Category: Team USA

What to Watch this Weekend: Football at Breakfast, Baseball for Dinner, and Beer for the Weight of Your Wife

We’re deep into October, that stretch where every screen in your house wants attention and the remote is one bad decision from becoming a weapon. NFL mornings in London, college football heat, playoff baseball drama, NASCAR in Vegas, and yes—a weekend where people literally carry their spouses for beer while others float peacefully over Albuquerque. Balance, baby.

NFL — Sunday Stack + MNF Double Shot

Broncos vs Jets (London, Tottenham) — Sun 9:30 AM ET, NFL Network. Brunch football and jet lag—London’s favorite export.
Seahawks at Jaguars — Sun 1:00 PM ET, FOX. Sunshine, humidity, and enough fourth-quarter weirdness to melt fantasy lineups.
49ers at Buccaneers — Sun 4:25 PM ET, CBS. West Coast grit meets Florida man energy.
Lions at Chiefs (SNF) — Sun 8:20 PM ET, NBC/Peacock. Arrowhead after dark. Loud enough to make your ribs vibrate.
MNF Doubleheader — Mon 7:15 PM ET (ESPN) & 8:15 PM ET (ABC). Two helpings for your Monday misery.

College Football — Ranked vs Ranked & Rivalry Flavor (Sat)

No. 1 Ohio State @ No. 17 Illinois — 12:00 PM ET, FOX. Trap-game vibes in Champaign.
No. 8 Alabama @ No. 14 Missouri — 12:00 PM ET, ABC. The Tide rolls into Columbia needing points and answers.
No. 7 Indiana @ No. 3 Oregon — 3:30 PM ET, CBS/Paramount+. Ducks at home with two of the top QBs in college football.
Texas vs Oklahoma (Red River Rivalry, Dallas) — 3:30 PM ET, ABC. Hate in the Cotton Bowl, as it should be.

MLB Postseason — Win or Go Home

Friday (Oct 10) — Tigers @ Mariners, Game 5 (ALDS) — TBS/truTV/Max. Winner gets Toronto on Sunday in the ALCS opener.
Saturday (Oct 11) — Cubs @ Brewers, Game 5 (NLDS) — FOX/FS1. Winner heads west to face the Dodgers in the NLCS.
Sunday (Oct 12) — ALCS Game 1: Blue Jays vs Tigers/Mariners Winner, Rogers Centre.

October baseball—where heart rates go to die.

NHL — Opening Weekend

First full weekend of the new season. ESPN, TNT, and ESPN+ all carry national windows, but every fan base thinks their team’s goalie looks sharper than last year. (He doesn’t. No one’s does.)

NASCAR Playoffs — Viva Las Vegas (Round of 8 Opener)

Xfinity: Focused Health 302 — Sat 7:30 PM ET, The CW. Desert night race.
Cup: South Point 400 — Sun 5:30 PM ET, USA Network. Eight drivers, one ticket to Phoenix.

Soccer — U-20 World Cup + Senior Action

U-20 World Cup Quarterfinal: USA vs Morocco — Sun 4:00 PM ET, FS2. The Americans are alive and kicking into the quarters.
USMNT vs Ecuador (Friendly, Austin) — Fri 8:30 PM ET, TNT/truTV/Peacock/Universo/HBO Max. South American pace, Texas humidity.
World Cup Qualifying — Ongoing across UEFA, CAF, and CONMEBOL. If you wake up at odd hours, there’s soccer on.

Wildcard Window — Nonsense, Elevation, and True Romance

North American Wife Carrying Championship — Newry, Maine

Sat, Oct 11 (late morning ET) — Sunday River Ski Resort
Couples sprint an obstacle course while one carries the other—preferably Estonian-style—for her weight in beer and five times her weight in cash. Romance isn’t dead; it’s just wheezing at the finish line.

Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta — Albuquerque, NM

Fri–Sun, Oct 10–12, Balloon Fiesta Park
Dawn Patrol (~6 AM MT / 8 AM ET) and Night Magic Glow each evening. Hundreds of balloons, thousands of burners, zero logical reason not to look up.

The Stain Remote Plan

Saturday: Bama-Mizzou brunch → Texas-OU and Indiana-Oregon chaos → Xfinity under the lights.
Sunday: London breakfast football → Cup chaos in Vegas → Lions-Chiefs primetime → U-20 Yanks vs Morocco closer.
Anytime: Balloon Fiesta streams for zen; Wife Carrying for comedy; MLB for palpitations.

