So, Augusta National has finally admitted its first female members. What a joyous occasion for civil rights and gender equality! Whoop de @#$%ing do… Seriously, it’s nice when a person or group which for years has been steeped in racism and misogyny finally sees the light, but it means very little. As long as institutions like Total Women and Curves, fitness centers available only to women, are allowed to exist, it’s pointless. It’s little more than a publicity stunt. As long as things like Black History Month are allowed to exist and society is force fed as much during the commercials of every single television show in February, it’s an exercise in futility. Can you imagine the backlash anyone would receive if they making 1/12th of the calendar White History Month?

Let’s make this very simple. All people should be equal. Men and women should be paid the same for the same work. Blacks, whites, and every race in between should be able to coexist harmoniously in all aspects of life. Gays should be allowed to marry (editor’s note: my opinion, and not reflective of anyone else’s), and intolerance of racism and discrimination in all aspects of life, not just sports, needs to be ratcheted up to unprecedented levels. Luis Suarez should have been banned the entirely of the EPL season last year for his racial abuse of Patrice Evra.

But we as a society are moving backwards. How else can you explain that a group of backwards good ole boys finally caving to societal pressure after decades of bigotry being treated with what amounts to celebration? It’s ridiculous.

Moving on, know what else is ridiculous? People are still talking about the Bobby Valentine nonsense in Boston. Do the players want him fired? Do they not? Are they lying about it? Is the sky blue? Know what the problem is in Boston? Because I do. They suck. Period, end of story. Whitey Herzog once famously said, paraphrased, give me good players and I’ll be a good manager. Give me bad players and I’ll be a bad manager.

Lastly, is it just me, or does some of the urgency to get a new deal for the NFL referees suddenly come from the not disastrous performance the replacement officials are doing? Look, I’m not an expert ref, but I know suckiness when I see it. NFL officials are terrible. The replacements, at least in the preseason so far, have been doing no worse than any of the regulars have done for years. I think that the media, owners, league, and fans expected there to be such calamitous reffing in the preseason that the league would do backflips trying to strike a new deal. But it hasn’t been that bad, and suddenly, at least in my opinion, the league has the power in the negotiations, not the officials.

Ok, one more tidbit. I’ve been waiting for ANYONE to print or broadcast it, but I haven’t seen it happen yet so I might as well come out with it. Would you like to know what the worst thing in the history of things was? Answer, NBC’s Olympic coverage. I have never seen worse coverage of anything in my life. I hope they go bankrupt. I am not exaggerating, you couldn’t have done a more poor job with a revered sporting institution that only comes around every four years if you had tried. NBC should be embarrassed, and pay everyone’s cable or dish bill for those two weeks.

I used to do a monthly column about stupidity in sports, but today, I would like to focus on stupidity with a sports fan.  Let me start with a question.  When you go to your car in the middle of the summer with it 100+ degrees outside, don’t you stare at your seat and seatbelt and immediately get bummed out cause you know they are gonna be hot as hell?  What about when you go to the local park with metal bleachers…don’t you know the bleacher seats are gonna be crazy hot?  Well, apparently not everyone has the same common sense.  A Dallas Cowboy fan is suing the Cowboys after burning her ass on a bench outside the stadium.  Yup, you heard right.  She claims to have received third degree burns and needed skin grafts on her rear end after sitting on a black marble bench.  The reason she blames the Cowboys…there were no signs alerting her that the seat might be hot.  Does Starbucks need to post signs that coffee might burn your tongue?  Do restaurants with an outside fire place need to post a sign that sticking your hand in the fire might hurt?  Do swimming pools need to post signs that if you stay under water for too long, you will drown?  Does Williams Sonoma need to post a sign that their kitchen knives can cut you if you drag the blade along your skin?  And how long do you have to sit on a hot bench to get third degree burns?  Wouldn’t you stand up after sitting on it and realizing it is really hot?  What is this world coming to?

