Have you ever had the urge to run around an indoor soccer arena with an oversized soccer ball tazing your friends?  Well, you are in luck, there is a new sport out there just for you.  Ultimate Tazer Ball has dubbed itself “The future of sport”, and while I don’t see it becoming the next NFL, it may have a better chance than the epic movie Rollerball.  There are currenlty four UTB teams, with the hope of many more to come.  The current teams are the Los Angeles Nightlight, the San Diego Spartans, the Toronto Terror, and the Philadelphia Killawatts.  Their website shows that they just did an Asian tour, but does not have a schedule for coming matches.  Regardless, a bunch of guys with a giant soccer ball, trying to throw it past a goalie while countless watts of electricity are running through their veins is certainly something to be seen.  I hope they have a match in LA sometime soon, and I would gladly attend and report back on this potential awesomeness.

Ok, I guess it would be just Guest Writing, but a special thanks to Fenway West for allowing me to go rant about my Red Sox.  Please visit Fenway West and give that fantastic blog some love as well.

So… I just spent the last week in Hawaii and man, is that place different. The first thing you’ll notice is that nobody is really in a hurry. Anywhere. The speed limit on the O’ahu freeways occasionally extends to 60, though very few people maximize the opportunity, but most of the time hovers in the 45 to 55 range. It’s not uncommon at all to be driving on a “highway” at about the same rate of speed that you navigate a school zone in California. Or, about with the same rate of urgency that the Lakers defended Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. Or, if you’re looking for an antonym, opposite of the rate that Kobe Bryant threw his teammates (specifically Pau Gasol and Andrew Bynum) under the bus. Can you really blame Bynum for saying he doesn’t care where he plays next season?

Another thing that’s odd about Hawaii, specifically O’ahu, is how their streetsigns are erected. Here in California, as in most places in the continental US, a street sign about an approaching freeway will be posted a decent distance before it arrives, as if to say hey, this freeway is coming up in case you wanted to get on it and needed to make a decision about which direction to travel on it. Why thank you, Mr. Streetsign. How kind of you to warn me! In Hawaii, it’s more like hey, back there is where you should have turned if you wanted to get on that freeway. But worry not, I’m sure you’ll find a great place to turn around in about 14 miles. Kind of like how the Lakers were defending Oklahoma City in those last couple of games. In case you were wondering who to guard, it was the guy who just scored an uncontested dunk and is now showboating in front of the scorer’s table.  Wait, did I already use that joke?

Had enough? Tough. A couple more observations from the islands that hit me like a Dustin Brown to Michal Roszival borderline hit.

Yeah, that hibiscus pineapple lemonade DID INDEED have alcohol in it… something I expected and paid for, but doubted until my ill fated attempt to nimbly hop off the barstool and find a mens room.

I don’t care how well behaved your children are, they need to be kept away from the waterslide during prime lunch and dinner hours. Seriously. They can be little angels 21 hours out of the day, but for the 1.5 hours each that cover lunch and dinner, they are screaming banshees. Kind of like no matter how impressive Ted Lilly’s ERA and record are, he’s merely lobbing grapefruits at the plate and it’s a matter of time before he gets raked for double digit runs in two and a third to bring his numbers up closer to his career standard of an ERA around 4… which still seems way better than a guy with questionable stuff and a complete inability to hold baserunners should have.

Enough with the pineapples already. Just… enough.

Additionally, much like Stephen A. Smith, Tony Kornheiser, Michael Wilbon, and a host of others should not take the fact that someone handed them a microphone as license to yell uninformed blither at the masses, people shouldn’t take being a tourist as license to act like a buffoon. A visit to the at-sea memorial for the USS Arizona at Pearl Harbor should be and is sombering to most… though I’d swear I was surrounded by half a dozen Fran Drescher clones… seriously, ladies, there are people at rest here. Shut up and show some respect. 

Lastly, O’ahu must be quite fond of their ABC stores. There’s one on every stinkin’ corner in Waikiki. Seriously. If you don’t know, ABC stores are like a 7-11 and Target smushed into one, and then thrown in a dryer to shrink… or copied and pasted into Microsoft Word and shrunk to 25%. Everything from Hawaiian shirts to souveniers to breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks for in between can be bought there. Why does there need to be one on every corner? I don’t know, but I’m sure it’s for the same reason that every golf tournament that’s broadcast feels the need to show every single one of Tiger Woods’ shots regardless of how far off the pace he is, and ESPN feels the need to show every Yankees game no matter that 9/10 of the country hates them.