What to Watch This Weekend: Flush the Excuses, Strap In, and Pray for Your Plumbing

The Stain Sports was born out of bathroom humor, so it’s only fair the weekend ahead feels like a marathon Taco Bell run — fast, messy, and guaranteed to test your guts. What is a Taco Bell run you wonder? Well Denver’s most deranged ultramarathon makes Taco Tuesday look like a spa day. NFL goes abroad, college football brings service-academy swagger in fighter-jet threads, F1 lights the streets of Singapore, NASCAR chews up the ROVAL, and UFC straps up for a title brawl.

NFL — Week 5 Headlines

Vikings vs Browns (London) — Sun 9:30 AM ET, NFL Network/ESPN+
Breakfast football, defense vs. Jefferson, and another chance for London to politely clap for punts.
Broncos at Eagles — Sun 1:00 PM ET, CBS
Philly’s trench dominance against Denver’s pass rush.
Buccaneers at Seahawks — Sun 4:05 PM ET, FOX
Baker’s chaos in one of the loudest stadiums in sports.
Commanders at Chargers — Sun 4:25 PM ET, CBS
Washington’s front four trying to collapse SoFi.
Patriots at Bills — Sun 8:20 PM ET, NBC/Peacock
Bills are supposed to own the division, but divisional dogs always bite harder in primetime.

College Football — Rivalries and Flyovers

Boise State at Notre Dame — Sat 12:00 PM ET, NBC/Peacock
Blue turf toughness hits the golden helmets.
Air Force at Navy — Sat 12:00 PM ET, CBS Sports Network
Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy opener. Forget “whiteout” — Air Force is rolling out F-16 inspired uniforms built for supersonic option football that go entirely too hard.

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Vanderbilt at Alabama — Sat 3:30 PM ET, CBS
Last year Vandy shocked Bama; Tuscaloosa hasn’t stopped muttering since. Revenge tour or repeat nightmare?
Virginia at Louisville — Sat 3:30 PM ET, ABC/ESPN App
ACC undercard with bite.
Miami (FL) at Florida State — Sat 7:30 PM ET, ABC
Sunshine State spite in primetime.

MLB Postseason — Division Series Begin

American League

New York Yankees vs Toronto Blue Jays — Game 1 Sat Oct 4, Rogers Centre, Toronto (FOX/FS1)
Classic AL East blood feud, now with October stakes. The Bronx Bombers ride momentum into a hostile Canada.
Seattle Mariners vs Detroit Tigers — Game 1 Sat Oct 4, T-Mobile Park, Seattle (TBS/TruTV/Max)
Mariners’ power vs. Detroit’s arms. Two fan bases starving for October glory collide.

National League

Philadelphia Phillies vs Los Angeles Dodgers — Game 1 Sat Oct 4, Citizens Bank Park, Philadelphia (FOX/FS1)
Two heavyweights. Two stacked lineups. One ticket to the NLCS.

Milwaukee Brewers vs Chicago Cubs — Game 1 Sat Oct 4, American Family Field, Milwaukee (TBS/TruTV/Max)
NL Central neighbors turned October enemies. Wrigley vs. Milwaukee taps straight into Midwest baseball heartache.

Formula 1 — Singapore Grand Prix (Marina Bay)

Practice: Fri 5:30 AM & 9:00 AM ET (ESPN platforms).
Qualifying: Sat 9:00 AM ET, ESPN.
Race: Sun 5:00 AM ET, ESPN.
Support: F1 Academy + Porsche Carrera Cup Asia.

It’s hot, it’s humid, and if a driver sneezes in Turn 18, half the field’s in the wall.

NASCAR — Charlotte ROVAL Playoffs

Truck: EcoSave 250 — Fri 3:30 PM, FS1
Xfinity: Blue Cross NC 250 — Sat 5:00 PM, The CW
Cup: Bank of America ROVAL 400 — Sun 3:00 PM, USA Network/truTV

Half oval, half road course, all mayhem.

Combat Sports — UFC 320

UFC 320: Ankalaev vs Pereira II (Light Heavyweight Title) — Sat Oct 4
- Early Prelims: 6:00 PM ET, ESPN+
- Prelims: 8:00 PM ET, ESPN+/ESPNEWS
- Main Card: 10:00 PM ET, ESPN+ PPV

Ankalaev plays the long game, Pereira brings the sledgehammer.

