Rank	Name	Position	School
1	Andrew Luck	QB	Stanford
2	Robert Griffin III	QB	Baylor
3	Matt Kalil	OT	USC
4	Trent Richardson	RB	Alabama
5	Morris Claiborne	CB	LSU
6	Justin Blackmon	WR	Oklahoma St.
7	Melvin Ingram	DE/OLB	South Carolina
8	Jonathon Martin	OT	Stanford
9	David DeCastro	G	Stanford
10	Michael Brockers	DT	LSU
11	Luke Kuechly	ILB	Boston College
12	Riley Reiff	OT	Iowa
13	Quinton Coples	DE	North Carolina
14	Dontari Poe	DT	Memphis
15	Courtney Upshaw	OLB	Alabama
16	Michael Floyd	WR	Notre Dame
17	Fletcher Cox	DT	Mississippi State
18	Mark Barron	S	Alabama
19	Cordy Glenn	T/G	Georgia
20	Dre Kirkpatrick	CB	Alabama
21	Janoris Jenkins	CB	North Alabama
22	Peter Konz	C	Wisconsin
23	Mike Adams	OT	Ohio State
24	Devon Still	DT	Penn State
25	Andre Branch	DE	Clemson
26	Jerel Worthy	DT	Michigan State
27	Kendall Wright	WR	Baylor
28	Whitney Mercilus	DE/OLB	Illinois
29	Nick Perry	DE	USC
30	Zach Brown	OLB	North Carolina
31	Ryan Tannehill	QB	Texas A&M
32	Dont’a Hightower	ILB	Alabama
33	Alfonzo Dennard	CB	Nebraska
34	Chandler Jones	DE	Syracuse
35	Stephen Hill	WR	Georgia Tech
36	Brandon Thompson	DT	Clemson
37	Dwayne Allen	TE	Clemson
38	Kendall Reyes	DT	Connecticut
39	Lamar Miller	RB	Miami (FL)
40	Chase Minnifield	CB	Virginia
41	Zerbie Sanders	OT	Florida State
42	Vontaze Burfict	ILB	Arizona State
43	Boby Fleener	TE	Stanford
44	Brandon Weeden	QB	Oklahoma St.
45	Jared Crick	DE	Wisconsin
46	Brock Osweiler	QB	Arizona State
47	David Wilson	RB	Virginia Tech
48	Stephon Gilmore	CB	South Carolina
49	Lavonte David	OLB	Nebraska
50	Mohamed Sanu	WR	Rutgers
51	Harrison Smith	S	Notre Dame
52	Bruce Irvin	OLB/DE	West Virginia
53	Juron Criner	WR	Arizona
54	LeMichael James	RB	Oregon
55	Orson Charles	TE	Georgia
56	Doug Martin	RB	Boise State
57	Brandon Washington	G/C	Miami (FL)
58	Ben Jones	C	Georgia
59	Isaiah Pead	RB	Cincinnati
60	Josh Robinson	CB	Central Florida
61	Ronnell Lewis	OLB	Oklahoma
62	Chris Polk	RB	Washington
63	Bobby Massie	OT	Mississippi
64	Tommy Streeter	WR	Miami (FL)
65	Dwight Bentley	CB	Louisiana-Lafayette
66	Alshon Jeffrey	WR	South Carolina
67	Kelechi Osomele	G	Iowa State
68	Nick Toon	WR	Wisconsin
69	Vinny Curry	DE	Marshall
70	Trumaine Johnson	CB	Montana
71	Bobby Wagner	OLB	Utah State
72	Markelle Martin	S	Oklahoma St.
73	Mitchell Schwartz	OT	California
74	Tank Carder	OLB	TCU
75	Billy Winn	DT	Boise State
76	Kevin Zeitler	G	Wisconsin
77	Mike Brewster	C	Ohio State
78	Brandon Boykin	CB	Georgia
79	Cam Johnson	DE/OLB	Virginia
80	Sean Spense	OLB	Miami (FL)
81	Mike Martin	DT	Michigan
82	Alameda Ta’amu	DT	Washington
83	Kirk Cousins	QB	Michigan State
84	James-Michael Johson	ILB	Nevada
85	Nick Foles	QB	Arizona
86	Rueben Randle	WR	LSU
87	Matt McCants	OT	UAB
88	Shea McClellin	OLB	Boise State
89	Chris Givens	WR	Wake Forest
90	George Iloka	S	Boise State
91	Leonard Johnson	CB	Iowa State
92	Amini Silatolu	G	Midwestern State
93	Casey Hayward	CB	Vanderbilt
94	Josh Kaddu	OLB	Oregon
95	Brian Quick	WR	Appalachian State
96	Marvin McNutt	WR	Iowa
97	Bernard Pierce	RB	Temple
98	Cliff Harris	CB	Oregon
99	Josh Chapman	DT	Alabama
100	Jayron Hosley	CB	Virginia Tech