Aloha.

I will start by admitting I cannot stand LeBron James.  Maybe because he came out of high school the same year as I did and he has about a quarter billion more dollars than me, or maybe it is because of the way he left Cleveland and he has been a rival to the Celtics since the first time he made the playoffs.  But that being said, back the hell off!  Check twitter, I made it clear I found it hilarious he got LeBron blocked and missed two free throws in the final few minutes of the fourth quarter, but at least he had the ball the majority of the quarter.  He played 43 minutes, and on that final possession, when the Heat were down three, he played a great decoy on the play which helped Chalmers get a shot that was a half dribble away from being uncontested.  Meanwhile, one Mr. Wade missed his final four shots, including a layup, and was called for a flagrant foul out of pure frustration.  Roles reversed, LeBron having the fourth Wade had and he would be all but crucified while Wade having the game LeBron had, and he would be praised for the minutes and flexibility of position put in. 

The fast forward another night, and you have the Lakers at the Thunder.  Lakers have a decent lead, and in further proof the NBA is pointless until the final 3 minutes, the Thunder come back and take a late lead.  There are a few seconds left and World Peace is taking the ball out of bounds.  The Lakers run a play, and Blake is wide open in the corner, the ball goes to him for an open three, and he shoots just long.  Now, here is the part I heard nobody point out after the game.  The ball bounces off the rim just past Kobe Bryant.  He did not make the slightest attempt for a rebound, and certainly did not make the heads up play to foul Westbrook, who had come up with the ball.  Instead Kobe throws a fit under the board that will surely be considered “competitiveness” by any LA media outlet.

Well, the Westbrook foul led to an inbound and another foul with 0.3 seconds left.  Durant made the first and missed the rim completely on the second.  So, with 0.3 seconds left the Lakers throw the ball ¾ court, and fail.  But here is what could have happened if Kobe wasn’t complaining about the ball going to a wide open shooter rather than him over multiple 7 footers in the midst of even more traffic.  Kobe could have bounced back after the shot and received an easy rebound, put it back in, and been the hero.  Even if he would have missed the rebound, he could have been in position to foul, saving a minimum of one second.  One second in basketball is 30 seconds in hockey time…you can actually run a play.  The foul would have left nearly a second and a half.  Durant would have shot both and made both, then a time out could bring the up half court.  The Lakers would have been able to run a play for a three pointer to tie and go to overtime.

But no, Kobe was too busy being a baby for not getting the ball in a situation that would have been a horrible idea.  Now, World Peace would have been forgiven because he was trying to get the ball to Kobe, but it would have been the worst decision he could possibly make.  Congrats Kobe, you have proved why basketball is losing the general public.  Intelligent people watch and realize that, while one player can make a difference, basketball is not at all a team game anymore.  You don’t get MJ letting Paxson or Kerr take the last shot, you get Kobe bitch his team to a loss and LeBron get ripped for distributing.  You get Tim Duncan going all but forgotten despite winning four rings by being a part of the epitome of a team.  NBA stars are bigger divas than NFL receivers, which are the only analogy I can think of in sports.  Even star footballers are bigger team players than a guy like Kobe.  So, can the media please stop bowing down to Kobe and ripping LeBron, and actually take a look at the actual play on the court for a change?  A little star accountability and we here at The Stain just may become interested again.