Soccer — Euro Heavyweights & U-20 Spotlight

Saturday:

Chelsea vs Liverpool — 12:30 PM ET, NBC/Peacock/Universo
Dortmund vs RB Leipzig — 9:30 AM ET, ESPN+
Eintracht Frankfurt vs Bayern Munich — 12:30 PM ET, ESPN+
Real Madrid vs Villarreal — 3:00 PM ET, ESPN+/ESPN Deportes

Sunday:

Sevilla vs Barcelona — 10:15 AM ET, ESPN+/ESPN Deportes
Juventus vs AC Milan — 2:45 PM ET, Paramount+
Lille vs PSG — 11:45 AM ET, beIN/stream TBA
Porto vs Benfica — 11:15 AM ET, GolTV/Fubo

Youth Spotlight:

FIFA U-20 World Cup — South Africa vs USA — Sun 4:00 PM ET, FS2

WNBA Finals — Aces vs Mercury

Game 2 — Sun 3:00 PM ET, ABC
Las Vegas star power vs Phoenix grit. And yes, it comes after the league’s commissioner made headlines for all the wrong reasons this week — which only adds heat to a Finals already packed with it.

Taco Bell 50K Ultramarathon (Denver)

Forget Boston. Forget Berlin. The most sadistic race on Earth involves ten Taco Bells, nine required food items, and 31 miles of regret.

By Stop 4, you’ve got to hammer down a Chalupa or Crunchwrap. By Stop 8, it’s a Burrito Supreme or Nachos Bell Grande. All while running. All under 11 hours. Only one designated bathroom break (avoid Wash Park if you in Denver this weekend).

Optional bonuses include drowning everything in Diablo sauce or attempting to keep two liters of Baja Blast inside your body. Spoiler: it won’t work.

The prize? A commemorative token. The punishment? Your own digestive tract filing for divorce.

The Stain Remote Plan

Saturday: Boise-ND and AF-Navy at noon → ROVAL Xfinity mid-afternoon → Miami-FSU primetime → UFC 320 at night.
Sunday: London breakfast football → Singapore GP sunrise → ROVAL Cup chaos → NFL quadruple stack (Vikings-Browns, Broncos-Eagles, Bucs-Seahawks/Commanders-Chargers, Pats-Bills) → WNBA Finals G2 → and the Taco Bell 50K if you dare.
Saturday and Sunday: Baseball playoff action.

Player Ratings – USA vs. Mexico, International Friendly

Setting the stage: If you’ve read our site before, and judging by our analytics you haven’t, you know how this works. But anyway, we use a half point system because it’s more fun, generally talk shit about the ineptness of the manager’s strategy, etc. etc.

A couple of important things to note about this game; we aren’t in a FIFA window so clubs were not required to release their players for international duty. Save for Sergino Dest, players were indeed not granted their releases to play in this game. As a result, you will see some newer faces and if you follow MLS, some familiar faces who might not otherwise crack an international roster.

We’re currently about 30 minutes from kick off here so we have a few minutes to share some early thoughts. Primarily this. Expect a dumpster fire. A bunch of guys who don’t normally play together, playing together under an interim manager who has never had any measurable success at any of his stops. Fun times to come! *cracks beer*

10 minutes to kick off: So one thing is already pissing me off. This game is being streamed on HBO Max, which sucks because it just took me about 13 minutes to reset my password since I haven’t used the stupid service in forever, and quite frankly forgot that I was paying for it.

Recap: Well, nobody was expecting a clinic tonight, were they? It wasn’t ugly soccer — you’ll see a lot worse. In fact, considering the lineup trotted out, the team acquitted itself reasonably well. Still, you’d have liked to see the team a little bit more interested in, you know, scoring some more goals before Mexico took the lead. The US pressed Mexico into a couple of turnovers that led to promising counters in the first half, perhaps getting a little unfortunate for Jordan Morris not to score. But as we saw so often during the Gregg Berhalter era, possession in the opponent’s third too often ended up in a pass back to the goalie. A criminally bad turnover by Aaron Long, really capping off a criminally bad performance by a criminally bad player, let to Mexico’s opener. The US didn’t capitulate, continued to press, and despite Mexico clattering the woodwork with a shot that could have put the game to bed, got a deserved equalizer late on through Jesus Ferreira.

The Players:

GK, Sean Johnson – 4.5: Johnson didn’t have a lot to do outside of the goal, and there wasn’t a ton he could do about it. Came out smartly for a few crosses. Did make a halfway decent save low to his left on De La Rosa in the second half. Was beaten cleanly on a couple of close calls where a better keeper may have gotten a hand to it. Where he was nearly exposed most on multiple occasions was his inability to play with the ball at his feet. Multiple shanked clearances, wayward or underhit passes, and general discomfort is not what you want to see. It’s not a big deal because he’s about 14th on the US goalie depth chart, but for that reason he probably shouldn’t have been the guy tonight anyway.

