports. There are some excellent ones. Suzy Kolber. Out here on the West Coast, you may know Lindsay Soto. ESPN’s Shelley Smith is superb. But for Christ’s sake, can we raise the job requirement a little bit above a pretty face and a huge rack to at least include some rudimentary knowledge of the sport they are covering? What they have now is insulting. It’s insulting to sports fans, and it’s insulting to women. If I want to see hot chicks, that’s what Google Images is for. As well as a few other sites, but we’re a family blog here so I will just let you use your imagination.

Remember how Joe Namath had to wear pantyhose because he claimed to do so in a commercial? Neither do I. But supposedly, that happened. Can we bring back that requirement, please? I want to see Jennifer Lopez cruising around in a Fiat 500. I want to see Ndamukong Suh in a Chrysler. And I want Drew Brees tested for Nyquil. It’s called truth in advertising. And I want to see some accountability. And I just got another article idea… Most memorably horrible product advertisements featuring pro athletes. That can only be awesome, right?

One game a week of the four major sports should be on HBO, Showtime, or some other channel like that. Why? I want to hear the announcers curse. You know they want to. Enough accidental f bombs have been dropped on live television before to prove that point. So, let them. Call it a treat. Do a good job for a period of time and you get rewarded by calling a game on an uncensored channel. Then you can say stuff like, “Nice run by Smith there, but a bull@#$% call by official negates that. So instead of first down, we have second and 25. What an @$$hole.

No. More. Sex. Scandals. Please. No more pro athletes’ promiscuity bandied about the media as if it was some kind of secret. Would you or I ever cheat on Elin Nordgren? Of course not. But Tiger Woods? An ego maniac with zero social development thanks to a childhood in practical isolation and a young adulthood of enabling yes men? And you were surprised? Shame on you. And all you coaches out there, stop touching the children. Stop it. When I was a child, I revered my youth sports coaches. They were kind men and women, and my dick and ass never got touched. That’s how it should be. I got hearty slaps on the back for good performances, reassuring pats on the shoulder that the next would be better after games in which I sucked. That’s how high school and college sports should be too. If you feel the urge to touch children, get help. Seriously. Get some damn help.

Lastly, someone needs to start a mega super fantasy league in which all four major sports are incorporated into a big year long sprint. All sports are treated equally in terms of how many points can be earned.  All players are in the same draft pool.  That’s right, LeBron James may first overall.  Followed by Albert Pujols. Then maybe Sidney Crosby, and Kobe Bryant, and Aaron Rodgers.  Logistical difficulty aside, this can only be epic, right? The Stain might have to step up and pioneer this.

From the Stain family to you and yours, please don’t drink and drive, and have a safe and happy New Year.

What is the start of a season without blindly making predictions so you can go back in five months and let me know I know nothing.  Too bad, here it is anyway…how I see the NBA season is gonna finish up with playoff seeding in parenthesis.

 

Eastern Conference

Atlantic

New York Knicks (3)

Boston Celtics (4)

New Jersey Nets

Toronto

Philadelphia

Central

Chicago Bulls (2)

Indiana Pacers (7)

Milwaukee Bucks (8)

Detroit Pistons

Cleveland Cavaliers

Southeast

Miami Heat (1)

Atlanta Hawks (5)

Orlando Magic (6)

Washington Wizards

Charlotte Bobcats

 

Western Conference

Northwest

Oklahoma City Thunder (1)

Minnesota Timberwolves (6)

Denver Nuggets

Utah Jazz

Portland Trailblazers

Pacific

Los Angeles Clippers (3)

Los Angeles Lakers (5)

Sacramento Kings (8)

Golden State Warriors

Phoenix Suns

Southwest

Memphis Grizzlies (2)

Dallas Mavericks (4)

San Antonio Spurs (7)

Houston Rockets

New Orleans Hornets

 

Now, time for the playoffs;

 

Miami beats Milwaukee

Atlanta beats Boston

New York beats Orlando

Chicago beats Indiana

 

Then Miami beat Atlanta

Chicago beats New York

 

Miami then beats Chicago to go the Finals again.

 

In the West;

 

Oklahoma City beats Sacramento

Lakers beat Dallas

Clippers beat Minnesota

Memphis beats San Antonio

 

Then Oklahoma City beats the Lakers

Clippers beat Memphis

 

And Oklahoma City beats the Clippers to face Miami in the NBA finals.

 

Oklahoma City will win the finals with Kevin Durant winning both regular season and Finals MVP.

 

Other awards:

Defensive player of the year: Dwight Howard

Rookie of the Year: Derrick Williams

Sixth Man: Shane Battier

This is a Smear I have started and stopped many a times.  I have been hesitant to write this due to the nature of the topic, and the “innocent until proven guilty” law in America.  That being said, I think Jerry Sandusky has pretty much waived his right to be considered innocent and his lawyers have handled his accusations in a way that would be comical if the situation wasn’t so despicable.  So I will try to do my best to call out the comedy of errors that is Sandusky’s legal team, while sharing how sickening his kind are to me.