 

As briefly hinted at in the first piece of your fantasy football guide to guaranteed winning, one of my biggest pet peeves in fantasy is that everyone just says, don’t draft a defense and kicker until the last two rounds. Why do they say this? Because everyone else says it, and much like most Mitt Romney supporters, they’re incapable of formulating independent thoughts. What, too far? Anyway, what’s ridiculous is that guys will draft third quarterbacks, retired wide receivers, an 8th running back, and any number of guys who will never ever be active, or at the very most, perhaps once as a bye week fill in, before they pick a defense or a kicker. Unless I’m missing something, the kicker and defense you pick in your draft are designed to be active in every week but one. Of course, things happen, like bad play and injuries. Defenses and kickers get dropped just like any other position. But isn’t a spot that is going to be filled week in and week out worthy of more than just a end-of-draft throw away pick? Trendy “fliers” in years past like Early Doucet, Chaz Shilens, Devin Aroshmadu and dozens more are consistently outscored by a decent kicker. Same things with blasts from the past, as this year, Randy Moss, Chad Johnson, Brandon Jacobs, and a load of others will get picked before most kickers and defenses, and will not accumulate anywhere near as many points. Isn’t it worth it to not wait until the end, rather, use an 11th or 12th rounder on a kicker and defense to ensure you get a decent one?

How to pick a kicker: Simple. Find a high scoring offense or a guy a with a long history of being accurate. Guys like Gostkowski, Hartley, Crosby, and Hansen figure to be premium producers. David Akers, Ryan Longwell, and Robbie Gould figure to be guys who are consistent, because throughout their careers, they’ve been accurate. Makes count. Misses hurt. Get guys who either make their kicks, or get lots of opportunities.

How not to pick a kicker: Just grabbing the hometown guy, especially, if the team sucks. Believe it or not, a lot of guys will take the kicker from their favorite team as a sort of homage. It’s weird, I know. It’s also carelessly idiotic. I’m a Rams fan. Sure, it would be easy to grab Greg Zeurlein, especially because indications are in camp he has enough leg to hit from 70. Then you look at the big picture, and the Rams might very well be the only team in NFL history to not score a point over an entire season. And that’s only a slight exaggeration. But the point is, even if Zeurlein is among the best kickers in the league, he will have among the fewest opportunities.

How to pick a defense: The 49rs figure to be one of the first defenses off the board this year, based on their excellent performance last season. That said, they don’t figure to cause nearly as many turnovers this season. They’re a known quantity. Look at takeaway numbers from last year, and ask yourself which of the defenses near the top of the list surprises you the most. For me, I will be looking at defenses like Texas and Arizona this year. Not all that heralded, but if you look closer, you have young, athletic units that play aggressively and get sacks and turnovers. As an added bonus, the Cards have Patrick Peterson returning kicks, and he’s potentially good for a half dozen return touchdowns next year.

How not to pick a defense: By ADP. Know how often the top ranked defense in the preseason has ended up being the top scoring defense in fantasy at the end of that season? Not recently. That’s simply just not how it works, and there’s way more to fantasy scoring for a defense than not giving up that many points.

Got it? Good. Now email us in 6 months and tell us how you dominated your league based on all this priceless advice.

Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. But seriously, who doesn’t? Not too long ago, fantasy relevant tight ends included Antonio Gates, Tony Gonzalez, Dallas Clark, Jason Witten, and… yeah. So ultimately what ended up happening was, somebody would reach, take Gates way to early and start a run, or everyone punted on tight end and four people ended up getting really good value for their pick late. The position entirely, however, has changed.

Positional Depth: B+. You actually have a couple guys out there in Gronk and Graham that are potentially worthy of second round picks, and a whole bunch of other guys who are performing fantasy wise at a WR2 or 3 level. If you end up with one of the premium guys in the second round, you are looking good. Even if you’re the 12th guy to pick a tight end, it’s not the end of the world. That said, pick right. This is going to be a key position this year.

Guys to Stay Away From: Tony Gonzalez is not getting any younger. His production is showing signs of dropping and, while he is still a good player, that doesn’t quit matter as much in fantasy. Another trendy pick is Colby Fleener. The Luck/Fleener tandem is appealing storywise, but a rookie tight end who is chasing passes from a rookie quarterback does not usually end up being a significant fantasy contributor.