Superstar Ass Kissing and Ridiculous Praise

Kobe Bryant was suffering through one of the most humiliating games of his career. He was at Madison Square Garden, on of his favorite haunts, and was getting thoroughly outplayed by rookie sensation, Jerry Lin, the night after telling reporters he didn’t know what the big deal with Lin was. Every time the Knicks came down the court, the rookie guard made a good play, be it hitting an open shot, driving for a layup, finding an open teammate, etc. Every time the Lakers came down the court, Kobe Bryant made calamitous play after calamitous play, dribbling into triple teams, heaving up desperation shots with little to no chance of going in. He had gone into full on, “screw it, I don’t give a damn if we lose but I’ll be damned if I let this kid score more points than me,” mode. Then it happened. One of Bryant’s terrible jumpers actually went in, and then a couple more. At this point, the Lakers were down by a ton and the game was essentially over… but from the nitwit announcers you got, “Kobe Bryant! What a shot!!! Trying to carry his team back…” and whatever other drivel along those lines. Not once did anyone point out that the Lakers’ deficit could be blamed one hundred percent on Bryant’s awful play to that point. 30 something percent shooting, a boatload of turnovers, zero hustle on defense. No, they praised the moody star. Why? Because maybe he would get wind of it and not talk to them anymore for interviews? Who knows?

It’s only been a couple of years since his much publicized dalliances with seemingly everything female that had a pulse, but every move Tiger Woods makes is still front and center. Golf announcers do everything but overtly cheer for him to win. Why?

Derek Jeter’s skills are obviously eroding. He’s been a wonderful player for most of his career, and is still a great leader… but nobody wants to point out that a seeing eye grounder to the left side that any other shortstop makes a routine play, the Yankee legend can no longer get to. And Jeter is a nice guy, unlike the mercurial personalities of Bryant and Woods. He’d probably admit he wasn’t the same player he used to be… if anyone had the grapefruits to ask him.

When I was in college and studying journalism, the romance of the profession was enhanced by being described as the “watchdog for the public.” Reporters and journalists had an obligation to report the facts to keep the public informed, to ask the tough questions because it’s what people want to know. Apparently, today’s sports journalists missed that day in class. Oh sure, you get some candid rhetoric from guys like the LA Times’ irascible Page 2 columnist, TJ Simers, ESPN’s Bill Simmons, and a few others. But by in large, those guys’ words are treated as rhetorical hyperbole. It’s the guys making the simulcast calls, and asking the postgame questions that we look to for the info. And those guys, nearly all of them, are cowards. I have no other explanation.

I do however have a solution. It would require, however, an uncensored sports channel… because you see, I would be calling the games. “And Kobe heaves up ANOTHER horrid shot. Clangs it off the backboard and here come the Clippers on a fast break, they score. Kobe is still bitching at the refs, the whiny punk that he is… when is Mike Brown going to remove him from the game!? He does want to win, right?”

Meh, I guess I could do it without cursing… unless of course you count “bitching” as cursing…

 

So I would like to expand on my Smear from earlier today. Three days ago, MLB had all but announced they would be adding an extra Wild Card team to each league and have the two Wild Card teams face off in a one game playoff series. I will have a rant on this new setup shortly, but for now, I am gonna call out ESPN…again! Every media outlet had confirmation that the new Wild Card format was put into place yesterday. Then, just before 11:30 AM pacific time, AKA more than 24 hours after I first heard the announcement, ESPN comes out with “breaking news” that there will be two extra Wild Card teams in this year’s playoffs. And I can all but guarantee they will credit one of their insiders as the one that broke the news. The lack of integrity is laughable. Two hacks in Southern California catch a guy pooing himself in an NFL game decide to start a blog and have more journalistic integrity than the biggest sports organization in the world? If ESPN wanted to wait until they got confirmation of the new playoff format, great, but don’t you dare call it breaking news, a developing story, and you sure as hell better not take credit for breaking the news. Especially when you can search Google and find that even Bleacher Report had the story almost 12 hours before ESPN. But, in the spirit of ESPN, I would like to announce some breaking news of my own. Peyton Manning has a pain in the neck. Baseball Spring Training has begun. Jeremy Lin appears to be pretty good. The NBA Slam Dunk competition sucks. Chris Berman is the most annoying sports personality on TV. Tiger Woods plays golf. And finally, ESPN no longer stand for Entertainment and Sports Programming Network, but instead now means Every Story Provided by Narcissists.