Oh, that’s right, they haven’t been there since the 60’s…but still, a blatant lack of class. Soccer seems to be filled with guys you just love to hate. Depending on your rooting interest, you might hate Wayne Rooney for his loud mouth, Drogba for diving if you look at him wrong, John Terry for sleeping with a teammate’s wife, Adebayor for looking exactly like Plaxico Burress, or Luis Suarez for his overall douchery. But today I believe Carlos Tevez has become public enemy #1 for me, and most United fans. Granted, in his time with United, he and Sir Alex Ferguson were far from buddy buddy, but during the Manchester City victory parade, Carlos Tevez managed to turn a celebration into a controversy. Maybe I am biased being a United fan, or maybe I am just ignorant to the typical celebrations during football victory parades around the world, but during a championship parade after an American championship, I really can’t recall a player taking blatant, cold hearted shots at an opponent. Sure, the 2004 Red Sox may have made some comments about the Yankees blowing a 3-0 series lead, but I don’t recall any of them saying Joe Torre’s career is dead. But Carlos Tevez holds up a “R.I.P Fergie” sign during the Manchester City victory parade, a sign that has actually caused “R.I.P Fergie” to trend on Twitter. Sure, Fergie can be accused of being a hypocrite when complaining of opponents playing dirty or officials making calls that clearly benefit the opposing team, but let’s face it, United probably gets 75% of the calls that could go either way, United does have players like Evra, Ferdinand, and Rooney who can use questionable tactics at times. But Sir Alex is arguably the best manager in the history of English football, much in the way a Phil Jackson or Joe Torre are considered the greats. Yeah, they have great teams with better talent than the other teams in the league, but still manage to keep the egos in check, and lift the talent to a level never before seen. Carlos Tevez is part of the first Manchester City team to win a league title since 1968. Meanwhile Sir Alex Ferguson has 12 league titles, 5 FA cup titles, 10 Community Shields, 2 Champions League titles, and a FIFA Club World Cup title. And that is just with United as a manager. So, go ahead Tevez, turn the day that should be simply a celebration for Manchester City and their fans, but instead all you have done is highlight the fact that City is still United’s little brother. You cannot tell the history of the Premiership without heavily featuring Manchester United and Sir Alex Ferguson. Manchester City will be merely a mention in the history of the league, and Tevez is a name that can easily be overlooked. Go back to enjoying this season’s accomplishments Tevez, United had it’s least talented squad in years this past season and you won on goal differential. You just pissed off Sir Alex, so you can bet United will load up going into next year, and leave you in the dust. Enjoy this while you can.

It is all too easy to give this award to Josh Beckett, a guy that basically complained about having just 18 off days a year.  That clearly doesn’t include any of the off-season, spring training, or days that he has just a bullpen session, long toss, or light jogging before getting a front row seat to games people spend hundreds of dollars a game.  But if he wants to consider a great day at the park as work, then I just feel bad for him.  The real douche of the week belongs to the high school Our Lady of Sorrows.  They refused to play, and as a result, forfeited the state championship baseball game against Mesa Preparatory Academy because Mesa has a girl on the team.  Paige Sultzbach, the 15 year old female second baseman, agreed to sit out the two regular season games against Our Lady of Sorrows, but understandably did not agree to sit out a game for the state championship.  Congrats Lady of Sorrows, you have taught your students that there is no such thing as equality and women should not be treated the same in competitive situations.  Don’t worry, I am sure none of your male students will ever have colleagues or even bosses that are women, well done, and contrary to your name, it isn’t a lady who should be filled with sorrows.

 

Bonus Rant:  I spent the past four days up in Flagstaff, Arizona for my brother’s college graduation and came across many oddities on the road, and have decided to share some of my thoughts and observations from the road. And fair warning, these are not sports related.

• Douche of the road: The car that pulls into the carpool lane, slows to 55 mph, and in less than 5 miles, has created a mile long stretch of cars that can’t get by.
• Never trust a strip club attached to the back of a truck stop in the middle of nowhere.
• Coming from someone that lives in place that is at least an hour and a half away from the nearest location, Sonic commercials lie….they are way better than that.  Seriously, I lived the commercials just by visiting.
• In Arizona there is a wash named the “Holy Moses Wash”, I can’t be sure, but I believe it parts in the middle.

• Behold…the elusive car hat.  You know, for when your car doesn’t want to get it’s hair messy.

 

Don Mattingly had 20 at bats against Jamie Moyer in his playing career. That’s more than all but two players currently on the Dodger roster. So, the manager has activated himself for tonight’s game. Sure, Donnie Baseball got his last career hit in a different century, but if you can’t get around on Moyer’s mid 70s heater, you shouldn’t even be playing co-ed softball.

