The NFL draft for many of us like Christmas morning for children.  The anticipation builds up as your team is picking soon, kind of like that present over by the tree that has your name on it… but there’s still a few in front of it.  And then finally, it comes.  You’re either elated when your team picks that stud or disappointed when the present is undersized sweatsocks from grandma. 

Shaun and I have a different perspective on football.  He’s a Patriots fan, so he expects playoff football every Winter, and not to have a consistently good draft position.  Not that it matters particularly in New England, they consistently draft good value there.  No better example is Tom Brady in the sixth round, ten years ago. 

I’m a Rams fan, so I have gotten used to perpetual sucking, despite a brief three year period of reprieve during the Kurt Warner best show on turf era.  I’ve also gotten used to perpetual awful drafting by a front office whose collective IQ wouldn’t scare a new mother looking at her new baby’s thermometer.  Until, of course, last year.  Billy Devaney is the new front office boss, Sam Bradford is in town, and things are looking up. 

So it only makes sense for me to rant as our two teams are the ones who clearly had the worst drafts.  I’ll start with Shaun’s team, as they didn’t do quite as horribly as mine.

Patriots:  Nate Solder in the first round was eye-opening.  At 6 foot 9, his size no doubt had scouts drooling at a bookend tackle for years to come… except that he’s not strong and lacks technique. He may be a good offensive lineman one day, but for now he’s a project, something the Pats could ill afford to take on as they try to milk as many remaining good years out of Tom Brady’s increasingly rickety body as they can. They also inexplicably picked Ryan Mallett. I actually think he’s pretty good, but they don’t need an heir apparent or someone to motivate Brady. If they figured he was the best player available there, and he might have been, why not trade the pick and get more picks? I don’t see Shane Vereen or Stevan Ridley adding anything to the running game that isn’t already there.  And Marcus Cannon, who is a nice player, is currently undergoing chemotherapy for lymphoma. Not saying he shouldn’t have been drafted by someone, but not a team who needs more immediate solutions to impending line issues. They did little to address a poor pass rush, something in the AFC East you can’t get away with for long, until the end rounds.  Never heard of either of these guys and they might turn out to be good, but for now, the whole thing just looks dubious to me. The NFL works cyclically when it comes to runs of success or futility (unless you’re the Lions and even they are showing signs of improvement) and the Pats are sneaking up on the end of theirs.  Because they’re well coached, cheat shamelessly, and the players are committed to the system (evidenced by continual overachieving from guys like BenJarvus Green Ellis and Danny Woodhead), it won’t be as obvious when their success comes to an end because it won’t happen rapidly, but after this draft, that’s the direction they’re headed.

Grade: D-

Rams: I haven’t done the research, but I would venture to guess that never in NFL history has a team ended up with zero measurable contributors to success of any kind out of a draft class.  Until possibly now.  The three most glaring needs on this team were secondary, outside linebacker, and a viable backup to Steve Jackson who may assume the full time role in a couple of years. Bet you thought I was going to say receiver, right?  More on that later.  First round pick Robert Quinn has some ability but has a (currently benign) brain tumor and missed a year for NCAA misconduct. Do you really need to take a guy with two glaring red flags to address a pass rush when the one you had wasn’t bad to begin with, and Prince Amakamura was still on the board to address a dreadful secondary? Neither Boise State’s Austin Pettis nor Hawaii’s Greg Salas even resemble upgrades over what they already have (Danny Amendola, Danario Alexander, et al) and what can easily be retained (Donny Avery, Mark Clayton) Both Pettis and Salas were passable college players but had numbers seriously inflated by their schools’ ridiculously aggressive offensive schemes.  If either or both make the team, it will only be because they were drafted.  They aren’t good.  The ONLY redeemable pick is Stephen F. Austin linebacker Jabara Williams in the 7th round, who may be another London Fletcher one day.  Worst case scenario, Quinn’s medical issues worsen and he never sees the field, all the aforementioned players are as bad as I think and they never see the field (special teams aside) and Williams isn’t as good as I think he may be.  On the bright side, the third string tight end they used their second round pick on is named Lance.  I’ve always thought that was a cool name.

Grade: F  I would put it lower but all my research and three bud lights later, I haven’t found a letter grading system that goes lower than F.

