NL Central Preview

As a Dodger fan, I’m a bit jealous of the decent teams in this division. There are three teams that can put up nice records, and three who will be awful. And the top three will pad their records nicely by playing the bottom three to the tune of 19 times each. Jiminy xmas…

1. St. Louis Cardinals – The defending champs have to be the odds on favorite to win the division, right? I heard they lost some guy… I think I should know who, since is name is rumored to start with poo… All kidding aside, while they lost Albert Pujols’ other worldly offensive numbers, an already sturdy pitching staff regains Adam Wainright, who missed 2011 with Tommy John surgery. They astutely swooped for Carlos Beltran, who has been prematurely scrapped by many due to iffy knees, to replace some of the lost offense. John Jay playing full time should help too. And who can forget World Series hero David Freese? This team is very good, top to bottom. If there is a question mark, it may be closer Jason Motte. But it would be a lower case question mark if there were such a thing.

2. Cincinnati Reds – They paid a king’s ransom in prospects to get ace, Mat Latos from the Padres so finally the sturdy Bronson Arroyo can transition to a more appropriate role of mid-rotation guy. Between Votto, Bruce, Stubbs, Phillips, and maaaaayyyyybe Rolen, there should be plenty of runs to go around. Ryan Madson is a good pickup to step in for the departed Francisco Cordero, and Jose Arredondo might be one of the best set up guys you’ve never heard of. But some issues remain, which is why it will be as a wild card they go, IF they make it to the playoffs. I trust nobody but Votto in this lineup to come up with a clutch late inning hit (think I said this last year too and I was right) and the staff is a bit shallow beyond the obvious good guys. But they can do damage if they get hot a couple of times.

3. Milwaukee Brewers – You may not believe me, but this team got WAY better for, if not this year, the next five years by not keeping Prince Fielder. He figures to be closing in on 400 lbs before long, I’m all in on Mat Gamel, they still have MVP, Ryan Braun, who figures to have his best season ever. Just imagine how many PEDs he’ll be downing now that he essentially has carte blanche to continue unapologetically doping. Their rotation top three of Gallardo, Greinke, and Marcum is sparkling, and John Axford is one of the game’s best, if a bit anonymous, closers. Did you know that Axford has converted his last 43 save opportunities? Neither did I, but he has. There are some things that figure to go wrong. Cory Hart has some injury concerns, the middle to back of the bullpen virtually ensures that they won’t win any games that devolve into slugfests, and I don’t see this team beating up on the bottom feeders enough to hang with Cincy and St. Louis. Call it a gut feeling…

4., 5., and 6. Why not lump the Cubbies, Astros, and Pirates into one spot. They all suck about equally and have similar problems. The positives, there’s some burgeoning super stars: Starlin Castro, Andrew McCutcheon. There are a quite a few very promising youngsters: Jose Altuve, JD Martinez, Alex Presley, Brett LaHair, and a few others. But mostly, this trio is littered with overpaid and past-their-prime dinosaurs like Carlos Lee, Alfonso Soriano, Jack Cust, Sucky McSuckerson, etc. Their ideas of staff aces include AJ Burnett, Matt Garza, and Wandy Rodriguez (who actually isn’t bad if you slide him in around the third spot in the rotation). Where teams that are merely good and not great rely on proven if unspectacular veterans to hold the fort down at some key positions, these guys rely on never-really-has-beens like Clint Barmes, Chris Snyder, Jeff Baker and company. If that weren’t enough, I figure these three will all finish in the bottom five of the NL in fielding. I would have said all of baseball, but nobody will be even close the Detroit Tigers when it comes to defensive calamity. The best of these three (probably the Cubs, if you can believe that) will maybe scratch 70 wins, while the worst (probably Houston) will struggle to reach 60, and the third (probably your mom… just seeing if your paying attention) will slot in right about at 67.

 File this under unrelated but infinitely more important: Best wishes for a speedy recover for Bolton Wanderers’ midfielder Fabrice Muamba, who collapsed late in the first half of an FA cup match with Tottenham. Recent reports have him suffering a heart attack (at age 23, can you believe that?) and he’s reportedly in critical condition at the time of this smear. It’s heard to be optimistic when similar events involving players in the past (Miklos Feher, Marc Vivien Foe, and others) have ended in death, with very few endings of the happy variety. Cross your fingers and hope for the best.

NL East Preview

Well, here we are again, approaching yet another baseball season with bated breath. And as such, your annual Stain predictions commence. Without further ado:

1. Miami Marlins – The name change alone has to be worth 5-7 games in the standings, right? Not to mention pricey additions, Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle and Heath Bell. It’s true what they say when they say that pitching wins games. And they have it. Keep and eye on reclamation project, Carlos Zambrano. They didn’t really need him, but if he can reclaim any semblance of his former self in a warmer climate and more pitcher-friendly park, they’ll be even better than anticipated. Mike, er, Giancarlo Stanton could hit 50 home runs.

2. Philadelphia Phillies – Or, you know, any other of the four remaining teams in this division. Except for the Mets, everyone else is gonna be mediocre. With this Phillies team, and all their glitzy pitching, you have to wonder, where are the runs gonna come from. Even if Ryan Howard gets back to 100%, he is showing evidence of a decline. Chase Utley is excellent but brittle, and may also be starting a downward slope. Jimmy Rollins too. Hunter Pence is talented but flawed. There’s too much talent here to outright suck, but I see warning flags.

3. Atlanta Braves – I nearly had them winning this division… until I remembered how much Jason Heyward regressed last season. Ageless wonder Chipper Jones is still a threat, but there isn’t enough oomph anywhere to sustain an offense.  Jair Jurrjens and Tim Hudson make a good front end of the rotation, nicely filled out by youngsters, Tommy Hanson and Mike Minor (or Julio Teheran… or Brandon Beachy… or Randall Delgado… come to think of it…) I mean seriously… how often can Dan Uggla go on a 30something game hitting streak? The answer is once. And he’s already done it. And it will never happen again.

4. Washington Nationals – No doubt, this is a team on the rise. The obvious stud is Strasburg, and despite his innings limitation, he’s gonna be great. The rest of the guys in the rotation though (Gio Gonzalez, Tom Gorzellany, John Lannan, and Edwin Jackson) are servicable at best. If you an use the word servicable to describe a guy with a no-hitter in his career… If Michael Morse’s coming out party last year was not a fluke, they’ll score a bit… but not as much as they will when Bryce Harper is a star… in 2014.

5. New York Mets – The less said about this oil spill, the better. The overly optimistic will point to Johan Santana’s expected return. I will point to his more than 20 million dollar annual salary on a team that’s more bankrupt than the @#$%ing DODGERS!!!  David Wright, one the game’s truly wonderful players in just about every facet, suddenly can’t stay healthy. And I haven’t heard of at least 25% of the guys projected to make the opening day roster. Still optimistic? Frank Francisco is the closer. What are you doing? Put down the weapon. Put it down!!!