I am aware Torsten is doing a 5 part Smearies of pet peeves in sports.  And, given that I don’t know his list, but do know him, I could very well be stepping on his toes of a future article, but I don’t care, I was pushed over the top this morning.  I am sick and tired of ESPN.  I am now convinced it is not a coincidence they are a 4-letter network because they are ****ing ridiculous.   It started early this week, when they decided to show breaking news and a developing story all over their networks.  “The St. Louis Rams intend to trade the #2 pick in the draft”.  Really?!?!  That is breaking news?  It was clear to anyone with have a sense of the situation the pick would be traded.  But the GM comes out and says they would be open to it means you need to break out the sounders and make a fuss about it?  It doesn’t even belong in the A segment of SportsCenter. (If I learned anything from one of the greatest shows ever, SportsNight, it is that the A segment is the opening segment, then following the first commercial is B, etc.)  Then, this morning I turn on SportsCenter, because I am apparently a glutton for punishment, and I see in the developing story box, Tiger -1 for the day through 12 holes.  Again, really?!?!  I get ESPN plays the hits, but give it a rest.  It is the Honda Open, I think, I really didn’t pay enough attention to it, but I perked up when I heard Davis Love III is the current leader, a long time solid golfer, good for him.  I then wanted to vomit when they talked about an 8 foot putt Tiger pushed wide right.  Right now Tiger is a top 25 golfer, deal with it.  You want to see greatness again?  Let the man golf and stop pestering with stupid questions about when he is gonna win his next major and why he missed the 8 footer on 12.  Want to know the answers?  He will win it when he wins it and he missed because he didn’t putt it right, and you want to know why he is up there and you are asking the questions?  Because after taking a beating with a 9 iron from an angry wife, he could still whoop your ass on and off the course.  He was one of the most dominating athletes of all time.  Why can’t we just appreciate those things?  Guess what, Jordan wasn’t great forever.  Babe Ruth went through slumps.  Mickey Mantle got drunk and laid too many nights in a row and had some 0-4 days.  Crosby got hit in the head once and is practically retired.  Tiger Woods has won a U.S. Open on a broken leg.  Only Jack Youngblood can question Tiger’s toughness.  Then Tiger got run down worse by his wife than Chuck Finley was beaten by Tawny Kitaen.  He has had several surgeries, and his game has fallen off.  If 90% of people had the amount of surgeries Tiger has had and went through a divorce like he did in the public eye, they would either go into hiding, or admit themselves into a mental institution.  I appreciate greatness.  I hate Jeter, but love to watch him play.  I hate Peyton Manning, but want him to come back and make a few more playoff runs.  I was pulling for Jordan in Washington.  I wish Emmitt never went to Arizona.  I want the greats to remain great, so back off the Tiger coverage, and let the man play the game he can play better than anyone in history.

The Catch Phrase

The art of sports journalism, especially in the broadcasting realm, is one that requires a skill rivaling the finest artists of all kinds in this history of the world. The broadcast paints a picture with his words, the great ones doing so with such aplomb that you can close your eyes and picture the scene unfolding beautifully before you… or just listen to the radio. It’s an art that requires a fine balance of effusiveness, humility, and unassumingness; a willingness to be a part of the background while also being front and center of the action. Vin Scully does it with an avuncular soothingness and tongue in cheek self depracation that even the most passive baseball fan can appreciate. The unparalleled Andres Cantor does it with a boyish enthusiasm intertwined with a detail-oriented genius that Einstein would have appreciated. Marv Albert, between depraved romps with prostitutes, does it with an effortless clarity devoid of ever a stumble. There are more, too many to mention in fact, that spin the most beautiful yarns over what most of the time really amounts to just a game in the large scheme of things.

And then you have the 90%. The mediocre. The commentators who do just that. Comment. And they’re tolerable if only because in plenty of cases, you really have no idea who number 46 is on the Carolina Hurricanes, but he happens to be the guy with the puck.

Then, it’s the 5%. The hacks. The ones who despite their minority seem to be a part of the broadcasting team for 99% of relevant games. There’s only one cricket in your room at 3am, but the incessant chirping makes it seem like the little bastard is everywhere. These are the ones. They are so desperate to make their mark, to ascend the ranks of broadcasting and be recognized among the elite that they take the desperate step to develop that one thing that becomes synonymous with them. The Catch Phrase.

The catch phrase is quite possibly the stupidest thing in the history of sports stupidity. Oh sure, there are exceptions. The aforementioned Cantor’s, “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLL!!!!!!!!” invokes excitement among viewers both in Spanish and in English, Cantor’s brilliance equal in both languages. UFC’s Mike Goldberg’s “Here! We! Go!” before the main event also is fitting, catering to the rabid bloodlust of the full contact sport’s fanbase. Albert’s simple, “Yes!” when a basketball player hits a big shot is fitting too, because that’s where it ends, until another player sinks a shot, one that is sure to be just one of 70 or so throughout the course of a game. And that, folks, is pretty much where it ends.