Not everyone can draft horribly, right?  They didn’t. Two teams stood out to me. And it’s basically because they drafted to fill needs with good players.  I don’t buy the “best player available” philosophy because, if Atlanta for example went that direction, they may have taken Blaine Gabbert so he could rot behind Matt Ryan.  Nobody, in my opinion, made out better than these next two teams:

Houston Texans: They used their first five picks to address a cataclysmic defense that has been their constant undoing. J.J Watt will start immediately on the defensive line opposite Mario Williams, giving them an immediately improved pass rush that will mask other deficiencies that still exist. Arizona OLB Brooks Reed was the perfect in the second round, and all three defensive backs that followed in the ensuing rounds project to be viable NFL contributors. Admittedly, I know little if anything about their end round picks but who cares? If your first five pan out the way your hoped, nobody is going to care what happened with the last three.

Grade: A

San Francisco 49rs: Aldon Smith and Colin Kaepernick were two of the best players in the draft. It appears the organization is finally ready to admit they screwed the pooch with Alex Smith and Kaepernick is in my opinion the quarterback who will have the most success out of this whole draft.  I just don’t see Cam Newton and his gigantic ego succeeding, and I think Kaepernick will be better than Gabbert.  And they nabbed him in the SECOND ROUND! Kendall Hunter was also a great pick to offset Frank Gore’s punishing running style with a little lightning quickness. Again, don’t know too many of the late round guys, but when the talking heads who are instructed to come up with flaws about guys and talk about things like, “doesn’t have the makings of a superstar,” who in the 5th round does? At that point, you want to fill needs. Quarterback was the only glaring hole which they filled, and they got help at practically all other spots.  It kills me a little inside to say this because the niners are my hated rival but they had the second best draft this year.

Grade: A minus

Moving on, what the hell is going on in Atlanta? Bobby Cox retires and all of a sudden it’s idiot season? Within a week, Derek Lowe gets busted for DUI, probably the stupidest thing for any athlete to do because they can ALL AFFORD CABS, and pitching coach Roger McDowell threatens a fan? WTF!?

 

1) Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton – QB – Auburn – Jimmy Clausen is not very good, the Panthers need a face of the franchise, Cam is the guy.  Plus, Clausen will actually push Newton since he was a second round pick.  Not a good pick if they want to compete, but the right pick to hold over the fan base for another couple years.

2) Denver Broncos – Marcel Dareus – DT – Alabama – Disrupter from the inside and ask any expert, building a franchise from the line of scrimmage back is the way to go.  Dareus is arguably the best talent in the draft, and he will have a Suh type impact this year.  A good draft, and this is a great start, could make the Broncos a legit threat at the AFC West.

3) Buffalo Bills – Von Miller – OLB – Texas A&M – The best part of the Bills 4-time Super Bowl losers was a scary good linebacking corp.  Add Von Miller to the outside with Andra Davis, Reggie Torbor, and whatever is left of Shawne Merriman and whatever may come of Aaron Maybin, and this could be one of the best unknown linebacking units in the league.

4) Cincinnati Bengals – A.J. Green – WR – Georgia – Best receiver in the draft, no TO, no Ocho….easy pick.  They could easily go with Blaine Gabbert here, but the Bengals have always been stubborn, and they will call Carson Palmer’s bluff of retirement, and risk going into next season without a quarterback.

5) Arizona Cardinals – Blaine Gabbert – QB – Missouri – Is it just me or does he look like a young Jeremy Roenick?  If Arizona takes him and doesn’t improve that offensive line soon, Gabbert’s face might follow Roenick’s career path too.

6) Cleveland Browns – Robert Quinn – DE – North Carolina – Simply put, the highest upside at a position of need left on the board.  Quinn will be a premier pass rusher early on, he very well may wear down since he had to sit out last year, but the Browns season will be done before that, so no one will notice.

7) San Francisco 49ers – Patrick Peterson – CB – LSU – This was my easiest pick and this just may be the quickest first round pick ever submitted.  Peterson will fit in great in San Francisco, and while he won’t be a pro bowler in year one, he will be by year three.

8) Tennessee Titans – Nick Fairley – DT – Auburn – The defense struggled last year and could really use a big man in the middle again.  Luckily, Nick Fairley’s stock has fallen, and while many are projecting for hime to fall past here, I think this would be an absolute steal for the Titans.

9) Dallas Cowboys – Tyron Smith – OT – USC – Great body, ready to play right away, probably fits best at right tackle, and that is the spot the Cowboys need most.  Protect the face of the franchise, Tony Romo, give time for an excellent receiving core to get open and open holes for a well above average running game.  Anyone but Smith would be a mistake here.

