Shaun was kind enough to start a weekly feature where the Stain will spotlight someone in the sports world who… well, acted like a douche. Now, I’m kind enough to offer you a double dose.

Douche #1: Phoenix Coyotes forward Raffi Torres

Talk about an idiot… this guy has a history of dirty play and in a high profile playoff series decides to take a deliberate headshot at Chicago Blackhawks star Marian Hossa. Maybe his 25 game suspension was heavy handed, maybe it wasn’t. But he hurt his team. Not to mention his wallet. He’ll forfeit 20 grand plus in salary for every game he misses next season if the Coyotes fail to make it far enough or play enough games for the suspension to run its course this season. That’s a lot of coin.

Douche #2: Metta World Peace

That should actually be enough. What kind of an idiot changes his name to that? The same kind of idiot who throws an elbow at an unsuspecting opponent, causing an injury and getting ejected right as the playoffs are approaching. He shouldn’t get 25 games, but hopefully he gets enough to have the Lakers send him packing. After all, he hasn’t done much of anything helpful this season.

Bonus Douche: Tim McCarver

Listening to him do color on baseball games is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Seriously. Retire already.

(After Posting the original, I heard of the Mike Adams positive marijuana test, so I have gone back and made a few adjustments…so here is the real final mock)

Here it is, my final mock draft before the NFL draft.  Torsten will likely be getting one out early next week, and we will be placing a friendly wager on who gets the most first round picks correct.  This will be a 3 round mock with a handful of other guys I like late in the draft.

Round 1

1) Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck – QB – Stanford

2) Washington Redskins – Robert Griffin III – QB –

3) Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil – OT – USC

4) Cleveland Browns – Trent Richardson – RB – Alabama

5) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Morris Claiborne – CB – LSU

6) St. Louis Rams – Justin Blackmon – WR – Oklahoma State

7) Jacksonville Jaguars – Melvin Ingram – OLB/DE – South Carolina

8) Miami Dolphins – Ryan Tannehill – QB – Texas A&M

9) Carolina Panthers – Fletcher Cox – DT – Mississippi State

10) Buffalo Bills – Riley Reiff – OT – Iowa

11) Kansas City Chiefs – Dontari Poe – DT – Memphis

12) Seattle Seahawks – David DeCastro – OG – Stanford

13) Arizona Cardinals – Luke Kuechly – ILB – Boston College

14) Dallas Cowboys – Mark Barron – S – Alabama

15) Philadelphia Eagles – Whitney Mercilus – OLB/DE – Illinois

16) New York Jets – Michael Floyd – WR – Notre Dame

17) Cincinnati Bengals – Stephon Gilmore – CB – South Carolina

18) San Diego Chargers – Quinton Couples – DE – North Carolina

19) Chicago Bears – Cordy Glenn – OT/OG – Georgia

20) Tennessee Titans – Peter Konz – C – Wisconsin

21) Cincinnati Bengals – Michael Brockers – DT – LSU

22) Cleveland Browns – Dre Kirkpatrick – CB – Alabama

23) Detroit Lions – Jonathan Martin – OT – Stanford  

24) Pittsburgh Steelers – Kendall Reyes – DT – UConn

25) Denver Broncos – Devon Still – DT – Penn State

26) Houston Texans – Kendall Wright – WR – Baylor

27) New England Patriots – Shea McClellin – OLB/DE – Boise State

28) Green Bay Packers – Courtney Upshaw – OLB/DE – Alabama

29) Baltimore Ravens – Dont’a Hightower – ILB – Alabama

30) San Francisco 49ers – Stephen Hill – WR – Georgia Tech

31) New England Patriots – Chandler Jones – DE – Syracuse

32) New York Giants – Coby Fleener – TE – Stanford

Round 2

33) St. Louis Rams – Janoris Jenkins – CB – North Alabama

34) Indianapolis Colts – Alfonzo Dennard – CB – Nebraska

35) Minnesota Vikings – Harrison Smith – S – Notre Dame

36) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Doug Martin – RB – Boise State