Just to name a few that really irk me, Max Bretos’ “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!” after a soccer goal is scored is both patently a rip off of Cantor AND Albert, but utterly pointless when effusive praise or enthusiastic analysis of the scored goal would be far more fitting. The White Sox’ Ken Harrelson has a satchel full of idiotic ones, not the least of which is, “He gone…” when an opposing team’s player strikes out. What would be wrong with, “Got him. Great slider by Humber.” Nothing. Nothing would be wrong with it. The utterly likeable Gus Johnson loses points for, “Instant Classic.” That’s a freaking oxymoron, you idiot! By very definition a classic CAN’T be instant. He does make up some points for, “What a game!”, though he uses it too frequently for it to have any real value anymore, kind of like the Zimbabwean dollar… What seems like the entire staff at ESPN appears to spend hours trying to develop this sophomoric word vomit because it’s all they do. In fact, according to an old Sportscenter commercial featuring Kenny Mayne replaying the same Ken Griffey Jr. homerun trying to come up with a good phrase would indicate that they might. (someone please help me find video of this, it’s awesome)

Why do they do this? Why? Insecurity in who they are? Fear of being forgotten? Whatever it is, it needs to stop. Please. Catch phrases with very few exceptions pillage beauty from the sports we love to watch. Catch phrases from announcers will be among the first things I outlaw when I am president… and really, how bad could I do at THAT job?

Bonus Peeve:  People who use highlighters to circle things. You do realize that the damn things were invented so you don’t have to navigate your writing implement around the thing you want to accentuate? If you want to draw a circle, use a pen! If you’re gonna use a highlighter, use it as the damn thing was intended when it was invented!

As you may have noticed, I am a bit of a nerd when it comes to baseball.  I love following prospects, I get the shakes after the season when there is not a game to put on TV, I have a dog named Fenway and my parents have two dogs named after Cooperstown and Williamsport for the Hall of Fame and Little League World Series.  Baseball is a part of me to my core, so it is no surprise I listen to many podcasts, read many websites, and keep up with several blogs regarding baseball.  Baseball Prospectus recently brought up a concept that I love and think it would be a game changer, plus, I know just the guy and team to make it happen.  What is the concept you ask?  Simple, the super reliever.  A closer that pitches 6-9 outs per appearance, and makes as many as five appearances a week.  That would be 15 innings max per week, which will match the innings of a team’s number one starter.  Last year, Jose Valverde pitched 74 innings as a work horse closer and was named the Rolaids Relief Man of the Year.  But what if a team can have a closer that pitches 150 innings?  How many times does a pitcher leave after six innings and a manager is forced to roll out pitcher after pitcher until you get to the 8th or 9th inning, depending on whether or not a team has a premier set-up man?  But what if the starter leaves after six, and a team brings out their set-up man for an inning, then a dominant closer for two innings?  That would completely change the game.  It would allow for a team to carry an extra offensive player or two that could help with situational hitters, defensive replacements, and pinch runners.  This obviously fits best for a National League team.  Now, the first argument would be the Kimbrel defense from last year as he was clearly gassed down the stretch.  So obviously, you need a manager with some balls to give it a shot, and you need a guy whose arm could hold up to that kind of work load.  I think I have found the perfect team/manager/player combo for this…the Arizona Diamondbacks.  I don’t think anyone will argue whether or not Kirk Gibson would be willing to stick his neck out there and give something a shot that brings a position old school and have a closer that works as much as Goose Gossage did.  Then you look at the roster, and you realize they have the pitching staff and depth in the organization to take a shot with a rubber armed prospect.  And they have that rubber armed prospect in Trevor Bauer.  He came out of Hart High School in my home town, so I have watched him pitch since high school.  The thing that was different about Bauer is he would play long toss between innings, throw a bullpen session after pitching a full game, and I never saw him put ice on his arm.  This continued at UCLA, which led him to be a top 5 pick in this past year’s draft.  The Diamondbacks already have a full rotation of starters that are above average to ace, currently have a closer who has performed best as a set-up man, and of their top 10 prospects, there are 6-7 future big league starters.  Here is how I see it working.  Tentatively pencil Bauer in as the official relief man for Ian Kennedy, Trevor Cahill, and Daniel Hudson.  Have him pitch the 8^th and 9^th innings for their starts knowing they will all go at least 6 if not 7 innings per start.  If you need a 7^th inning guy, use J.J. Putz.  Get decent run support and those three starters could easily win 20+ games a year.  Then for the final two pitchers of the rotation, likely Joe Saunders and Josh Collmenter, will have J.J. Putz as their closer and the full bullpen to fit in the rest of the time.  What would the numbers look like?  Simple, let’s assume each of the top three starters start 32 games. And each throws two complete games, and five other games they go to the 8^th inning.  So Bauer would throw 165 innings, or 60+ innings less than a front of the rotation starter, but the innings come on consecutive days rather than five days rest.  Now, admittedly, Bauer’s career will likely be shortened by this throwing program, so a team would have to compensate him at a level somewhere between elite closer and elite starter money assuming it works out.  That being said, wouldn’t it be worth it to add 2-3 wins per starter and give Bauer 60+ saves.  (Remember, a six out save is a save regardless of the score)  Bauer was a high draft pick, and you could rip the D-Backs for trying this, but they also have Tyler Skaggs, Archer Bradley, and Patrick Corbin, who all will be in the minors this year, but are future middle to front of the line starters.  So I say go for it!  Give it a shot, what is the worst that happens?  Bauer wears down, maybe needs Tommy John, honestly, big deal, and then you let him rehab and become a starter.  But if it works, you could dominate 95 games a year, and the other 67 would be a typical staff.  If the D-Backs use this strategy this season, I will project them for 95 games minimum, and they would be damn near impossible to beat in a short series, and pretty tough in a seven game series.  I think Gibson is gutsy enough to give it a shot, Bauer is the perfect guy to fill that position, and the D-Backs have the perfect mix of big league talent and minor league potential, to be able to give it a shot.  So how about Arizona, are you ready to change the way a team looks at the game?  Screw Moneyball, I say go with Bauerball.