10) Washington Redskins – Julio Jones – WR – Alabama – Quick, name the last stud receiver the Redskins have had….exactly, they haven’t had one since Art friggin Monk.  Julio will be a field stretching big play threat and will actually be a very productive addition to the ‘Skins.

11) Houston Texans – Prince Amukamara – CB – Nebraska – This is probably the first spot you will see a team trade back.  You just may get a team or two afraid of the Vikings going after Jake Locker at 12, so they will be calling Houston, but if the Texans have to make the pick, they should go after Prince.  One of the worst pass defenses in the league, and Prince will help.  Not the biggest impact guy, and probably not a value here, but a solid pick none the less.

12) Minnesota Vikings – Da’Quan Bowers – DE – Clemson – Had microfracture surgery on his knee which makes him a huge red flag, but if there is a team that can afford the risk on a top of the draft talent it is Minnesota.  If Da’Quan busts, they have a defense that can bounce back, if he is an all pro, they can win on defense alone.  They need a QB, but defensive line is the right path to go here.

13) Detroit Lions – Aldon Smith – DE – Missouri – Another pick/spot I am not happy with.  The Lions have other needs, but none that quite fit the value in this spot.  Smith will be a solid player, and excellent compliment to Suh, but the Lions could benefit more from trading back here and accumulating picks.

14) St. Louis Rams – Corey Liuget – DT – Illinois – Liuget is legit…sorry too easy.  He is a great fit here.  The three biggest needs for the Rams is d-line, linebacker, and wide receiver.  The first three rounds have great depth at receiver, and this is a terrible draft for linebackers.  Go best available here, and there is no better fit for St. Louis than Liuget here.

15) Miami Dolphins – Mark Ingram – RB – Alabama – What else can I say?  He has been here on every mock I have put together, posted or otherwise.  I have tried to create mocks without him here, but can’t.  Probably means he won’t go here, but I am going to stick with it.

16) Jacksonville Jaguars – Ryan Kerrigan – DE – Purdue – He has a nose for the quarterback, and would fit into this defensive line well.  Kerrigan pick here would help add to a defense that is slowly becoming a great unit.  A good draft this year and next year, and this team could be a great fit in LA….

17) New England Patriots (from Oakland Raiders) – Cameron Jordan – DE – Cal – He can play with his hand down or standing up outside.  At 6’5″ 290 lbs., he can even slide inside.  Basically, he can play 3 positions and on that Patriot defense, that would be an amazing fit.

18) San Diego Chargers – J.J. Watt – DE – Wisconsin – Watt can play inside or out, the Chargers need help on the entire line outside of Castillo, Watt is best available, and is a good fit.  Enough said.

19) New York Giants – Anthony Costanzo – OT – The first or second best tackle in the draft on a line that desparetly needs help.  He is hands down the best available lineman here, a very simple pick.

20) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Adrian Clayborn – DE – Iowa – In the event you are new to The Stain, I will let you in on a bit of a secret…I have a huge man crush on the entire Bucs roster.  Love what they have done with their offense, granted they could use RB depth, and they are doing impressive things on their defense.  Clayborn will be disruptive off the end, and McCoy will only get better…makes for a great, young defensive line.  Look out!

21) Kansas City Chiefs – Muhammed Wilkerson – DE/DT – Temple – Glen Dorsey, Tyson Jackson, Tamba Hali, Muhammed Wilkerson…get to know those four as this could be the most dominating front 4 in the league very, very soon.

22) Indianapolis Colts – Gabe Carimi – OT – Wisconsin – Last year’s Outland Trophy winner for best college offensive tackle, standing 6’7” and pushing 315 lbs., giving Peyton Manning more time from the blind side…scary.  They have missed on offensive lineman in the past, but Carimi won’t be a miss.

23) Philadelphia Eagles – Mike Pouncey – OG/C – Florida – Maybe getting more credit because of the play of his brother last year, but will still be a top notch offensive lineman.  The Eagles need help on the interior of the offensive line, and Pouncey is by far the best guy available in the draft this year.

24) New Orleans Saints – Phil Taylor – DT – Baylor – He is HUGE!!!  The all black uniforms of the Saints won’t be slimming for Phil Taylor.  He will plug plenty of holes in a division that has powerful runners like Michael Turner, MJD, and Jonathan Stewart.  A run stuffing defensive tackle will be a big time improvement for this team.