AL West Preview

1) Texas Rangers – I am a huge believer in Yu Darvish.  He is unlike any Japanese pitcher that has come to an American club.  He has a very minimal hitch in his pitching motion, unlike other Japanese pitchers who have very odd windups.  He also attacks the strike zone.  He will be a bona-fide ace by the end of the season.  Colby Lewis and Derek Holland are solid pitchers, Feliz has great stuff, will see how his transition to the starting lineup goes.  And the fifth starter spot is between two guys who could easily be number four guys on contending squads.  They also have one of the best lineups on baseball.  Hamilton, Beltre, Cruz, Napoli make for an incredible middle of the lineup.  Kinsler and Andrus are a solid front of the lineup.  Michael Young will either bat in the top two of the order, or fall to seven or eight.  Anytime a hitter like Young can fit into a lineup in the back third, that is a sign of a dangerous lineup.  I do have concerns with their center field options, which I believe will lead to a rookie taking the job by mid-season, but I will reserve that for my under the radar prospect to watch for each team Smear later this month.

 

2) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – Pujols and Wilson were certainly excellent additions, but I don’t see what all the fuss is about.  I still think the Angels have glaring weaknesses.  They may battle for a Wild Card bid this season, but that is because they get almost 40 games against the awful A’s and Mariners.  Trumbo and Morales have both only had one full year of production, and Morales is coming off a year and a half ankle injury.  Mike Trout, the best outfielder the Angels have, will likely start the season at AAA.  Torii Hunter is good, but on the downside of his career.  Abreu and Wells are horrible at this point.  Howard Kendrick is ok, and the SS combination of Aybar and Izturis isn’t exactly scary either.  The Angels have four fantastic starters, and the fifth spot might as well be a combination of Torsten and I.  And the back end of the bullpen is ugly with Walden being one of the most overrated closers in baseball.

 

3) Seattle Mariners – Chone Figgins will be leading off for the Mariners to start the season.  And I thought it wasn’t possible to make a worse decision than the Angels keeping Vernon Wells anywhere near their roster.  Ichiro will bat third, maybe he will change to a power hitter.  Mike Carp and Smoak are ok at best.  The Montero-Pineda trade will prove to be a winner for the Mariners, but not for the reasons you may think.  Montero will be a career DH, and Pineda is already showing a loss of velocity on his fastball.  I believe the best player in the trade was the one nobody paid any attention to.  Hector Noesi has an outside chance of making the opening day roster, and will make an immediate impact.  Brandon League will likely be traded during the season to a contender.  If they are able to get a shortstop or third baseman, they would be making great strides for the organization.  This team has some upside, not near as much as the A’s, but are in a better position to not be horrible this year.  I could see them making a Pirates or Indians type push and be in contention at the All-Star break, but you can pretty much count on them losing 90 games by the end of the year.

 

4) Oakland A’s – The A’s traded just about every decent player they had this off-season.  Then Scott Sizemore goes out, gets injured, and will be out all year.  I do like the prospects they received, love Cespedes, but don’t get the Manny signing.  I do believe Cowgill can be a future all-star, as will Peacock and Parker.  You probably all know already that I am biased when it comes to Tommy Milone, but he did show the ability to be successful late last year.  He can be a back of the rotation innings eater for a team that desperately needs it.  The A’s have about 346 first baseman in camp, overshadowed only by their 695 outfielders.  At some point, they need to figure out if Brandon Allen, career 4A guy Kila Ka’aihue, Chris Carter, and Barton can actually play.  I expect the Fuentes experiment to end very early this season, and De Los Santos should be the closer of the future.  Love Jermile Weeks, and do think the A’s have some excellent young talent, they are just a few years away from even being considered a relevant team.

Mini Smearies: Pet Peeves of Sports Journalism, Part 3 of 5

The Color Guy

Seriously, do we need this guy? With very few exceptions, has a color guy ever offered anything useful to a broadcast? Seriously, what benefit is there to sticking Tim McCarver in a booth with Joe Buck?

Joe: The Cards are struggling and they face a hot pitcher today in Jurrgens. What do they need to do to snap out of this current rut, Tim?

Tim: Well, Joe, they need to play better than they’ve been playing.

Really? In order to play better, they need to play better. That’s the big ticket? And before anyone goes up in arms, no that’s not a direct quote. It merely paraphrases nearly 100% of color “analysis” that goes on during a baseball season. You can apply it to football too. (nothing negative in this smear applies to John Madden. Yes, he is terrible, but without him, we wouldn’t have the hysterical comedy of Frank Caliendo… so Madden gets a pass).

Pat Summerall: What are some keys for the Bucs to have success today?

Sucky Color Guy: Well, Pat, I think they need to protect the quarterback.

Well holy hell! It’s a good thing I’m not an offensive coordinator! This whole time, I’ve been thinking that quarterbacks have a much easier time moving their team down the field with 300 lb man beasts driving them face first into the turf. Silly @#$%ing me!

The Solution: I hypothetically may or may not work with a certain person at my day job that I may or may not have, that likes to tear down the thoughts, work, ideas, and whatever else have you just because this person thinks that having an opinion makes it valuable and makes them look better to the boss. The problem, there is nothing backing that opinion. I don’t like it. Really? How come? I just don’t like it.

It’s opinion vs. analysis. And it’s pure, unadulterated laziness. And it’s an assumption that your audience is too stupid to figure out that you’ve completely mailed it in. Or that your brain lacks the processing power to formulate anything other than a cookie cutter thought. Or that you’re performing some sort of social experiment where you’re trying to figure out exactly how little you can do and not get called out on it.

There needs to be a test. Standardized testing. For all color guys in all sports. And then, just maybe, when Joe Buck asks whomever took McCarver’s place what the Cards need to do to snap out of a funk against a hot Jair Jurrjens, you may just get something useful like If I’m the Cards’ hitting coach, I’m telling my guys to go up hacking. Jurrgens has thrown 84% first pitch strikes in his last four starts so if they’re gonna get something to hit, it will be early in the count. You don’t want to be down 0-2 or 1-2 to Jurrjens with the slider that he’s been bringing recently. Or if Summerall asks what Josh Freeman needs to do to be successful against a certain defense, This defense has gotten great interior play recently but has struggled when the quarterback gets outside the pocket. Freeman is mobile and they may be able to exploit the lack of pursuit speed from the ends and backers. Hell, I don’t even know if that makes sense, but you see what I’m getting at, right?

Bonus Peeve: This is not limited to sports, but I can’t stand people who will write anything to get a headline or a mention. And I know I’m not helping because I’m about to give someone a mention. Remember when credibility mattered? A journalist you considered respectable wrote something and you knew it was on. Because he or she was credible. Now you have idiots writing articles like this one listing the top 20 “worst bands” of all time, and including bands like Pearl Jam, Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Dave Matthews bands, while omitting bands like Bloodhound Gang (who admittedly could barely play their instrumetns), Ace of Base, and any number of other groups who have zero or negligible vocal or instrumental ability. Love them or hate them, there’s no denying that bands like Pearl Jam, the Peppers and DMB can at least play their instruments with reasonable competency, thereby rendering the assertion that their among the worst simply ludicrous.

In the good old days, people would laugh those morons out of town. Now, people link to it on their Facebook, ensuring that the half wits who wrote it get some kind of recognition. And how much of a half wit am I to fall into the trap?