Remember Jordan vs. Dominique Wilkins?  Or Dominique vs. Spudd Webb?  Or even Vince Carter vs. gravity?  The great dunk competitions of all time, pure athleticism and creativity to do something a human has never done before.  Ah, the good old days.  When the stars performed in the dunk competitions, or Reggie Miller and Larry Bird would participate in the 3-point competition.  This year a power forward wins the 3-point competition and 4 guys that might not even be recognized by their own mothers competed in the dunk contest.  Chase Budinger, funny, and ballsy, to jump over Diddy while wearing a White Men Can’t Jump inspired hat.  But the winner of the competition included a dunk over a massive 5’5” Kevin Hart…yeah, totally champion worthy.  Granted, his double dunk over a seated Gordon Hayward was impressive and reminded me of dunk contests past.  Then there was a guy who wears a glow in the dark jersey but wasn’t smart enough to bring in a glow in the dark ball?  And everyone was so impressed with Blake Griffin’s dunk last year.  Really?  He brought out a chorus to sing I Believe I can Fly which was a good touch, but then dunks over the hood of a car.  Not really that impressive, I am pretty sure I could jump over the hood of a Kia.  I would have been impressed if he jumped over the roof.  And everybody gets 2 minutes to complete a dunk?  Remember if you missed a dunk, you missed the dunk, deal with it?  Then the guys went out and pulled off dunks we have never seen before on the first attempt.  But now they put a glorified midget in the way and do the exact same dunk we see in games, and it takes them 54 attempts to get it down.  It is getting ridiculous.  Somebody mentioned, can’t remember where I heard it, a fantastic solution.  Bring the dunk contest to the fans.  Create four geographical brackets.  Hold American Idol style audition process for non-NBA players to compete in each area for a chance to perform in the dunk contest.  The creativity would bring fun back to the dunk contest.  Make the prize for the winning dunker to be a few grand to them, and a $50,000 check to a NBA charity in the dunkers home city.  Couldn’t be any worse than the garbage they throw out there today.  Then came the actual game.  The West squad put up a score in the high 80s…in the first half.  The all-star game is just a 2 hour dunk contest, where the highlights are better than the actual dunk contest, but is still incredibly boring.  I thought the Pro Bowl was bad since the back-up left guard on the worst team in the league gets run at quarterback because nobody shows up, but the NBA all-star game was even worse. 

Ever since Ryan Braun tested positive for PEDs, I have been telling everyone who would listen that Braun would win an appeal. Just because Commissioner Bud Selig is no longer officially owner of the Milwaukee Brewers, you can’t possibly argue that the Brew Crew is not still his team. The team he supports, the team he wants to win. And whatever influence he can exert when it comes to a key decision involving Milwaukee or one of its best players, you can bet he will. I don’t know if anyone will take a look at “independent” arbiter, Shyam Das’ bank account to see if Selig slipped him a few million. But would it surprise me? Hell no.