LB, Sergino Dest – 5.5: Dest switched sides for this one from his customary right back position. In general, he looked ok. Didn’t get beaten on the wing by anyone, and generally made it difficult for Julian Araujo and company to provide useful service from his wing. Committed a couple of fouls that led to free kicks in the attacking zone for Mexico, but that happens. What we really missed from Dest were his marauding runs up the wing on the counter. He was entirely non-existent on offense in the first half, and that’s where he’s at his best. And when he finally did charge ahead, he beat three Mexican defenders and released Jordan Morris for the US equalizer. We needed more of that. Disappointing.

LCB, Aaron Long – 1.5: Maybe one day we’ll see what the fuss was ever about. To be fair, he had one nice cover to erase a Mexican counterattack in the first half, but apart from that, his few clearances were undecisive and his passing at the back was, if not erratic, inaccurate. Most glaring, he was entirely to blame for the turnover that led to Mexico’s opener. Yes, Acosta played him into a difficult spot but there was no reason to let Antuna win that ball from him. He’s quite simply terrible. Hopefully this is his last game in the shirt. Off for Miazga in the 70th minute.

RCB, Walker Zimmerman – 6.5: Won every arial challenge in his radius, and in general bailed out his central defensive partner fairly well. Any time Mexico got close to scoring while he was out there had nothing to do with him. Biggest contribution was a critical late clearance out of the six yard box as Mexico chased a winner. But much like Dest, he didn’t provide anything on offense. While he doesn’t blaze up and down the field like Dest, he usually manages to provide some positive passing from the back. For some reason, he decided to play a bunch of entirely unnecessary, unpressured long balls today. They weren’t necessarily awful, but why play them when a better option exists? Still, more good than bad, as usual, from the dependable World Cup veteran.

RB, DeAndre Yedlin – 5.5: Yedlin still has blazing speed, even though he’s on the wrong side of 30 with a lot of miles on his tires. In general, the veteran defender looked at home in the squad, snuffing out attacks with his speed, and creating space on the attack by surging up the wing. However, he seems entirely uninterested in doing anything enterprising in the final third, electing usually to play an unnecessary back pass. And he’s always good for a few unnecessary fouls that lead to free kicks in dangerous situations. Certainly not awful, but he could have been better.

LM, Cade Cowell – 2.5: I’m not sure I heard his name called in the first half. Had a couple of opportunities early in the second half to create something off of a turnover but barrelled headlong into cul de sacs. What a crushing disappointment from one of the more promising youngsters in the US squad. Off for Alan Sonora in the 64th.

CDM, Kellyn Acosta – 2.0: Dreadful. The veteran is usually trusty, if not particularly impactful. The fact that the US had very few free kicks or corners throughout this game really limited the impact Acosta could have, as he’s the best deliverer of deadball situations. But usually he’s a fairly responsible defensive presence. The US would have been better off playing with ten men today. Couldn’t keep possession. Couldn’t make a tackle.

CM, James Sands – 6.5: Well well well. Anyone who knows me knows that I laugh at James Sands. I never got the appeal of him in MLS, and his Scottish loan was hilariously disastrous. Why even put him in the squad when better options like… well, me, exist. But, let’s be honest, he was the architect of every positive attacking play the US had in the first half. Frequently made himself available in space, and sprayed about half a dozen inch-perfect cross-field passes to set up promising opportunities. Also slid comfortably into a center back role as the US reconfigured to chase the equalizer, including a crucial challenge in stoppage time to prevent a golden chance for Mexico to snatch a late winner. His first touch still lets him down too frequently, but this was something to build on. I’m always happy to be proven wron

RM, Jordan Morris – 5.5: Morris always runs his ass off, and generally gets in space as a result of it. He’s been on an absolute tear for Seattle in MLS as their center forward. Looked decent on the wing for the US tonight, but as is the case with just about everyone on this squad, the final product is generally a let down. He had about ten chances, no exaggeration, to put a useful ball into the box for someone to latch onto. It wasn’t until his 11th, a lovely ball in on Ferreira’s equalizer, that he got it right. It was a nice assist. He should have had about three of them.

CAM, Jesus Ferreira – 4.5: You can always count on Ferreira to run tirelessly, and he’s an easy guy to cheer for. One of his several dozen full steam runs into the attacking third was finally rewarded with the equalizing goal, a reflexive finish off a nice Jordan Morris cross that took a slight late deflection. Other than that, his passes were consistently astray, his first touch was awful, and he simply doesn’t look the part of a number 10 / false 9. He’ll never have to be ashamed of the effort level, and seems to get stronger as the game goes along, but he always leaves you wanting more.

F, Brandon Vazquez – 1.0: Was he even on the field? He seemed entirely uninterested in doing anything at all. Off for Aidan Morris in the 64th minute, which was about 54 minutes too late.

The Subs

Alan Sonora – 5.5: Didn’t have a ton of opportunities to leave his mark on the game but the US had a different complexion to them once he came on. Hard not to give him a lot of credit for that.