37) Cleveland Browns – Brandon Weeden – QB – Oklahoma State

38) Jacksonville Jaguars – Alshon Jeffrey – WR – South Carolina

39) St. Louis Rams – Bobby Massie – OT – Mississippi

40) Carolina Panthers – Zack Brown – OLB – North Carolina

41) Buffalo Bills – Andre Branch – DE – Clemson

42) Miami Dolphins – Josh Robinson – CB – UCF

43) Seattle Seahawks – Nick Perry – DE – USC

44) Kansas City Chiefs – Mike Adams – OT – Ohio State

45) Dallas Cowboys – Brandon Thompson – DT – Clemson

46) Philadelphia Eagles – Lavonte David – OLB – Nebraska

47) New York Jets – Bobby Wagner – OLB – Utah State

48) New England Patriots – Jerel Worthy – DT – Michigan State

49) San Diego Chargers – David Wilson – RB – Virginia Tech

50) Chicago Bears – Kevin Zeitler – OG – Wisconsin

51) Philadelphia Eagles – Jayron Hosley – CB – Virginia Tech

52) Tennessee Titans – Rueben Randle – WR – LSU

53) Cincinnati Bengals – Lamar Miller – RB – Miami (FL)

54) Detroit Lions – Trumaine Johnson – CB/S – Montana

55) Atlanta Falcons – Dwight Bentley – CB – Louisianna-Lafayette

56) Pittsburgh Steelers – Zerbie Sanders – OT – Florida State

57) Denver Broncos – Chase Minnifield – CB – Virginia

58) Houston Texans – Ben Jones – C – Georgia

59) Green Bay Packers – Vinny Curry – DE – Marshall

60) Baltimore Ravens – Markelle Martin – S – Oklahoma State

61) San Francisco 49ers – Jeff Allen – OT – Illinois

62) New England Patriots – Brandon Boykin – CB – Georgia

63) New York Giants – Mychal Kendricks – ILB – California

Round 3

64) Indianapolis Colts – Kelechi Osemele – OT – Iowa State

65) St. Louis Rams – Chris Polk – RB – Washington

66) Minnesota Vikings – Mohamed Sanu – WR – Rutgers

67) Cleveland Browns – Jared Crick – DE – Nebraska

68) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Ronnell Lewis – OLB – Oklahoma

69) Washington Redskins – Jason Criner – WR – Arizona

70) Jacksonville Jaguars – Mitchell Schwartz – OT – California

71) Buffalo Bills – Dwayne Allen – TE – Clemson

72) Miami Dolphins – Bruce Irvin – OLB – West Virginia

73) Miami Dolphins – Amini Silatolu – OG – Midwestern State

74) Kansas City Chiefs – Sean Spense – OLB – Miami (FL)

75) Seattle Seahawks – Alameda Ta’amu – DT – Washington

76) Houston Texans – Mike Martin – DT – Michigan

77) New York Jets – Brandon Taylor – S – LSU

78) San Diego Chargers – Brandon Mosley – OT – Auburn

79) Chicago Bears – Casey Hayward – CB – Vanderbilt

80) Arizona Cardinals – Chris Givens – WR – Wake Forest

81) Dallas Cowboys – Michael Brewster – C – Ohio State

82) Tennessee Titans – James Brown – OG – Troy

83) Cincinnati Bengals – Brandon Washington – OG – Miami (FL)

84) Atlanta Falcons – Billy Winn – DE – Boise State

85) Detroit Lions – Josh Kaddu – OLB – Oregon

86) Pittsburgh Steelers – George Iloka – S – Boise State

87) Denver Broncos – Brock Osweiler – QB – Arizona State

88) Philadelphia Eagles – A.J. Jenkins – WR – Illinois

89) New Orleans Saints – Cam Johnson – DE – Virginia

90) Green Bay Packers – LeMichael James – RB – Oregon

91) Baltimore Ravens – Matt McCants – OT – UAB

92) San Francisco 49ers – Isaiah Pead – RB – Cincinnati

93) New England Patriots – Senio Kelemete – OG – Washington

94) New York Giants – Philip Blake – C – Baylor

95) Oakland Raiders – Josh Norman – CB – Coastal Carolina

 