Let me start with Sandusky and what he is accused of.  If he truly turned down the job as coach in waiting at Penn State to run a youth football program which gave him access to molest and rape young boys, he should be slowly castrated and sodomized with a foot long sandpaper dildo.  Thought that might be too far until I thought again about what he is accused of.

Now, to the comedy/horror of errors by his legal team.  Bob Costas, on Rock Center,  was able to get an interview with Sandusky’s lawyer, who then offered up Sandusky for the interview as well.  Obviously Costas accepted, and that is when it got weird.  Now, I am not sure what the intent of the lawyer was; make Sandusky look like a nice guy incapable of doing these things, show the face of the man to intimidate the victims, attempt to sway public opinion, or whatever other failed goal he had in mind.  In that interview, he admitted to showering with young boys and placing his hand on their thighs, and looking back felt it may have been inappropriate.  One sign that he is oblivious to the scum that he is.  But then Costas asked Sandusky if he was attracted to young boys. Sandusky paused, and paused, and paused, the silence made me physically ill, then the response, first by repeating the question, then by saying “I enjoy young people. I love to be around them, but no, I’m not sexually attracted to young boys.”  Really?  Here is how anyone who is not a pedophile would answer…NO!

Then things quiet down a bit in the Sandusky case, Bernie Fine is accused (who I won’t be commenting on because of the inconsistencies in that case, and one pedophile rant is too many for me), and Sandusky is no longer the first story on SportsCenter or the nightly news.  Until his lawyer comes out and in an attempt to defend Sandusky says, “If you think my client raped 10 year old boys, you need to call 1-800-REALITY.”  Well, for the purposes of good journalism, or because Sandusky has made himself seem like he is capable of it, people called the number.  What did they get?  A gay men’s phone sex operator.  Now granted, it isn’t exactly Sandusky’s cup of tea, you know, men are capable of defending themselves, but the irony certainly was not lost.

Then, not even a week later, a new member of Sandusky’s legal team tries to explain his clients behavior, making it even worse, and at this point, almost comical.  While trying to make sense of Sandusky showering with boys, the following quote was said to a Pennsylvania ABC affiliate, “Some of these kids don’t have basic hygiene skill teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 sounds strange to some people, but people who work with troubled youth will tell you there are a lot of juvenile delinquents and people who are dependent who have to be taught basic life skills, like how to put soap on their body.”  Last I checked, delinquent or not, by the time you are 12, you know how to use soap.  Even if you don’t, I am certain the proper way is not at the hands of a 60+ year old man at a football camp.

I feel terrible for the victims of Jerry Sandusky, and anyone the victim of sexual molestation for that matter, but please, for the sake of the human race, just get this man locked up already.  I am not sure what his defense team is attempting, my only thought is they are trying to make Sandusky look so horrible, it is impossible to find a juror who isn’t ready to jump at the opportunity to scream guilty.  I hope this case makes any future victims of similar crimes able to come forward and let authorities know so we don’t find out decades later.  Sandusky is out on bail yet again, I am just hoping he is placed in general population for life sometime soon and his bail money goes to pay for his incarceration so he can pay for his sins at the hands of violent criminals for the rest of his days.  I am sorry for my harsh thoughts and opinions in this Smear, but this has been one story I could not go without emphatically expressing my opinions.

The process of finding a NCAA Football Bowl Division (still D-1A to me) national champion has been the subject of endless debates.  Well, I have found the solution!  With conference re-alignment, the desire for a playoff, and complaints by small schools that they have no chance, I believe I have come up with the perfect system to end those arguments.  Starting in 2012, there will be 120 D-1A schools. The first thing I would do is establish four “super” conferences made up of 16 teams and two divisions.  After that, take the remaining 56 teams and divide them into four 14 team conferences also with two divisions.

Let me start with the 16 team conferences.  This would essentially be the Big 16 (formerly the Big 10), the Pac-16 (currently the Pac-12), the SEC, and the ACC.  Take the teams currently in the Big 12 and the Big East and place them in the conference that makes the most geographical sense.  Have a typical 12 game regular season, play 7 games against in division teams, two more against teams in the other division in the conference, and 3 games open to out of conference rivals, or cupcake games.  The winner of each division face of in conference championship games just as we have today.  The four winners of the conferences meet in a plus one playoff setup.  More on the bowl games later.

Now, for the 14 team leagues, have each of them tied to a 16 team league.  The Mountain West tied to the Pac-16, MAC to the Big 16, etc.  Have them play the 6 games against each division team, 3 against the other division, and 3 against non-conference opponents.  Here is where it gets fun, especially if you are a European soccer fan.  Have the winner of each division earn promotion to the super conference they are tied to.  Take the second place of each division and have them play a bowl game against each other to earn a third promotion spot. 