Let’s look at some facts. Braun has steadfastly maintained his innocence since he tested positive, but we all know that’s a bunch of crap. Rafael Palmeiro did too. So did Mark McGwire before eventually coming clean (interesting word choice there, huh?) But the facts are, the limit for testosterone to epitestosterone to stay within the doping rules is 4-1. Braun’s was nearly 8 times that. This unequivocally shows that he wasn’t just doping, he was effectively drinking PEDs from a fire hose. If we were to draw an analogy to alcohol, and Braun was tested at 8 times the legal limit for driving, going to jail would be the least of concerns. Because he would be dead.

More facts. During his ultimately successful appeal, Braun argued that his test was improperly stored on the way to the lab. NOT, that the test was flawed, that the procedure was. Essentially, he admitted to being not just a doper, but a RAGING doper, but with the help of Selig on his side was able to circumvent the rules.

I suppose I shouldn’t be angry since I knew all along how this would play out. But I am upset that nobody in the sports media is raising more of a flag on this. Shouldn’t someone who brazenly wags their middle finger at the rules get called out on it?

That is right; the Boston Red Sox have acquired Chris Carpenter.  Granted, they had to give up a key member of the two World Series championship teams, but it has landed them a big right handed arm.  Carpenter is, of course, a big righty with an impressive fastball and a biting breaking ball.  He has overcome a number of arm surgeries early in his career, but has proved his health is no longer an issue.  Last season his ERA was under 3 and his K/9 was near 8.  The guy just looks like a pitcher.  He is working on added a pitch or two to his repertoire, but has shown he can be successful with the pitches he already has.  I am of course referring to Chris Carpenter, the middle of the road prospect relief pitcher from the Chicago Cubs as compensation for Theo Epstein.  And blame me for small sample size…which would be a good point, since those stats I threw out there were in 9.2 big league innings.  In those innings he did allow 12 hits and 7 walks, which is actually impressive since his command of the strike zone would make Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn look like Roy Halladay.  For months there was speculation of who the Red Sox would get for Theo, whispers of Brett Jackson hit the rumor mill, which we all knew was a load of bull, but really?  A 26 year old “prospect” that has proven he will be a mid-level middle reliever at best?  It was time to part ways with Theo, but at least pretend to make the compensation worthwhile, at least throw a guy that might spot start from time to time.  But instead Bud Selig played the cruel joke on Red Sox fans allowing websites to throw out a headline that says “Red Sox add Chris Carpenter” just to get a couple extra clicks…oh…wait…

 

Something bothers me about mock drafts. For whatever reason, most mockers refuse to entertain trade scenarios in their forecasts. Why? I don’t get it. Well, I figure I can complain about it, or I can do a mock myself… while mocking myself. Just go with it.

 

1. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford: I’m not going to insult you by trying to pass something off as analysis here. It’s a foregone conclusion, he’s Peyton’s heir to the throne, either right away, or after a season or two in the future Hall of Famer’s tutelage.

 

2. Cleveland Browns – RG3, QB, Baylor: The Rams trade this pick down a couple spots. Rams management has been so incompetent in recent years that a Vontaze Burfict pick here is not out of the question, but I don’t think Cleveland will let a chance at a franchise QB pass, and with two first rounders, they have the most attractive trade bait for the Rams. The Browns might also stand pat, and if the Redskins trade up to take RG3, they may take Alabama’s Trent Richardson with Peyton Hillis’ future undecided.

 

3. Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil, OT, USC: There is a ton of first round tackle talent this year, but Kalil is probably the best of the bunch, and the Vikings O line has been dreadful. They have other pressing needs, like the entire defense not named Jared Allen for example, but opening holes for all-universe Adrian Peterson (assuming a recovery from a bad knee injury) is the top one.

 

4. St. Louis Rams – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State: Trading down again for more picks and hoping to land offensive line help like David DeCastro or Jonathon Martin would have been the smart move, but when have the Rams ever done that? So they’ll go with Blackmon to try to give Sam Bradford a weapon. Blackmon has ability, but in general is a little overrated. Notre Dame’s Michael Floyd is better.

 

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama: Richardson is an unfathomable value here. I think he’d go first overall in a year that didn’t have two awesome quarterbacks headlining the draft. As you can probably surmise from their lofty draft position, Tampa has multiple needs, but backs like Richardson don’t come along all the time. In fact, they almost never do.

 

6. Washington Redskins – Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame: They’ll be annoyed that the Rams took Blackmon, whom they wanted, but little do they know they have a gem here. Floyd is huge, has great hands, and is fast enough to run the deep route. There are no weaknesses in his game.

 

7. Jacksonville Jaguars – Reilly Reiff, OT, Iowa: Yikes, what a disaster this team is. I’ll be honest, they have so many holes, I have no idea where they’re going to start plugging. But if it were me, I’d start by picking a very good lineman to help find out whether Blaine Gabbert can play any better if he’s actually kept upright.