In fairness to the 49 year old Moyer, his ERA is currently a very respectable 4.01. That’s serviceable most places, but especially when half of his innings, give or take, are thrown in the hitters’ haven of Coors Field.

That said, I’m setting the over under on strikes Moyer throws to Matt Kemp at 1, and betting the under.

What does a manager do when one of his players is mired in a slump, having fallen prone to poor habits? Well, bench him for a game or three, of course. Give him time to figure it out. What does a manager do when one of his players violates a team curfew, or shows up on game day hung over, or otherwise participates in conduct detrimental to the team? Well, suspend him, of course. You can apply this to just about any sport. A player screws up or suddenly can’t get it right, well, get him out of there for a bit. You don’t just cut the guy outright. Give him a chance to sort it out.

Why does it have to be all or nothing with a manager? Why can’t a GM step in when his manager goes on a streak of poor decision making that starts costing his team games? Why can’t the GM simply sit the manager out for a few games, turning the reigns over to a bench coach for a few games, rather than firing him, or continuing to watch him botch big decision after big decision?

Dodgers Manager Don Mattingly is a prime example of a manager who needs to be benched. Fired? Not yet. He has some great managerial qualities. He knows how to talk to his players, keep them focused, bring the best out of most of them. He has the gravitas to his words that really only a former player (and all-star at that) can have with his current players. Sure, he also has his flaws. He refuses to call out umpires despite an alarming slew of close calls (and some that were not so close, right Mr. Welke?) going incorrectly against the Dodgers. I firmly believe that a manager needs to be willing to run out there and bump an umpire, go on an expletive-laced tirade in a post-game press conference, rip a base out of the ground and wing it into the outfield. Draw some attention to the fact that, either intentionally or otherwise, the umpires are screwing your team repeatedly. Now, that being said, this is not what this article is about.

Mattingly has shown alarmingly bad decision making this season. This fact has been somewhat obscured by the fact that the team is 8 games over .500 at the time of this article and in first place, but make no mistake. It’s in spite of Mattingly. If not for the Cy Young caliber of pitching being delivered by Ted Lilly and Chris Capuano (guys who were merely expected to eat innings and keep the team in games) and the superhuman offensive exploits of Matt Kemp, this team could easily be 8 games below .500. There is no finer example of Mattingly’s ineptitude than last night’s game against the Giants.

Twice, trailing by one run, Mattingly asked his hitter to bunt in a situation where the Dodgers had first and second, and nobody out. What’s wrong with this, you ask? Well, unless your hitter is your pitcher, or you have the opportunity to move the winning run to third with less than two outs in bottom of any game-winning inning (ninth or later), bunting is simply idiotic and counter-productive. Even when successful. Empirical data proves it, if you even need empirical data to prove that essentially gift-wrapping and giving your opponent a free out when you only get three per inning is moronic. Very few things are worse. And Mattingly managed to pull off two of them within a couple innings of one another.

First, he asked Juan Uribe to sacrifice runners over in the 6th. Granted, Uribe was a collosal disaster last year, but actually has shown signs of swinging the bat better this season. They brought him in to produce. Drive in runs in the clutch. Hit for power. And then, in the exact situation that you paid him $21 million over three years to perform in, you ask him to make an automatic out. It’s inexplicable. Even in the best case scenario, (Uribe gets the bunt down successfully and both runners advance) you have your 8th place hitter up (the very capable AJ Ellis), who would then just be intentionally walked to bring up the pitcher Clayton Kershaw. Sure, you could pinch hit for him… but then your best pitcher is now out of the game and there’s no guarantee you even push the tying run across. Especially with the abomination of players that comprise the Dodger bench (the excellent but injured Jerry Hairston notwithstanding). Invariably, it’s a disaster. Uribe bunts into a double play (though the first base ump cheated missed the call horribly on the back end).