Other guys to keep an eye on:

Kirk Cousins – QB – Michigan State

Donald Stephenson – OT – Oklahoma

Orson Charles – TE – Georgia

Ladarius Green – TE – Louisianna-Lafayette

Russell Wilson – QB – Wisconsin

Michael Egnew – TE – Missouri

Malik Jackson – DE – Tennessee

James-Michael Johnson – ILB – Nevada

Chris Rainey – RB – Florida

Nick Toon – WR – Wisconsin

Ryan Lindley – QB – San Diego State

Emmanuel Acho – OLB – Texas

Tank Carder – ILB – TCU

It is never too early to start talking Cy Young in baseball, is it?  I am here to hitch my wagon to someone that is clearly the best pitcher in baseball today.  I am talking about a guy that is such a horse, he has already put together four starts.  Now, in the four starts, he did have one rough one where he only made it four and a third and gave up seven runs.  But despite that game, his ERA is still just 2.63.  In his other three starts, he has gone 8, 7, and 8 innings giving up a combined one run.  He has walked just two batters all season and has a K/9 over 6 and a WHIP of just 0.80.  He has a short wide body making him appear to be quite durable, and he may or may not have had baby fetus fat injected into his arm, giving it the fountain of youth.  I am of course talking about the one and only, 38 year old, 5’11” 270 lb. on a good day, Bartolo Colon.  His next start is against the Chicago White Sox in the only stadium big enough to hold Mr. Colon in Oakland.  His stat line just may be even better next week.  So join me while you still can, and scream from a mountain top, “I WANT BARTOLO COLON FOR CY YOUNG 2012”.  Thank you!

Yes, this will be a shameless homer piece from me. I’m entitled.

What the heck is going on with Wigan Athletic? Condemned to certain relegation a mere six weeks ago, they’ve run off four wins in five games (shoulda been five on the trot but we’ll get to that) to leap to five points clear of the drop, and apparent survival for yet another season in the top flight, before which all the pundits are likely to label them a top contender for relegation anyway. Of course, nothing is certain until it is mathematically so. They could still pick up zero points from their remaining games and get leapfrogged by two teams below them. But if they do survive this season, it will be a beautiful middle finger to the FA (Football Association). 

All season long now, and for the majority of their surprise tenure in England’s top flight of soccer, they have been victims of shocking refereeing decisions, ranging from innocent referee incompetence to full-fledged malicious and unapologetic cheating that stopped only just shy of a raised middle finger at the manager after the whistle. Oh, don’t get me wrong. Many of their 200+ top flight games the last 7 years have been refereed fairly, some calls have even gone their way. But most haven’t. While this is to be expected, as the big teams have always gotten a bit of bias from the officials, no team (I can say this with only slight bias) has been as hard done by as my beloved Latics. Over the years, they’ve had countless players sent off for marginal fouls (see Connor Sammon this year), had officials turn blind eyes while opponents throw punches (see Branislav Ivanovic this year, Paul Scholes a few years back, and more), and had too many valid goals called back and had too many illegally scored ones against them allowed to stand.

But this year has been the worst. If a conspiracy theorist ventured that forces had joined to condemn Wigan to relegation so another, potentially more profitable team could stay up, you wouldn’t be able to find evidence to the contrary. Now, did this happen? Doubtful… at least in that it was planned. But it’s undeniable that something is uneven in the scales. Right in the middle of their current hot streak, they were robbed of what could have been a win by two scarily awful decisions. Both goals scored by Chelsea were from a clear offside position, and this was the aforementioned game in which Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanovic through a clear punch in plain view of everyone and not so much of an eyelash was batted. In what amounts to a clear admission of unapologetic cheating by the officials in this game, referee’s chief Mike Riley actually issued an apology to Wigan… though paraphrased it could easily translate to, “Sorry, lads, we just can’t have a club of your size taking up a spot in the Prem anymore. Best of luck in the Championship next season.”