A Huge Mock Draft

Round 1

 

1)      Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck – QB – Stanford – With Peyton Manning likely gone, this is the best QB to come out of college we may have ever seen.  His upside is a hall of fame QB, his floor is a top 10 QB in the NFL.  The Colts have to part ways with Manning and take the biggest sure thing we have ever seen

2)      Cleveland Browns – Robert Griffin III – QB – Baylor – I hate considering trades in a mock draft, but the Rams have already said they are dealing this pick and the Browns are the team that makes the most sense for them.  I have the Browns giving up their two first round picks and their third round pick, landing them RG3.

3)      Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil – OT – USC – I have put Justin Blackmon here time after time, but franchise left tackles are just as important as a QB and cannot be passed up.  Kalil will solidify this line for Ponder and help with the running game should AP not be healthy to start the season.

4)      St. Louis Rams – Morris Claiborne – CB – LSU – Most will likely have Blackmon here, but there are a lot of receivers I like and I have questions about Blackmon.  Claiborne is by far the best corner in this draft and is one of the 22 positions the Rams can improve on.  He is my best available player here and would help ensure they don’t see another game like Torrey Smith had against them last year.

5)      Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Trent Richardson – Alabama – Running backs have been completely devalued over the past few years, but Trent Richardson is a talent that only comes along once every decade or so.  He is every bit the back Adrian Peterson is and would make LeGarrette Blount even more valuable in Tampa.  Richardson is a three down back that can run between the tackles or beat you outside.  Then in short yardage or goaline, the Bucs can line up Blount and Richardson in the same backfield and be a dominant running team.

6)      Washington Redskins – Justin Blackmon – Oklahoma State – Who is the last good Redskins receiver?  Seriously, have they had a good one since Art Monk?  The Redskins are in desperate need of a receiver and this is too early to pull the trigger on a QB, so Blackmon falling is a great second option after losing the RG3 sweepstakes.

7)      Jacksonville Jaguars – Jonathon Martin – OT – Stanford – Blaine Gabbert is not as bad as he looked last season.  He has no weapons outside of MJD and his line was terrible.  Jonathon Martin will protect his blindside for the next 10 years and you will see a solid improvement in Gabbert next season.

8)      Miami Dolphins – Melvin Ingram – DE/OLB – South Carolina – The Dolphins need a pass rush either at end or a guy that can stand up and rush.  Melvin Ingram can play at either spot.  He is only 6’1”, so I expect him to play more as the stand-up rusher than with a hand in the dirt.

9)      Carolina Panthers – Michael Brockers – DT – LSU – 6’6” and 320+ lbs.; that is a lane stuffer.  He can take up a center and a guard on the line opening one on one matchups for Charles Johnson to speed rush off the edge.

10)   Buffalo Bills – Luke Kuechly – ILB – Boston College – Kuechly showed he is more athletic than many thought at the combine.  He was a productive tackler at Boston College and is an intelligent backer with the potential to be the leader of the Bills D.  Boston College is making a run at Penn State to be renamed Linebacker U.

11)   Kansas City Chiefs – Dontari Poe – DT – Memphis – I give Poe a tie with Stephen Hill with combine champion.  I have never seen somebody 6’4” nearly 250 lbs. run so fast or jump so far.  The Chiefs need a true nose tackle, and while Poe may be better lined up in the 3 gap at times, he can certainly line up over center and move the pocket back.

12)   Seattle Seahawks – Quinton Coples – DE – North Carolina – Coples could have come out last year with the rest of the highly touted North Carolina players, but decided to go back for his senior year.  There are obvious questions considering all but UNC rookies last year underperformed, with the exception of T. J. Yates, but his college production and ideal 6’6” 285lb. athletic frame make him hard to pass up for the Seahawks.

13)   Arizona Cardinals – Riley Reiff – OT – Iowa – Many have him as the second best tackle in the draft, but I am concerned about his ability to play tackle.  I don’t believe he will ever be a left tackle, and may even struggle at right tackle, and could take the path of fellow Iowa lineman Robert Gallery and be a premier guard someday, but the chance he can be a tackle makes this a potential steal for the line lacking Cardinals.

14)   Dallas Cowboys – David DeCastro – OG – Stanford – Last year they got a solid right tackle, this year they get lucky and DeCastro falls to them.  With Felix Jones and DeMarco Murray, a stud guard would be huge for the running game.  Take into account the passing weapons they already have, this could be one of the best offenses in football.

15)   Philadelphia Eagles – Courtney Upshaw – OLB – Alabama – The “Dream Team” died when they realized they had nobody who could play linebacker at even an average level.  They could spend all seven rounds just taking linebackers and I wouldn’t criticize them.  Upshaw is by far the best true linebacker at this point in the draft and is a perfect fit.

16)   New York Jets – Michael Floyd – WR – Notre Dame – Granted there are questions as to whether or not Sanchez would even be able to get the ball to a receiver, Floyd can be a deep threat, possession guy, or anything in-between.  He is the most valuable receiver to me in this draft.

17)   Cincinnati Bengals – Cordy Glenn – OT/G – Georgia – The biggest weakness on the Bengals is the offensive line.  They could use a run blocking guard and depth at tackle.  Cordy Glenn offers the flexibility to be either of those for the Bengals.  He can help protect Dalton while opening up holes for whatever running back the Bengals decide to go into the season with.

18)   San Diego Chargers – Mike Adams – OT – Ohio State – Marcus McNeil is not getting any younger and the Schilling/Clary experiment didn’t work out so well on the right side.  Adams was disappointing at the combine, but at the Senior Bowl he dominated three first round pass rushers at his unnatural left tackle.  Moving him to the right side and he could be a future Pro Bowler.

19)   Chicago Bears – Kendall Wright – WR – Baylor – Wright disappointed a bit at the combine, but the Bears desperately need another WR.  Johnny Knox has been there best, and who knows if and when he will be back from that brutal back injury late in the season.  Wright will finally give the Bears another legit receiving option downfield.

20)   Tennessee Titans – Peter Konz – C – Wisconsin – Their head coach was a lineman, Konz is the best center in the draft, Wisconsin develops beasts on the line, and the Titans interior line needs help.  There is four reasons Konz is the easiest pick to make in the first round.

21)   Cincinnati Bengals – Dre Kirkpatrick – CB – Alabama – The loss of Jonathon Joseph hurt the Bengals secondary last season.  I have my doubts as to whether or not Kirkpatrick will ever be an elite corner, he may be better as a Free Safety in a couple years, but either way, he will be a playmaker for the Bengals.

22)   St. Louis Rams – Fletcher Cox – DT – Mississippi State – As I mentioned earlier, the Rams could use a new roster.  Fletcher Cox is tops on my board at this point, and getting a sure fire first round DT could certainly help free up some space for Chris Long.  He isn’t the biggest DT, but was a space eater in the SEC, which just might be better competition than the NFC West has been the past few years.

23)   Detroit Lions – Janoris Jenkins – CB – North Alabama – I still have concerns of his coverage skills as I have seen him beat on too many double moves, but his natural ability is second to none.  The Lions need to keep pace with the Packers passing attack, and Jenkins, with some coaching, can be a shut-down corner.

24)   Pittsburgh Steelers – Mark Barron – S – Alabama – He may not be able to work out before the draft due to injury, but he is by far the best safety in this draft.  Both safeties the Steelers currently have are injury risks and their secondary is a weakness. 