So, who would get relegated in this scenario?  Simple, the bottom team in each super conference division is sent down.  The third spot is decided by the second to last team in each division facing off in a one game playoff; winner stays up, on Heisman Saturday.  This would allow a station like ESPN to own that Saturday, have four games that actually mean something, lead up to a Heisman presentation. 

How would the bowls work?  Simple, just like they do today.  You have a .500 or better overall record, you are eligible for a bowl game.  There are 35 games this year; you simply have conference ties to each intermediate bowl game.  But in this setup, those bowl games would actually draw more attention.  Why wouldn’t a Washington State fan, whose team just avoided relegation, watch a bowl game featuring Fresno State who just earned promotion knowing that is going to be a team they will be battling the next year to stay in the super conference?  Boise State, you want to complain about not getting a shot at a national championship?  Build a squad that will get promotion, and then earn a national championship bid by winning a super conference.

But there are four BCS games; this format only feeds two games.  True, but who is really making a point to watch Michigan-Virginia Tech or West Virginia-Clemson this year?  There are always two games that nobody cares about each year, but now the conference championship game losers still make a BCS game which would create much better matchups than whatever team from the Big East currently makes it.  Keep conference ties too.  Pac and Big 16, you get the Fiesta and Rose Bowls with them alternating years between the runners up and the conference champions.  Sugar and Orange, you get the SEC and ACC, again alternating.  The ACC champ faces the SEC champ with the winner going to the National Championship Game, and the same for the Big 16 champ and the Pac-16 champ with the four BCS bowl sites alternating the National Championship Game just as they do today.

Now, I would have listened to arguments about how this would kill non-revenue sports, but as you can already see with college basketball, they are starting to just ignore football conference affiliations, so this re-alignment only applies to football.

Bill Self, University of Kansas basketball coach, runs an organization where you can give a $5 donation to his Assists Foundation which raises money for a shopping trip Kansas players and staff take each winter to buy gifts and necessities for needy families over the holidays. What does the $5 get you other than the satisfaction of donating to a charitable organization? It enters you in a raffle to have Self leave a custom-made voicemail greeting on your phone. A fantastic idea that got us thinking, what sports personalities would we want as our voicemail greeting. Well, here is a sampling of the ones we are prepared to buy a raffle ticket for:

Allen Iverson – “Voicemail. Come on people. Voicemail? We’re talking about voicemail. Not a phone conversation. Voicemail… we’re talking about voice… not a conversation. Voicemail.”

Jim Mora – “Voicemail? You’ve got to be kidding me. Voicemail? You’ve got to dial the phone first!”

John Rocker – “Leave a message you @#$%… unless of course you are a (ethnic slur), (ethnic slur), or an (derogatory word) that rides the 8 train, in which case you can go @#$% yourself.”

Rafael Palmeiro – “I have never, NEVER called, and not left a message.”

Barry Bonds – “Let me make myself clear. Leave a message, or I’ll cream you.”

Dennis Green – “You called who you thought you called.”

Roger Clemens – “In case you have misremembered, this is {insert name}’s voicemail and he will get back to you after listening to it through his third ear.”

Joe Horn – “Just found this phone under the goal post, leave your message, I gotta fine to pay.”

Stevie Johnson – “I praise you every day, and this is how you do me, you call and don’t leave a message?”

Brett Favre – “Leave a voicemail, or I will text you.”

Ricky Williams – “{the bubbling sound of a bong}”

Mark McGwire – “I am not here to discuss the past; I am here to tell you to leave a message.”

T.O. – “Talking about my quarterback man, my quarterback…oh, I don’t have one anymore? Never mind, just get some popcorn ready and leave a message.”

Randy Moss – “Straight voicemail homie.”

Mike Tyson – “I gonna eat your tildwen if you don’t weave a message.”

Matt Stairs – “When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys—there’s no better feeling than to have that done, except leaving a message.”

The Voice from Field of Dreams – “If you leave one, he will call”

Chico Escuela – “Joor message has been berry berry good to me.”

Yogi Berra – “When you come to the beep on this call…leave it.”

Jack Buck – “I don’t believe what I just heard; you don’t want to leave a message?”

Bo Jackson – “Bo knows you should leave a message.”

Muhammad Ali – “I float like a butterfly and sting like a bee, you better leave a message if you wanna hear from me.”

Patrick Roy – “Sorry, I didn’t hear what you said, I had both my Stanley Cup rings plugging my ears, leave a message instead.”

Chris Carter – “All I do is catch touchdowns, all you need to do is leave a message.”

Bert Blyleven – “See, what you do here… message.. uh… leave a call… AW @#$%, MAN, I JUST @#$%#ED THAT UP SO @#$%ING BAD, can we do that again? Oh, this is recording??? Oh I am so sorry. Please leave a message and, again, I am very sorry about that…”