Breakout Year: Jared Cook. The South Carolina product has big play ability as he showed on multiple occasions last year. And whether it’s Matt Hasselbeck or Jake Locker throwing to him, he can go get it. His numbers will be tempered slightly by the Chris Johnson oriented offense Tennessee runs, but he is primed for a big year. You heard it here first. Or second. Or last. Doesn’t mean it isn’t correct.

Tip to Remember: Past success IS an indicator of future success, even with quarterback changes, coaching changes, team changes. When a guy who isn’t getting too old has a history of solid play but ends up in a new situation, there is nothing to say he won’t benefit. Take the Redskins’ Fred Davis. Hard worker. Good hands. Good enough speed for respectable yards after catch numbers. And while RG3 IS a rookie, he’ll need a security blanket. And Davis is just the kind of mature veteran who will do what it takes to make sure his rookie signal caller has an outlet. 80 receptions, or even 90, is a very real possibility, as are 8 tds to go along with it. Also, don’t let the fact that Tom Brady has Gronk deter you from snagging Aaron Hernandez a bit later on in your draft. He’s not at Gronk’s level, but he is a very good player with good hands and good instincts. He will, barring injury, be a top 12 tight end.

Don’t Forget About: John Carlson. I honestly don’t know what all the fuss is about Kyle Rudolph. Apparently, the Vikings figured out he may not be anything beyond just a good role player, which would explain why the Vikes went out and got the uber talented Carlson, whom the Seahawks were idiotic to let go, even if they did replace him with Zach Miller. Also, if you are really really really looking to take a late flier on someone at this position, Michael Hoomanawanui on the Rams has all the tools to put up great numbers if he can stay healthy and the O line can keep Bradford off of the turf. Lance Kendricks is a prime example of a high draft pick by an incompetent regime and Hoomanawanui is better in every way… again, if he can stay healthy. Stay tuned for kickers and defense, which will be rolled into one article since I doubt anyone cares enough to read either.

“But Torsten,” you say. “How can we achieve guaranteed victory without your expert WR input?”  You can’t, child. You can’t.  Admittedly, this position has caused me much scorn over the past couple seasons. Guys I have passed on against my better judgement include Jordy Nelson, Jeremy Maclin, and others. Instead, I have gone after guys like Stevie “Jesus Hates Me” Johnson, Anquan Boldin, DeSean Jackson, and company. It’s easy to say in hindsight that I was stupid but if you just look at the facts… yeah, okay, let’s not look to closely. We wouldn’t want to confirm what my mother has suspected for years. On we go…

Positional Depth: A-/B+. In the pass-happy game these days, more and more wide receivers have been elevated in fantasy terms from irrelevant and marginal to productive and valuable. The score could even be higher but there’s only one Megatron. Then there’s only one Larry Fitzgerald placing a close second. Then you have packs of guys who are varying degrees of good. If you happen to miss out on Megatron, not something I recommend doing if you have the option, you may as well also let Fitz pass you by too, as someone from the Kevin Kolb John Skelton duo will emerge as the starter, not something a fantasy owner wants to hear. But he’s still not someone you’d want to stay away from, necessarily, as his numbers will still be there. That will be reserved for guys like…

Guys to Stay Away From: Andre Johnson. Usually, guys don’t suddenly become less succeptible to injury as they age, and it has been a while since Johnson has been able to string 16 healthy games together. Anyone who spends a first round or high second round pick on AJ will regret it. To a lesser degree, avoid Vincent Jackson if you can. He was inconsistent with Philip Rivers throwing him the ball, I can’t see any human way that improves with Josh Freeman at the helm. Also, unless you’re in a PPR league or one that rewards heavily for return yardage for whatever reason, don’t bother with Danny Amendola. Yeah, he’s a good player. And trust me, I know talent. There’s so little of it on my Rams that it sticks out like a sore thumb when it’s actually there. But the reality is, while he may catch 100 balls, the majority will be of the 6-8 yard variety; useful to his team, irrelevant in fantasy. And… Mario Manningham. I wouldn’t be a Rams fan if I didn’t bag on one 49er in this post. Super Mario is a good deep threat. Alex Smith is a dreadful deep thrower. Enough said?