25)   Denver Broncos – Devon Still – DT – Penn State – He is falling on a lot of boards, but is still a force to be reckoned with.  The Broncos need secondary help, but there isn’t really a value at that position here, and Still will create an inside push to go with the already impressive pass rush, which will make the secondary look better simply by making every pass thrown under pressure.

26)   Houston Texans – Whitney Mercilus – DE/OLB – Illinois – With the Texans not franchising Mario Williams, they need one more pass rusher.  Brooks Reid and J.J. Watt were great for them last year, adding Mercilus will make that pass rush even more difficult to deal with.

27)   New England Patriots – Andre Branch – DE – Clemson – The Patriots have a ton of picks early in this draft and a lot of positions they could use help at.  One glaring spot is the pass rush, and after passing on it last year, Andre Branch is too good a value to pass up at this point.

28)   Green Bay Packers – Nick Perry – DE – USC – The Packers desperately need another pass rusher opposite Clay Mathews, and while ideally it would be as another outside backer, a defensive lineman that can get to the QB is something they certainly won’t pass up.

29)   Baltimore Ravens – Dont’a Hightower – ILB – Alabama – He has fallen on my board, not nearly as far a Burfict which you will see…eventually, but now the second best inside linebacker has a chance to line up next to Ray Lewis…have fun AFC North.

30)   San Francisco 49ers – Stephen Hill – WR – Georgia Tech – The only person I have ever seen make a highlight real catch at the combine.  The 49ers need receiving options, and while Hill is probably a second round talent and a very raw route runner, he fits what the 49ers need here.

31)   Washington Redskins – Ryan Tannehill – QB – Texas A&M – Another trade!!!  Shocker, the Patriots trade back.  If the 49ers don’t take Hill, don’t be surprised to see the Pats take him here, otherwise they will trade back with the Redskins for a second and third round pick so the ‘skins can get the third best QB in the draft in Ryan Tannehill.

32)   New York Giants – Orson Charles – TE – Georgia – The position I have gone back and forth the most in terms of rankings is tight end.  Dwayne Allen has long been a favorite here for me, but, even while not working out, Orson Charles just looked the part at the combine.  So I made sure to find a few interviews of his and found him to be a very genuine seeming guy and his tape is impressive.  With all the tight end injuries from the Super Bowl, the Giants need to draft one, and right now, Charles is the best tight end.

 

Round 2

 

33)   St. Louis Rams – Zerbie Sanders – OT – Florida State – They missed out on Kalil in the first round, but Zerbie Sanders can be a solid right tackle for them.  This would result in some much needed line shuffling for the Rams.  I think Jason Smith would be much better served as a guard, and that move along with this pick could make for a surprising improvement from that line.

34)   Indianapolis Colts – Alfonzo Dennard – CB – Nebraska – Dennard has been in and out of the first round to me, but his attitude on the field in the bowl game concerns me.  While he shut down Alshon Jeffrey, he allowed Jeffrey to get into his head; they threw down and got tossed.  I just haven’t heard enough from him to put him back in the first round.

35)   Minnesota Vikings – Jerel Worthy – DT – Michigan State – Remember the wall up front the Vikings had just a couple years ago?  They need to help recreate that, and Jerel Worthy is a great step to making that happen.  He is just 6’2”, but is a round 310 that can certainly plug a hole or two.

36)   Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Zach Brown – OLB – North Carolina – Tampa needs help on their back eight.  Zach Brown is another guy that I would not be surprised to see taken in the first round, I have a first round grade on him, but will likely slip into the second round.  He does nothing spectacular, but also does nothing poorly.  Just goes out and gets the job done just like Barrett Rudd has done for them for years.

37)   Cleveland Browns – Lamar Miller – RB – Miami (FL) – Montario Hardesty didn’t exactly look very good when Peyton Hillis was out with a cough, or an injured emptywalletitis, so the Browns need to add a RB.  Miller may jump into the first round and I wouldn’t blame anyone given his impressive combine, but should fall to the Browns here due to the lack of value runners have these days.

38)   Jacksonville Jaguars – Chase Minnifield – CB – West Virginia – Jacksonville is another team that needs just about every position, and this is the second time a player I would love to see New England end up with I had to pick just before them.  Minnifield may be the most underrated corner in this draft.  He can step in right away and line up across from anyone’s #1 receiver.

39)   New England Patriots – Stephon Gilmore – CB – South Carolina – The Patriots need secondary help desperately.  Gilmore is certainly the best available, and while I never see him being a great shut down guy, he has the ability to be an excellent #2.

40)   Carolina Panthers – Brandon Washington – G/C – MIami (FL) – The Panthers need depth and flexibility on the offensive line.  They could use a tackle at some point in the draft, but Brandon Washington is a guy that can come in and play right away at either guard spot or center.  I see him as a future left guard starter, but the ability to slide into center if needed is very valuable.

41)   Buffalo Bills – Dwayne Allen – TE – Clemson – The Bills need receivers.  I have yet to find a site that has them taking a tight end in the first three rounds, but I think Dwayne Allen can be a dominant tight end, and in the poor weather of Buffalo, a big athletic guy is just as important as a deep threat receiver.

42)   Miami Dolphins – Brandon Thompson – DT – Clemson – Restructuring the defense is a huge necessity for the Dolphins.  On offense, all they really need is a QB, which they will address with either Peyton Manning or Matt Flynn, and some WR depth.  Brandon Thompson will help them solidify their defense that, if it performs like a top 15 D, could easily land the Dolphins in the playoffs next year.

43)   Seattle Seahawks – Brandon Weeden – QB – Oklahoma State – He is older than Aaron Rodgers, but that just means he is mature.  Battling with Charlie Whitehurst and T-Jax up in Seattle would be good for him.  He will be in relative obscurity going in the second round to that team tucked in the Northwest.  He just seems like the type of guy that could thrive under Pete Carroll.

44)   Kansas City Chiefs – Vontaze Burfict – ILB – Arizona State – If this works out this way for the Chiefs, they will either have the greatest draft ever, or set the organization back 5 years.  Poe is a potential game changer, and could only be out shadowed by the potential of Vontaze Burfict.  If Poe plays to his potential and so does Burfict alongside Derrick Johnson with Eric Berry at safety, the Chiefs will have the scariest middle of a defense this side of Baltimore in 2000.

45)   Dallas Cowboys – Harrison Smith – S – Notre Dame – The Cowboys have needed a safety for years, and finally one may be available to them in the draft.  Barron is the safety of choice in this draft, but don’t be shocked if Smith ends up with a better career.

46)   Philadelphia Eagles – Kendall Reyes – DT – Connecticut – Reyes is fast moving up a bunch of boards and could very well be a first rounder come April.  The Eagles need to solidify the middle of their defense, and Reyes could go a long way to accomplishing that.

47)   New York Jets – Chandler Jones – DE – Syracuse – Quick, name a Jets defensive end….yeah, that is what I thought.  They are incredibly weak at this position; making it an easy decision to take the best available end, and at this point it is Jones.

48)   New England Patriots – Mohamed Sanu – WR – Rutgers – He is your prototypical #2 receiver.  He has decent hands, good route runner, but not necessarily a dangerous deep threat.  He can very much thrive in a New England offense as a bigger version of Deon Branch.