As if that wasn’t enough, the Dodgers had the exact situation in the 8th inning, only this time it was Mark Ellis up. On deck, the inhuman Matt Kemp. The WORST thing you can possibly do is have Ellis bunt, right? Even if he does it perfectly, you are guaranteeing that the best hitter in the universe whose name doesn’t contain either Josh or Hamilton in it doesn’t get to swing the bat. Moreover, you KNOW that the Giants have Javier Lopez in the pen, who hasn’t given up anything to a left handed hitter since Truman was president, to face Ethier. How did not a single member of the Dodger coaching staff intervene. Nothing, I repeat, nothing could possibly have been worse than asking Ellis to bunt. So you had to know that the bunt would be EXACTLY what Mattingly ordered Ellis to do. I doubt you need to be told, but I will tell you anyway. Ellis bunted well, moved the runners up. The Giants walked Kemp intentionally, brought in Lopez to face Ethier, who promptly hit into an inning-ending double play. I have witnesses who both saw and heard me predict exactly this.

If I repeatedly made mistakes of this magnitude at my day job, I would be summarily fired. Quickly. Mistakes are one thing. But seriously, if a manager was throwing a game because he bet against his own team, he WOULDN’T bunt in those situations because he would probably think it would make his self-sabotage too OBVIOUS!!!  I might have a stroke…

Again, I don’t want Mattingly fired. I think he has the potential to do good things as a manager. But if Mike Scioscia can sit down Albert Pujols after the slugger has a homerless April and a batting average near the Mendoza line, if Mattingly himself can sit down James Loney for hitting less than two bucks, Ned Colletti has to be able to step in and remove Mattingly as manager for a few games. He must have this ability, this freedom, this emergency brake to pull. These are the kinds of things than can start lengthy losing streaks if not kept in check. The Dodgers really have an opportunity to build on their good start. Their division is weak. Their pitching is strong. They just have to figure out a way to avoid getting caught in the crossfire of the circular firing squad that is their manager right now.  

Seriously, eat your heart out, Harry Houdini. Another year, another great relegation escape by Wigan Athletic, the little Lancashire team that could. Easily one of the most unfashionable teams to ever experience any kind of extended stay in the Premiership, one can be forgiven for thinking that the Latics have outlived their shelf life in the top flight. After all, other than their inaugural season in the top flight, one in which they finished comfortably in mid-table and never really saw any danger, every single season has been battle to avoid relegation. Some have been more harrowing than others; a late penalty from David Unsworth against Sheffield United in the last game to secure safety, a 1-0 win away to Stoke in the last game of last season after a stoppage time winner from Charles N’Zogbia against West Ham to keep hope alive the previous week. Every other season has seen Wigan finally clinch safety right around Game 37.

Then there was this year. Roll the calendar back to March, and there are the Latics, firmly anchored to the bottom of the table, multiple wins adrift from safety. The officiating has done them no favors, ranging from the comically bad to the blatantly biased, and with 9 games to go, a veritable Murderers’ Row of Liverpool, Manchester United, Chelsea, Arsenal, and Champions League hopefuls Newcastle remain on the docket. When you’re a minnow like Wigan, every match is an uphill battle. Those against the top 6 might as well be the Plight of Syssiphus.

The following run of games really should be the stuff of legend. Wins away to Liverpool and Arsenal, home against Man U and Newcastle (not to mention another robbery from the officials depriving them of a deserved win against Chelsea) away to Stoke (no slouches at the Brittania), and finally the clincher away to Blackburn and it’s another year in the top flight for the Latics. This wasn’t David slaying Goliath. This was David slaying four Goliaths, a schoolyard bully and then (admittedly picking on someone its own size

You can argue all day long about how they somehow manage to pull off great escape after great escape. Maybe it’s luck. Maybe God loves them. But whatever it is, the circumstances under which they do it are what make their accomplishments truly remarkable. This isn’t your Moneyball Oakland Athletics competing with bigger and richer baseball squads using algorithms and innovative analysis to determine what slightly undervalued players might perform at a high enough level for a bargain salary to make the playing field less slanted. This is a team that loses its best players to greener (both in the money sense and the other cliché) pastures after every year. The players they’ve lost over the years would make up a pretty good side. Jimmy Bullard, Leighton Baines, Jason Roberts, Henri Camara, Antonio Valencia, Wilson Palacios, Charles N’Zogbia, Emile Heskey, Paul Scharner, and the list goes on to include other lesser known but influential players like Pascal Chimbonda and Lee Cattermole. Heck, even Titus Bramble fled town for the relative comforts of Sunderland.

