We’ve made it. Fantasy draft boards are wiped clean, preseason panic attacks are in the rearview, and the NFL season kicks off tonight. Dallas heads to Philadelphia, and Jerry Jones is once again basking in the spotlight—not because the Cowboys are contenders, but because he just traded away one of the league’s best defenders. Only Jerry.
So, with chaos already underway, here are the NFL predictions that will almost certainly go wrong.
AFC Picks
- East: Buffalo Bills
- North: Baltimore Ravens
- South: Houston Texans
- West: Kansas City Chiefs
- Wild Cards: Denver Broncos, New England Patriots, Cincinnati Bengals
The AFC is quarterback country. Each division winner boasts the top QB in that group, plain and simple. The Broncos? Not a one-year wonder—defense upgraded, offense loaded, and Drake Maye ready to pop. The Bengals? They’ll need fireworks weekly to cover up their defense, but Joe Burrow & Co. can drop 50 on anyone. Surprise miss: the Chargers stumble out of the picture.
NFC Picks
- East: Philadelphia Eagles
- North: Green Bay Packers
- South: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
- West: Los Angeles Rams
- Wild Cards: Washington Commanders, Minnesota Vikings, Carolina Panthers
The Eagles stay perched atop the East, but Washington isn’t going away. Micah Parsons boosts the Packers into division glory, while Baker Mayfield keeps the Bucs rolling. The Rams emerge from a crowded West where everyone hangs around into December. Minnesota rides JJ McCarthy into a playoff berth, and Carolina is the shocker—sliding in while Detroit, with two new coordinators, slides out.
Awards & Big Finish
- MVP: Joe Burrow
- Defensive Player of the Year: Micah Parsons
- Offensive Rookie of the Year: Ashton Jeanty
- Defensive Rookie of the Year: Malaki Starks
- Super Bowl: Ravens over Packers
Book it, screenshot it, and come laugh at it in January.
The Stain Sports 