Dear ESPN The Magazine

You suck. Seriously, you f***ing suck.

Why, do you ask? Well, let me tell you. How else can you possibly describe a magazine that dedicates 65 consecutive pages of one issue to one meaningless game between the Miami Heat and Chicago Bulls, or the players involved in said meaningless game? Seriously, pages 53 through 118 are dedicated to one game, LeBron, Derrick Rose, Shane Battier, the bathrooms in the arena, and several other things that nobody except the most ardent fans of one team or the other could feasibly be interested in. Seriously, who could possibly care outside of people who live in Miami or Chicago, or have some misguided bandwagon loyalty to either team? Last I checked there were 50 states in the US, and not everybody likes freakin’ basketball! Most don’t hate it like I do, but still. I’d consider reading a human interest piece on a player… that wasn’t 2/3rds of an entire magazine long.

So why, Torsten, do you pay for this subscription? For the fantasy advice from the website’s insiders, I answer. And that part of ESPN is usually fairly insightful and entertaining, if not altogether accurate.

Torsten, is it possible that you are just upset because Dodger pitching just walked four consecutive hitters (for a total of six in the inning) and then hit a guy to let a 5-0 lead evaporate against the lowly Padres? Possible, yes. I admit.

Dear ESPN The Magazine. You still f***ing suck. It’s not even playoffs in the basketball season, yet you presume you will interest people with that crap. It IS mere days away from the playoffs in the NHL and the best you can come up with is Nikolai Khabibulin’s goalie mask collection?

Seriously, you suck. You. F***ing suck. I’m going to go back to reading you now, because I’m a glutton for punishment. Not the basketball part though. Because basketball is the most ridiculous sport in the world. Score 100 points and lose? For real…

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