25) Seattle Seahawks – Jake Locker – QB – Washington – He could stay home as the University of Washington is very close to Seattle.  His coach would know him well thanks to Pete Carroll’s time at USC.  Seattle needs a QB…all makes for a perfect fit.

26) Baltimore Ravens – Jimmy Smith – CB – Colorado – If it wasn’t for character issues, he would be a top half of the first round pick.  Great fit in Baltimore and a defense that is known for being a dominating defense.  Youth in the secondary will be beneficial…and if he gets out of line, Zbikowski will knock him out.

27) Atlanta Falcons – Nate Solder – OT – Colorado – A big, talented offensive lineman for a line that is below average will help and already explosive offense.  Matt Ryan’s veins will be a little cooler knowing Solder has his back.

28) New England Patriots – Justin Houston – OLB – Georgia – Pass rush is a huge need, and Cameron Jordan will be a help with the first pick, and assuming the Patriots keep this pick, the pass rush and front seven will be solid for years to come.

29) Chicago Bears – Derrick Sherrod – OT – Mississippi St. – There was a drunken naked man running through Chicago this week asking people if they believed Jay Cutler really hurt his knee.  Had the Bears already had Sherrod, this never would have happened.  Ask the families in the neighborhood where the naked guy was asking about Cutler’s health was running around who they want the Bears to draft.  Enough said…just too good a story to change this explanation, and I truly still believe Sherrod will go here.

30) New York Jets – Jabaal Sheard – DE – Pitt – Team needs a pass rush, could use a defensive tackle, but not a good value here, so Sheard will be a good pick off the edge.

31) Pittsburgh Steelers – Brandon Harris – CB – Miami – There is no question the biggest need for the Steelers is a corner.  Harris could be a huge addition to defend teams that go 3 or 4 wide.  If they had him last year, maybe they win the Super Bowl.  No telling what is to come next year, but this is a great move to try and make the next step.

32) Green Bay Packers – Cameron Heyward – DE – Ohio State – The defending champions could use more pash rush to take a bit of pressure off their aging secondary.  Heyward is a big body that can cause some havoc from the line and would be a steal for a championship team.

Round two

33) New England Patriots (from Carolina Panthers) – Danny Watkins – OG – Baylor

34) Buffalo Bills – Andy Dalton – QB – TCU

35) Cincinnati Bengals – Titus Young – WR – Boise State

36) Denver Broncos – Akeem Ayers – OLB – UCLA

37) Cleveland Browns – Aaron Williams – CB – Texas

38) Arizona Cardinals – Rodney Hudson – C – Florida State

39) Tennessee Titans – Ryan Mallett – QB – Arkansas

40) Dallas Cowboys – Rahim Moore – S – UCLA

41) Washington Redskins – Benjamin Ijalana – OT – Villanova

42) Houston Texans – Marvin Austin – DT – North Carolina

43) Minnesota Vikings – Stephen Paea – DT – Oregon State

44) Detroit Lions – Bruce Carter – OLB – North Carolina

45) San Francisco 49ers – Brooks Reed – DE – Arizona

46) Denver Broncos (from Miami Dolphins) – Kyle Randolph – TE – Notre Dame

47) St. Louis Rams – Leonard Hankerson – WR – Miami (FL)

48) Oakland Raiders – Clint Boling – OG – Georgia

49) Jacksonville Jaguars – Torrey Smith – WR – Maryland

50) San Diego Chargers – Jonathon Baldwin – WR – Pitt

51) Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Ras-I Dowling – CB – Virginia

52) New York Giants – Quan Sturdivant – ILB – North Carolina

53) Indianapolis Colts – Christian Ballard – DT – Iowa

54) Philadelphia Eagles – Brandon Burton – CB – Utah

55) Kansas City Chiefs – Martez Wilson – OLB – Illinois

56) New Orleans Saints – Kelvin Sheppard – ILB – LSU

57) Seattle Seahawks – John Moffitt – OG – Wisconsin

58) Baltimore Ravens – Randall Cobbs- WR – Kentucky

59) Atlanta Falcons – Jerrel Jernigan – WR – Troy

60) New England Patriots – Mikel Leshoure – RB – Illinois

61) San Diego Chargers (from New York Jets) – Curtis Brown – CB – Texas

62) Chicago Bears – Jarvis Jenkins – DT – Clemson

63) Pittsburgh Steelers – James Carpenter – OG – Alabama

64) Green Bay Packers – Allen Bailey- DE – Miami (FL)