49)   San Diego Patriots – Jared Crick – DE – Wisconsin – Crick is the poster child for a white defensive end, just ask J.J. Watt.  Out of Wisconsin, country strong, high motor, surprisingly athletic, a grinder, just a football player.  Or how about you just say he is a big body, strong guy that would be the ideal end in front of a rush linebacker.  He will take up the blocks and could get to the QB on his own as well.

50)   Chicago Bears – David Wilson – RB – Virginia Tech – Forte has been franchised, but they need to give him some chances to take a breather.  David Wilson is a powerful back with decent speed.  He has decent hands, and would be the perfect complement to Matt Forte.

51)   Philadelphia Eagles – Lavonte David – OLB – Nebraska – Have I mentioned the Eagles need linebackers?  Ideally a ILB, but that isn’t available here and David is too talented for them to pass up here.

52)   Tennessee Titans – Bruce Irvin – OLB/DE – West Virginia – Irvin will be another one of those guys that does nothing flashy, then you look at his stat line at the end of the season and he has 75 tackles, 8 for loss, 3 sacks, 2 forced fumbles, 2 fumbles recovered, and an interception.  Just watch and see.

53)   Cincinnati Bengals – Doug Martin – RB – Boise State – Who knows what the status is with Cedric Benson, but whatever it is, he isn’t exactly a spring chicken.  Outside of Trent Richardson, Martin is the most complete back in this draft.  He is quick, powerful, great hands, and excellent in pass protection.  He is a 1,500 total yards from scrimmage back just waiting to happen.

54)   Detroit Lions – Bobbie Massie – OT – Mississippi – The Lions simply need line help.  Massie has prototypical tackle size at 6’6” and 315 lbs., but is coming out after his junior year.  I think he could have been a first rounder if he stayed an extra year, but will be a good 3rd tackle on the Lions with the ability to fill in on either the left or right side.

55)   Atlanta Falcons – Boby Fleener – TE – Stanford – Goes as my third tight end, could be argued he is good enough to be the first tight end taken.  All he does is produce.  He can block, he can catch, he went to Stanford, so he is smart.  He would get to learn from one of the best that has ever lived in Tony Gonzalez, and they can have a few Stanford vs. Cal wagers throughout the year.

56)   Pittsburgh Steelers – Ronnell Lewis – OLB – Oklahoma – Harrison is a lock for a suspension or two a season, so depth at linebacker is a necessity.  Lewis will never be a star, but will not hurt a defense either.

57)   Denver Broncos – Brock Osweiler – QB – Arizona State – John Elway says he wants a big, strong, athletic quarterback.  It is one way of saying Tebow fits until he threw in “pocket passer”.  Hmm…how about a guy that is 6’7” near 250 lbs. with a cannon for an arm who isn’t fast enough to run anywhere but mobile enough to avoid the rush?  Yeah, Osweiler is John Skelton with even more talent and upside, but is also a second rounder that needs some coaching, so isn’t a direct threat to Tebow in the eyes of the fan base.  AKA, the perfect draft pick.

58)   Houston Texans – Juron Criner – WR – Arizona – When Andre Johnson went down, it was clear the Texans didn’t have a deep receiving corp.  Criner will never be Johnson’s level, but does have the ability to make a defense pay if they roll all coverage to Johnson’s side, leaving Criner one on one.

59)   New Orleans Saints – Josh Robinson – CB – UCF – Robinson was one of the combine winners.  He ran a 4.33, the fastest at the combine, and has never been accused of having a bounty out on the other team.  Two things that the Saints need.

60)   Green Bay Packers – LeMichael James – RB – Oregon – He is not the best RB on my board at this point, but is the best fit.  He will play a Darren Sproles, Jaquizz Rodgers, Danny Woodhead type roll.  The Packers are a pass first, spread them out team, and James is the perfect running back for that system.  Screen passes to James will force defenses to account for him.  He will beat a linebacker any day of the week, and bringing a corner up to account for him will open up one on one coverage for one of their seemingly 97 receivers.

61)   Baltimore Ravens – Ben Jones – C – Georgia – Time will tell what happens with Matt Birk, but he is 35 now and the Ravens have two guys that are more guards than centers.  Jones is a true center and could be the center there for a decade.  He will never make a Pro Bowl, but he can easily become one of the 10 best centers in the game.

62)   San Francisco 49ers – Dwight Bentley – CB – Louisiana-Lafayette – The 49ers have the best safety duo in the NFL, and are ok at corner, but Bentley will improve that secondary.  While it isn’t an issue in the NFC West, if the 49ers want to keep making runs deep into the playoffs, they will need to combat the high flying teams in the NFC today. 

63)   New England Patriots – Alshon Jeffrey – WR – South Carolina – Yeah, this makes two receivers in the second round for the Patriots, but they proved they don’t mind doing that drafting Ridley and Vereen with back to back Patriot picks at RB last year.  Jeffrey just continues to fall, but has to be drafted eventually, and he could be the outside deep threat for the Patriots.

64)   New York Giants – Mitchell Schwartz – OT – Cal – Seemingly the only position of weakness for the Giants is on the offensive line, most importantly at tackle.  Schwartz is by far the best tackle available, and the Giants would be happy to take him.

 

Round 3

 

65)   Indianapolis Colts – Kelechi Osomele – G – Iowa State – A HUGE guard.  6’6” and 333 lbs.  He had started 30 consecutive games going into his senior but suffered some injuries last season.  He can blast people off the ball and would be a perfect guard to line up next to Anthony Costanzo to solidify one side of the Colts line in front of Andrew Luck.

66)   St. Louis Rams – Tommy Streeter – WR – Miami (FL) – Many feel the Rams need a WR, and they do, but not as bad as it seems.  They have a lot of really good #2 or #3 guys, and Streeter would fall into that category as well, but Streeter can be the deep threat they are lacking.  Amendola is the slot receiver for them, they would need to sign one of the several receivers on the market to be a #1.

67)   Minnesota Vikings – Nick Toon – WR – Wisconsin – Toon can be a solid receiver.  The Vikings need a legit receiving threat outside of Harvin and Shiancoe, and Toon has the route running ability and hands to be just that.

68)   St. Louis Rams – Isaiah Pead – RB – Cincinnati – Pead drove up his stock incredibly by owning the East-West Shrine game, then having a good performance at the Senior Bowl, followed a solid combine.  He has probably helped his stock more than anyone since the end of the college football season.  He will be an excellent change of pace back for the Rams.

69)   Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Trumaine Johnson – CB – Montana – Trumaine Johnson is your typical small school corner.  He will either be a complete bust or an All Pro, and personally, I am leaning more toward All Pro than bust.  He has excellent cover skills and is big at 6’2” and over two spins.  He just needs to prove he can use his body and be physical with the NFL receiver.

70)   New England Patriots – Bobby Wagner – OLB – Utah State – Will probably fit better as an inside backer, he is a very nice fit in the Patriots defense.  He had 445 tackles as a four year starter and was last year’s WAC Defensive Player of the Year. 

71)   Jacksonville Jaguars – Rueben Randall – QR – LSU – I have seen him as high as a late first round pick, I just don’t buy into it.  Randall does nothing great, and I fear he will get more credit by being a SEC product.  That being said, he has the potential to be a solid receiver, and the Jags cold use all the weapons they can get.