Aidan Morris – N/A: Minimal impact, apart from a nearly costly turnover.

Matt Miazga – N/A: Minimal impact.

Paxton Pomykal – N/A: Thank Christ we only saw him for the final few minutes. He’s abysmal.

Caleb Wylie – N/A: Would have liked to see him for more than just the last few minutes. With the helium this kid gets from the pundits, we should have had the opportunity to see him play.

The USMNT Has a Goalie Problem

Over the last three decades, the United States mens team has cycled through various weaknesses that have kept it on the outside looking in at the world’s elite programs. But goalie has always been a strength. The steady hands of fellas like Casey Keller, Brad Friedl, Tim Howard, Brad Guzan, and even the few cameos made by MLS stalwarts like Nick Rimando always gave the team at least a fighting chance to hang with the powerhouses.

And now, with more and more players making the leap to, and playing significant minutes in Europe, the U.S. is in theory supposed to have its best crop of goalkeepers yet. The reality, however, is that they don’t. Even though Zack Steffen and Matt Turner are on the books at two of England’s biggest clubs, they have given fans, let alone coach Greg Berhalter, no reason for confidence. Third choice and Gold Cup hero Ethan Horvath would seem to be an option, but he can’t unseat Brice Samba at Nottingham Forest. The youth ranks include highly rated Gaga Slonina, but Poland came calling and he may very soon no longer be an option.

Oddest of all, this is rapidly becoming a five alarm fire, and nobody is talking about it. They really need to be.

Let’s start with Steffen. In his most recent high profile game, he dilly dallied in possession, allowing Sadio Mane to disposess him directly into the net, essentially sealing Manchester City’s FA Cup semifinal defeat. Now, everyone is human and even the world’s finest keepers like Jan Oblak and Thibault Courtois have had moments they’d rather forget. But it’s becoming a pattern with Steffen in big games. In last year’s FA Cup he horribly misjudged a through ball, allowing Chelsea’s Timo Werner and Hakim Zayech to combine for an easy winning goal. In the World Cup qualifying loss to Costa Rica, in which the U.S. sealed their ticket to Qatar anyway, he was caught on his heels with his hands at his sides on Juan Pablo Vargas’ well-taken header to open the scoring. While it would have taken a solid save to keep the ball out of the net, a goalie has to at least be in position to try, which Steffen wasn’t. The sting was worsened by Costa Rica’s Keylor Navas making a string of excellent reaction saves to keep the game scoreless up to that point.

The U.S. was still controlling possession and had the lion’s share of the attacking chances but the game was then put out of reach after another Steffen error, this one a brutal blunder in which he failed to hang on to a harmless cross, leading to a scramble and an ultimately easy tap in for Costa Rica to double their lead.

If Matt Turner has been better, it’s only by a slim margin. When the U.S. traveled to Canada in World Cup qualifying, a match they should have had designs on winning considering the absence of the world class Alphonso Davies, it was Turner who failed to get set on Cyle Larin’s opening goal. While Larin’s shot was well-hit, the replay showed Turner would get his fingertips on the ball despite not being able to muster any kind of a dive. An awful error? No, but once again, the pain was made worse later on in the game when Canada’s Milan Borjan produced a beautiful one-handed parry of Weston McKennie’s goalbound header to preserve Canada’s lead. Lev Yashin himself could have done nothing to prevent Canada’s stoppage time 2-0 strike, but it was nearly academic anyway as a few minutes earlier, Turner nearly gifted a goal to the Canadians by fumbling a completely harmless shot right into the path of an oncoming striker, who somehow contrived to smash the ball right back into Turner.

The U.S. is getting better, no doubt. But if they want to progress farther than they ever have come Qatar, they will need their goalkeeping to steal them a game, as Tim Howard so nearly did against Belgium in 2014, but for Chris Wondolowski to blast over when scoring seemed easier. Right now, their goalkeeping looks more likely to lose them a game than win them one.

There isn’t an easy solution. There’s no explanation why Horvath hasn’t gotten a shot at it. Chituru Odunze and the aforementioned Slonina may very well be too young for the big stage. It’s possible an MLS veteran like Sean Johnson or Bill Hamid could step up, but neither looks great so far this season.

One thing there is as a silver lining is time. The games don’t start tomorrow. Someone can step to the forefront and stand out. But step one is for Berhalter and company to admit there’s a problem. And they haven’t, and likely won’t.

Got a solution we haven’t thought of? Let us know in the comments. Thanks for reading.