 

8. Miami Dolphins – Quinton Coples, DE, North Carolina: Remember Robert Quinn, the DE the Rams disastrously selected in the first round last year? Coples is Quinn, minus the character and brain tumor issues. The Dolphins were better than their record last season, but need playmakers on defense, especially with the retirement of Jason Taylor.

 

9. Carolina Panthers – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU: Run defense is an equally pressing need, but Claiborne is a rare combination of attributes at cornerback. Big enough to rumble with the physical receivers, fast enough to keep up with the speed demons, and good enough to excel at both. They will not be able to pass on him here.

 

10. Buffalo Bills – Devon Still, DT, Penn State: In a division other than the AFC East, maybe they don’t take Still. But this is one division in which you can’t get away with not being able to get pressure on the quarterback. There are good pieces in place in Buffalo, even if they overpaid by about 50 million for Ryan Fitzpatrick. If they can improve their interior defense, they’re a contender.

 

11. Seattle Seahawks – Jonathon Martin, OT, Stanford: Notice how Andrew Luck spent most of last season comfortably on his feet? Martin was the guy who ensured that on Luck’s blind side. So when the Seahawks overpay to win the Matt Flynn sweepstakes, they’ll at least know his “six” will be in good hands.

 

12. Kansas City – Vontaze Burfict, MLB, Arizona State: Talent-wise, this is not a reach. A potential Ray Lewis-type franchise linebacker will be too much to pass up, especially with the awesome Eric Berry patrolling center field behind him. There are some “character questions” here, but wouldn’t you want your middle linebacker to have a bit of a temper?

 

13. Arizona Cardinals – David DeCastro, G, Stanford: Believe it or not, the Cards are not horribly far away from being good. Upgrading their interior line with this beast of a player will help. DeCastro could immediately be one of the top five guards in the NFL. He’s that good.

 

14. Dallas Cowboys – Luke Kuechly, LB, Boston College: They might have snagged David DeCastro here, but for Arizona plucking him from under their noses. Kuechly is a solid player across the board, and an outstanding tackler. Plus, you can bet your bottom dollar Philly wanted him with the next pick and you’re kidding yourself if you think that doesn’t play into this decision at all.

 

15. Philadelphia Eagles – Michael Brockers, DT, LSU: The Eagles couldn’t stop the run last season and it brutally murdered their playoff aspirations. They wanted Kuechly but that obviously isn’t happening. Brockers with his freakish athletic ability should help, though. He can play any D line position and is capable of playing well against good competition as you may have seen in the BCS Championship Game… you know, if you watch that kind of garbage.

 

16. New York Jets – Alshon Jeffery, WR, South Carolina: Part of the reason Mark Sanchez looked pretty sucky last season was the lack of real reliable target outside of Dustin Keller, whom he underutilized anyway. Santonio Holmes is a problem child, and Plaxico Burress’ best years were behind him, but adding Jeffery will give Sanchez a viable red zone target and a go-to guy if the problems between he and Holmes are not solved.

 

17. Cincinnati Bengals – Cordy Glenn, OL, Georgia – Football drafting 101. When you brilliantly nab yourself a franchise quarterback and a stud receiver in one draft, surround your aforementioned franchise quarterback with a solid line. Glenn might be a slight reach here but he’s very good and versatile to boot.

 

18. San Diego Chargers – Mike Adams, OT, Ohio State – Jared Gaither can’t be the answer to the Chargers’ offensive line woes, right? It sounds dumb to say that Adams is big. He’s a tackle, he’s supposed to be. But Adams really is humungous, and has good technique. Again, there’s some “off-field” stuff that follows him around like a cartoon raincloud, but it’s only enough to drop him below Jonathon Martin, not out of the first round altogether. Especially with how many teams need tackle help.

 

19. Chicago Bears – Whitney Mercilus, DE, Illinois – Yes, yes, I know. They already have Julius Peppers. Yes, they have perceived holes elsewhere. But they got a gift with the resignation of OC Mike Martz. For all his wizardry on offense, Martz gets quarterbacks killed by not leaving any tight ends or backs in to help block. His departure means Jay Cutler will be protected, and therefore more accurate, Forte will be healthy again so the offense will be good. Another defensive playmaker to complement Peppers? Could mean a return to the elite for this once glittering unit.

 

20. Tennessee Titans – Brandon Washington, G, Miami (FL) – When Chris Johnson had his monster year, he was able to both hit the homerun ball on runs around the edge, AND pick up meaningful yardage between the tackles. Since, his interior line has not opened holes as well. Washington is underrated because Miami wasn’t great this year, but that wasn’t his fault. He’s better than a lot of linemen ranked ahead of him and I’m betting the Tennessee front office recognizes that.