72)   Buffalo Bills – Tank Carder – OLB – TCU – Much like Wagner, he may be an inside backer.  He is about as decorated a Mountain West player can be.  2011 Rose Bowl Defensive MVP, 2010 & 2011 Mountain West Defensive Player of the Year, and a 2011 First-Team All American.  Nothing flashy, just productive.

73)   Miami Dolphins – Matt McCants – OT – UAB – First year back-up, but future starter at right tackle.  He can be a very good complement to Jake Long and protect either Peyton Manning or Matt Flynn for a few years to come.

74)   Chicago Bears – Markelle Martin – S – Oklahoma State – An under-reported loss for the Bears last year was Daniel Manning going to the Texans.  Martin doesn’t have the big play ability of Manning, but does is a ball hawk.  He was a First-Team All American, but is currently recovering from a knee injury that could hurt his draft position.

75)   Kansas City Chiefs – Kevin Zeitler – G – Wisconsin – Ok, I will admit it, I love Wisconsin lineman.  They are big, they are powerful, and they can make me look small.  He is another First-Team All American that will likely go off the board in this third round and is excellent value for a Chiefs team that needs help all over their offensive line.

76)   Seattle Seahawks – Billy Winn – DT – Boise State – He played defensive end at Boise, but is projected more as a 4-3 tackle or 3-4 end.  Either way, he fits with the Seahawks, plus he is a relatively home town guy.

77)   Philadelphia Eagles – George Iloka – S – Boise State – The Eagles have plenty of corners, but don’t have a very good safety.  This one pains me because I really like Iloka out of Boise, I think he could be a real playmaker, and I may have to watch him tear up the NFL on a team I cannot stand like the Eagles.

78)   New York Jets – Cam Johnson – DE/OLB – Virginia – Another guy that can play end for the Jets right away, or step back as a rush linebacker.  He had 15.5 TFL and 10.5 sacks over his final two seasons at Virginia.  He has a knack for getting into the backfield.

79)   San Diego Chargers – Brandon Boykin – CB – Georgia – One of the most athletic guys in the draft.  He can return kicks and cover kicks, as well as be a solid, sure handed nickel back.  All three things are areas the Chargers need improvement.

80)   Chicago Bears – James-Michael Johnson – ILB – Nevada – He is cut very much from the same cloth as Brian Urlacher, who will be the one to mentor him as the Bears linebacking corp continues to only get older and more injury prone.

81)   Arizona Cardinals – Chris Givens – WR – Wake Forest – Givens will essentially take the Steve Breaston role.  He isn’t quite a #2 receiver, but will certainly help a passing game that desperately needs somebody to step up and take some pressure off Larry Fitzgerald.

82)   Dallas Cowboys – Jayron Hosley – CB – Virginia Tech – A potential shut down corner for a team that is desperate for production out of their corners.  Hosley is small, but quick.  He fits best as a nickel corner.

83)   Tennessee Titans – Brian Quick – WR – Appalachian State – Quick is a big bodied receiver that would be an excellent #2 receiver for the Titans.  He needs to work on his route running as his big body tends to drift a bit in his cuts, but has the potential to be very productive if he goes to the Titans.

84)   Cincinnati Bengals – Mike Martin – DT – Michigan – Martin is a 3 technique DT that is probably best fit as a back-up in a defensive line rotation.  He will never dominate at the point of attack and may get pushed back by the bigger guards in the NFL, but can also shed blocks well and make stops at the line of scrimmage.

85)   Atlanta Falcons – Vinny Curry – DE – Marshall – Vinny Curry would be a good fit to back up Abraham and could certainly learn a thing or two from him.  Curry has prototypical size for a rush end, he just needs some coaching.

86)   Detroit Lions – Mike Brewster – C – Ohio State – The Lions need all the help they can get on the line, and Brewster is probably a year or two away from being a starter, but has the potential to be a solid center in the league.

87)   Pittsburgh Steelers – Chris Polk – RB – Washington – With the injury to Mendenhall, RB quickly became a need in the draft.  Chris Polk fits the Steelers scheme and can be a good back up when Mendenhall is healthy.

88)   Denver Broncos – Leonard Johnson – CB – Iowa State – Johnson can start today as a nickel back in the NFL.  He is also an excellent kick returner, so he can impact a team in several different ways.

89)   Houston Texans – Sean Spense – OLB – Miami (FL) – He was a Butkus finalist and averaged almost 10 tackles a game.  This draft has the potentially of solidifying the Texans defense as one of the best for years to come.

90)   New Orleans Saints – Alameda Ta’amu – DT – Washington – A behemoth of a man.  He can certainly add size and depth to the Saints defensive line.

91)   Green Bay Packers – Amini Silatolu – G – Midwestern State – This year’s out of nowhere interior lineman.  He is raw, but has excellent natural ability.  The Packers offensive line was a MASH unit last season; Silatolu adds good depth and flexibility.

92)   Baltimore Ravens – Kirk Cousins – QB – Michigan State – Last year they took Tyrod Taylor, who could be a solid backup, but doesn’t really fit the offense.  Kirk Cousins is an incredibly intelligent quarterback with an arm that despite not seeming strong gets the ball where it needs to be before the defender can get to it. 

93)   San Francisco 49ers – Shea McClellin – DE/OLB – Boise State – His combine skills were nearly identical to Brooks Reid, from height to weight to 40 times to shuttle to vertical, he measures out like a second rounder, but was never dominant.  As depth for the 49ers, he is a good fit.

94)   New England Patriots – Casey Hayward – CB – Vanderbilt – The Patriots need all the help they can get at corner…enough said.

95)   New York Giants – Cliff Harris – CB – Oregon – If he finds a way to stop telling cops “nope, I smoked it all” when asked if there is weed in the car, he could be a productive corner.

Top 100 NFL Draft Prospects

Rank

Name

Position

School

1

Andrew Luck

QB

Stanford

2

Robert Griffin III

QB

Baylor

3

Matt Kalil

OT

USC

4

Trent Richardson

RB

Alabama

5

Morris Claiborne

CB

LSU

6

Justin Blackmon

WR

Oklahoma St.

7

Melvin Ingram

DE/OLB

South Carolina

8

Jonathon Martin

OT

Stanford

9

David DeCastro

G

Stanford

10

Michael Brockers

DT

LSU

11

Luke Kuechly

ILB

Boston College

12

Riley Reiff

OT

Iowa

13

Quinton Coples

DE

North Carolina

14

Dontari Poe

DT

Memphis

15

Courtney Upshaw

OLB

Alabama

16

Michael Floyd

WR

Notre Dame

17

Fletcher Cox

DT

Mississippi State

18

Mark Barron

S

Alabama

19

Cordy Glenn

T/G

Georgia

20

Dre Kirkpatrick

CB

Alabama

21

Janoris Jenkins

CB

North Alabama

22

Peter Konz

C

Wisconsin

23

Mike Adams

OT

Ohio State

24

Devon Still

DT

Penn State

25

Andre Branch

DE

Clemson

26

Jerel Worthy

DT

Michigan State

27

Kendall Wright

WR

Baylor

28

Whitney Mercilus

DE/OLB

Illinois

29

Nick Perry

DE

USC

30

Zach Brown

OLB

North Carolina

31

Ryan Tannehill

QB

Texas A&M

32

Dont’a Hightower

ILB

Alabama

33

Alfonzo Dennard

CB

Nebraska

34

Chandler Jones

DE

Syracuse

35

Stephen Hill

WR

Georgia Tech

36

Brandon Thompson

DT

Clemson

37

Dwayne Allen

TE

Clemson

38

Kendall Reyes

DT

Connecticut

39

Lamar Miller

RB

Miami (FL)

40

Chase Minnifield

CB

Virginia

41

Zerbie Sanders

OT

Florida State

42

Vontaze Burfict

ILB

Arizona State

43

Boby Fleener

TE

Stanford

44

Brandon Weeden

QB

Oklahoma St.