USMNT Depth Chart: Attack

As we come out of another international break, we have decided to keep a running depth chart for the USMNT. It has become very clear Gregg Berhalter is running with a 4-3-3 with two wingers outside the number nine and a pair of central midfielders ahead of a defensive mid, with the right ride of those two central leaning slightly more attack focused. We will roll out our latest depth chart in a four-piece series, broken down in attack, midfield, wide defenseman, and finally central defense and keeper. Certain positions are a bit fluid (left center back and right center back the most fluid of them all) and we will not list the same player twice, even if most the right backs are also depth at left back.

Also included will be players deemed “For the Future” or FTF who are players still playing for youth versions of the USMNT, although a couple will have limited call ups to the senior side, worth keeping an eye on.

We will list the players with Name – Team – League – Country (for MLS it will be USA even if it is a club based in Canada)

With that, let’s start with the attack:

Summary: Pepi is the clear-cut number nine for the club, but behind him is a massive question mark. Pefok has had moments but didn’t get the call up multiple cycles in a row. Sargent has the potential but seems to have fallen out of favor some. Ferreira seems lost when on the pitch at the national level and Dike just isn’t there yet. It may come down to the veteran options of Zardes and Altidore. FTF features both Sanogo, who hasn’t had a senior appearance national or domestic yet but had a solid showing at the Revelations Cup in Mexico with the U20s and was on this year’s Next Generation list at The Guardian. Gomez has not made an appearance at any international level, but he has a pair of goals for third tier German side FSV Zwichau who is managed by former player that has a single appearance with the USMNT in Joe Enochs. Gomez’ brother will also show up in at the wide defenseman list, but both have options between USA and Mexico, and it may be important for the USA to get them committed rather than heading south.

Summary: There is no more clear-cut number one at a position than Pulisic, but this may also be the deepest spot other than right back. Aaronson has been an every match starter, but I don’t have him in my top-11. He is a high effort player but lacks discipline and finishing skill at times. Against Mexico he too often found himself out of position, changing the USA shape from a 4-3-3 to a 4-3-2-Aaronson. Konrad has moments of brilliance but lacks consistency. Hoppe is a guy who could play center forward, but his time with the national team has been on the left side. He has future potential of being in the top 11, he just isn’t there yet. Lewis has only seen limited run but has fared very well in MLS, while Morris has a quality track record with the national team. Once fully healthy again he will likely climb his way up this crowded list. The FTF is Gutierrez and Toure, with Gutierrez a guy that looked good for the U20s in Mexico and has seen plenty of first team action with Chicago despite only being 18. Toure is the biggest dark horse to make the list at any position, he is on loan from the Rapids to the USL where he wasn’t even a regular starter, but when in he makes impressive runs and the raw ability is special.

Summary: Reyna has been battling injuries, but when healthy he provides an incredible winger option opposite Pulisic. That said, Weah took every advantage of this international break as he was arguably the best player on the field vs. Mexico, and he scored an impressive goal against Jamaica. Arriola has been a popular sub for Berhalter and is a poor man’s Aaronson for me, plenty of energy and effort, skill just isn’t there. Gioacchini is an interesting one for me as he has looked good for Montpellier, one of the rare loans up as he is under contract with Caen in the second level of French soccer. Gioacchini has proven he belongs in the first flight and could be a candidate to battle for one of the last spots on the World Cup roster. Cowell is the FTF here and could be argued is a center forward, he saw time at left wing with the U20s this break but also wore the 19 and played right striker while setting up a goal against Mexico. In the end, I think he is on the right side and is a future scoring threat as he was tied for second in goals for San Jose this season and tied for most games played, although over half his appearances came as a sub.

The All “You’ve Never Heard of ‘Em” of Soccer’s USMNT

After their dismal qualifying performance for the 2018 World Cup, resulting in them missing the tournament for the first time in decades, confidence in the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team was at an all-time low. The team’s on-field play was disjointed, they were dismally coached by Jurgen Klinsmann and Bruce Arena, and little hope sprung on the horizon. A few years later on, oh how much has changed. A string of positive performances under current coach Greg Berhalter, along with a flood of talented players making names for themselves in Europe and across the world has optimism once again coursing through U.S. soccer fans’ veins.

Recent friendlies have seen many players snag their first caps, and has thrown fuel on the fire of one soccer’s most fun guessing games: who are going to be the 23?

Well, some answers to this question are obvious. Everyone knows who Christian Pulisic is, the talismanic attacking midfielder currently kicking ass and taking names for Chelsea. Other young stars on the rise like Konrad De La Fuente, Sergino Dest, Josh Sargent, Weston McKinnie, and others are rapidly becoming household names.