 

21. Cincinnati Bengals – Courtney Upshaw, LB, Alabama – It stands to reason, if you’re a really good linebacker on a really good defense, you’ll have suitors. Upshaw is an excellent pass rusher, solid against the run, and a proven winner in college. The Bengals don’t have a LOT of needs, but after adding Glenn four picks ago, they’ll see this defensive playmaker available still and jump at the chance. The Bengals might win 12 games next year.

 

22. St. Louis Rams (from Cle.) – Janoris Jenkins, CB, Northern Alabama – They’re just a bit north of the national champs, so they must be just as good, right? I know, I’m hilarious. But Jenkins is a top ten talent with a troublesome history, but the Rams cornerbacks are not good, and IF Jenkins can keep his nose clean, he’ll be a solid NFLer.

 

23. Detroit Lions – Alfonzo Dennard, CB, Nebraska – The Lions will have resisted trade offers from New England, who likely also wanted Dennard. But if anything was learned in the season finale where Packers’ backup QB Matt Flynn decimated the Lions secondary to the tune of a gazillion yards and 5 touchdowns, it’s that the secondary needs help. Dennard has great tools and should succeed nicely if he gambles a little less at the next level.

 

24. Pittsburgh Steelers – Bobbie Massey, OT, Ole Miss – Big Ben got battered from pillar to post last season, and still hung in there. But the human body can take only so much pounding and if the Steelers want their franchise quarterback to survive next season, they need to protect him. At first glance, Massey might look like a reach, but what a player this guy is. Much like Alshon Jeffery, don’t judge a player too harshly just because the guys around him aren’t very good.

 

25. Denver Broncos – Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama – I personally think that with his size, Kirkpatrick translates better as a safety in the NFL as a cornerback. But Champ Bailey ain’t gonna be around forever and the Broncos know it. And as long as you don’t expect Kirkpatrick to single cover the little waterbug speed demons like Mike Wallace, he’ll hold up as a corner too.

 

26. Houston Texans – Mohammed Sanu, WR, Rutgers – Houston is in a great position. Great defense, superb running back… but their lack of anyone to properly complement Andre Johnson at receiver was magnified when Johnson was hurt last season. The trio of Johnson, Sanu, and Owen Daniels will give Matt Schaub a nice array of weapons for four weeks, and then whomever is the backup for the next thirteen weeks after Schaub gets placed on IR with a hangnail.

 

27. New England Patriots – Chase Minnifield, CB, Virginia – The Pats need secondary help and are masters at getting maximum value from their draft picks (last year’s Ryan Mallett pick notwithstanding) and Minnifield may end up looking like the best cornerback from this draft, and not just because the expectations are higher for the other, more highly regarded CBs. He’s a perfect fit in New England.

 

28. Green Bay – Mark Barron, S, Alabama – Another team who needs to improve in the secondary. This draft isn’t exactly ripe with safety talent but Barron is good enough at all aspects of his job that he doesn’t need to be hidden anywhere, and the Packers’ already good run defense will allow him to focus more on his coverage responsibilities. Fearless forecast, Barron leads the NFL in interceptions in 2014.

 

29. Baltimore Ravens – Dont’a Hightower, LB, Alabama – In the unlikely event Burfict falls to here, they’d prefer him. Hightower isn’t mean enough to fit the Ravens mold at inside ‘backer. But he’s a complete player, cerebral, and a very good tackler. He only dropped this far because all the teams with needs at linebacker also had far more pressing needs at other positions.

 

30. San Francisco 49rs – Dwight Jones, WR, North Carolina – You can slot several wide receivers into this spot for San Fran, as that’s clearly their biggest need. There’s no real logic applied here as to why I picked Jones. The only logic is that it’s not Kendall Wright. The Niners already have Crabtree and Ginn as deep threat/return guys. They need a Mr. Reliable with good hands and Jones is that guy.

 

31. New England Patriots – Juron Criner, WR, Arizona – I don’t think the Pats need a wide receiver as much as everyone says. Welker is terrific and their two tight ends practically play like receivers. But that said, Criner is another one of those guys on a crappy team who still was able to perform. They probably wanted Chase Minnifield here… oh… right. They already got him. I freakin’ hate the Patriots…

 

32. New York Giants – Zach Brown, LB, North Carolina – Chase Blackburn may have made a terrific interception in the Superbowl, but he’s still Chase Blackburn. And Tom Coughlin is a big country music fan, especially that song Brown does about leaving that girl behind in Colorado. Wait, different guy? Oh. Well, THIS Zach Brown runs like Jamal Charles and tackles like a younger London Fletcher. At linebacker. He needs some refinement, but wow.

 

I know there are some snubs here, but when you have 45 first round talents available with only 32 slots, some guys are gonna get shafted. That’s just the way it is.