Breakout Year: I’m far from the only one calling this, but that doesn’t make it un-printworthy. Malcom Floyd, out from V Jax’s shadow could have a huge year. His main competition for targets being Robert Meachem and an aging Antonio Gates doesn’t hurt either. Another guy I’ve liked for a while is Legedu Naane. Davone Bess and Brian Hartline also figure to benefit from Brandon Marshall’s departure. I don’t see Naane being a star, but we’ll all need guys to step in during a bye week or fill in for a hurt guy and Naane is a good option there this year. Lastly, I love me some Titus Young. Granted, teams putting nanuple coverage on Megatron hasn’t stopped him from putting up otherworldly numbers, but Matthew Stafford has three legitimate options in Tron, Young, and Brandon Pettigrew. Anything even resembling a running game, and the continued maturity of Stafford, Young will break 1000 yards receiving. Guaranteed. Just like your win.

Tip to Remember: Who is throwing the ball matters. So do last year’s statistics, at least as a reference point. But what about guys who switched teams? Will Brandon Marshall do better with Jay Cutler than he did with Chad Henne? Matt Moore? Will Vincent Jackson do better with Josh Freeman than with Phil Rivers? What if Dwayne Bowe gets traded (he won’t), will he do better with someone besides Matt Cassel? It matters.

Don’t Forget About: Brandon Lloyd. He was incorrectly dismissed as a fluke with Denver and Kyle Orton. He performed surprisingly well for the Rams with Kellen Friggin Clemens throwing to him. And now he runs routes for Tom Brady. Just sayin…

As promised in your Fantasy Football Player’s Guide to Guaranteed Victory, here is your running back breakdown for next season.

Positional Depth: D. Gone are the days of your workhorse back who piles up 30 carries a game. Sure, the ghost of Jerome Bettis still haunts a few teams (in that good way). Arian Foster, Ray Rice, Steven Jackson, Chris Johnson. Maybe one or two other guys along with these four are the undisputed lead backs that are going to get a vast majority of backfield touches. Obviously, you’d like them to fill the RB spots on your roster, but do the math. Perhaps six guys who aren’t in an obvious time share, probably 10-12 teams in your league. Not everybody gets one. It’s going to be more important than ever this season to choose intelligently when it comes to your running backs. This means, don’t end up (or at least don’t reach for) certain guys, overpay for certain others, and hope to get lucky. Good thing you have the FFPGGV.

Guys to Stay Away From: Reggie Bush comes to mind (PPR leagues not withstanding). If Tannehill wins the QB job, defenses are going to stack the line and make him beat them with his arm. Not good news for an upright runner like Reggie. Peyton Hills will be fine as a change of pace back to Jamal Charles in KC, and might vulture a td or two. But that’s it. And then there’s my boy… Steven Jackson. Sure, he has only missed two games (both last year) in the last few seasons, but every single week one, he seems to tweak a quad or a groin and be at half speed for half the season, before barely crossing the 1000 yard threshold at the end. He’s a great back when healthy, but his seeming aversion to stretching make him a huge gamble for how high you would have to take him as an unquestioned bellcow guy.

Breakout Year: Well, I don’t know that you can call it a breakout THIS year, as his last season was pretty great, but I’m of the mindset that Marshawn Lynch’s 2011 was not a fluke. He can play, Seattle’s line is better than it gets credit for, and Matt Flynn, even though I told you stay away from him last article, will provide upgraded non-fantasy quarterback play from Tavaris Jackson. All things that bode well for Lynch’s 2012 fantasy numbers. You may also want to keep an eye on Ronnie Hillman who could turn into a frequent target for Peyton Manning in Denver, and Toby Gerhart. No, I don’t think AP is going to get hurt again, but I do think Gerhart will see more time in an effort to keep AP healthy, and I do think they are going to play a lot more two back sets to take advantage of Gerhart’s criminally undervalued receiving ability out of the backfield.