But what if Berhalter wanted to really plumb the depths of the talent mine to round out the back end of the roster? He would probably schedule a friendly to audition a bunch of heretofore unknown players for those spots, wouldn’t he? Well, if WE were Berhalter, it’s what WE would do.

Here’s how that lineup might look.

Goalkeeper: Divine Imasuen

The United States has rarely been hurting for goalkeeping talent, which makes it weird that they kept running out Brad Guzan for so many games after the over overrated Tim Howard era. That being neither here nor there, the U.S. maintains a healthy stable of good goalkeepers, including but not limited to guys like Zach Steffen and Ethan Horvath. But if they ever wanted a, uh, intervention at the position, they might go with Divine Imasuen. The 19-year-old is currently contracted to Tennis Borussia in the German Regionalliga, which is somewhere between the 4th and 16th tier of German soccer. I’d say he was plying his trade, but it doesn’t look like he’s gotten on the field yet. Competition must be stiff up there in Tennis, wherever the hell that is.

Defender: Jonathan Campbell

Jonathan Campbell. He even sounds like a defender, right? John Brooks. Timothy Chandler. Jonathan Campbell. Would you even ask the question? Campbell is a veteran of sorts at age 29. Deep MLS fans may even remember the time he spent with the Chicago Fire from 2016 to 2018, and his cup of coffee in 2019 with the Seattle Sounders. Campbell supposedly announced his retirement in May of last year, but joke’s on you morons. The interwebs tell me he’s currently lacing them up for Svay Rieng in the Cambodian C-League. If my wild dreams of a Jonathan Campbell Disney movie-type late rise to stardom have any chance of becoming reality, I really hope there’s not a Cambodian A or B-League…

Defender: Rayan Holland

No, that’s not a typo, presumptuous grammar snob. You think I don’t know how to spell Ryan? That isn’t even this guy’s name. Anyway, Holland. He was born in England, but for some reason that I assume involves at least one of his parents, he has U.S. National Team eligibility. And a good thing he does, because if his recent performance for Kettering Town of the English National League (a mere four tiers below the Premiership) are any indicator, a call-up could happen at any moment. I may or may not have made some assumptions about those performances, because it’s impossible to find any information on his play, but come on. Rayan Holland! What a name!

Defender: Tom Tom Johnson

If you’re wondering why Johnson’s first name is Tom Tom instead of just Tom, or Thomas, or Tommy, so am I. Imagine being a 25-year-old from New Jersey, and having to introduce yourself with a name that sounds like something your grandma puts in your birthday card accompanying the wool sweater she knit you. Well, grandma can be proud of lil’ Tom Tom because he’s representing Rincon in the Spanish Autonomicas Division. I don’t know anything about Rincon, or Autonomicas for that matter, except that it’s below the Tercera Division, which my high school Spanish gives me reasonable confidence in asserting it’s well below the Primera Division as well.

Defender: Leo Krupnik

This is funny because Krupnik is old enough to have been born in the Soviet freaking Union!!! At 41, he’s still younger than me but whatever. While I can’t find any statistics on him after 2015, he’s still apparently somehow with Maccabi Umm Al Fahm in the Israeli Liga Bet. If the name sounds familiar to you, it’s because Krupnik actually had a fairly long, if a bit undistinguished, career in pro soccer, including a brief stint with the New York Red Bulls in 2009. And if you think 41 is too old to have a shot at making your international debut, well then you’ve clearly never seen Dennis Quaid in The Rookie. Jimmy Morris may have been about 36 when he cracked the big leagues with the Devil Rays, but Quaid was at least 60 when he played the part.

Midfielder: Mukwelle Akale

I had a whole litany of funny things to write about Akale, who is from Minneapolis and currently patrols the wing for Pafos in the Cypriot first division. That means it’s in Cyprus, you uncultured cretin. Turns out, I’m the dingus and the joke is on me. If Akale ever did get that call up to the senior team, it would only be his first time representing the senior team. That’s right. Akale has represented the U.S. at the U-17, U-18, and U-20 levels. *throws jokes into trash can*

Midfielder: Nehemia Perry

Perry is a 27-year-old of Jamaican descent but American eligibility who patrols the midfield for St. Andrews. No, not that St. Andrews. Not the other St. Andrews either. This St. Andrews is in the Maltese Challenge League. This is noteworthy because I was today years old when I found out that the Malta has multiple tiers of professional soccer. The Challenge League is not in the top one. To be fair to Perry, the limited statistical availability for Maltese lower league soccer still confirms he’s logged a few minutes for the team, even smashing home a goal. And can you say that you have scored a goal in professional soccer? Yeah, I didn’t think so, so shut up.