Lo and behold, six from a possible six against Man U and Arsenal, and my beloved scrappy little team that could is on the verge of another miracle top flight survival. I wait with bated breath to throw my middle finger at the FA…

On another note, I was recently pleased to find out I might possibly NOT be the only Wigan fan in North America. I have no idea, actually, where Ned Brown may be geographically, but it’s good to know I’m not the only horse in the race!  Again, I don’t think that bias has anything to do with it, but you can click here for a sample of Ned’s work as a Wigan Athletic correspondent for ESPN.

When we started this blog, we knew we had to refrain from any explicit language, and keep some relative integrity while still toeing the line and having fun with sports for us to be taken seriously at all. Now, we may be stepping out with Douche of the Week, but we are The Stain, and MTV can use the word, so why not us. Plus, as we have made clear, apparently journalistic integrity is the equivalent of a quality start these days….around average will do. All that being said, we have decided to institute a new weekly column where one of us calls out somebody in sports that simply made us shake our head or laugh at them. This won’t be where you find a Sandusky or Josh Lueke article, those will stand on their own, but more a light hearted douche.

The inagural recipient(s) are the A’s TV announcers. Now, I can’t say for sure if it was infamous catcher Ray Fosse or partner Glen Kuiper, but one said one of the most heartlessly comedic comments I have heard in a long time. Tommy Milone was the pitcher, who despite my personal bias cannot be considered a hard thrower, threw a fastball that probably only hit about 87 mph. Can’t remember the batter, but irrelevant in this story as the pitch was fouled off, and that is when the real story begins. The swing just redirects the ball enough to make catcher Kurt Suzuki to miss it, taking the redirect directly into the….how do I say this delicately…nut sack. (You are reading The Stain, we don’t say things delicately, back off) Suzuki immediate falls to the ground in the fetal position and when watching the replay, even the announcers voices get high. Suzuki gets up after a minute or two and finishes the inning, which is just another two pitches. Now, you know the one thing he wants to do is walk into the tunnel and lay down and pray for the nausea to go away, but he got to bat second in the next half inning. Now, despite all this, he gets a fastball out over the plate and puts a drive on it. The ball carries in pitcher friendly SafeCo Field, but is run down at the warning track…then the Douche of the Week winning comment comes from the booth. “Unfortunately, just an upper body swing on that one. He didn’t get much of his lower body into the swing and that cost him a home run.” Really?!?! I get you are homer announcers, but you are gonna complain about a guy who less than five minutes earlier took a fastball to the junk didn’t get enough lower body into a swing? Any other, and I mean any other, comment would have done there. “He just didn’t quite square that one up.” or “Not quite long enough on that one.” or even “Drives the ball hard, just didn’t have enough there.” (Apply your own gutter scenario to those comments now) But don’t complain that a guy who just took a ball to the balls didn’t get enough lower body into the swing. For that A’s announcers, you are the Douche(s) of the Week.

Bonus Douche: This will certainly be a repetitive feature here, and that would be Don and Jerry on NESN calling the Red Sox games. While they are horrible announcers (not in the White Sox variety, but just in baseball knowledge brought to the game) they are must watch TV. In the third inning of today’s Sox-Rays game, they spent and entire half inning discussing the bird watching club in attendance, wondering what they do at night, bringing up bats, and wondering if bats were considered birds. Meanwhile, there is a baseball game going on in front of them, and they describe none of it…meanwhile Don’s 6ish year old daughter is on her iPhone, tweeting that even she knows bats aren’t birds and that her father is a moron. Bravo NESN!

