Wish List for 2012

Some people make resolutions, I have requests. With the New Year just a few hours away now, depending on where you live, what better time? Without further ado:

Armchair quarterbacks need to stop second-guessing every team or competitor who was defeated, as if they know so much better than the professionals currently calling the shots, unless the situation is obvious. Earlier this year, the Vikings were playing Kansas City (I think) and were up by three touchdowns behind strong runnig from Adrian Peterson. In the second half, they decided to move away from the strategy of using AP because it seemed to be working, and duly lost. Whomever made the decision to give the ball to AP only four or five times in the entire second half should be roundy criticized by everyone and their mother… and fired. But let’s stop bagging on Brock Lesnar for not attempting enough take downs in his fight against Alistair Overeem. You do realize, all who are bagging on Brock, that Overeem would crush you, right? That includes you, Dana White. Perhaps Overeem’s entire defensive strategy involved preventing getting taken down since on the ground is where Lesnar does his most effective work. Ever think of that? Overeem is a professional after all.

When I was a kid, there were a handful of college football bowl games people cared about. Orange, Rose, Sugar, Cotton, and maybe Fiesta. Enough. Seriously, enough. I don’t have the answer to solving the idiotic labryinth that is the BCS, but what I do know is that nobody needs the Depends Undergarments Bowl so Aamish Lutheran Polytechnic can take on Eastern Oklahoma State A&M. Nobody needs the Pet Duty Pooper Scooper bowl so St. Mary’s Catholic Junior College for Blind Nuns can take on the Thousand Oaks Pop Warner B Team. In a word, it’s unnecessary.

I am all for women reporting on sports. There are some excellent ones. Suzy Kolber. Out here on the West Coast, you may know Lindsay Soto. ESPN’s Shelley Smith is superb. But for Christ’s sake, can we raise the job requirement a little bit above a pretty face and a huge rack to at least include some rudimentary knowledge of the sport they are covering? What they have now is insulting. It’s insulting to sports fans, and it’s insulting to women. If I want to see hot chicks, that’s what Google Images is for. As well as a few other sites, but we’re a family blog here so I will just let you use your imagination.

Remember how Joe Namath had to wear pantyhose because he claimed to do so in a commercial? Neither do I. But supposedly, that happened. Can we bring back that requirement, please? I want to see Jennifer Lopez cruising around in a Fiat 500. I want to see Ndamukong Suh in a Chrysler. And I want Drew Brees tested for Nyquil. It’s called truth in advertising. And I want to see some accountability. And I just got another article idea… Most memorably horrible product advertisements featuring pro athletes. That can only be awesome, right?

One game a week of the four major sports should be on HBO, Showtime, or some other channel like that. Why? I want to hear the announcers curse. You know they want to. Enough accidental f bombs have been dropped on live television before to prove that point. So, let them. Call it a treat. Do a good job for a period of time and you get rewarded by calling a game on an uncensored channel. Then you can say stuff like, “Nice run by Smith there, but a bull@#$% call by official negates that. So instead of first down, we have second and 25. What an @$$hole.

No. More. Sex. Scandals. Please. No more pro athletes’ promiscuity bandied about the media as if it was some kind of secret. Would you or I ever cheat on Elin Nordgren? Of course not. But Tiger Woods? An ego maniac with zero social development thanks to a childhood in practical isolation and a young adulthood of enabling yes men? And you were surprised? Shame on you. And all you coaches out there, stop touching the children. Stop it. When I was a child, I revered my youth sports coaches. They were kind men and women, and my dick and ass never got touched. That’s how it should be. I got hearty slaps on the back for good performances, reassuring pats on the shoulder that the next would be better after games in which I sucked. That’s how high school and college sports should be too. If you feel the urge to touch children, get help. Seriously. Get some damn help.

Lastly, someone needs to start a mega super fantasy league in which all four major sports are incorporated into a big year long sprint. All sports are treated equally in terms of how many points can be earned.  All players are in the same draft pool.  That’s right, LeBron James may first overall.  Followed by Albert Pujols. Then maybe Sidney Crosby, and Kobe Bryant, and Aaron Rodgers.  Logistical difficulty aside, this can only be epic, right? The Stain might have to step up and pioneer this.

From the Stain family to you and yours, please don’t drink and drive, and have a safe and happy New Year.

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