Tip to Remember: Every position contains with it a strategy to avoid getting completely shafted during bye weeks. Mine, though many disagree with it, is to try to draft as many players with the same bye week as possible. Sure, I punt that week, but the other bye schedule weeks I’m as close to full strength as possible. Either way, with QBs, you’re hoping you hit a hot fluke (Alex Smith against New Orleans in the playoffs, anyone? And yes, I know, not fantasy-relevant, but statistically it’s a valid analogy). With receivers, you can pluck guys off the wire that get 5 for 50 most weeks, and if you luck into a touchdown, you don’t lose too much. With a RB, you NEED a touchdown. You find a starter on the wire, so you’ll need to target a goalline vulture. Think Mike Tolbert from last year in San Diego (he won’t have the same opportunities in Carolina), or Fridge Perry from circa ’85 Chicago. This year, it could be BenJarvus Green-Ellis. He has never fumbled in a professional game so like they did in New England, Cincy will have no problem giving him the ball down low. Did you get that? He. Has. Never. Fumbled. That’s ridiculous…

Don’t Forget About: Charles. JC suffered a brutal injury last year, but he’s kind of like a poor man’s Chris Johnson, except better than the rich guy. Make sense? Didn’t think so… but if he stays healthy, he will win a LOT of people their league. It’s a significant if, but he may be available in the third or fourth round. Also, Rashad Mendenhall… because Isaac Redman is anything but the answer. And Fred Jackson. Folks forget, before his season-ending foot surgery, he was at or close to the top of fantasy RB scoring, depending on your format. And it wasn’t fluky, as he does everything well, including pick up the blitz.

Stay tuned for more fantasy genius on wide receivers. Here’s a spoiler alert for you. Not a single Ram will be recommended for draft, unless you’re doing some kind of weird dynasty format with 35 rounds in your draft and Danny Amendola is available in the 33rd.

Much has been made of the Miami Marlins apparent fire sale leading into the MLB non-waiver trade deadline.  It began with the Marlins dealing away face of the franchise Hanley Ramirez, and didn’t end until the deadline buzzer rang, but despite a massive turnover on the roster, I actually think the Marlins were huge winners in the trading season.  The players, along with Hanley, that were dealt by the Marlins included Omar Infante, Anibal Sanchez, Gaby Sanchez, Edward Mujica, and Matt Dominguez.  But take a look at who they have received.  Nathan Eovaldi, young pitcher, just 22, who could certainly turn out to be a solid #3 starter.  Jacob Turner, a 21 year old with the potential to be an ace of a staff.  Zach Cox is a guy that could become a solid starting third baseman, and again, he is just 23.  Gorkys Hernandez, a true center fielder that can cover a ton of ground in that big ballpark and has a bat that can keep him as a contributing factor for years to come, oh, and he is 24.  They also acquired an old Carlos Lee, but don’t be surprised if he gets moved as a waiver trade in the month of August for more young arms and/or bats.  At quick glance, it looks as though the Marlins are waiving the white flag and are in rebuilding mode, but after breaking down the moves, it becomes quite clear, the Marlins are not rebuilding, they are reloading, and if the guys they brought in get to 75% of their potential, the Marlins just might be in a long battle with the Washington Nationals and Atlanta Braves to win the NL East next season.  While many are criticizing the Marlins moves, I am one who is actually applauding them.

And by guaranteed, of course, I mean… odds are somewhat in your favor. Pretty much all fantasy football players rely on a column of sorts to help them with draft advice, waiver wire pickups, matchup statistics, etc. The writers of these columns bill themselves as experts. But are they really? They make weekly predictions, about half of which hit, and the other half usually ends up being farcical in its collective awfulness. But, as they say, that’s part of the game. Still, isn’t it funny how they never really talk about their credentials? How do you know they aren’t just good writers with clever senses of humor? Yes, ESPN’s Matthew Berry, I’m looking at you, among others. Berry is an EXCELLENT writer and has an endearing sense of humor replete with self deprecation that you can’t help but like. But is a he a real expert? Maybe. Or maybe his status as an expert is more due to his ability to write insightful and entertaining columns… which in the large scheme of things is something to be much prouder of than having won your league last year, but I digress.