For those of you who did not see, the other day Real Madrid faced off against bitter rival F.C. Barcelona in the Copa Del Rey final. In the 104th minute, Cristiano Rinaldo headed in the lone goal, giving Real Madrid they first Copa Del Rey title since 1993.  About 4:15 am, Real Madrid was touring the city of Madrid atop a double decker bus showing off the trophy to near 60,000 supporters.  That is when one of the greatest moments in celebration history happened.  Sergio Ramos lifted the trophy, and reminded us all why soccer players don’t use their hands, dropping the trophy to the ground, where it was run over slightly by the front bumper of the bus.  A group of cops had to come out and pry the trophy out from beneath the bus.  Thank you Sergio Ramos, you have saved The Stain from Smearer’s block!

Every once in a while, you hear a story that reminds you of the good in sports…none of these are that story.

 

Canseco Brothers – It is well known that Jose Canseco is a nut job.  But what can go under the radar at times is the fact he has a brother, Ozzie, who looks just like him, that is just as big a mess.  Whether it is an autograph session, a reality tv show, or even the bedroom with ones wife, there are questions as to which was who, when, and where.  The most recent came in a celebrity boxing match.  Jose was given $5k in advance with another $5k to be received after the fight.  Jose didn’t feel like fighting, so Ozzie decided to show up for the fight instead.  What the two failed to consider is the fact Jose has tattoos on his arms that Ozzie does not.  Needless to say, it was found out the wrong Canseco was discovered and the final $5k was not delivered and the fight was cancelled.

Mario Balotelli – The European footballer, again, soccer, that game you play with your feet, with Manchester City recently got bored.  Typically that wouldn’t be news, a guy gets bored at the facilities, plays some pool, maybe throws darts….well, he did the latter, at kids!!!  While bored he picked up darts, opened the window, and took aim at the youth team.  Naturally, as a player in a sport that isn’t allowed to use your hands, he missed on every shot.

Dez Bryant – Remember when you were 14, hanging at the mall with your pants too low, making fun of the mall security guards, giving cat calls to the girls while making fun of the nerds at the arcade?  Well, apparently Dez Bryant still is.  He recently added to his MALL RAP SHEET when he and his group of friends were asked to pull up their pants.  They proceeded to make a scene, and Dez was mentioned in yet another incident report at a Dallas area mall.  He was also recently sued for almost $1 million in legal fees and the cost of unpaid jewelry.  Add that to money “borrowed” after being suspended by the NCAA, the 6 figure dinner he paid for after refusing to carry Roy Williams pads, and we now know who is most desperate for the NFL lockout to end.

David Ferrer – Midway through the second set of his match at the Sony Ericsson Open, Ferrer got frustrated by a crying baby in the stands.  So he did what anyone named Ferrer or Balotelli would do, he hit a tennis ball into the stands in the direction of the baby.  He missed, and lost the match.  After he blamed indigestion for his loss…wonder what he blames for missing the baby.

Ballz Deep Draft Podcast

Torsten:

AL East: Red Sox

AL Central: Twins

AL West: Rangers

Wild Card: Angels

AL MVP: Joe Mauer

AL Cy Young: Brian Matusz

 

NL East: Phillies

NL Central: Reds

NL West: Giants (as he punches himself in the face for making this pick)

Wild Card: Atlanta

NL MVP: Andre Ethier

NL Cy Young: Ubaldo Jimenez

 

World Series: Twins over Phillies in 6

 

Shaun:

AL East: Red Sox

AL Central: Tigers

AL West: Rangers

Wild Card: A’s (yup, went against my original division preview)

AL MVP: Adrian Gonzalez

AL Cy Young: Jon Lester

 

NL East: Braves

NL Central: Reds

NL West: Rockies

Wild Card: Brewers

NL MVP: Jay Bruce

NL Cy Young: Tommy Hanson

 

World Series: Red Sox over Braves in 5

So normally, The Stain pays very little attention to tennis, seeing as it’s virtually impossible to drink beer and play effectively at the same time.  However, some pretty funny stuff happened at Indian Wells last week.  Xavier Malisse and his partner Alex Dolgopolov lost in the doubles final to super stud team Roger Federer and Stanislas Wawrinka.  You may be asking yourself, who? Everyone knows who Federer is but not Wawrinka.  Why?  Who cares, it’s tennis.  But anyway, Federer and Wawrinka are probably the best doubles team out there.  They rarely play doubles due to Federer’s overwhelming schedule of singles matches, but they are the defending Olympic gold medalists, and rarely lose when they play.  If anyone would have a chance to wrest the number one doubles ranking from Bob and Mike Bryan, it would be those guys. 