If you are anything like me, you work in an office where the women are gossiping about what they just read on TMZ while the men are discussing what is on ESPN.  Sometimes, the two collide in a storm that makes me want to put my head through a brick wall.  One such story is Lamar Odom being placed on the inactive list for the remainder of the season by the Dallas Mavericks.  I hear Laker fans wondering if he will be back next year, while I hear someone see it on TMZ and discuss Lamar and Khloe are moving back to LA.  We often forget that TV stars and athletes are human.  People take personal leaves of absence at times.  So before people discuss that dumb jock on a reality show, or how bad Lamar has played this season, take a look at the man.  This is a guy who was born to a heroin addicted father and lost his mother at the age of twelve.  He was then raised by his grandmother and bounced between three different high schools in a matter of just two years.  All the while, he was able to excel at basketball, being named a high school All American by many outlets.  He received a scholarship to go to UNLV, where he was quickly involved in a scandal.  He received $5,600 from a booster at UNLV as part of a much larger scandal that led to the head coach being fired and the school being placed on probation.  He then transferred to the University of Rhode Island to be closer to home.  He played one season before entering the NBA draft.  He has played for the Clippers, Heat, Lakers, and most recently the Mavericks.  But playing in the NBA has not prevented him from experiencing great personal pain.  His grandmother, whom raised him after his mother died, passed in 2004.  Then in 2006, Lamar went back to New York for his Aunt’s funeral, while in New York, he went to his 6 ½ month old son’s crib only to find him dead due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  He admitted it took him nearly a year and a half before he even let himself mourn the death of his son.  Then he met and married Khloe Kardashian, where he became the butt of many reality show jokes.  Then, this past summer, when in New York shooting a Nike commercial, his planned changed as he had to attend the funeral of his cousin who had been shot and killed.  The day after the funeral, he was a passenger riding in New York, when the vehicle he was riding in collided with a motorcycle.  The driver of the motorcycle was fine, but the motorcycle slid onto the sidewalk and into a 15 year old boy…killing him.  So, before you make a snarky comment based on something you read on TMZ, or criticize Lamar for not finishing out the season with the Mavericks, take a look at the man’s life, see what he has had to deal with and overcome, and have a little compassion for a man that is simply taking time to find mental peace and put himself back in a decent mindset in life.  Before you laugh at the next headline on Deadspin, TMZ, Access Hollywood, or ESPN, look in the mirror, and remember that person you were about to laugh at is a person too, and just because they are famous, just might be going through some pretty tough times.

What good is it being a fan if you can’t overreact to the events of the first series of the season (for most teams, anyway)? Seriously, overreacting is the last remnant of our childhood we can safely do when it comes to sports and not worry too much about jail time. Other things, jail. Almost certainly. But not the start of the season. Right?
Observation 1: Yu Darvish looked ordinary against Seattle, with poor command and little deception. Send him back to the J League.
Reality: People forget, Yu is basically a kid. He was trying too hard so his normally awesome movement was off. Once he settles down, he’ll be fine. Really, he’ll probably never win a Cy Young, but neither did Hideo Nomo and that dude threw two no hitters.
Observation 2: Wow, the Red Sox Suck! Last place AL East, here we come!
Reality: sigh… They don’t suck completely. It’s mainly just Alfredo Aceves and Bobby Valentine’s idiotic notion that you can turn a swing guy into an effective closer. And the rest of the bullpen too… And Jarrod Saltalamacchia…
Observation 3: Yeonis Cespedes has POWER!!!
Reality: Really? Good for him. Let him at least finish this season before enshrining him, will ya?
Observation 3: Aaron Harang is terrible.
Reality: My GOD is he bad. What was Ned Colletti thinking? Oh right, he’s incapable of logical thought, hence a two year deal for Harang. How is he even employed?
Observation 4: The Yankees blow!
Reality: No team with a payroll on a beeline for a billion dollars should conceivably suck, but wouldn’t it be karmically awesome if they did?
Observation 5: Wow, the umpiring has gotten bad!
Reality: It has been for a while, and will continue to be until officials have to be accountable for their calls. There are some guys like Jim Joyce who, if they screw up a call, you know it’s an honest mistake. But there are more, like Angel Hernandez, where you have to wonder. If you think the Tim Donaghy fiasco was limited to just him or just basketball, you’re delusional.
In closing, can I just say how happy I am that college basketball is done, baseball is here, as are the NHL playoffs? Well, I’m gonna say it anyway. I’m thrilled.