In this column, or series as it were, I will be highlighting players to grab and avoid by position, starting wtih quarterbacks. But first, let me tell you about me in a few brief sentences. I play fantasy football every year, and have for about the last ten years. The last five years or so, I have taken the game a bit more “seriously,” if that term can even be used. I play in at least three, but never more than four leagues every year. And in my worst years, I have still never had a team not reach the finals in one of the leagues, and never missed the playoffs with more than half of my teams. Sure, I’ve had a few bad seasons. Injuries, poor decisions, Mike Shanahan, and your opponent’s kicker hanging 21 points on you on Monday night happen. Obviously, I lack the financial clout to make you any kind of iron clad guarantee of winning your league, or finishing in the money even. But what I can guarantee you is this: Stick to a few very simple principles of fantasy football and you will be okay:

1) In the earlier rounds of your draft, points are points. Don’t make a panic pick of Eli Manning in the early second round because everyone else in your league is making a run on QBs. Of course, if you can get Rodgers, Brady, or Brees early, you do. But if not, fine. Take the best player available (not necessarily on a print out from Rotoworld or ESPN, just the best player). Do you think Adrian Peterson will be healthy? If not, stay away. But if you do, he’ll be available in the second or third round, and if you missed out on a top quarterback, don’t panic and take Tony Romo here. Peterson, or whatever running back you want to plug in here that gets the majority of his team’s carries and red zone opportunities, is way better. It’s okay to have three running backs and two wide receivers after five picks. Ben Roethlisberger behind a vastly improved offensive line will still be available. Points are points, regardless of where they come from.

2) Play it safe early. Your first 8 picks are not for taking flyers. Like Trent Richardson? Great. Get him… if he’s available in the fourth round. Sure, T Rich, Doug Martin, and company may turn out to be awesome, but most rookies don’t turn out awesome right away. And unless you’re in keeper or dynasty league of sorts, there are much safer plays. Let your buddies fight over RG3 and Andrew Luck. Veteran Ryan Fitzpatrick will still be on the board long after those two are gone, and he was great before finishing the second half of 2011 with a rib injury, something no longer hampering him. And an improved Bills defense figures to land them better average starting field position.

3) The last and second to last rounds are NOT for your kickers and defenses. It’s a popular and trendy axiom people spout, that anyone who takes a kicker before the last round is an idiot. Of course I’m not advocating taking a kicker anywhere in your first 8 or 9 picks, but why not in round 11 or 12? The difference between a David Akers, Matt Prater, Sebastian Janikowski et al and the rest of the Steven Hauschkas and Nick Folks of the world can be immense. Take your 11th or 12th round pick, and target a kicker with a decent resume, if possible one who kicks indoors, and if also possible one on a decent offensive team. People make a huge deal out of double digit fantasy games. What does two 40 yard field goals and two extra points add up to? That’s right, a double digit fantasy game.

3a) It’s not as big of a stigma that follows you if you take a defense a bit earlier, but still. Don’t jump the gun but don’t wait to the end. When your starting line up is complete, start looking at defenses with a strong defensive line and ignore points allowed in leagues that reward you for sacks. In actual play, the Rams’ defense may be a laughing stock, but with 4 very strong pass rushers up front, they will get lots of sacks and force bad throws that result in picks. Sure, they will give up some points, if they grab you a few sacks every week and the occasional pick or fumble return for a score, the good outweighs the bad by miles.

4) Handcuffs are for criminals. Drafting Isaiah Pead just because you have Steven Jackson and he may get hurt is a waste of a pick. You should have enough viable running backs to slot someone in in the event of an injury, bye week, whatever.