So the funny part is this. Evidently, Malisse and Dolgopolov were hitting some balls back and forth a couple of hours before the deadline to enter the doubles tournament and a version of the following paraphrased conversation happened.

Malisse: “Hey, wanna play doubles?”

Dolgopolov: “With who?  We’re the only ones out here.”

Malisse: “I meant in the tournament.”

Dolgopolov: “Oh. Sure, why not.”

Fast forward to the tournament, they went on a winning streak that included toppling the Bryan brothers on the way to the finals. That’s where the cinderella train came to an end, but only after a super tiebreak, which is a weird 10 point tiebreaker employed when… well, when nobody has won yet. They may not have won, but not bad for a couple guys who joined the tournament on a whim and HAD NEVER COMPETED AS A TEAM BEFORE.

Closing Thought:  I’m going to go out on a limb and venture to say that nobody in the entire country has a perfect March Madness bracket anymore.  Either Butler or Virginia Commonwealth are going to be in the finals and anyone who says they called that one is a liar. 

Other Closing Thought: Why not close with a blatant homer moment. There can’t be a team God hates more than the Los Angeles Kings. I guess he wasn’t paying attention to their excellent play of late, but decided to address it with catastrophic injuries to their two best players, Anze Kopitar and Justin Williams, within a 6 day period.  F. M. L.

When listening to an ESPN podcast, a question came up about which fictional baseball character the guys would take in a fantasy draft.  That then spawned us at The Stain to hold our own fictional fantasy draft.  There were three of us, and you might be surprised by who doesn’t get drafted.

 

Torsten:

P) Kenny Powers – Round 3

P) Sidd Finch – Round 6

P) Sam Malone – Round 8

P) Ed Harris – Round 10

IF) Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez – Round 2

IF) Clue Haywood – Round 5

OF) Roy Hobbs – Round 1

OF) Juan Primo- Round 7

C) Jack Parkman- Round 4

Utility) Jimmy Duggan- Round 9

Utility) Taka “Kamakaze” Tanaka- Round 11

Brandi:

P) Billy Chapel- Round 1

P) Ryan Dunne- Round 2

P) Miles Pennfield- Round 6

P) Eric Van Leemer- Round 11

IF) Miles Darlymple- Round 3

IF) Lou Collins- Round 5

OF) Scott Smalls- Round 4

OF) Bobby Rayburn- Round 8

C) Crash Davis- Round 7

Utility) G-Baby- Round 9

Utility) Billy Brubaker- Round 10

Shaun:

P) Ebby Calvin “Nuke” LaLoosh- Round 1

P) Mel Clark- Round 4

P) Steve Nebraska- Round 7

P) Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn- Round 11

IF) Jack Elliot- Round 2

IF) Stan Ross- Round 6

OF) Willy Mays Hayes (Wesley Snipes Version)- Round 3

OF) Billy “Downtown” Anderson- Round 5

C) Jake Taylor- Round 8

Utility) Ed- Round 9

Utility) Kelly Leake- Round 10

 

Shaun’s take:  Usually Brandi is pretty legit when it comes to sports, but this draft she proved that her taste in baseball movies are truly that of a female.  I love For the Love of the Game and Summer Catch, and I have no problem admitting that, but Billy Chapel in the first round and practically the entire roster from Summer Catch…you got to be kidding me.  I got lucky with Wild Thing and Kelly Leake falling to me very late.  Add Mr. Baseball and Mr. 3000 and I have a solid infield.  Plus, I own every pitching category.  Now, one of my utility spots is a better real ballplayer than fantasy, but Ed owned the hot corner in the movie…Ed.  Torsten is sure he has the power numbers with Haywood and Parkman, but neither come through in the clutch, and his ace is Kenny Powers…weak.  Brandi certainly gets some steals and OBP help with G-Baby, mostly because applying a tag and finding the strikezone against a small 5 year old has got to be difficult.  To me, the biggest shock of the draft was the fact that nobody from Rookie of the Year made the list.  Chet Stedman and Henry Rowengardner are definitely better pitchers than the likes of Van Leemer, Sam Malone, and Ed Harris.