When was the last time you watched something live and thought to yourself, “Holy @#$%, that just happened, and I will never see anything like it again.” 

Louie Oosthuizen just drained a double eagle on the par 5 second at the masters from about 260 yards.

Then he winged the ball into the crowd. Come on, Louie. EBAY YOU FOOL!!!

You suck. Seriously, you f***ing suck.

Why, do you ask? Well, let me tell you. How else can you possibly describe a magazine that dedicates 65 consecutive pages of one issue to one meaningless game between the Miami Heat and Chicago Bulls, or the players involved in said meaningless game? Seriously, pages 53 through 118 are dedicated to one game, LeBron, Derrick Rose, Shane Battier, the bathrooms in the arena, and several other things that nobody except the most ardent fans of one team or the other could feasibly be interested in. Seriously, who could possibly care outside of people who live in Miami or Chicago, or have some misguided bandwagon loyalty to either team? Last I checked there were 50 states in the US, and not everybody likes freakin’ basketball! Most don’t hate it like I do, but still. I’d consider reading a human interest piece on a player… that wasn’t 2/3rds of an entire magazine long.

So why, Torsten, do you pay for this subscription? For the fantasy advice from the website’s insiders, I answer. And that part of ESPN is usually fairly insightful and entertaining, if not altogether accurate.

Torsten, is it possible that you are just upset because Dodger pitching just walked four consecutive hitters (for a total of six in the inning) and then hit a guy to let a 5-0 lead evaporate against the lowly Padres? Possible, yes. I admit.

Dear ESPN The Magazine. You still f***ing suck. It’s not even playoffs in the basketball season, yet you presume you will interest people with that crap. It IS mere days away from the playoffs in the NHL and the best you can come up with is Nikolai Khabibulin’s goalie mask collection?

Seriously, you suck. You. F***ing suck. I’m going to go back to reading you now, because I’m a glutton for punishment. Not the basketball part though. Because basketball is the most ridiculous sport in the world. Score 100 points and lose? For real…

No, really, what happened to it?  Starting my sophmore year of high school until this year, I have played hookie or called in sick to work every opening day.  It was always fantastic.  Wake up, games start at 10 AM here on the West Coast.  Games on all day, always drama, often times it falls on the same day as the NCAA national championship game, so after 9 hours of baseball, I get to watch the night game while flipping over to a championship game during commercials.  Sit around all day, BBQ some hot dogs, order a pizza, have a few beers, and just watch baseball all day.  I mastered it a few years back when I first bought the MLB app on the iPhone and subscribed to the MLB TV online.  Suddenly I was flipping between two or three games on TV, had a game on my computer, and another on my phone.  All the while tracking my fantasy teams.  Nothing better.  Doors open, always a sunny day with a calm breeze…just a perfect day.  I didn’t even mind when they added the Opening Night game on ESPN.  Then, last year, they move Opening Day to Thursday.  So I get the dilema of choosing to take true Opening Day off, or take Friday off.  I chose Friday since there were more games that day than Thursday.  Then this year, they do the opening series in Japan, wait a week, hold opening night.  Then half the league opens today, then have tomorrow off while the other half of the league opens tomorrow.  This is the first time in over ten years I have decided not to take the day off.  It doesn’t feel like there is a real opening day.  The joyful feel of opening day is gone.  Today doesn’t seem so sunny.  The breeze not so refreshingly crisp.  The drama not so dramatic.  The game I feel has found perfection in it’s simplistic complexity suddenly feels flawed.  So please Mr. Selig, I am begging you, bring Opening Day back to the beautiful occassion it is meant to be.  Give us 15 games on a Monday, starting early in the morning, ending late into the evening, and fill our senses with what I consider to be the greatest day of the year.