5) Make a list. You are not a savant that can remember every player you may want. Write down a group of players for each round that you would want if they are available. Write down your flyers. Write down your guys to stay away from. When you get late into your draft and still need a tight end, and the clock is running down on you, you’re 7 beers deep, and your top 300 list you printed out has so many doodles and chicken scratches on it that it looks like an Etch a Sketch after a 9.7 earthquake, are you going to remember that tight end’s name on the Titans who a lot of guys are saying is going to put up better numbers than Antonio Gates this season? Maybe. Maybe not.

6) Never, ever, get insulting with your trash talk. If you crushed a guy, a little ribbing is called for. But rememember, you may need to make a deal or two over the course of your season, and people are way more willing to help out the nice guy than the douchebag. So after you just clobbered the guy, rather than, “Suck it, @#$%!!!!!” go with something like, “I thought you’d be walking a little funnier after this weekend! But don’t worry, we all take an ass kicking at some point during the year. I hope you don’t take out your revenge on me in playoffs. Let’s grab a beer, I got the first round.”

7) Check your line up Sunday morning. You can make changes up until just a few minutes before kick off and you don’t want a last minute scratch due to injury giving you a donut in your box score. If you can’t get to a computer on Sunday morning, do it Saturday night, and anyone with a “Q” next to their availability, just park ’em on the bench and play someone else. Take it from the guy who kept Roy Helu active in last season’s finals over Ahmad Bradshaw. Don’t ask what the final score was. Just… don’t.

So, without further ado, let’s get to the signal callers:

Positional Depth: (A to F grading system you would know better if you hadn’t ditched 90% of highschool) B. There’s a huge gap between the elite and the bottom feeder starters, moreso than any other position. However, in a ten team league, the tenth quarterback chosen still ought to post decent numbers.

Guy to Stay Away From: Robert Griffin III. Rookie, rookie, rookie. For every Cam Newton, there’s a half dozen JaMarcus Russells. You’re much better off with Carson Palmer who is going later in drafts. I can’t believe I just said that. Honorable mentions; Michael Vick, Peyton Manning, Matt Flynn. It’s perfectly fine to take a late pick on a guy with huge upside but who is injury prone, or a guy who has shined in limited action, but never seen full time duty. But these guys will be gone way before they should be.

Breakout Year: Andy Dalton. Decent line? Check. Super stud receiver? Check. Good ground game? Ch… ok, no. But starting as a rookie last season, he showed poise, accuracy, surprising arm strength, and durability. Don’t take him above the proven studs, but if everyone in your league is gobbling up quarterbacks like it’s a game of hungry hungry hippos, get your points with horses at other positions knowing that Andy will be available for you much later in your draft. Don’t wait too long though. Your buddies may have read this article.

Tip to Remember: Good quarterback doesn’t always mean good FANTASY quarterback. The two often do overlap, but just as often they don’t. Even though I’ve won a league with Joe Flacco as my primary quarterback, he should never be a target for you in your draft. In the “Nice detective work, Officer Obvious” department, neither should Alex Smith. He was terrific for a good Niners team last year, but borderline awful in fantasy. I’d rather take a terrible quarterback like the aforementioned Palmer, knowing that he hucks it down the field and just suffer with the interceptions.

Don’t Forget About: Phil Rivers. Remember when this guy was a fantasy behemoth? Of course you do. It was only two years ago. He wasn’t great last year but he’s much closer to the 2010 version of himself than the 2011 version. That’s an aggressive attack there in San Diego, and Vincent “The Most Overrated Receiver in Football” Jackson’s departure will only help Rivers. Honorable Mentions; Matt Schaub and Tim Tebow. When Schaub is healthy, which granted is only about as often as Haley’s Comet makes a visit, he has a terrific arm and an array of attractive targets. He has the ability to go on stretches of consecutive 300 yard games, but buyer beware. Because of the injury risk, only take him late in drafts and only if you already have another qb outside of the top 12 guys. No need for a backup if you have Brady. Also, Tebow is virtually a lock for 50 yards rushing when he starts, and who knows, may end up with the starting job. Not like Mark Sanchez is a sure thing. Sure, he’s pretty awful from a technical standpoint, but he had more good fantasy games than bad ones last year. Like Schaub, target him late and only if you don’t already have a stud.