Midfielder: Athanasios Scheidt

In case you wondered, Scheidt’s name is pronounced shite. I know this, because I understand the basics of enunciation, and in the off chance I’m wrong, it means that God hates us and we’re all doomed anyway. Scheidt was born in Germany but apparently has at least one American parent, which passes the sniff test because we’re known as a country in which parents name their kids some pretty weird ass shite. See what I did there? Your new favorite player with the name Athanasios earns that distinction over all the other Athanasiosi by playing for Radomiak Radom in Polish I Liga. Or maybe it’s the 1 Liga? Who the hell knows, but it’s not the Ekstraklasa, which is evidently the top tier in Polish soccer.

Midfielder: Ben Sippola

Remember this guy? No you don’t, you damn liar. I mean, sure, there’s an off-chance you were a die-hard Columbus Crew supporter circa 2011, and knew his name from the occasional appearance on the substitutes bench. But let’s just be honest with one another. You weren’t a Crew fan in 2011, you’ll never be a Crew fan, and I had a third thing I wanted to say here but my train of thought got derailed. The 33-year-old Sippola currently is on the roster of Torslanda in the fourth tier of Swedish soccer. I can’t find any stats for him after 2013 so he might just be a coach. But it’s more fun to think of him out there whipping crosses and snapping fibulas in sub zero temperatures.

Forward: Arda Bulut

Bulut currently smashes goals into the back of the net for Karacabey Belediyespor in the Turkish second division. Yes, I absolutely copy and pasted that team name, because the chances of me typing that out without a typo that changed it’s meaning to goat humper or something embarrassing was close to zero. Also, Bulut has really only smashed in one goal. In 70 career minutes. Wipe that smirk off your face. It’s one more goal than you’ve scored.

Forward: Dion Acoff

Listen, man. You can’t go out there and bag goals for an Icelandic powerhouse like Throttur Reykjavik without being a badass on the pitch. Or maybe you can. Maybe you just have to be kinda good at soccer. And Acoff might be, because the 29-year-old from Fontana, California sees semi-regular playing time with Iceland’s biggest soccer club and has netted 16 career goals for them.

Substitutes Bench

Goalkeeper: Brian Schwake

The 19-year-old Schwake still has his whole career in front of him. If he doesn’t suck, it could be a long one. He does, however, play for Linlithgow Rose in Scotland. Heard of them? If not, that’s because they play in the Scotland Feeder Leagues. I don’t know what a Feeder League is, but it’s likely several levels below the Premiership, which is home to storied clubs like Rangers, Celtic, Dundee United, Hibernian and others.

Defender: Stephen Payne

Shaun accused me of writing too many homer articles. And while he’s right about that, I’m passive aggressively clapping back by including as many Southern California guys as I can. Payne was born in Riverside, which I just now noticed could just as easily be in Nigeria as it could in California, but whatever. He’s logging full-time minutes for Vilaverdense in the Portuguese Campeonato de Portugal Prio. That’s a few levels below iconic clubs such as Benfica, but hey, how many minutes are you logging in pro soccer? In Portugal? Where smoking hot women basically grow on trees? Exactly.

Midfielder: Faris Abdi

Hey look, another Southern California kid! Abdi is 21 years old, which low key sucks ass for him because he plays for Al Quadisiya in Saudi Arabia, and rumor has it if you drink alcohol there they lop off body parts. Abdi started his career in 2019 with Austin Bold in the U.S., and while I can surmise little more about them apart from being in Texas, my feeling is he shoulda stayed there. Dude could be getting druuuuuuuuuuuuunk right now.

Midfielder: Lee Nguyen

Remember this guy? This time I believe you. Why? Because Nguyen has logged more than 20,000 minutes of MLS soccer in his career. Those days are behind him as he currently plays for Ho Chi Minh City in Viet Nam. Fun fact, in the off chance that Nguyen did somehow get a call up to the National Team at age 33, it wouldn’t be the first time he did. From 2007 to 2016 he was capped by the U.S. nine times. In his prime, he was a heck of a player.

Forward: Maki Tall

Standing at 173cm, Tall is anything but. I’m clearly running out of jokes and I also don’t have any idea how many feet and inches that translates to. I only know my German parents used to say, roughly translated, “that guy is nearly two meters tall,” to anyone over six feet. 173cm is not two meters. At least it freaking better not be, otherwise I’ll throw my laptop in my non-existent swimming pool and go to bed. Tall is 25, was born in Washington D.C., and plays for Francs Borains in Belgium. They’re an amateur team, which I assume means they’re in a tier well below teams that are…well, in a professional league.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this article. I would remiss if I didn’t credit Soccerway.com here. Without that amazing website and its innumerable soccer rabbit holes to jump down, it would have taken me years to write this article, and I’ve have damn quit after 45 minutes.