Every year, they’re forced to replenish the roster with a new batch of players who must somehow be good enough to keep them up again. And it’s not as if they can shrug their shoulders and just grab players who are established equals of the departed. Wigan isn’t exactly a desirable club in a desirable location! The weather sucks, the team is a preseason pick for the drop every year, and they can barely get enough fans to a home game to populate a nightclub. They have to troll the lower divisions, vulture the relegated teams, venture to far off continents in hopes of unearthing gems who can compete in the World’s best league, with the full knowledge that those who prove to be the elusive gems will merely be using Wigan as a stepping stone to bigger and better things. It’s a battle inside of a vicious cycle.

After this year, they figure to lose Victor Moses, their brightest young star. Hugo Rodallega also figures to exit stage elsewhere, despite an unimpressive campaign. Midfield dynamo James McCarthy is another who might be gone. They’ll likely have to fend off advances for Ali Al Habsi, and maybe even James McArthur, whose late season emergence as a destroyer in the defensive midfield likely drove his stock up. Once again, they’ll hang their hats on soldiers like the dependable Emerson Boyce, whose tenure with the team is surpassed only by backup goalie, Mike Pollitt. And captain Gary Caldwell, who somehow transformed himself from calamity-prone joke punchline to uncompromising titan in defense over the last two months. And Franco Di Santo, whose general inability to score goals might be overlooked due to his top drawer work rate. And Antolin Alcaraz, he of the safety-clinching goal against Blackburn. And whomever else Roberto Martinez can convince to stay on, as well as join his little, unheralded squad, perhaps using the skill-oriented attractive style he imported as bait.

That is of course, if Sir Alex Ferguson doesn’t retire and choose Martinez as his hand-picked replacement in the city of Manchester. Because that’s going to happen one day. Carve it in stone. It’s going to happen. Just hopefully not yet.

It is not all that often you will see two posts on the same topic, but I have to share my opinion of the events in last nights Nationals-Phillies game. I actually loved seeing the game handled the way it was. I am already sick of the Bryce Harper hype, despite him being a key piece of my dynasty style fantasy league. Bryce Harper is being treated like a superstar, but he is only a 19 year old kid with a handful of games under his belt, and, granted, immense talent.

It was obvious, and props to Hamels owning up to it, the ball in the middle of Harper’s back was intentional, but also the right way to hit somebody. A fastball right between the numbers on the back. No risk of long term injury, but a guarantee he will feel it and have a welt to show for it. Harper handled himself like a vet, just jogged down to first, and made Hamels pay with excellent base running. Harper went from first to third on a single, and then stole home when Hamels threw over to first. Both incredibly heads up plays, and one of the few ways to win after getting intentionally drilled.

I agreed with Orel Hershiser that following inning when the 3 hole hitter for the Phillies came up with nobody on and two out, it was a perfect time to retaliate, but Zimmerman passed. At the time, I was disappointed in Zimmerman’s decision. Then, on Hamels first trip to the plate, there it was, the retaliatory pitch. Now, Torsten is right, the pitch he hit him with was awful. There is a right and wrong way to hit a batter, and Zimmerman did it wrong. The ball should be from waist to shoulder blade height and right in the middle of the body, just as Hamels had delivered.

Henry Rodriguez putting a ball in someone’s back certainly would have been a good second option, but the situation was properly handled by all parties. Hamels made a statement that was simple and clear. “Bryce Harper, welcome to the Bigs, you are no prodigy up here, you are just another fish in a huge pond, and I am gonna let you know it.” Harper took the message, and shoved it in Hamels face with the steal of home. Zimmerman hit Hamels letting him know he was not going to stand for him hitting one of his teammates. The managers sat back and let it work itself out, and the Umpire came out with a simple, not theatrical warning, acknowledging, but not adding to the situation,

Overall, I was proud of both teams for the way last night went down. Lots of respect around from me. Hamels for having the balls to throw at a future superstar and be blunt with the media about the fact that is exactly what he was doing. But even bigger respect goes out to Harper. He could have easily complained, he could have easily let it get into his head and slacked around the bases, but he went out there and manned up. He should wear that welt with pride, and then go get a damn hair cut.