Torsten’s Take: I would like to start by saying, there is no way I’m not running away with the championship here. The Natural was, well, the natural pick at first overall.  Hell, the best that ever lived, right? I’ll admit that position scarcity played a role in Benny the Jet at number two, but overall, I cleaned up.  True, Parkman and Haywood each have a one movie history of failing in clutch situations… against a guy who throws triple digits!  Lest we forget, Harris went the first 8 in Major League 1, and to quote the great Harry Doyle (the incredibly awesome Bob Eucker), “That’ll do it for Harris, he has pitched a beauty.” Nuff said, not worried about my pitching. Shaun already astutely pointed out the flaws in Brandi’s draft so I need not say more.  However, I was a little miffed.  She didn’t take this very seriously, and if you can’t take a fantasy baseball draft involving only fictional characters seriously, well then I might not want to play with you.  So there.  On to Shaun’s team, the Wild Thing Vaughn, Jack Elliot, and Willie Mays Hayes were good value where he got them, as was Kelly Leake at the end, but I wouldn’t be criticising anyone else’s pitching with Nuke LaLoosh as my ace… Just sayin’.  If I had to be surprised that someone got snubbed, it would be a tie between Pedro Cerrano and Hank Bell. You just can’t leave power like that sitting around on the waiver wire. As far as pitching goes, Stedman’s arm went out and Rowengartner is just BEGGING for Tommy John surgery.  You can’t be 12, throw 113mph, and not get hurt.  Just ask Joel Zumaya. If you need some innings and possibly a win, Bill Wedman is still out there, but he does pitch for Seattle… and a 10 year old manager. 

We were throwing around idea of a fictional hockey draft too, but Brandi called dibs on everyone from Mystery Alaska, and you can’t make two competitive squads using Slap Shot and the Mighty Ducks octology, or however many they made.

We’re open to suggestions.

I love listening to podcasts about sports, and people often say they have trouble watching a game and truly enjoying it without thinking of their next article.  Now, I am in no way confusing myself with a real journalist, but I did get the same feeling this weekend.  While walking around the ballparks and watching the games, I kept seeing things that I wanted to reference here on The Stain…that was until Sunday.  Camelback Ranch is an absolutely incredible complex.  We pull up to park, pound a few beers, and start the decent hike to the stadium.  Usually the walk would be something to complain about, but not at Camelback.  On our right, there were two baseball games going on, both minor league Dodger games.  On the left, two more, those minor league White Sox games.  Separating the White Sox from the Dodgers, a fountain/pond, which I am pretty sure was 75% chlorine, but very cool none the less.  Then we reach the stadium, spread out the blanket on the grass, grabbed another beer and relaxed.  There are box seats at the stadium, and the structure is made to look like an old wood structure, but upon closer examination it is actually a steel frame.  But truly an excellent ballpark, wonderful grounds, and the best of all, despite the game technically being a White Sox home game…I was able to get a Dodger Dog.  The most difficult part of the trip was actually leaving, if you have never had the pleasure of doing a Spring Training weekend, do it.  The weather is always great, the ballgames are cheap, and you get to spend multiple days in a row watching baseball.  Now, in the Day 2 post, I mentioned the stupid Arizona drivers incapable of making U-Turns….I forgot California drivers are even more moronic.  Just before getting home, while driving in the carpool lane, a car was riding our ass before illegally exiting the carpool lane and passing us.  At this time I look over at the car and realize there is not a person in the passenger seat, but instead a friggin blow up doll.  Gotta love LA.