45

Jared Crick

DE

Wisconsin

46

Brock Osweiler

QB

Arizona State

47

David Wilson

RB

Virginia Tech

48

Stephon Gilmore

CB

South Carolina

49

Lavonte David

OLB

Nebraska

50

Mohamed Sanu

WR

Rutgers

51

Harrison Smith

S

Notre Dame

52

Bruce Irvin

OLB/DE

West Virginia

53

Juron Criner

WR

Arizona

54

LeMichael James

RB

Oregon

55

Orson Charles

TE

Georgia

56

Doug Martin

RB

Boise State

57

Brandon Washington

G/C

Miami (FL)

58

Ben Jones

C

Georgia

59

Isaiah Pead

RB

Cincinnati

60

Josh Robinson

CB

Central Florida

61

Ronnell Lewis

OLB

Oklahoma

62

Chris Polk

RB

Washington

63

Bobby Massie

OT

Mississippi

64

Tommy Streeter

WR

Miami (FL)

65

Dwight Bentley

CB

Louisiana-Lafayette

66

Alshon Jeffrey

WR

South Carolina

67

Kelechi Osomele

G

Iowa State

68

Nick Toon

WR

Wisconsin

69

Vinny Curry

DE

Marshall

70

Trumaine Johnson

CB

Montana

71

Bobby Wagner

OLB

Utah State

72

Markelle Martin

S

Oklahoma St.

73

Mitchell Schwartz

OT

California

74

Tank Carder

OLB

TCU

75

Billy Winn

DT

Boise State

76

Kevin Zeitler

G

Wisconsin

77

Mike Brewster

C

Ohio State

78

Brandon Boykin

CB

Georgia

79

Cam Johnson

DE/OLB

Virginia

80

Sean Spense

OLB

Miami (FL)

81

Mike Martin

DT

Michigan

82

Alameda Ta’amu

DT

Washington

83

Kirk Cousins

QB

Michigan State

84

James-Michael Johson

ILB

Nevada

85

Nick Foles

QB

Arizona

86

Rueben Randle

WR

LSU

87

Matt McCants

OT

UAB

88

Shea McClellin

OLB

Boise State

89

Chris Givens

WR

Wake Forest

90

George Iloka

S

Boise State

91

Leonard Johnson

CB

Iowa State

92

Amini Silatolu

G

Midwestern State

93

Casey Hayward

CB

Vanderbilt

94

Josh Kaddu

OLB

Oregon

95

Brian Quick

WR

Appalachian State

96

Marvin McNutt

WR

Iowa

97

Bernard Pierce

RB

Temple

98

Cliff Harris

CB

Oregon

99

Josh Chapman

DT

Alabama

100

Jayron Hosley

CB

Virginia Tech

Mini Smearies: Pet Peeves of Sports Journalism, Part 2 of 5

Superstar Ass Kissing and Ridiculous Praise

Kobe Bryant was suffering through one of the most humiliating games of his career. He was at Madison Square Garden, on of his favorite haunts, and was getting thoroughly outplayed by rookie sensation, Jerry Lin, the night after telling reporters he didn’t know what the big deal with Lin was. Every time the Knicks came down the court, the rookie guard made a good play, be it hitting an open shot, driving for a layup, finding an open teammate, etc. Every time the Lakers came down the court, Kobe Bryant made calamitous play after calamitous play, dribbling into triple teams, heaving up desperation shots with little to no chance of going in. He had gone into full on, “screw it, I don’t give a damn if we lose but I’ll be damned if I let this kid score more points than me,” mode. Then it happened. One of Bryant’s terrible jumpers actually went in, and then a couple more. At this point, the Lakers were down by a ton and the game was essentially over… but from the nitwit announcers you got, “Kobe Bryant! What a shot!!! Trying to carry his team back…” and whatever other drivel along those lines. Not once did anyone point out that the Lakers’ deficit could be blamed one hundred percent on Bryant’s awful play to that point. 30 something percent shooting, a boatload of turnovers, zero hustle on defense. No, they praised the moody star. Why? Because maybe he would get wind of it and not talk to them anymore for interviews? Who knows?

It’s only been a couple of years since his much publicized dalliances with seemingly everything female that had a pulse, but every move Tiger Woods makes is still front and center. Golf announcers do everything but overtly cheer for him to win. Why?

Derek Jeter’s skills are obviously eroding. He’s been a wonderful player for most of his career, and is still a great leader… but nobody wants to point out that a seeing eye grounder to the left side that any other shortstop makes a routine play, the Yankee legend can no longer get to. And Jeter is a nice guy, unlike the mercurial personalities of Bryant and Woods. He’d probably admit he wasn’t the same player he used to be… if anyone had the grapefruits to ask him.

When I was in college and studying journalism, the romance of the profession was enhanced by being described as the “watchdog for the public.” Reporters and journalists had an obligation to report the facts to keep the public informed, to ask the tough questions because it’s what people want to know. Apparently, today’s sports journalists missed that day in class. Oh sure, you get some candid rhetoric from guys like the LA Times’ irascible Page 2 columnist, TJ Simers, ESPN’s Bill Simmons, and a few others. But by in large, those guys’ words are treated as rhetorical hyperbole. It’s the guys making the simulcast calls, and asking the postgame questions that we look to for the info. And those guys, nearly all of them, are cowards. I have no other explanation.

I do however have a solution. It would require, however, an uncensored sports channel… because you see, I would be calling the games. “And Kobe heaves up ANOTHER horrid shot. Clangs it off the backboard and here come the Clippers on a fast break, they score. Kobe is still bitching at the refs, the whiny punk that he is… when is Mike Brown going to remove him from the game!? He does want to win, right?”

Meh, I guess I could do it without cursing… unless of course you count “bitching” as cursing…

 

Breaking News!!!

So I would like to expand on my Smear from earlier today. Three days ago, MLB had all but announced they would be adding an extra Wild Card team to each league and have the two Wild Card teams face off in a one game playoff series. I will have a rant on this new setup shortly, but for now, I am gonna call out ESPN…again! Every media outlet had confirmation that the new Wild Card format was put into place yesterday. Then, just before 11:30 AM pacific time, AKA more than 24 hours after I first heard the announcement, ESPN comes out with “breaking news” that there will be two extra Wild Card teams in this year’s playoffs. And I can all but guarantee they will credit one of their insiders as the one that broke the news. The lack of integrity is laughable. Two hacks in Southern California catch a guy pooing himself in an NFL game decide to start a blog and have more journalistic integrity than the biggest sports organization in the world? If ESPN wanted to wait until they got confirmation of the new playoff format, great, but don’t you dare call it breaking news, a developing story, and you sure as hell better not take credit for breaking the news. Especially when you can search Google and find that even Bleacher Report had the story almost 12 hours before ESPN. But, in the spirit of ESPN, I would like to announce some breaking news of my own. Peyton Manning has a pain in the neck. Baseball Spring Training has begun. Jeremy Lin appears to be pretty good. The NBA Slam Dunk competition sucks. Chris Berman is the most annoying sports personality on TV. Tiger Woods plays golf. And finally, ESPN no longer stand for Entertainment and Sports Programming Network, but instead now means Every Story Provided by Narcissists.