That about does it for our quarterbacks. Stay tuned for running backs coming up… sometime before the season starts.

One has to wonder what the process is for selecting the ‘color guy’ for some of the Olympic events. For example, the moron working the women’s archery final and bronze medal matches hasn’t breathed in about 30 minutes. I swear, if the archers could hear this guy they’d make him the target.
And it doesn’t stop with archery. Apparently, it’s contagious to swimming. One of the U.S. swimmers was good because she was always ‘moving forward.’ So THAT’S what I’ve been doing wrong all these years. Who knew that my decades of poor swimming could be blamed on a disproportionate emphasis on sideways and backward movement? Idiot…

John Grisham is such an amazing writer/story teller, we anticipate equally his legal thrillers (his area of professional expertise) and his sports oriented novels (where he’s just like us, a fan). Calico Joe is his first crack at baseball, and I was worried. Baseball is one of those games where the statistics are delicate. Flimsy stats will turn a true baseball fan off of a baseball novel faster than a post chicken tikka masala fart. However, artistically woven stories with believable sports plot lines will keep us engrossed to the point of calling out sick to work because we have 47 pages left to read and haven’t slept in 3 days.  Anyway, let’s get started:

The good: As always, Grisham develops his characters beautifully. You sympathize with Paul, the protagonist, because you feel you can relate. As he frequently does, Grisham also seamlessly transitioned from present to past, adult to child Paul Tracey. That’s not as easy as it sounds. He also knows his baseball, or spent countless hours researching which isn’t one of his favorite activities as he freely admits. He not only brought real baseball players from the era in which the book took place, he accurately portrayed their personalities. Sure, he took some liberties (which he also admits in his author’s notes) but one can’t help but think that he was looking for specific guys to fit specific roles for his book. Why else can you think of that he would specifically reference Rick Reuschel? Little details like the 4 man rotation from back in that day were on also spot on. It’s easy to get careless in the interest of finishing whatever you’re writing, and the small things often get lost. Grisham is a master at not doing that. Putting Calico Joe on the Cubs was a nice touch.

The bad: Joe Castle, aka Calico Joe, is just simply not possible as he is portrayed. Kids hit .390 in double A ball, but they don’t then get promoted and hit .500 over the course of their first 40 games. Nobody has ever come close to being on pace for a 80 home run, 100 stolen base season. And power hitters just don’t bunt with runners on. I get it, the point is to paint Calico Joe as one of the greatest rookie phenoms to ever hit major league baseball. But it could have been done without the otherworldly exaggerations. It could have been done without three home runs in his first three at bats, 15 hits in his first 15 at bats. 21 homers in his first 120 at bats or so. His double A average would have had to be around .800 to make numbers like that feasible. And again, yes, I get it. But that part went too far.

Additionally, it was too short. I was able to finish it in three hours. I felt gypped. Even though Grisham is prolific, never keeping his fans waiting for too long for his next work, I eagerly anticipate each one of his works, and the millisecond I heard about Calico Joe I was salivating for it. With the wonderful premise behind the story, it could easily have gone another 200 pages. Not at the end, of course, but in the middle. More anecdotes. More stories. More baseball clubhouse hijinx.

Lastly, a bit too much beleaguering the point that Warren is an a-hole, and that Paul and his mom were happier when he wasn’t around. We got that part early on, no need to keep bringing it up, unless it’s for entirely new reasons… which it wasn’t.

The grade: B+. Did I love it? No. Did I really like it? Yes. Am I being too nitpicky? Probably. But sorry, Johnny, pop out enough works of genius, it’s what your readership will come to expect. It’s why we set the bar here at The Stain fairly low. Wouldn’t want our reader(s) becoming too accustomed to anything we can’t consistently provide.