To rip off and butcher an old adage, those who can’t do, talk about it.  Few hate college basketball and March Madness as much as I do, but even I had to check out what happened at the end of the Butler Pitt game.  Ok, I admit it, I like a little drama, and that was intense.  What’s really stupid about it is the aftermath.  Mainly, the idiots who are out there saying stuff like, “How do you call those fouls at the end of a game?” Keep in mind, these are people who WRITE ABOUT SPORTS FOR A LIVING! Among the guilty are Sports Illustrated’s Will Carroll and Yahoo!’s Chris Chase. Carroll had the audacity to say they were the “two worst calls” he has ever seen.  Evidently, he has never seen an NFL game… and even if he were limiting his observation to basketball, he clearly hasn’t seen a single Heat Lakers game this season… not that he would have mentioned the Heat using Pau Gasol as a human crash test dummy. Now, Carroll isn’t generally a tool.  His words frequently, even if you disagree with them, have some merit.  One would have to guess he’s either a Pitt fan, or put some cheese on the over. Chase’s wax moronic was slightly less egregious, as he merely insinuated that the ref should have swallowed his whistle on the last play, allowing a tight, exciting game to go to overtime. I wonder if he would have insinuated a baseball umpire call a line drive on the chalk for a winning basehit a foul ball just to have a great game go to extra innings. Or have a ref call a great catch in the endzone for a winning touchdown so a stirring football game can go to OT. Or for a soccer ref to allow a clearly offside goal to stand just for an extra 30 minutes of Champions League action between two of the best teams in the world.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t credit With Leather’s Josh Zerkle for being the only one I know of who accurately observed what happened.  Paraphrased, he said it took grapefruits of steel for the ref crew of that game to make those calls in a frenzied environment.  Basically, they maintained the integrity of the game and it’s rules in the searing heat of a moment. Hats off to them. They didn’t forget that nowhere in any rule book does it say to forsake the written rule in the final minute of a game to facilitate an overtime period.

Speaking of people who really shouldn’t be allowed (yes, I’m aware it’s a free country, so I ask only this: if everything you say about a sporting event is going to be dumb or exaggeratedly homer, become a blogger, not a journalist/announcer. Granted, not much money in this gig.) to ever open their mouths on television, I watched the White Sox Dodgers spring training game today, which was attended by my fellow Stainer, Shaun. (Side note, I was trying to think of a good way to describe Shaun as my partner in this blog. Stainer was really the best I could come up with. Smear Buddy and Poo Partner were two suggestions that, for obvious reaons I had to decline… or pooh pooh, as it were.)

Anyhoo, the White Sox WGN announcer (I think it’s Ken Harrellson) has to be one of the most annoying play by play guys in history. His pretentious “be gone” every time someone on the other team strikes out, gets caught stealing or whatever is gag inducing. Add to that, he had the audacity to call the sovereign period of Bud Selig (who was a studio guest in the second inning of the telecast) the best of any commissioner in his 5 decades in baseball. Then, he proceeded to brownnose Selig in the most ridiculous, borderline insane way.  I’m sorry, did he forget that Selig turned a conscious blind eye to the steroid and other PED epidemic that left a, ahem, stain on the sport? For goodness’ sake, if Barry Bonds’ home run exploits come with an asterisk, so should Selig’s (debatable) praise for steadily growing attendance since a cataclysmic strike in 94 wiped out half a season and the World Series. I’m not a lawyer, but if you partake in an activity that leads to someone getting killed, you are an accessory to murder. How is Selig not an accessory to felony drug trafficking and distribution? In my opinion, that’s exactly what he is, because I don’t believe for one second he was not aware of the rampant PED use going on. If he was, he may not be a felon, but he’s certainly an idiot.  Brady Anderson hit 50 home runs, for crying out loud.  BRADY ANDERSON!!!

Those who criticise, call it throwing stones in a glass house if you want, should also be willing to praise and give credit where it’s due.  At least he does one thing well, speak in complimentary terms about the opposition’s players. He did, to his credit, call Andre Ethier a wonderful player and predicted a huge year from the talented but mercurial Matt Kemp.  That didn’t, however, make me want to vomit any less when he referred to the Sox as the “good guys” and the Dodgers as the “bad guys.” The only guy whose obnoxious homer enthusiasm I can even consider turning a blind eye to is LA Clippers play by play guy, Ralph Lawler. Hearing “Bingo!” every time Blake Griffin does something good (sorry, in my opinion a super freak athlete like Griffin should be able to slam dunk the ball from within five feet of the hoop… he is good though.) is grating to my ears. Anyone who can remain enthusiastic about the Clippers after more than three weeks deserves some slack.  He’s done it for eons, he deserves more than slack. ((reluctant nod of the head to Mike Smith))

My solution to this problem is this. We clone Vin Scully, ressurect Jack Buck and Harry Caray, clone each of them a dozen times, inject the clones with stem cells for enhanced longevity, and assign each clone to a team to do all games, home or away. And yes, the wonderfully impartial Jon Miller and Joe Morgan can play too. That does it for this smear, see you during the week.