Well, it’s January, the month where our gyms get packed with thousands of resolutionites who have decided it’s time for them to get fit. If you’re a regular gym rat and annoyed at the sudden packedness you’re experiencing, worry not. 90% are gonna quit within six weeks and you’ll have your space back. If you’re one of the resolutionites, and plan to be one of the ten percent that doesn’t throw in the towel after a month, listen up. The Stain has your keys to success.

Disclaimer: We know more about beer than we do about most other things. Nothing in this article is intended in any way to represent us as doctors of any kind. We are merely not dumb.

Losing weight/getting in shape is a very simple equation. Caloric intake versus output. If you take in more calories than you burn, you are going to gain weight or become flabby. If you burn more than you take in, you’ll lose weight/increase your fitness. Period. The following five workout tips are all you need to succeed.

Start slow: Look, fatty. You didn’t gain it in a day, you ain’t gonna lose it in a day. Trying to fix decades of sloth with one three hour mega workout is only going to get you hurt. Now you’re fat AND injured. Not a good combo. Your first few workouts should consist of focusing on correct form and getting comfortable with the weights and equipment. Feeling some burn in your muscles? Good. Feeling shooting pains in your ligaments? You’re doing it wrong.

Tell the trainer to buzz off: Unless you are trying to tranform yourself from a Biggest Loser contestant to Mr. Universe, you don’t need professional help. If what you want is to just improve your overall health and pick up some definition, the basic excercises are more than enough. Walk or jog to warm up. Bench press, leg press, shoulder press, arm curls, pull downs, you don’t need some kid who wasn’t smart enough to major in something other than Phys Ed to teach you those.

Bring music: You’re not there to socialize. Pop in your headphones and listen to something upbeat. It will keep you moving. See a friend? Smile and nod and move on. You can talk over coffee another time.

Hold yourself accountable: If you just stopped going to work, you’d get fired, right? If you stop going to the gym, you’ll only lose your self esteem. No biggy, right? Look, it’s okay to skip a day if you’re under the weather, or that three martini lunch hasn’t made its way through your metabolic process yet. But, if you do, schedule a replacement workout on a day you weren’t originally planning on going. Same goes for when you’re there. We don’t always feel our strongest, but if you’re not the least bit tired when you’re done working out, you haven’t really tried very hard, have you?

Cut out vices incrementally: Reaching your goals involves effort, but you can speed up the process by cutting back on the stuff your dentist would kick your ass for anyway. Sucking down four Cokes every afternoon at the office? Try cutting that in half, and then againg. Voila. Hundreds of calories gone right there. And don’t be fooled by diet soda. They’re worse for you than the regular stuff. Want some ice cream? Have some. But rather than the whole tub, how about just a couple scoops?

Got it? Good. Now, a couple more things. You might be a newbie, but there are some people who are very advanced in that same gym as you, lifting heavy weights on big bars with some complicated excercises.  Watch where the hell you’re going. Accidentally clip the bar a guy is using to squat 500 pounds and you could get him killed. Like skipping rope to warm up? Great. Do it somewhere else. A jump rope can have the effect of a lasso or a noose on someone if they get caught by it. Taking this workout thing seriously? Great! We’re proud of you. Sweat is good!!!  Unless it’s somebody else’s. You might think the stuff streaming from your pores is sexy and smells like roses, but the guy patiently waiting to use the machine after you thinks it’s nasty. Have some decency and bring a towel to wipe down after yourself.

Print this, reread it in six months and look at yourself in the mirror.  You’re welcome.