ESPN…Shut it!!!

I am aware Torsten is doing a 5 part Smearies of pet peeves in sports.  And, given that I don’t know his list, but do know him, I could very well be stepping on his toes of a future article, but I don’t care, I was pushed over the top this morning.  I am sick and tired of ESPN.  I am now convinced it is not a coincidence they are a 4-letter network because they are ****ing ridiculous.   It started early this week, when they decided to show breaking news and a developing story all over their networks.  “The St. Louis Rams intend to trade the #2 pick in the draft”.  Really?!?!  That is breaking news?  It was clear to anyone with have a sense of the situation the pick would be traded.  But the GM comes out and says they would be open to it means you need to break out the sounders and make a fuss about it?  It doesn’t even belong in the A segment of SportsCenter. (If I learned anything from one of the greatest shows ever, SportsNight, it is that the A segment is the opening segment, then following the first commercial is B, etc.)  Then, this morning I turn on SportsCenter, because I am apparently a glutton for punishment, and I see in the developing story box, Tiger -1 for the day through 12 holes.  Again, really?!?!  I get ESPN plays the hits, but give it a rest.  It is the Honda Open, I think, I really didn’t pay enough attention to it, but I perked up when I heard Davis Love III is the current leader, a long time solid golfer, good for him.  I then wanted to vomit when they talked about an 8 foot putt Tiger pushed wide right.  Right now Tiger is a top 25 golfer, deal with it.  You want to see greatness again?  Let the man golf and stop pestering with stupid questions about when he is gonna win his next major and why he missed the 8 footer on 12.  Want to know the answers?  He will win it when he wins it and he missed because he didn’t putt it right, and you want to know why he is up there and you are asking the questions?  Because after taking a beating with a 9 iron from an angry wife, he could still whoop your ass on and off the course.  He was one of the most dominating athletes of all time.  Why can’t we just appreciate those things?  Guess what, Jordan wasn’t great forever.  Babe Ruth went through slumps.  Mickey Mantle got drunk and laid too many nights in a row and had some 0-4 days.  Crosby got hit in the head once and is practically retired.  Tiger Woods has won a U.S. Open on a broken leg.  Only Jack Youngblood can question Tiger’s toughness.  Then Tiger got run down worse by his wife than Chuck Finley was beaten by Tawny Kitaen.  He has had several surgeries, and his game has fallen off.  If 90% of people had the amount of surgeries Tiger has had and went through a divorce like he did in the public eye, they would either go into hiding, or admit themselves into a mental institution.  I appreciate greatness.  I hate Jeter, but love to watch him play.  I hate Peyton Manning, but want him to come back and make a few more playoff runs.  I was pulling for Jordan in Washington.  I wish Emmitt never went to Arizona.  I want the greats to remain great, so back off the Tiger coverage, and let the man play the game he can play better than anyone in history.

Mini Smearies: Pet Peeves of Sports Journalism, Part 1 of 5

The Catch Phrase

The art of sports journalism, especially in the broadcasting realm, is one that requires a skill rivaling the finest artists of all kinds in this history of the world. The broadcast paints a picture with his words, the great ones doing so with such aplomb that you can close your eyes and picture the scene unfolding beautifully before you… or just listen to the radio. It’s an art that requires a fine balance of effusiveness, humility, and unassumingness; a willingness to be a part of the background while also being front and center of the action. Vin Scully does it with an avuncular soothingness and tongue in cheek self depracation that even the most passive baseball fan can appreciate. The unparalleled Andres Cantor does it with a boyish enthusiasm intertwined with a detail-oriented genius that Einstein would have appreciated. Marv Albert, between depraved romps with prostitutes, does it with an effortless clarity devoid of ever a stumble. There are more, too many to mention in fact, that spin the most beautiful yarns over what most of the time really amounts to just a game in the large scheme of things.

And then you have the 90%. The mediocre. The commentators who do just that. Comment. And they’re tolerable if only because in plenty of cases, you really have no idea who number 46 is on the Carolina Hurricanes, but he happens to be the guy with the puck.

Then, it’s the 5%. The hacks. The ones who despite their minority seem to be a part of the broadcasting team for 99% of relevant games. There’s only one cricket in your room at 3am, but the incessant chirping makes it seem like the little bastard is everywhere. These are the ones. They are so desperate to make their mark, to ascend the ranks of broadcasting and be recognized among the elite that they take the desperate step to develop that one thing that becomes synonymous with them. The Catch Phrase.

The catch phrase is quite possibly the stupidest thing in the history of sports stupidity. Oh sure, there are exceptions. The aforementioned Cantor’s, “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLL!!!!!!!!” invokes excitement among viewers both in Spanish and in English, Cantor’s brilliance equal in both languages. UFC’s Mike Goldberg’s “Here! We! Go!” before the main event also is fitting, catering to the rabid bloodlust of the full contact sport’s fanbase. Albert’s simple, “Yes!” when a basketball player hits a big shot is fitting too, because that’s where it ends, until another player sinks a shot, one that is sure to be just one of 70 or so throughout the course of a game. And that, folks, is pretty much where it ends.

Just to name a few that really irk me, Max Bretos’ “Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!” after a soccer goal is scored is both patently a rip off of Cantor AND Albert, but utterly pointless when effusive praise or enthusiastic analysis of the scored goal would be far more fitting. The White Sox’ Ken Harrelson has a satchel full of idiotic ones, not the least of which is, “He gone…” when an opposing team’s player strikes out. What would be wrong with, “Got him. Great slider by Humber.” Nothing. Nothing would be wrong with it. The utterly likeable Gus Johnson loses points for, “Instant Classic.” That’s a freaking oxymoron, you idiot! By very definition a classic CAN’T be instant. He does make up some points for, “What a game!”, though he uses it too frequently for it to have any real value anymore, kind of like the Zimbabwean dollar… What seems like the entire staff at ESPN appears to spend hours trying to develop this sophomoric word vomit because it’s all they do. In fact, according to an old Sportscenter commercial featuring Kenny Mayne replaying the same Ken Griffey Jr. homerun trying to come up with a good phrase would indicate that they might. (someone please help me find video of this, it’s awesome)

Why do they do this? Why? Insecurity in who they are? Fear of being forgotten? Whatever it is, it needs to stop. Please. Catch phrases with very few exceptions pillage beauty from the sports we love to watch. Catch phrases from announcers will be among the first things I outlaw when I am president… and really, how bad could I do at THAT job?

Bonus Peeve:  People who use highlighters to circle things. You do realize that the damn things were invented so you don’t have to navigate your writing implement around the thing you want to accentuate? If you want to draw a circle, use a pen! If you’re gonna use a highlighter, use it as the damn thing was intended when it was invented!